by Karen Bell
Mila gave him time to process his feelings. ‘It doesn’t bring your partner back,’ she finally said cutting to the heart of what he couldn’t say, ‘but it must have felt pretty good to see justice done,’ she added with an encouraging smile.
‘Not as good as seeing you clear that railing.’
Mila could see the image was cheering him up and it brought on a fresh pang of guilt for the fact that he still didn’t know everything about her. He looked at her as though she was still just an innocent victim. How might his opinions change when he learned the truth or heaven forbid if he one day saw those movies? She cringed at the thought of it, but knew it was too important to keep from him. If there was a chance of a relationship, it couldn’t grow from a bed of lies.
She felt her anxiety threatening to swallow her resolve and took a deep breath before she could change her mind. ‘I need to tell you something,’ she began with quavering voice.
Ryan took her hand and interrupted. ‘I need to tell you something too.’
‘You first,’ she said, glad to put off the inevitable for a minute longer.
He was looking down at her hand. ‘One of the drug dealers arrested tonight - there was some evidence seized from his home.’
‘What kind of evidence?’ she asked warily.
‘DVDs.’
Mila withdrew her hand, her eyes filling with tears. ‘Did you...did you see them?’ she whispered, already knowing the answer.
‘Just a few seconds...but enough.’
Mila held her breath, wiping the tears now streaming down her cheeks. The shame that she’d held inside for so long, sat squarely in her throat. She waited for him to say it, to think of some pre-rehearsed exit line, maybe a platitude or two to soften the blow. He spared her by not looking up before continuing.
‘I can’t begin to imagine how you survived what he put you through. I don’t know how someone even begins to recover from that.’
Here it comes, she thought, the lump now so big and sharp, that it was hard to breath.
‘I can’t undo the past, I don’t know if I can be what you need. I only know that I want to be with you, to protect you and to try to make up for everything he put you through.’
Mila was astounded. He thinks it’s simple. He thinks it would be like rescuing an animal from the RSPCA. ‘It doesn’t work that way,’ she managed to choke out, tears now in free fall. ‘You saw what he made me become. All the kindness in the world can’t change that or erase the memories. You can’t turn back the clock anymore than I can. I’ll always be damaged, I’ll always be wondering if you’re staying with me out of love or pity or some kind of misdirected loyalty, and you don’t deserve that.’
Even as Mila heard herself pushing him away, she couldn’t help it. She had to make him understand that a commitment to her was bound to end badly. He listened, before speaking again, this time looking directly into her eyes. ‘Mila, I don’t know how you see me, but we’ve all got our demons to deal with, not least of all me.’
‘But you’re so together, so comfortable in your own skin. You’ve got your family, your job, your surfing, and your music. I don’t even have a hobby, let alone an identity.’
He looked at her incredulously. ‘You think I never doubt myself, that I don’t worry if my life is actually headed somewhere? I’m thirty-four and less certain than I was at twenty-four about what’s important or how I can make a difference in my lifetime. I get hung up about the state of the planet, the lack of human decency and the dog-eat-dog times we live in. I try to take each day as it comes, to appreciate the little things but if we’re being honest, sometimes it’s all I can do to keep my head above water. And then I see people with real problems, insurmountable circumstances like yours and feel even more guilty for not always feeling happy or fulfilled.
‘I would never have guessed that,’ she offered in disbelief.
‘Well it’s not something I share with many people, let alone down at the station. I don’t need to rescue you Mila, you are so much stronger than you realise, I’m just inviting you aboard my leaky boat because until I met you there was no one else I wanted to paddle with, no one who made me feel like I really wanted to stay afloat.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she replied between sobs. ‘I don’t feel strong and I’m no master at happiness, I’m not even a master at getting by. How could I make you happy?’
‘But you do. Somehow my boat feels more seaworthy with you in it, the seas feel calmer, the light changes and all of a sudden I actually care what’s over the horizon.’
‘If we’re to continue your analogy, which by the way is both the sweetest and the corniest thing I’ve ever heard, you have to know it wouldn’t always be smooth sailing with me. You’d need to be ready for severe weather troughs, highs and lows to come out of nowhere.’
‘Mila, I’m ready for it all: good, bad, perfect storms, let me go to sleep at night knowing I’m the luckiest man in the world to share them with you.’
She looked up, uncertain as to the emotions now responsible for her fresh flood of tears. Most of all she felt gratitude. ‘I don’t think I thanked you for finding me when you did.’
