She didn’t have the courage to add, and everyone except me.
Chapter Eleven
Alex knew it made no sense to want to see Emma again. He had enjoyed a good deal of time in her company over the last three days, but after spending a few pleasurable hours showing Glynnis and her parents the delights of the countryside, thoughts of another woman should have been the furthest thing from his mind. But they were not. Even as he sat next to Glynnis in the carriage, it was Emma he found himself thinking about, Emma’s smiles he pictured and Emma’s laughter he heard. And the more he thought about her, the more he realised how desperately he wanted to see her. But what possible excuse did he have for going to Dove’s Hollow now?
Unexpectedly, his mother provided him with it. ‘Oh, there you are, darling,’ she said when he walked into the drawing room. ‘I wonder if I could trouble you to pick up a few things from the village. I’d go myself, but I don’t want to leave the Leylands alone.’
‘I understand,’ he said, taking the list she held out to him.
‘Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind, perhaps you could stop by Dove’s Hollow on your way back and give this earring to Miss Darling,’ she said, handing him a small package. ‘One of the maids found it when they were cleaning.’
‘Yes, of course. I’m sure Emma will be pleased to have it returned,’ he said without thinking.
‘Emma?’ His mother glanced at him quizzically. ‘I wasn’t aware you and Miss Darling had established such a close friendship, Alex. Surely such informality should wait until after the wedding? Besides, the earring belongs to Miss Linette Darling.’
Mentally cursing himself for the slip, Alex inclined his head. ‘Of course. I simply had other things on my mind. We are all a little preoccupied these days. Speaking of which, have you decided when you and Father are returning to London?’
‘No. I thought it might be a good idea for your father to rest here for a bit. His colour was not good at breakfast and Murdoch said he didn’t get much sleep last night.’ She sighed. ‘I expect I shall have to call for Dr Harrow as soon as we get back.’
‘Don’t worry. Father’s too tough to die.’ Alex bent down and kissed his mother on the cheek. ‘He’ll probably outlast us all!’
* * *
Given that there were a few things his mother needed him to pick up, Alex decided to take the carriage into the village rather than to ride. Upon arriving, he was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by a number of people, some of whom he remembered from the Jacobs’s assembly, others who had been at Ellingsworth for the festivities on the Saturday afternoon. But they were all very pleasant and Alex was surprised at how much he enjoyed the feeling of being part of the small community.
He thought back to the assembly and slowly began to smile. Was it only last week he had held Emma in his arms and waltzed her around the room? Only last week that he had felt the softness of her hand in his, and caressed her bare feet in the darkness of a carriage? It seemed like an eternity. He needed to be near her again. To bask in the warmth of her smile and to hear the softness of her voice.
He hurried through his errands in the village and then set out for Dove’s Hollow.
* * *
She was in the garden when he arrived. Not painting. Just standing still, gazing out over the pond, her arms folded across her chest, her brow furrowed in concentration.
‘Emma?’
She turned, and to his surprise he saw not pleasure, but pain flash across her face. It was gone in an instant, but the knowledge that he had put it there caused him more grief than he cared to acknowledge. ‘I’ve come at a bad time,’ he said, ready to leave.
‘No, no, you haven’t,’ she hastened to say. ‘I was just…thinking. Trying to come up with answers.’
‘For what?’
She looked up at him and didn’t even bother to hide her unease. ‘For a situation over which I have no control and that is going to cause untold problems for everyone involved.’
He knew better than to accuse her of exaggerating. Emma was not given to melodrama. ‘Can you tell me who the people are and what the nature of the problem is?’
‘I wish I could. But it is…a private matter.’ She looked up at him. ‘I’m sure you understand.’
He nodded, all too familiar with private matters of a painful nature. ‘Then, perhaps we might take a stroll together? I often find I do my best thinking when I am walking. Perhaps the answers will come to you more readily.’
