Extraordinary Ernie & Marvellous Maud

by Frances Watts

  For Extraordinary David

  and

  Brilliant Belinda

  —FW

  For Ali and David

  who trusted in my tortoises

  and for Jack

  —JW

  Contents

  Cover

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Copyright

  ONE

  Ernie Eggers was late for school. And it was all the fault of The Daring Dynamo. Ernie was a big fan of The Daring Dynamo, who was everything a superhero should be—and everything that Ernie wasn’t. The Dynamo was daring, obviously And dashing. He was brave and strong. He never tripped over his own feet. He was never tongue-tied. His ears didn’t stick out. And, Ernie guessed, The Daring Dynamo was probably punctual.

  Unfortunately; the TV station that aired The Daring Dynamo was not so punctual. And because the show had finished late, Ernie—who couldn’t bear to leave his lounge room while the Dynamo was still in the clutches of the dreaded Count Crustaceous—was late too. Again …

  Meanwhile, the four members of the Superheroes Society (Baxter Branch) were hanging around their headquarters on the alert for an outbreak of mischief. The ceiling fan whirred softly overhead, ruffling the yellowed newspaper clippings that were stuck to the walls. ‘Burglars Busted by Baxter’s Bravest!’ one declared, and ‘Reformed Rogue Hails Heroes’ said another. There was a gentle hum of washing machines coming from the laundromat next door.

  The president of the Superheroes Society, Super Whiz, was leaning back in his chair with his feet on the table, while Housecat Woman was curled up asleep in an armchair that sat in a patch of sun in the corner of the room.

  Valiant Vera, watched by Amazing Desmond, was sorting the mail that had just been pushed through the slot by the door. ‘Bill, bill, free pizza offer…’

  ‘I’ll take that,’ said Amazing Desmond quickly, snatching the paper from her.

  ‘Another bill… Oooh, here’s something. It looks like a letter from the Superheroes Society International Headquarters. We haven’t heard from HQ in years. I wonder what they could want?’

  Housecat Woman opened her eyes in surprise, and Super Whiz swung his legs off the table and sat up straight. ‘Give it to me,’ he said importantly. ‘I should be the one to open it. I am the president—and the brains—of the branch.’

  Valiant Vera passed it over, and Super Whiz tore it open and began to read, muttering under his breath.

  Then he raised his eyes from the letter to the ceiling. ‘There’s been a change in leadership. I suppose the new guys will want to poke their noses into everything.’ He turned his attention back to the letter. ‘It has come to our notice … blah blah blah … no new members recruited in years … blah blah blah … youth … grow and change to meet the needs of the twenty-first century … Ha!’ Super Whiz slammed the letter onto the table in disgust. ‘They think we’re has-beens, that’s what this means.’

  ‘It’s not our fault that things are quiet in Baxter,’ said Amazing Desmond. ‘I imagine villains know we’re keeping a sharp eye on things and that’s why they steer clear.’

  Valiant Vera picked up the letter from the table and began to read. ‘They say here we should try to find new members. Maybe approach the local school. You know, it’s not a bad idea,’ she said. ‘If we get some new members while they’re young, we’ll have plenty of time to train them up. That way we’d be—’ she read from the letter in her hand—’“ensuring the future of the Superheroes Society for centuries to come.”’

  ‘So they want us to drag people off the streets and turn them into superheroes,’ snorted Super Whiz. ‘As if anyone could be a superhero. I presume HQ will still allow us to choose new members according to our high standards,’ he blustered. ‘If we were to select some school students, for example, we would only want the brainiest ones from the top of the class.’

  ‘What about the top athletes?’ asked Valiant Vera. ‘A superhero should be strong and brave.’

  Super Whiz nodded. ‘You’re right,’ he said kindly. ‘We do need muscles to assist the brains. The only problem will be trying to choose our new members from among all the gifted young people begging to join our society. Of course, we can only accept the very best … Maybe we could make up some flyers and ask the principal to hand them out to the most intelligent students.’ He rose to his feet and began pacing around the room, his hand clasping his chin thoughtfully. ‘I know!’ he said. ‘A contest! They shall compete for the honour of a place in our team.’

