by S. M. Shade
“Don’t turn the TV up too loud,” I warn, and he rushes off. By the look on Bailey’s face, she’s got something on her mind.
“Bailey, is something wrong?”
“We’re starting to get packed. We’ll be moving soon.”
I’d give up a kidney to move into a nice house like the one she’s getting, but I understand her apprehension. She’s grown up here. “I know moving is hard, but you’ll still be close by. You can come over and hang out, play with the friends you have here.”
Her next words wound something growing inside of me that I hadn’t even let myself admit was there. “Will you and Dad still be friends if he starts dating the lady from the dollar store?”
“What lady?” Pausing, I take a deep breath. I didn’t mean to snap at her, but the words just sort of flew out.
Nonplussed, she shrugs. “Some lady that Dad met at the dollar store. They talk all night on the phone. He doesn’t think I know.”
You have no right to be jealous, I tell myself. Over and over, I let that reminder beat through my head. No right to be jealous. No right.
It doesn’t change the fact that an ache has settled in my chest, right on top of the emptiness in my middle. Swallowing hard, I think carefully before answering her. “It doesn’t matter who your Dad dates, you and I will always be friends and you’ll always be able to come and visit anytime.”
The corner of her lip tucks in. “It won’t be the same.”
I try to swallow down the sudden panic and heartache that has gripped me and sit across from her.
“Not exactly the same, I know. But that’s life, honey. The next few years are going to be full of changes for you. You’ll go to middle school, then high school, meet new friends, and experience new things. It’ll be scary, but a whole lot of fun too. And you can always come and talk to me.”
Nodding, she gets to her feet. “Thanks. I’d better get back. We’re cleaning out closets. We might have a yard sale.”
“Let me know if you need anything.”
I feel a little bad as she leaves because I know she’s upset, but it was everything I could do not to burst into tears. Which is stupid. Neal and I decided from the beginning that we were just screwing around, that we wouldn’t get serious because it wouldn’t be good for the kids.
It just felt like more. Watching him teach Aiden to ride his bike, helping me by cutting the grass at Mom’s, spending hours at night cuddled together in bed, talking about anything and everything until the sky started to lighten.
Spending all that time at the hotel wasn’t a good idea. It felt too much like a relationship and made me lose the grip on what we are; two single parents helping each other out with the kids. And an occasional orgasm. So why does it feel like someone scooped out my insides and filled me with sand? That’s the best way I can describe the disappointment and sudden regret weighing me down. Heavy.
I need to talk to someone because this is crazy. Neal isn’t my boyfriend.
I grab my phone and text Emily.
Me: What are you doing tonight?
Emily: No plans. I’m off tomorrow.
Me: Me too. Want to get drunk?
Emily: Name the time and place.
Me: Let me get back to you. See if I can find a sitter.
I’m sure as hell not asking Neal. I don’t want to see him right now because there’s no way I can act like everything is okay. He has no idea I know about this other woman. Instead, I text Noble.
Me: Hey, I’m looking for a sitter tonight. Would you or Denton want to make $25 to stay with Aiden?
It doesn’t take him long to reply.
Noble: Do you mind if Jani joins me?
Me: Not at all. Seven?
Noble: I’ll be there.
Emily and I make plans to meet at my place and taxi to a bar in the next little town. I’m not looking to meet anyone else. I just want to drown my sorrows and talk to a friend who might be able to help me work out what the hell I’m feeling, but I’m still dressing to kill tonight. I need to feel beautiful. Getting passed over for the dollar store lady is hell on a girl’s self-esteem.
“Ade, I’m going to go see Emily tonight. Noble and Jani are coming to watch you. I want you to be good and go to bed when they tell you to.”
“Can we play video games?” He looks up from the table where he’s scarfing down a hot dog and mac and cheese.
“Yeah, after you finish eating, you can play.”
“Yes!”
A little over an hour later, Emily shows up and whistles. “You look great. Can’t remember the last time I saw you in a dress.”
