Extraordinary Ernie & Marvellous Maud

by Frances Watts

  ‘Ernie.’

  ‘Ernie? Well, if you don’t mind my saying so, “Ernie” isn’t exactly the type of name to stop evil in its tracks either.’

  ‘I was named after an aunt too,’ Ernie said.

  ‘Really?’ asked Maud. ‘Was your aunt a man, then?’

  ‘No,’ mumbled Ernie, embarrassed. ‘Her name is Ernestine. She’s rich, but she’s not dead yet.’

  ‘Oh, that’s a shame,’ said Maud sympathetically.

  ‘Look, I’m terribly sorry,’ said Ernie politely, looking around at the superheroes and then at Maud, ‘but I don’t think this is going to work. It’s just that, no offence, I was hoping for, you know, a cooler sidekick. Like … I don’t know…’ Ernie paused. Suddenly a parrot didn’t seem all that cool either. ‘A big black dog or something.’

  ‘A big black dog?’ echoed Maud. ‘That just shows your lack of imagination.’

  ‘Or a … a … a tiger,’ said Ernie desperately. ‘After all, what can a sheep do?’

  ‘What can a sheep do?’ Maud said. ‘What can you do?’

  Luckily, she didn’t wait for an answer.

  ‘I’m a fast runner,’ said Maud. She trotted briskly up and down the length of the room a couple of times, hooves clattering on the wooden floor.

  Valiant Vera and Housecat Woman both nodded approvingly.

  ‘I can speak several languages.’

  Super Whiz looked impressed.

  ‘And if I do say so myself, I have the gift of the gab and a large helping of charm.’

  She winked at Amazing Desmond, who winked back.

  They all looked at Ernie expectantly.

  Ernie hesitated.

  ‘Oh, that’s right.’ Maud clapped a hoof to her woolly forehead. ‘You wanted cool. I’ve got just the thing.’ Maud stuck her nose into her woolly front and rummaged around for a few seconds. She emerged wearing a jaunty grin and a pair of black sunglasses. ‘Better?’

  Ernie grinned back half-heartedly. He supposed being a superhero with a smart sheep for a sidekick was better than not being a superhero at all. ‘Sure.’

  ‘So what’s your superhero name, partner?’

  ‘Um, Extraordinary Ernie.’

  ‘Extraordinary Ernie? Oh I like that. Good, so we’ll be Extraordinary Ernie and Marvellous Maud.’

  ‘Well,’ said Super Whiz, ‘our new recruits might not be everything I would have hoped for …’

  ‘They’ll be fine,’ said Valiant Vera firmly. ‘Now let’s get you two kitted up.’

  She opened the door to the storeroom, and Ernie stared in wonder at racks and racks of suits and tights and capes in a dazzling kaleidoscope of colours and sizes.

  ‘Baxter Branch used to have dozens of members,’ Vera explained, ‘so we needed lots of costumes. Take your pick.’

  Ernie scanned the racks eagerly. His eyes lit on a fluorescent green one-piece suit with a gold lightning bolt running down each arm. ‘That’s a nice one,’ he said shyly.

  Vera pulled it from the hanger. ‘It should look good with a green cape, I think,’ she said. She flicked through several hangers before finding what she wanted. She handed both suit and cape to Ernie.

  ‘What about me? What about me?’ Maud was hopping from side to side in excitement.

  Vera frowned at the racks of costumes. ‘I’m not sure we have anything in your size …’ she began.

  But Desmond, seeing the disappointment on the sheep’s face, plucked something pink from a hanger. ‘Except this cape here,’ he said.

  Maud brightened, and as Desmond fastened the cape around her woolly neck she positively glowed.

  FIVE

  The first thing Ernie saw when he awoke the next morning was his green suit and cape. It was strange how just looking at it made him feel a bit extraordinary already.

  He quickly dressed and bolted down his breakfast. This was one day he was definitely not going to be late!

  Ernie arrived at the superheroes’ office on High Street just as Maud clip-clopped up the footpath from the opposite direction.

  ‘Morning, partner,’ she greeted him. She looked nervous and excited. Ernie supposed that he looked the same. ‘You look super in your suit and cape.’

  ‘Hi, Maud,’ he said. ‘Thanks. Your cape looks very … dashing.’

  The sheep beamed. ‘Well, here we go—our first day.’

  Ernie opened the door.

