There.
I said it.
“Summer,” her cat-like voice condescends. “Really. That was a very, let’s say, structured, rehearsed line. Viewers tuning into a Meghan Cascade show don’t expect those types of answers. We all know there were endless parties, lots of drinking and men. Tell us about that dramatic night, when you and Ben Story were caught on tape in the coat room of the Sundry Café. Do you remember throwing a drink in the photographer’s face before stealing someone’s coat to cover your, let’s say, unclothed top. If I’m not mistaken, that was your last public appearance. Was it that event that plunged you into making a dramatic retreat?”
My face burns at the shame of that night. I hope you’re ready, Meghan.
“Yes, I can safely say that highly publicized evening woke me up. It actually didn’t wake me up until the next day, though. When my then three-year-old son Sam said, “Look, Mommy’s on TV,” and I turned around and saw myself barely able to walk, wearing a stolen coat I was promising to pay the owner triple its worth for. I freaked. I grabbed my son’s toy dump truck and threw it into the television. My nanny came running in and grabbed Sam before she called the police. I was seriously out of control. I couldn’t live like that any longer.”
Meghan’s cat-like expression has changed to now licking the lips after a good bowl of milk. She got Part One of her drama story. I hope she’s ready for the next installment.
Chapter Eleven
“Before we go on, let’s head out to the back patio.” Meghan gestures for me to follow her.
My knees wobble slightly, as I make my way toward the patio with Meghan. The big statement is yet to come. I’m not sure of her agenda for changing the scene right now. We settle ourselves on the patio. We have to wait a few minutes while the crew gets the lighting just right.
It’s warm, but there’s not too much humidity, so it’s bearable. I’m surprised Meghan wants to sit out here, given her suit and sprayed hair. But this is her idea.
“So, you’ve just told the story about the event which sent you into seclusion. Tell us some more. What about events leading up to that night? I know our listeners would like to hear how this type of thing could happen to a young, pretty, successful girl. You seem to have everything, and yet, here you are. Out of the public eye for months, dressed in clothes from a local boutique, no less.” She laughs and makes a gesture like she’s blowing off what she just said, but she’s extremely serious.
I open my mouth to speak but close it. I have to compose myself. My heart is pounding harder than after I’ve done a four minute dance routine.
God, help me. Help me speak clearly and firmly.
I take a deep breath. A sense of calm covers me. “I don’t think hearing any more of my misadventures would be advantageous to anyone. What I think people need to hear is that I’ve been here recovering. My drinking was out of control as was my use of prescription pills. These abuses distorted my judgment, clouded my decision making, and in turn affected my career. So here I am, clean, sober and ready to be a mom to my son.”
“And ready to record music and go on tour?”
“Not so much. I am in the process of making another CD, but I think people will find it’s quite different.”
There. Step one. Done.
“Different? Oh, Summer. Please don’t tell me we’re going to hear one of those dull now-I-know-who-I-am CDs. Those never sell well. You are above playing those kind of games, I know.”
I smile. “Actually, Meghan, I know what type of CD you are talking about and no, I’m not making one of those. My CD won’t even compare.”
“Good. You had me scared there for a minute.”
“Well, we wouldn’t want to scare Meghan Cascade, would we? No, the CD I’ve written is about how God has changed my life. It’s going to be amazing, and I’m working with a prominent Christian musician right now who has been a very big help in this whole process. And I have to give credit to Skeet Lawson whom I’ve met while living here. He’s an amazing man with the ability to hone in on what’s important in life. I don’t know if I would have made it through all this if it hadn’t been for him.”
Now that I’ve stopped speaking, my heart is thumping hard, and my blood, pumping all throughout my body, has the rhythm of my heart. Meghan looks speechless, and I know there’ll be a lot of editing later.
“Summer, this isn’t stump the talk show host. This is the Meghan Cascade show. You’ve achieved your shock factor reaction—now be straight with me.” She waves her hand over an imaginary audience. “With your fans.”
“I’m not going for the shock factor. Those days are over. That’s what got me into my messes to begin with.”
“You mean messes like the ones in your sister’s upcoming book?”
I sigh. Of course I knew she would bring up the book. “I don’t want to talk about the book. The book is about the past. I want to talk about my future.”
“Cut!” Meghan yells.
“Cut!” A loud voice screams right after Meghan does. Must be the person who actually has the authority to yell cut.
“I’m going inside. Summer, will you come with me, please?”
She takes her microphone off, and I do the same. We walk into the kitchen where a crew member hands her a glass of water. They look at me.
“No. Thanks anyway.”
They disappear. Meghan and I are alone.
“Summer. Are you aware this segment isn’t going to air until after your custody hearing?”
“Yes. I’m well aware.”
“You don’t have to play the good Christian girl thing out on my show. Your custody hearing will be over.”
“I’m not playing anything. I’m trying to be real. For once. I thought reality was what you wanted.”
“It is.”
“Well, then …”
“I think you’re faking it.”
I step back. “I’m not faking it. You know how cruel the media is. I need a new start.”