‘Perhaps.’ She sighed. ‘If nothing else, it will be good to stretch my legs.’ She looked at him with curiosity. ‘Is there a reason you came to see me?’
‘Hmm? Oh, yes. Mother asked me to return this,’ Alex said, handing her the package. ‘Linette’s earring. One of the servants found it when they were cleaning. Perhaps you could give it to her?’
She stared at the small tissue-wrapped package he held out to her. ‘Yes, of course.’ When she took it from him, he noticed she was careful not to touch him. ‘Linette will be relieved to have it back.’
After slipping the earring into her pocket, they headed out of the garden and along the path towards the gate. Pushing it open, they passed into the next field and started up the hill behind the house. The climb was not steep, but it was steady; at the top, Emma paused to catch her breath. ‘Oh, my, I haven’t been up here in ages.’
‘What a spectacular view,’ Alex breathed. ‘You can see all the way to Little Moreton.’
‘I used to run up here a lot when I was a child,’ Emma said. ‘I loved watching the clouds flying by overhead. I felt like I was standing on top of the world.’
The image of her as a little girl with her hair streaming out behind her, running up the hill with her arms spread wide, made him chuckle. ‘It’s hard to picture you as a little girl running up a hill.’
‘Papa said I ran everywhere. I’ve never thought of myself as being impatient, but I must have been when I was younger. Always in a hurry to get wherever I was going,’ Emma mused. ‘I’ve slowed down in the intervening years.’
‘I’d rather say you’ve acquired patience,’ Alex said. ‘I’m sure you still do hurry, if the need is really there.’
She flicked him an amused glance. ‘Do you always know exactly the right thing to say, Lord Stewart?’
‘Obviously not, because I’ve become Lord Stewart again.’ He had hoped to make her smile. He was dismayed when he saw her frown. ‘What’s really going on, Emma? What’s troubling you?’
‘Nothing. And everything,’ she whispered. ‘After what happened with my aunt—’
‘There is no need for us to speak of that again,’ Alex began, only to see her shake her head.
‘There is every need. I know my father apologised to you and that he spoke to your brother when he came to take Linette driving, but I feel I must also offer my apologies for the way my aunt behaved. It was…unforgivable.’
‘It was an error in judgement,’ Alex said. ‘She didn’t do it on purpose.’
‘Of course not! But the damage is done and the tragic part is that no one regrets it more than my aunt. She went back to London because she could not bear to stay with us a moment longer. She felt her conduct reflected poorly on the rest of us. Most particularly, on Linette.’
Alex argued with himself as to what he should say, but in the end, he decided on the truth. ‘I cannot deny that my mother and father were displeased, Emma, but Peter loves your sister very much and he intends to marry her.’ He paused, trying to gauge her mood. ‘Is there…anything else that’s making you unhappy?’
Her sudden flush gave him his answer, but all she said was, ‘No. Why should there be?’
He took a step closer, knowing the moment for honesty was at hand. He couldn’t go on pretending that he didn’t care. ‘Perhaps because you are not the only one forced to keep painful secrets.’
Her eyes widened. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Don’t you? You must know I’m drawn to you, Emma. That I thin
k about you…far too much.’
He watched her eyes darken in pain. ‘Lord Stewart, this is not a good idea.’
‘Perhaps not,’ he said quietly. ‘My father asked me to counsel my brother as to the unsuitability of his relationship with your sister. I shudder to think what he would say if he knew I was also having to counsel myself against my feelings…for you.’
It had to happen. Perhaps it had been building to this right from the start, but the inevitability of the kiss still left Emma breathless. She watched Alex slowly take a step towards her, felt the warmth of his hands as they closed around her upper arms and watched his head bend towards her with unmistakable intent. But when his mouth finally came down on hers, it was not with trepidation that Emma returned his kiss, but with desire, her heart pounding wildly against his chest, her entire body trembling with need.