  ‘That’s all very well,’ said Amazing Desmond, ‘but what’s the prize?’

  ‘What do you mean, what’s the prize? I just told you—the honour of a place in our team. I can see the advertisements now: “Do YOU have what it takes to be a superhero?”’

  ‘Yes,’ said Desmond, ‘I understand that. But you still need to offer a prize. “Win a fast car” or “Win a luxury holiday” or something.’

  ‘Desmond’s right,’ said Valiant Vera. ‘You can’t have a contest without a prize. But I think it should be something a superhero could use. Now what does a trainee superhero need?’

  ‘Help,’ yawned Housecat Woman from the corner.

  The others turned to look at her in surprise. Housecat Woman rarely stayed awake long enough to follow a discussion all the way through.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ asked Super Whiz politely.

  ‘That’s what a superhero needs,’ Housecat Woman said. ‘Help to do all the things a superhero does. Someone to share the exhausting workload.’ She gave another enormous yawn. ‘That’s what I’d like, anyway,’ she said, and promptly fell asleep.

  ‘Bingo!’ said Amazing Desmond. ‘She’s got it in one—a sidekick! There’s nothing more certain to make a kid feel like a hero than their own faithful sidekick.’

  TWO

  As he sprinted down the hill towards his school Ernie could hear the bell ringing, and by the time he reached the school gate the playground was deserted. Putting on an extra burst of speed, he leapt up the front steps two at a time and burst through the heavy wooden door into the school’s main corridor. He was walking quickly down the corridor—he didn’t want to get in trouble for running in the halls as well—when, to his relief, he saw a flash of colour hurrying along ahead of him. Phew! He wasn’t the only student running late! Then the other person stopped to look at the noticeboard halfway along the corridor, and Ernie saw that he had been mistaken.

  It wasn’t another student. It didn’t seem to be a teacher either; too colourful. It was a short, slightly plump man wearing purple tights that sagged at the bottom, and an orange skivvy that strained over his belly to meet the tights. A small purple cape was slung over his shoulders. Could this be a new drama teacher? Ernie couldn’t think of another reason why a grown man would wear purple tights and a cape.

  As Ernie watched, the man plucked a piece of paper from his sack and pinned it to the noticeboard. He then emptied the rest of the sack’s contents into a bin.

  Ernie was so puzzled that he forgot to pay attention to his feet, which slipped out from under him. Next thing he knew, he was flat on his back and skidding along the corridor straight towards the stranger. Before Ernie could think to warn him, he had slammed straight into the man’s legs. His schoolbag came to rest on his chest.

  The man seemed surprised, but not upset. Looking down at the boy tangled around his feet, he said, ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hi,’ said Ernie weakly.

  ‘
Where did you come from?’ the man asked.

  Ernie pointed back towards the door.

  ‘Well you’re certainly light on your feet,’ said the man admiringly. ‘I didn’t even hear you coming.’

  Ernie shrugged modestly, which is hard to do with a schoolbag on your chest.

  ‘I’m Amazing Desmond,’ said the man, removing himself from the muddle of Ernie’s limbs.

  ‘Ernie,’ said Ernie.

  ‘You’re not some kind of athlete, are you, Ernie?’ Amazing Desmond asked suspiciously.

  ‘No,’ said Ernie honestly. He was rather flattered, though. No one had ever mistaken him for an athlete before.

  Desmond studied him for a minute. ‘Athletes and A students,’ he muttered to himself. ‘Ha! We can do better than that. What we’re looking for is guts and gumption—not the principal’s pet.’ He bent and pulled one of the pieces of paper from the bin, and handed it to the boy. ‘You might be interested in this. Maybe I’ll see you there.’ He set off down the corridor, whistling.

  Ernie, still lying on his back in the school corridor, began to read …

  Ernie looked up and down the corridor. Amazing Desmond was nowhere to be seen. Was this some kind of joke? He couldn’t answer ‘yes’ to a single one of those questions—but Amazing Desmond, who must be a superhero himself, seemed to think that he, Ernie Eggers, could become a superhero too!

  THREE

  It was already past four o’clock when Ernie hurried down High Street looking for number 32. Passing a scruff laundromat—number 30— he stopped outside a florist—number 34. Looking behind him, he saw that he’d walked right past a vacant-looking shop.