Maybe because I don’t own a lot of dresses. I’m much more a jeans and t-shirt kind of person, but my form fitting little black dress makes my slight curves look more pronounced. My hair—that’s more often tied up in a ponytail than not—hangs around my face, straight, and sleek. A light layer of makeup hides my pale skin’s flaws and makes my eyes pop. I don’t look like me, but I think I like it. Tonight, I want to be someone else.
Noble and Jani show up right after, and Aiden instantly drags Noble over to the video games.
“Damn,” Jani says, grinning at me. “You out to get laid tonight?”
“Nope, just trying to blow off some steam.”
“Well, if it turns into an all nighter, just text me. I don’t mind staying.”
Noble gives me a strange look before asking, “Where’s Neal tonight?”
“Home, I assume.” A honk from outside saves the day. “Our taxi is here. You both have my number.” I give Aiden a quick kiss goodnight that he swats away, focused on his game.
“Thanks guys!” I call out to Noble and Jani as we’re leaving.
Emily turns to me once we’re in the taxi. “So, do you want to tell me what happened? Because I’ve never known you to want to hit the bar last minute.”
“I need a drink first.”
“Okay.”
One thing I always dread is that first moment you walk into a bar. Everyone turns to look at you and this time is no different. My forced smile probably doesn’t hide my sudden nerves as I try not to trip or do anything stupid. By the time we choose a table, everyone’s attention has wandered away again. Whew.
The place is packed, and we were lucky to get a table, even though it’s next to a table full of loud guys who are probably from the college, by the looks of them. We order drinks from the waitress, and Emily waits until we’re sipping our fruity alcohol to ask again. “So, what happened?”
“I’m an idiot,” I sigh. “I thought I could just fuck Neal with no strings attached and keep emotions out of it. But today, I found out he’s seeing someone else and…it hurts. I don’t have the right to be jealous. But I want to find the dollar store bitch and scratch her eyes out.”
Emily sits up and signals the waitress. “Two more Margaritas. And two shots of Jaeger.”
She shoves my drink toward me. “Drink that, because we’re going to get fucked up, then you’re going to listen to me, because I have a lot to say.”
A giggle escapes me despite my somber mood. I love how blunt she is. I knew she was the person to go to if I wanted to put things in perspective. We down our drinks, then the shots, and begin sipping our second margaritas. Warmth spreads from my stomach out, and I feel my muscles relax a bit.
“Okay,” Emily begins. “First, how do you know he’s seeing someone?”
“Bailey told me. She was worried because they’re moving soon. She doesn’t know we were more than friends—she’s only eleven—but she was worried a girlfriend in the mix would keep us all from hanging out.”
“Smart kid,” Emily murmurs. “You don’t know how long they’ve been seeing each other?”
“No, all I know is she said they talk all night on the phone.”
Emily sips her drink. “Then he may not be sleeping with her.”
“It doesn’t matter. We aren’t together. I shouldn’t care.”
“Veronica, just because you two said you woul
dn’t be serious doesn’t mean you weren’t. You spent every moment together. For months. You take care of each other’s children. You go places together, eat meals together, hang out constantly at your place or his. Like it or not, even without the sex, that’s a relationship. You two can deny it until the end of always, but it’s still true.
“I understand you didn’t make any promises to each other, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t let you know he’s dating someone and give you the option to stop what you’re doing. Let me ask you something. What if it were the other way around? If you had met someone and accepted a date with him, would you have told Neal? Or would you hide it and go on fucking him?”
Damn, she’s making sense.
“It’s different. I wouldn’t accept the date in the beginning. I told you that firefighter asked me out when I ran into him again.” Shaking my head, I drain my glass. “I never even considered it. I was in a hurry to get back to Neal. We were taking the kids to the lake.”
Her gaze meets mine. “You want my honest opinion?”
“Of course.”
“You’ve nailed the issue right there. If he’s willing to date and hide it from you, then I don’t think he feels the same way you do. Or he’s just an asshole. Either way, it leads to the same.”