“So you’re using me?”
Meghan crosses her arms. Her chin juts out while her eyes have stayed that cold, dark color.
“I’m telling you the truth.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then I don’t know how to convince you. Why can’t you believe a person can change? Why can’t you be on my side?”
Meghan shakes her head. “Let’s not pretend we are friends. We both know we’re not. Just like you have a job to do, singing, I have a job to do, also. Let’s go sit back down, and you can tell me what the fans want to hear. Tell them about the Summer Sinclair they all know. And love. Do I have to remind you that you have millions of fans, and they don’t want to hear how you’ve become a ‘good girl.’”
“What I really want is to be left alone. Coleman set this up, and even though I didn’t want to do it, I also didn’t want to be difficult. I’ve done my part.”
“Somebody get Coleman on the phone,” she yells. “He misled me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“The last thing I need is bad girl meets God on my show. Paul! We’re done here. Call my driver and wrap this disaster up.”
She uncrosses her arms, probably getting ready to bolt.
“I just don’t want to be cardboard.”
“What?” she asks.
“I don’t want to be cardboard,” I say a little louder now. “I want to be fudge.”
“Honey, take another pill.”
With those parting words she glares at me, turns away then leaves.
A loud clap sounds. Then another. I turn to find Levi standing five feet away from me. How could I have not seen him, and how long has he been here?
He claps one more time. “That’s my girl.”
“I’m in so much trouble.”
“You can’t worry about it.”
“This was my big chance. And I blew it. She didn’t believe me. Why couldn’t I convince her?”
He walks to me. “You look beautiful.”
“I even wor
e my church dress. Honestly. Why couldn’t I convince her?”
“She didn’t want to be convinced. She wanted dirt, and you wouldn’t give it to her.”
“She’s leaving. Coleman is going to be furious.”
He places his hands on my shoulders. “Forget about Coleman. Forget about Meghan Cascade. How do you feel?”
I stare into his eyes, reflective of what I want to be. Who I want to be.
Smiling from deep down in my soul, I put my hands on his waist. “I feel great. I feel free. I feel like …” and before I can finish my sentence, his lips cover mine.
My heart totally slams my chest.
I close my eyes and watch bright lights explode. His lips are softer than I imagined, fiery with passion, sweet like honey.
I’m lost.
In him.
In his kiss.
He surrounds me with his arms, ends the kiss, then buries his head in my hair, his lips close to my ear. “Sweet, so sweet,” he whispers.
And I thought I was in trouble a few minutes ago.
“If I don’t answer his calls he’ll come here. I swear.”
Levi and I are sitting on my front porch steps. I’ve changed into blue jeans and a T-shirt. I’m barefoot and extremely comfortable.
“He’s only called, what seven times so far this hour?”
“Eight. You missed one when you went to get that bottle of water.”
“Oh. Eight. Sorry.”
“So I’m going to answer the next time he calls. I don’t want him here.”
“I don’t want him here, either,” he says, looking at me with that look he had right before he kissed me two hours and ten minutes ago.
Could it mean?
He starts to move toward me, so I meet him halfway. His lips gently touch mine. My hand wraps around the back of his head, my fingers entwine in his hair. My heart takes him in.
I mean really, my heart takes him in. All of him, into my heart. Like no other feeling I’ve ever had. Like nothing else that has ever been in my heart.
It’s as much as Sam is in my heart but in a different way.
My phone ringer blasts, separating us with its loudness. I swear my lips still feel tingly as I answer Coleman’s call. I give Levi a ‘here I go’ look. He smiles back. I know things are going to be all right.
“Hi, Coleman.” Certainly he can sense how happy I am.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s about right. And you better start doing something. Do you realize how much is on the line here? Do you even get it? I can’t believe you’re stuck in some fantasy land where you can flitter around writing songs for God? What is that all about?”
“I’ve been trying to tell you I’ve changed.”
“That’s bull. You’ve changed until you get that brat back, then you’ll be back to the Summer I need to keep an eye on. I sent Meghan there for an exclusive interview, and you tried to feed her a load of crap. She’s not putting that on her show. She’d be the laughing stock of the industry.”
By this time, I’ve left the porch and am pacing in the driveway. Levi is sitting up, looking concerned. With Coleman blaring in my ear, Levi’s kiss seems far away. Coleman’s screaming has defused the tingly sensation.
“I was just trying to be real. Be me.”
“First you want to be normal. Then real. Just be Summer. It has been good for you.”
“And you, too.”
“That’s because I’m good at my job. Now Meghan said when you get back to California, she’s willing to interview you again. But only if you’ll be on the up and up. No more shenanigans. No more goofy-looking clothes. She said you looked like Barbie with a bad hair dye gone suburbia. Do I have to babysit you for everything?”
Okay, this is way worse than I thought. How deep am I in to my life? Am I a prisoner of my own making? “I’m trying, Coleman.”
“Trying to what? Ruin yourself? Meghan mentioned suing you for all of the costs of going out to Nowheresville. I don’t think she was serious, but you can see the ramifications, can’t you?”