He kissed her slowly, languidly, his lips moving over hers without urgency or haste. There was only need and longing. And when at length they drew apart, Emma slowly opened her eyes to find him gazing down at her without regret or recrimination. His hands still held her close, the heat of his body still warming her through the thin fabric of her gown. ‘Forgive me,’ he whispered.
She shook her head, wishing he had said anything but that. ‘I can’t. Any more than I can forgive myself for wanting it.’
He gazed down at her, his expression so gentle that Emma feared she would cry. They could not undo what they had done or pretend it hadn’t happened, but even before he said the words, Emma knew what they would be. ‘I’m sorry, Emma. The expectations of me are such that…I cannot go any further with this.’
‘I know. But that doesn’t mean the feelings don’t exist,’ she said. ‘Or that the longings are any the less painful to bear.’
He raised his hand, trailed his fingers over her temple and cheek to curl around the point of her chin. ‘There are so many things I would say to you,’ he said. ‘So many things I would have you know. But I can say none of them. It would be unfair to everyone involved, but, most particularly, to you.’
Emma nodded. He was speaking to her, but he was referring to Lady Glynnis. ‘I know. This was never meant to happen, but it did. And believe me when I say that no one is more surprised than I am.’
‘I have been fighting it,’ Alex admitted. ‘Because I didn’t want to hurt you. But the strength of my feelings for you is such that…I had to say something. I wanted you to know how I felt. And I needed to know if you felt the same way about me. Perhaps that was wrong—’
‘It was,’ Emma said, her voice unexpectedly husky. ‘It would have been easier not knowing that you cared for me. Because then I could have pretended it was just me being foolish. That no matter what my feelings for you, you could never have felt the same way. But now I can’t hide behind that any more because I know you do care for me. And that just makes it that much harder to bear.’
Alex’s hand fell away. He took a reluctant step backwards and glanced at the clouds overhead. ‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You know what my feelings about marriage were. How I thought it should be approached. But with you, everything is so…different.’ He finally looked back at her. ‘Now I know how it is supposed to be between two people. And how cruel being forced to settle for anything less is going to be.’
Emma squeezed her eyes shut, hardly daring to breathe. How was it possible that the words that should have made her so happy were making her anything but? ‘I think it would be best if we did not see each other alone again, Alex. It will be hard enough at the wedding, but other than that…’
He nodded. ‘I understand. I have no desire to make this any more difficult for you than it is for me.’
He left her then, and Emma felt a pain so intense it stole the breath from her lungs. It was as though a hand was closing around her heart, tearing it out of her chest. She wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come, only this horrible, unending pain. This hollowness, as though someone had cut a hole in her soul.
She was in love with Alexander Taylor. And he was going to marry a woman who didn’t love him while she was forced to sit by and watch. It was more than she could bear.
It was more than anyone should have to bear.
* * *
The pressure on Alex started early the next morning, over breakfast, when his father informed him that the Leylands would be leaving the following day.
‘So if there’s anything you want to say to Lady Glynnis, now would be the time,’ Lord Widdicombe advised. ‘They’re all expecting it. And it would be a shining way to end an otherwise dismal affair.’
Alex said nothing. He was well aware that Lord and Lady Leyland were expecting him to propose to Glynnis, but it hadn’t occurred to him that it had to be done here before they left. After all, the arrangements over settlements had been made, and he had already talked to Glynnis about where they would live. He owned a town house in London and a hunting box near Melton Mowbray, but until now the latter had been a bachelor’s home that was sorely in need of renovation. Alex had shown Glynnis through the house months ago and told her she could do whatever was needed to turn it into a welcoming home. They had even talked about curtains, for heaven’s sake. Why wouldn’t they be expecting him to propose?
Glynnis must surely have been expecting it. As the days went by, Alex noticed her growing noticeably more quiet and withdrawn. She seemed to laugh less when she was around him and the sparkle he had always associated with her was gone. Was her disappointment in him so great that it was affecting her to this degree?