Sighing, I sit back in my chair, trying to accept what is clear. “It’s over. Whatever it was.”
Emily’s expression softens. “I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you. Any idiot can see that he does. I think there are some men who just don’t settle down, and if he’s still playing games at his age, maybe he’s one of them.”
I signal the waitress for another drink. “We never should’ve slept together. I don’t want to lose him completely, especially because Aiden adores him, but I think I need some distance for a while.” Emily smiles when I ask, “Any advice on how to get over someone I never should’ve been under?”
“Get under someone new?”
Laughing, I shake my head. “Not my style.” My gaze is drawn to the dance floor where a throng of gyrating bodies clash and move together. There are quite a few young guys here tonight. “But I wouldn’t mind rubbing my drunk ass all over one of these guys on the dance floor.”
“Ha!” Emily gets to her feet. “Are you drunk? Good. Let’s go have some fun.”
The next few hours are a blur of alcohol, laughter, and sweaty male bodies pressed to mine. I don’t remember any of the guy’s names, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not going home with anyone, just having fun and reminding myself that Neal isn’t the only man in the world. Even if he’s the only man in my world. What did I just tell Bailey?
Life is change.
And getting trashed and dancing with strangers is a definite change for me.
Emily stumbles back to the table, a man’s arm wrapped around her. Where do I recognize him from? Oh, it’s the guy who comes in the laundromat with a bunch of kid’s clothes every week. The same one she’s been drooling over from a distance. She’s been dancing with him all night, so I’m surprised I didn’t notice before.
“Veronica, this is Lincoln.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Good to meet you too,” he says. He excuses himself to go to the bar, and Emily plops down across from me with a squeal.
“I finally talked to him! Oh, Veronica, he’s so great. I know he’s older, but I don’t give half a fuck.”
“You were worried about him having a bunch of kids,” I remind her. I’m not trying to douse her happiness. I’m glad to see she finally made a move, but she’s drunk so a reminder seems prudent.
“He doesn’t! All that laundry he brings in is from his neighbor’s kids. They’re poor and she’s a single mom so he helps her out. Isn’t that sooo sweet?” She sighs and lays her head on her arm, her cheeks pink with alcohol.
“It really is,” I agree.
“I’m going to fuck him. Tonight. God, it’s been so long.”
Laughing at how quickly that escalated, I ask, “Is he aware of this?”
“He offered to drive us home since he’s only had two beers. I told him I might need help making it to my bed,” she laughs.
“Subtle.”
“Right?”
Lincoln returns with two bottles of water, hands them to us and takes a seat. While they make goo goo eyes at each other, the next table of college guys becomes another source of entertainment.
They’re drunk and talking louder than they think they are about who is the worst at getting women.
A slurring blond, maybe about twenty-two years old, states, “You guys just have to learn to be smooth like me.”
His friend snorts. “Uh-huh, like when you tried to get Molly to go home with you?”
“Hey, her loss, doesn’t mean my game was faulty.”
“You winked and pointed finger guns at her.”
His table cracks up laughing, and Emily and I join in, but they don’t seem to notice.
“That’s not as bad as when he tried to get my neighbor to go out with him,” another guy speaks up.
“What?” The blond glares at him, looking offended. “I said she was pretty!”
“You told her she was quite comely, and she laughed at you. I was waiting for you to suggest courting her.”
“Fuck off, at least I fucked Samantha.”
His friend scoffs. “Like that’s so hard to do. She’s got that whore jaw. It dislocates when it sees dick.”
He grins. “Yeah, her tits kind of turned me off too. She had nipples the size of a McGriddle. And she smelled like hot dog water.”
That does it. Emily and I both fall into hysterics. Lincoln chuckles and shakes his head at us. Emily’s gaze meets mine, and I know she’s wondering the same thing as me. Is it our neighbor Samantha?
“Are you two ready to go?” Lincoln asks.
“Yeah, I think I’ve sweated off all my makeup,” I laugh.