  The four superheroes were waiting for them. Valiant Vera looked at their costumes and—aside from a slight bagging at Ernie’s knees—declared them a good fit.

  Super Whiz waved Ernie and Maud over to the table where Amazing Desmond was already seated. Housecat Woman was asleep in the same armchair she’d occupied the day before.

  Super Whiz then gave them a long lecture on the topic of Mischief, Havoc and Chaos while Ernie did his best to look interested and Maud tutted intelligently. Amazing Desmond shifted restlessly in his seat. When Super Whiz started on the subject of Wrongdoing and Shenanigans, Desmond broke in.

  ‘What do you say we begin a spot of on the job training, Whiz?’ he suggested. ‘There’s nothing like a bit of hands-on experience.’

  Super Whiz looked annoyed—whether at the interruption or at being called Whiz, Ernie couldn’t tell—but when he saw Valiant Vera bobbing her head in agreement he sighed and stood up.

  ‘Well, all right. I suppose they could do the Saturday patrol of the High Street shops. Saturday’s very busy,’ he explained to Ernie and Maud as they stepped out onto High Street, ‘with everyone bustling and rushing. Tempers can become frayed. Accidents can happen. You need to be alert and aware. If any dangerous situations arise, report back immediately.’

  Ernie and Maud nodded obediently and set off.

  The High Street shopping strip was a small one, stretching just one block, which ran between the Baxter town hall at one end and the park at the other.

  ‘It’s strange,’ said Maud, as they walked purposefully down High Street, which was crowded with Saturday morning shoppers. ‘When I woke up this morning, the first thing I saw was my cape—and just seeing it made me feel quite marvellous.’

  ‘That’s exactly how I felt!’ exclaimed Ernie, surprised to find that the sheep’s thoughts were so like his own.

  ‘So what made you decide to become a superhero?’ asked Maud.

  Ernie didn’t know quite how to put it into words. ‘I guess I just wanted to feel like I was special,’ he said at last.

  ‘I know just what you mean,’ said Maud. ‘I want to be more than just another sheep. Why even when I was a little lamb, I … Ernie? What’s wrong?’

  Ernie had stopped dead in the middle of the footpath and was staring straight ahead. ‘There,’ he said.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Maud. ‘Wrongdoing? Shenanigans?’

  ‘No, not that,’ whispered Ernie urgently. ‘It’s Emma Plucker!’

  ‘Where?’ said Maud, craning her neck.

  ‘Coming towards us.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Maud loudly. ‘The red-haired girl?’

  ‘Shhh,’ hissed Ernie, for Emma Plucker was only a few metres away and seemed to be about to speak. ‘Just follow my lead, okay?’

  ‘Ernie? Ernie Eggers? Is that you?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s me,’ said Ernie, blushing. ‘Hi, Emma.’

  Emma Plucker had never spoken to him before, even though they’d been in the same class since kindergarten. Sometimes Ernie suspected he might be invisible. Perhaps that was his natural superpower?

  ‘Why are you dressed like that?’ Emma asked curiously. Clearly Ernie was quite visible in his fluorescent green suit.

  ‘Oh, I’m a trainee superhero.’

  Maud was butting his knee. ‘Introduce me,’ she bleated.

  ‘Oh, right. And this is my sidekick, er… Fang,’ Ernie said. ‘Fang.’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Your sheep is called Fang.’ It didn’t seem to be a question.

  ‘She’s not a sheep, she’s a sidekick. I mean, s
he is a sheep, but—she’s trained in karate.’

  Maud scowled ferociously, and kicked out with her back leg.

  ‘Well,’ said Emma, ‘if I’m ever in trouble I’ll know who to call. See you, Ernie; nice to meet you, Fang.’ She waved a hand and strolled off down the street.

  ‘Right, er, bye, Emma,’ said Ernie.

  ‘Well,’ said Maud, as they watched Emma disappear into the distance, ‘she seems nice. Is she a friend of yours?’

  ‘Ohne,’ said Ernie, shocked. ‘She’s very popular.’

  They continued their patrol of High Street, walking up one side of the street—chemist, bank, pet shop, laundromat, Superheroes Society, florist, takeaway—then crossing the road and walking back down the other side—hardware store, toyshop, fruit shop, milk bar, newsagency, bookshop, supermarket.

  As the morning passed the sun grew hotter and hotter, and Ernie started to feel a bit prickly inside his tight suit.