  On closer inspection, Ernie noticed that the shop’s shabby brown door had the number 32 stencilled on it in small, neat letters. He tried to peer through the shopfront windows, but they appeared to have been papered over.

  Ernie knocked.

  After a few seconds the door was thrown open by a tall, thin man in blue tights. The letters ‘SW’ were stamped in red across his bony chest.

  He regarded Ernie sternly, taking in his rumpled shirt and dirty collar. ‘What do you want?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m here for the Superhero Contest,’ said Ernie.

  ‘Oh,’ said the man. He gazed over Ernie’s shoulder. ‘Is there anyone else with you?’ he asked in a hopeful voice.

  ‘No,’ said Ernie. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Oh,’ said the man again. ‘Pity.’ Then, taking a deep breath, he ushered Ernie into the room and began to speak very quickly in a jolly voice. ‘Welcome, welcome. I’m Super Whiz, and this is Housecat Woman and Valiant Vera. We’re the judges.’

  Ernie said hello to Housecat Woman, who was in an armchair, and Valiant Vera, who was sitting on the far side of a large table. He couldn’t see Amazing Desmond anywhere.

  Super Whiz joined Valiant Vera at the table, and beckoned to Ernie, who moved to stand nervously in front of the table.

  ‘Well now,’ said Super Whiz, leaning back in his chair. ‘The fourth member of our little team, Amazing Desmond, is busy interviewing applicants for the sidekick position. That will be your sidekick, should you win this contest. Though I must warn you, the competition is very tough. Are you sure you’re qualified to be here?’

  Ernie was surprised. Amazing Desmond had been quite encouraging. ‘Well, I’m Ernie Eggers,’ he explained.

  The superheroes looked blank.

  Ernie paused as a thought struck him, and he looked around the deserted room. ‘Where are the other contestants?’ he asked.

  ‘Ah …’ Super Whiz looked uncomfortable. ‘They … haven’t arrived yet. But carry on, Ernie. Tell us a bit about yourself.’

  ‘Oh, right.’ Ernie tried to stand up a bit straighter as he faced the judges. ‘My name is Ernie Eggers, I’m ten, and I’m very good at …’ He paused again, trying to think of something, anything, that he was very good at. ‘Football.’

  ‘Football? Now that’s interesting,’ said Valiant Vera. ‘What are your strengths? Speed? Stamina?’

  Ernie slumped. ‘To tell the truth, I’m not that good at it myself. But I watch it on TV a lot, and …’

  ‘What are your school marks like?’ interrupted Super Whiz.

  ‘Um, they’re not that good,’ confessed Ernie. ‘Just average, really.’

  ‘You do realise that this is the superhero contest, don’t you? The average hero contest is next door.’ Valiant Vera gave a snort of laughter, and Housecat Woman let out a brief giggle.

  ‘Oh. Okay. Sorry,’ said Ernie. He turned and walked towards the door.

  Super Whiz rolled his eyes. ‘That was a joke.’

  Ernie turned back to face them. ‘Look, I know I’m not exactly super, but I really want to be. I’ll work so hard—I can be here every day after school and on weekends—and I’m sure that with your help and lots of practice …’

  Super Whiz held up a hand. ‘Please,’ he said, ‘spare us.’ He turned to Valiant Vera and began a whispered conversation.

  Ernie could just make out snatches of it—‘only entrant’ and ‘one new recruit is better than’ and ‘the principal must have rocks in his head’.

  Finally, the two superheroes turned to face him once more.

  ‘Welcome to the team,’ said Super Whiz with a sickly kind of smile. ‘You’re a trainee superhero.’

  Ernie stared in shock. They’d accepted him. He’d won! He felt quite dizzy with pleasure. He’d never won anything before, and he’d never been picked for a team.

  ‘So what are we going to call you?’ Super Whiz asked.

  ‘How did you all get your names?’

  ‘They’re based on our natural superpowers, of course. I’m a whiz in the brains department—obviously. Valiant Vera is brave and swift. Housecat Woman, well, when she was younger she was much more active; chasing, climbing, pouncing … And Amazing Desmond is, er—well the point is, what will your name be?’