The question pained him deeply. Glynnis didn’t deserve this kind of treatment from him. They had always been good friends and, until now, they had been able to talk about almost anything. But now their association seemed strained, the easy laughter and gentle banter gone. Everything was different…because he knew it was Emma he wished to marry, but that it was Glynnis he must.
* * *
He brought the subject up when they were out riding together after lunch. ‘Glyn, is everything all right?’
They were walking their horses through a shady glen. Glynnis looked at him, and roused herself to smile. ‘Yes, of course. Why do you ask?’
‘Because you don’t seem as happy as you did when you first arrived.’
‘It has been…an interesting few days.’ She turned her attention to the path ahead. ‘A great deal has happened that I did not expect.’
‘And perhaps something has not happened that you did expect?’
He saw the blush race across her cheeks. ‘I’m not sure I know what you mean.’
‘Don’t you?’ Alex reached for her mare’s reins and drew both animals to a halt. ‘You’ve never been shy when it came to talking about our marriage before, Glyn.’
Her head slowly came round, but she did not smile. ‘To be honest, I wasn’t sure if you still wished to marry me.’
The note of anxiety in her voice pierced his heart. ‘Why would I not? We have been promised to one another these last two years, and we have been friends a good deal longer. It is what everyone expects.’
‘Yes, I know. But things have…happened that I thought might have changed your mind.’
Her face gave nothing away, but her words were a clear indication that something was amiss. Was she talking about his feelings for Emma? Had he somehow given himself away? Alex thought hard about everything that had happened over the last few days, but he couldn’t isolate one single incident or conversation that might have exposed him.
‘Is there something I should know, Glyn? Something I haven’t been told?’ When she didn’t answer, Alex put his hand on her arm. ‘Glyn, please. What’s this really all about? I have the feeling there’s something you want to tell me.’
He waited, aware that even as she kept silent, hope flared within his heart. Had she met someone else? Was she trying to find a gentle way of breaking it off? At one time such a revelation would have caused him considerable concern, but now he found himself welcoming it.
‘No, there’s nothing I want to tell you,’ Glynnis said finally. ‘Forgive me, it must be everything’s that happened this weekend. There has been so much conflict and unhappiness over your brother’s engagement. Your father is clearly displeased by it, yet for the life of me I can’t imagine why.’
Alex glanced at her in surprise. ‘He doesn’t feel that Linette Darling is well born enough to be Peter’s bride. She doesn’t have the kind of background he was looking for.’
‘But she is a beautiful, genteel girl,’ Glynnis said. ‘More importantly, she loves him and he loves her. Desperately. You have only to see them together to know that.’ She turned away, biting her lip. ‘Surely that has to count for something.’
Alex stared at her in amazement. He had never heard her talk this way before. Like him, she had always adopted a practical approach to marriage, espousing the benefits of a well-thought-out liaison over sentimentality. He had never heard her speak about love or desire and, like him, had assumed she didn’t care about such things, that they weren’t part of what she was looking for in a marriage. Could it be he had completely misread her?
‘So if my father were to ask you your opinion of Peter and Linette’s betrothal,’ Alex said slowly, ‘you would tell him he should give his approval to the marriage?’
‘Of course. Oh, I know it isn’t what the earl wishes to hear, but surely when two people are so obviously in love, it would be wrong to stop them from being together. What kind of life would that be condemning them to? I know your father only wants the best for his sons and he is afraid that Peter is making a terrible mistake. But your brother is very much in love with Linette Darling. Everything he’s done is proof of that. He’s stood by her through every uncomfortable moment. He’s faced up to your father and to anyone else who said she wasn’t good enough. And even after what happened with Mrs Grand, he refused to abandon her.’ Glynnis turned to look at him and he saw an unexpected shimmer of tears in her eyes. ‘You see the way they look at each other, Alex,’ she said huskily. ‘How could I advise your father not to allow them to marry when it is clear they would only spend the rest of their lives pining for each other if they did not? What kind of life would that be?’
Improper Miss Darling Page 19