“She can’t sue me.”
“Anybody can sue anybody. I know Sam is coming in a couple of days. Spend your week with him, get those songs ready, and when you come back here you are in the recording studio until that CD is done. Got it?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, and quit hanging out with that Preston guy. He’s obviously not good for you. This is his fault anyway making you think those weird God thoughts. I’ve Googled him. He’s way out there, Princess. You don’t want to get involved.”
I stare at Levi still sitting on my porch. Coleman has no clue as to what he’s talking about. “Sure.”
“I’m tempted to send Todd out there with Sam instead of your mother. He’d keep a good eye on you.”
My breath hitches. “I don’t think so. He’s not staying in my house.”
“You’ll do what I say. So straighten up, or he might just be on your doorstep come Saturday morning.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“You keep hanging around that no good Levi, and I’ll do what I have to. Say goodbye to your pretend life, Summer. If you want anything for Sam, you know what you need to do.”
He doesn’t say goodbye. Only the total silence indicates he’s no longer on the line. Typical Coleman.
I hit the End button on my phone. Coleman cannot send Todd here.
“Well?”
I stay standing. “Meghan Cascade is thinking of suing me for her expenses of coming out here.” I leave Todd out of this conversation. Levi doesn’t need to know how truly cruel Coleman is.
“Yeah, right. That won’t go far.”
“I doubt she’ll do it. Needless to say Coleman isn’t very happy.”
“That man is never happy, is he?”
“Occasionally. When my CD goes platinum.”
Levi stands and walks over to me. He doesn’t have that he’s-going-to-kiss-me-look, so I’m surprised when he steps closer and takes my chin in his hand. “You could make me happy all the time.”
His words send tingles down my arms. Just his words.
Levi’s face is something I could lose myself in. Coleman’s words blare through my head. The thought of Todd exploding on the scene ruining what vision I have of love scares me. This whole Levi thing scares me. It’s not real.
Coleman’s right. I can’t live like this. I am who I am. And I have to be that girl at least until this record is finished. Being fudge was fun, but it can’t last forever. It’s a fantasy of a life that I’m not meant to lead.
My face flushes at the words I spoke with Meghan Cascade. Who did I think I was? What was I trying to prove? That I’m trying to be something I’m not?
I can’t even keep my thoughts away from kissing Levi. I’m the same old Summer. And I can’t be anything else. Who am I kidding?
I gently take Levi’s hand from my chin. I wrap my fingers around his and squeeze them a little before letting go. “I’m sorry,” I say, backing up away from him. Away from a life I can’t lead.
“What?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this. I’m not who you think I am. Thanks for your help with my music. I’ll remember all you’ve taught me. But this just won’t work out.”
“Is this about Coleman’s phone call?”
“No. It’s about me and the real reality of life.”
I turn and start up the steps.
“Summer, don’t do this. This is real. I am real.”
His voice is clear. I want to believe what he says, but it can’t be true. There is too much. I’m not ever going to be good enough for Levi. I’m having to push my feet one in front of the other, but I’m doing it. I have to.
I open the door, not looking back.
It was fun being fudge even if it was only for a little while.
Chapter Twelve
I glance again at my phone. Ten minutes have passed since the last time I’ve look
ed at it. I’m sitting on my back porch, sipping my coffee, waiting for Sam to arrive. My mother called a while ago to tell me they were leaving the airport.
At least Coleman didn’t send Todd here. Everyone had played their own version of ‘let’s torture Summer’ the last few days with no one committing to who would bring Sam.
I lean my head back trying to recapture the songs I’ve been working on the last two days. I spent Wednesday night writing like crazy. Dance tunes that will rock the world. Catchy lyrics. Even catchier choruses.
You’re my man. You’re all I need. You make me purr, you make me cry, don’t ever leave, don’t say goodbye. Make me yours, make me purr, I’m your forever girl. Make me purr.
I’ve titled that song Purrfect.
I even managed to do a few dance steps. I’m not as out of shape as I thought I would be. A little more winded, but that will take care of itself the more I practice.
I’ll give Coleman his last cardboard CD. Then and only then will I be free. But I can’t indulge in that freedom right now. There’s too much at stake.
I miss Levi. I’ll just say it. I miss singing with him, laughing with him. But I need to focus, and being around Levi made me focus on all the wrong things. Skeet spoke several times about God’s timing. Well, the time for me to be about God isn’t right now.
Coleman even managed to get me another interview with Meghan Cascade when I get back to California. He smoothed it over with her explaining how I’ve been under stress and not myself. He said she was still peeved but willing to give me another chance.
I should feel grateful, but instead I feel coerced. Again. But it’s my own fault. I have so many things going on, and I want to focus all my energies on getting custody of Sam. If everything else in my life is an uphill battle, I can’t concentrate on that.
As I hear a car coming up the long, winding drive I set my coffee cup on the porch. Sam is here.
Moments later, as the rental comes into view, I run down the steps. When I open the car door, my son’s smile greets me, and I know my heart is breaking into tiny mother pieces.
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