  ‘I suppose that depends on what my natural superpower is,’ Ernie said. ‘What is it, by the way?’

  ‘Hmm, good question,’ said Super Whiz, looking Ernie up and down. ‘I have to say, nothing super springs to mind.’

  ‘Couldn’t you, you know, give me some superpowers?’

  ‘What, do you think we’ve just got some storeroom of superpowers behind that door?’ Super Whiz pointed to a door marked ‘Storeroom’.

  ‘Oh, don’t be so mean, Super,’ said Valiant Vera. ‘You know it can take a while for powers to emerge.’

  ‘Maybe I could use some general sort of name,’ said Ernie. ‘Just until my natural superpowers kick in. How about “Extraordinary Ernie”?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ said Super Whiz doubtfully. ‘It’s not exactly accurate, is it?’

  ‘Oh, go on, Whiz.’ The door had burst open to reveal the short, plump man Ernie had met earlier.

  After a muffled conversation with someone behind him who Ernie couldn’t see, Desmond quickly pushed the door shut.

  ‘The kid looks all right to me,’ Amazing Desmond called out as he came over to them. ‘Surely we can stretch the truth a bit.’

  Ernie looked at him gratefully, but Super Whiz gave Desmond a filthy look. ‘The only thing being stretched around here is your tights,’ he said, poking Desmond in the middle. ‘I know you don’t have super brains, strength or speed, but you could at least try to stay in shape. And I’ve told you a hundred times,’ he added through gritted teeth, ‘don’t call me Whiz.’

  ‘Whatever you say, Whi … I mean, Super,’ said Desmond cheerfully. ‘You know I can’t get to the gym as much as I’d like because of my bad back. So, I take it this is our winner.’ He clapped a hand on Ernie’s shoulder warmly ‘Excellent. I saw him down at the school earlier and suggested he come along. And have I found the perfect sidekick!’

  ‘So what have you got for us, Desmond?’ asked Super Whiz, rubbing his hands together. ‘Something intelligent, I hope. An owl? A bit of wise counsel for our young friend here wouldn’t go astra
y.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Perhaps it’s a dear little monkey?’ chimed in Valiant Vera. ‘Fast and nimble and great at getting out of tight spots …’

  ‘Maybe it’s a mouse?’ purred Housecat Woman. ‘A plump, juicy, tasty mouse?’

  ‘I know!’ said Ernie. ‘It’s a parrot! A parrot would be great.’ He imagined himself striding down the street in his superhero costume with a parrot perched on his shoulder, squawking, ‘Make way for Extraordinary Ernie’ and ‘Extraordinary Ernie to the rescue!’

  ‘No, no and no again!’ cried Desmond. ‘I knew you’d never guess.’

  Bounding to the door he flung it open and gestured grandly. ‘Well, here she is …’

  There was a long silence, which was finally broken by the strangled voice of Super Whiz.

  ‘Desmond, you idiot … That’s a sheep!’

  FOUR

  ‘That’s right!’ said Desmond proudly.

  There was another long silence, broken this time by the sheep herself. ‘What?’ she demanded. ‘Haven’t you ever seen a sheep before?’

  ‘Ah, what’s your name, dear?’ asked Valiant Vera kindly.

  ‘Maud,’ replied the sheep cautiously. ‘Maud?’ squawked Ernie, in the way a parrot would have done. ‘A sidekick called Maud? It doesn’t exactly sound super, does it?’

  ‘It was my great-aunt’s name,’ explained the sheep. ‘My dad thought that if I was named after her she’d leave me all her riches in her will.’

  ‘And did she?’ asked Ernie.

  ‘No,’ said Maud sadly. ‘Sheep don’t have wills.’

  ‘Oh, right. Well, who got all her riches?’

  ‘No one. Sheep don’t have riches either, since they don’t have jobs. That’s why I was so glad to see your advertisement for a sidekick. Right, so who’s my hero? I suppose it’s you, since you’re the only one without a costume,’ she said, looking at Ernie with a sigh. ‘He doesn’t look all that promising, does he?’ she whispered to Super Whiz loudly. She turned back to Ernie. ‘So what’s your name?’