He paused, his expression changing before her. ‘If I recall, that day in the police car park last year, you were doing a pretty good job of finding yourself.’
‘Oh my God,’ she cried, punching him in the shoulder with her good arm, before covering her face. ‘You did see. I’m mortified.’ She blushed crimson.
‘Even a gentleman can’t keep secrets forever,’ he teased. His voice deepened and became throaty ‘But Mila, I would like to find you now. I’d like to spend the next fifty years finding every square inch of you, starting right here,’ he gathered her close, forehead to forehead, nuzzling the tip of her nose before kissing the wet skin of her cheeks, ‘and then making my way here.’ He tilted her chin towards him and found her lips. His kiss was both tender and needy but it ended too soon, and drawing away, he looked deeply into her eyes.
‘Mila, I want to spend a lifetime finding you, but I’m happy to take it slowly. I want to be part of every secret, every memory and every future...Do you think you could picture us growing old together?’
She closed her eyes, wanting to be completely present in this extraordinary moment. She felt the touch of his skin against hers; drank in his comforting scent and inwardly acknowledged all he’d come to mean to her. For the first time in her life she wanted for absolutely nothing. She was exactly where she was meant to be.
‘I can’t imagine myself growing old without you,’ she replied.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
The picturesque drive, meandering from Devonport into the hills of Cradle Mountain had been an eye-opener for Mila. She had never been to Tasmania and was taken by the lush, undulating scenery, the cool, clean air and the unhurried pace as they wove their way up the mountain. Over the last twenty minutes Jack’s excitement had been mounting and Mila couldn’t stop giggling at the sight of him in the side mirror, his head and half his body projecting from the open window, tongue flapping wildly in the breeze.
‘He knows we’re close,’ Ryan’s laughed, turning off the single lane road, onto a newly laid drive. Mila’s mouth fell open too as she read the sign ‘Welcome to Cradle Mountain Dairy.’
‘This is where you come from? Your family makes Cradle Mountain cheeses?’
‘That’s us, cheese, milk, butter, yogurt and cream. Just a one-stop cholesterol shop really.’
‘You’ve been holding out on me. I love your cheeses.’
‘Well I can’t take much credit for the dairy side, Dad’s family on the farm goes back five generations, and my brother and sisters have really taken the cheeses to where they are today, but we’ve finally got a reliable source of truffles from the trees I planted ten years ago and we’ve just signed a deal with a big Japanese wholesaler for our wasabi.’
Mila smiled inwardly, not missing that even her perfect Ryan, felt the need to promote his accomplishments
occasionally.
Leaning forward to take in the view through the windscreen, Mila was enamoured. Long rows of spreading eucalypts on each side of the driveway arched over, their branches meeting protectively in the middle. Dappled light, danced through the natural arbour as they drove towards the heart of the property. Then, just as she thought she’d seen it all, the canopy gave way to a vast, open landscape, a patchwork of green and golden paddocks, and rolling hills beyond, reaching towards the sea. Black and white cows grazed in herds or lay in the shade of the trees. ‘This place is right out of a painting,’ she exclaimed, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’
Ryan was clearly delighted by her response. ‘Well I imagine it’s a notch nicer than the witness protection digs that the Department had in mind for you until the trial.’
‘Can they delay the trial for an extra month or two, maybe forever?’
Stretched out before them was a gracious farmhouse, with a deep, covered veranda extending the length of the building. The line of it, following the curve of the driveway reminded Mila of outstretched arms. Flowering vines meandered up timber posts to a second level, framing a wide and welcoming entry. She couldn’t be sure if it was the original home or if it had been recently built in classical manor style, but it was lovingly maintained and big enough to house their small army.
Ryan beeped the horn, as they approached. It was a Sunday and the whole family had come to receive them. His nieces and nephews, cuter by the dozen, appeared like nymphs from the gardens, followed by his mother, brother and sisters, and their various partners, emerging from the French doors thrown open to the house. Ryan looked over and squeezed Mila’s hand beside him as the car slowed.
Normally she would have been overwhelmed by the attention and the crush that ensued as they got out of the car, but the simple joy of being embraced by a loving family swept over her, leaving her lightheaded and bathed in a sense of belonging that was lately becoming more familiar to her.
As Mila took in all in, she realised that in some small way she was no longer the person that she had been. Neither would she ever be the person that she might have been, but somewhere in the middle she would learn to find herself, and she could live with that.
END