  ‘I’m just going to stop at the milk bar for a bottle of water,’ he said. ‘Do you want anything, Maud?’

  ‘No thanks, Ernie. Oh, wait, yes—I’d love some grape flavoured bubblegum.’

  ‘Okay.’ Ernie entered the shop and immediately found his bottle of water, but he couldn’t find any grape bubblegum. ‘I’ll just be a minute,’ he said to the shopkeeper, putting the water on the counter.

  He went to the door of the shop and called, ‘Maud! They’ve got strawberry and tutti-frutti, but no grape, so do you … Maud?’

  She was gone.

  Then Ernie heard a frantic bleating and saw Maud trotting around the corner of the supermarket as fast as her little legs could carry her—with a big black dog close behind!

  ‘Maud!’ cried Ernie, racing after them. ‘Hang on, Maud, I’m coming!’

  He tore around the side of the supermarket and saw that the dog had cornered Maud by the dumpsters lining the back wall of the building. The dog was growling fiercely, teeth bared.

  Maud’s bleats had become whimpers and her eyes were wide with terror. Her cape hung limply to one side.

  Slowing to a jog, Ernie looked desperately about him for some kind of weapon. His eyes fell on an abandoned shopping trolley. Perfect! Wheeling it in front of him he began to run, and when he had gathered enough speed he jumped onto the bar above the wheels.

  ‘Here I come, Maud!’ he bellowed.

  The dog, startled, looked behind to see Ernie heading straight for him like a missile, his cape flying.

  The dog fled, yelping in alarm, its tail between its legs.

  Ernie put his feet back on the ground, and he and the trolley skidded to a halt.

  ‘Maud, are you okay?’ he panted, rushing over to his trembling sidekick.

  ‘Oh Ernie,’ she whispered. ‘I thought …’

  ‘Everything’s all right now,’ said Ernie in a firm voice. ‘Did you see the way that dog took off?’

  ‘Did I!’ said Maud, some of the old spirit creeping into her voice. ‘You sure scared him.’

  Ernie stood up, and Maud shook herself.

  ‘You came at him like a rocket!’ she said, pausing to give her cape a tug with her teeth. ‘And he took off like one,’ she continued.

  Ernie listened to his friend praising his speed, daring and ingenuity as they rounded the corner onto High Street. Ernie Eggers was starting to feel just a tiny bit super.

  SIX

  By lunchtime the rush of shoppers had slowed to a trickle. Maud escorted an old man across the road, and Ernie helped a tired mother carry her shopping to the car, but they saw no mischief, havoc or chaos needing heroic intervention.

  Finally Ernie suggested they stop for lunch. They bought salad sandwiches (Maud explained that she was a strict vegetarian), and took them to the park, where they found a cool spot in the shade of a large tree.

  When they were done, Ernie gathered up their rubbish and took it over to the bin on the far side of the park. He was on his way back to Maud when he heard some familiar voices.

  ‘Look! It’s a celery stick!’

  ‘Nah, celery doesn’t have ears like that.’

  Ernie could feel those ears beginning to turn red. It was Lenny Pascal and his two followers, Wilbur and Gilbert. Wilbur and Gilbert weren’t so bad on their own, but when they were with Lenny some of his nastiness seemed to rub off on them. Privately, Ernie thought of the trio as Pascal’s Rascals.

  ‘Hey, look at this!’ Lenny grabbed Ernie by the cape and used it to spin him around in dizzying circles.

  Then he let go suddenly and Ernie stumbled. Wilbur and Gilbert laughed, and when a shove of Lenny’s knee sent Ernie sprawling on the ground they laughed harder. They were still laughing as they ran off across the park.

  Ernie burned with shame. He felt small and useless and not at all like a superhero. If he really were a superhero, he would have been able to stand up to those bullies. No, he said to himself, if he really were a superhero, the bullies never would have come near him in the first place.

  It was a wilted bit of celery that was lying in the dirt when Maud came galloping over.

  ‘Ernie, what happened?’ she asked breathlessly.

  Ernie sat up. ‘Pascal’s Rascals,’ he said glumly. ‘They live on my street and they’re always pushing me around, calling me names … I wish they’d just leave me alone,’ he finished angrily.

  ‘Never mind,’ Maud said, attempting to dust him off with her hoof. ‘As we always say in the flock, names can never hurt …’

  ‘Hey, listen, that’s Emma’s voice,’ said Ernie, looking up.