Lincoln seems amused by our drunken conversation on the ride home, though he doesn’t say anything.
“Fuck Neal and his dollar store whore,” I say, laughing. The world outside the car slides by in a smear of colors and lights. “God, why don’t I do this more often? I feel great. We should do this every week.”
I roll the window down and lay my head on the sill, letting the wind blow through my damp hair.
“We should!” Emily agrees.
Lincoln chuckles and grins at her. “I think you two will have a different opinion tomorrow.”
“Psh, that’s future Veronica’s problem. Present Veronica is happy as fuck.”
Emily laughs when her stomach growls. “Present Emily is starving.”
“Tacos!” I exclaim, probably a little too loudly. “We need tacos.”
Turning into the fast food restaurant just down the street from us, Lincoln says, “You’ll definitely be hating life tomorrow.”
A few minutes later, we pull up in front of my apartment. “Just park here,” Emily directs. “I’m only a couple doors down and there’s never a spot.”
Laughing, we all pile out of the car. Somehow, the humid air reaches out and trips me. I stumble into Lincoln, trying to hang onto my food and not eat a mouthful of grass. He grabs me and holds my arm a moment, steadying me.
“Thanks. Sorry I stepped on your foot.”
“No problem.”
Emily opens her mouth to say something, but she doesn’t get a chance. Neal marches out my front door, glaring at Lincoln’s hand on my arm. “What the fuck are you doing?” Before anyone can say anything, he snaps at Lincoln. “Who the fuck are you?”
Whoa.
Stop the train.
My drunken brain takes a second to catch up, but once it does, rage blooms in the pit of my stomach.
Controlling my temper, temporarily, I nod at Lincoln. “Thanks for getting us home safely.”
He glances up at a simmering Neal, then focuses on me. “Are you okay here?”
“Yep. All good.”
“She’s fine,” Emily agree
s, winking at me and pulling Lincoln toward her apartment. “And she has my number if she needs me.”
They walk away, and I turn to face Neal, a hundred different emotions roiling inside me. “Just what the hell was that?”
His frown deepens. “Where were you? Have you been drinking?”
“Not since I left the bar.”
He scowls and crosses his arms. “You don’t drink.”
Somebody help me because I’m fighting the urge to kick him in the shins like a toddler throwing a tantrum. All the hurt I’ve felt today after finding out about his other woman mixes with anger, and all I want to do is make him feel the way I do.
“I don’t dance all night with hot college guys either, but maybe I should more often. Tonight was just what I needed. And it’s none of your damned business what I do!”
He grabs my arm as I start toward the house, and I lose my temper. He’s seeing someone else while he’s fucking me, and he has the nerve to get pissed I went out without telling him?
“I’m not a child, Neal. And you can’t tell me what to do. You can fuck right off!” Great, I’ve joined the Violent Circle tradition of screaming and fighting in the yard. I’m so pissed that he’s got me worked up to this point and ruined a fun night when I was already struggling. I don’t kick him in the shins, but my reaction isn’t much better. Jerking away from him, I throw the greasy bag in my hand right at his head, and it explodes in a burst of meat, lettuce and cheese, raining down on his head and the ground.
Noble and Jani step out onto my porch, and Neal tears his glare from me, realizing we have an audience. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow when you’re sober,” he says.
But he’ll probably go home and call the dollar store bitch tonight. “Don’t bother. I don’t need anything from the dollar store. Least of all some kind of crotch rot.” I throw my final words back as I march toward the house.
If he responds, I don’t hear it. My heart is beating in my ears, and all I want to do is get inside.
Jani follows me in and sits down while I head for the bathroom to relieve my screaming bladder.
A glance in the mirror shows me what a mess I am, and I stand there for a moment, trying to find my equilibrium. Nothing shows you how drunk you are like being alone in a bathroom. It’s always then I seem to notice. Once I’ve relieved myself and pulled my emotions under control, I return to the living room and flop onto the couch.