  At the other end of the park, Pascal’s Rascals had spotted Emma sitting on a bench by the pond reading a book.

  As Ernie watched, Lenny grabbed the book and tossed it to Wilbur. Emma ran towards Wilbur, but he threw the book over her head to Gilbert.

  ‘Stop it!’ she was crying. ‘Give it back!’

  ‘Those scoundrels!’ said Ernie. ‘Come on, Maud. Let’s go!’

  ‘Yes! What’s the plan?’ said Maud excitedly as Ernie leapt to his feet.

  ‘I don’t know yet,’ said Ernie as he took off like a shot. ‘We’ll decide when we get there.’

  ‘I know!’ said Maud, cantering smartly behind him. ‘You chase him as far as that tree there, then I’ll leap out from behind that rubbish bin and give him a karate kick to the knee, then …’

  ‘Maud,’ said Ernie, ‘you don’t know karate. I was making that up.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said Maud. ‘I forgot.’

  ‘Ernie!’ said Emma as she caught sight of the trainee superheroes. ‘Help me!’

  Lenny turned to see. ‘Ha! Look who’s come to the rescue!’ he crowed. ‘It’s Super Salad—and look: Ernie has a little lamb!’

  Wilbur and Gilbert chortled.

  ‘Lay off, Lenny!’ said Ernie.

  ‘Who’s gonna make me?’ sneered Lenny. ‘Hey, over here!’ he called to Gilbert, waving his hands in the air.

  Gilbert flung the book towards him, and just as the book touched Lenny’s outstretched hand, Ernie gave him a sudden shove.

  ‘Hey!’ Lenny shouted.

  Lenny stumbled backwards, right into Maud, who rammed all her woolly bulk hard into the back of the bully’s knees.

  ‘Wha …?!’ Emma’s book flew from his grasp, and his mouth gaped as he teetered backwards then tumbled into the pond with a loud splash.

  A family of ducks immediately circled him, quacking their complaints loudly.

  Wilbur lunged for the airborne book, but Ernie was too quick for him. He stuck out his foot and the lunging Wilbur fell heavily, the book landing in the dirt beside him.

  Ernie spun around to deal with the remaining bully, but Maud was already on the case. Eyes narrowed, her gaze fixed on Gilbert, she was pawing the ground like a bull. With a low, gruff bleat she lowered her head and charged, hitting the boy squarely in the stomach.

  ‘Oooph!’ he groaned as he fell, the wind knocked out of him.

  Lenny, with the angry ducks still squawking at him noi
sily, dragged himself dripping from the pond and took off across the park. Wilbur and Gilbert, groaning, lumbered after him.

  Hands on hips, Ernie gave a satisfied nod, then bent and plucked Emma’s book from the dirt. He carefully wiped it clean on his cape, and presented it to its owner.

  ‘Thank you, Ernie,’ she said. ‘And you too, Fang. You were both fantastic.’

  Ernie and Maud grinned at each other.

  Then Ernie cleared his throat. ‘Actually, Emma, Maud’s name is Maud—not Fang. I just made that up so she’d seem cooler.’ He flushed with embarrassment, then corrected himself. ‘That’s not quite true either,’ he confessed. ‘I was trying to make myself seem cooler. Maud doesn’t need any help. She’s already the coolest person—I mean sheep—I ever met.’

  Emma tilted her head to one side and looked at Ernie thoughtfully. ‘Do you know what, Ernie? I don’t think you need any help either. You’re pretty cool too.’ Then she hugged her book to her chest and ran off across the park.

  Ernie and Maud followed slowly.

  ‘She’s right, you know,’ Maud told Ernie. ‘You are cool. Why, on your very first day as a superhero you saved my life and defeated three bullies.’

  ‘We defeated those bullies,’ Ernie said. ‘I couldn’t have done it without you, partner.’

  ‘Thanks, partner!’ said Maud. She clicked her hooves together happily and began to skip across the park towards High Street.

  Checking first to see that no one was looking, Ernie gave a little skip himself before jogging after her.

  SEVEN

  The four members of the Superheroes Society (Baxter Branch) were drowsing in the rays of afternoon sun that streamed through the dusty top windows of the shopfront when Ernie and Maud burst through the door of 32 High Street. They both started talking at once.