Me: Then stop asking. I’m just fine. Don’t text me again unless it’s an emergency that has to do with the boys.
Justin: I really am sorry.
Me: Yes, you are.
And with that, I turn my phone off. The boys are home, so I don’t need to worry about missing something from them. They’re safe and sound in their rooms.
I shut the lights off in the living room and wrap myself into the fuzzy couch blanket. I don’t even care that I didn’t brush my teeth. Right now, I just want to sleep.
THE NEXT SIX WEEKS fly by. Justin has his attorney send me the divorce papers, which are all wrong. He tried to give me the house in the initial paperwork, along with alimony. Sitting down at the bar in the kitchen, I tally up what the expenses will be for me to pay for an apartment’s rent and utilities for three months, plus a little extra to buy a few pieces of furniture and some other “new place” necessities. I send the divorce papers back to his attorney, unsigned with the changes I want. He gets basically everything, and all the debt that goes with it. All I want is the amount I tallied to get on my feet and my seven-year-old Ford Explorer that’s paid off. That’s it.
Justin tries to text me and call me often, leaving me voicemails about how he feels horrible that I am not taking anything he’s willing to give. I ignore it all. I don’t want or need anything else from him.
The boys and I argue about it because I’m not hiding anything from them when it comes to this divorce. I need them to know I am going to be just fine on my own two feet. They are still not talking to their dad, and the fact that I am basically refusing almost any help from him pisses them off even more. I just can’t deal with Justin anymore. Destry even traded in his motorcycle on a used car because he said he didn’t want anything that made him feel like he owed Justin something.
It didn’t dawn on me until the day he and Julia showed up on my doorstep how pathetic I feel about the course my life has taken. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a thing about marrying Justin and having my boys. They are what makes my life have purpose. But the fact that I couldn’t see what was happening to my marriage right in front of my face is devastating. It was definitely a life lesson learned though . . . a defining moment.
I’d always known there were people out there who are skeptical about the whole “forever” thing, but I really, truly, had thought Justin and I would be together forever. I thought we were on the same page when it came to pushing through the rough spots and loving each other through it all. Until the morning in the kitchen when he’d told me he didn’t love me anymore, I’d always felt our love for each other could survive anything.
I’d been a complete fool. Because no matter how much you love someone, shit happens. People fall out of love. People fall into lust. People realize they have nothing in common and move on. I was just the idiot who didn’t see it until I was slapped in the face with it. I was the idiot who thought love and marriage meant forever. I mean, hell, I’d dedicated twenty-one of my almost thirty-nine years of life to one man. The only man I’ve ever loved. The man who gave me three beautiful sons. The man who promised me forever. If we couldn’t make it work, nobody could.
Since we were amicable on the divorce paperwork, it was final after only a few short weeks. I was officially a divorcee.
It was in the first couple of weeks after the actual divorce was complete that I came to the gut-wrenching realization that forever love was just a figment of our imagination. Marriage/Love was a guise for what we all were really feeling; it was the lust, loneliness, and desire for companionship we craved that made us think we were in love.
Yep, I’d become that woman. The one who’d had her heart ripped out by a man she’d given her entire heart and life too. I’d become a woman bound and determined to never need another man for the rest of her life.
It’s weird how fast things can change when the heart is involved.
A MONTH AFTER THE divorce was final, Destry graduated from high school. I’ve become numb to seeing Julia and Justin together now. I’ve done everything in my power to help the boys rebuild their relationship with Justin after the blowup. I didn’t want them to lose that. They need their dad, and as much as it burns my ass to admit, he really is a very good, loving father to them. The hardest part has been that they don’t like Julia at all and are having a hard time accepting she will be their stepmother in a few months. They don’t appreciate her meddling in their business, and I can’t say that I blame them.
Along with all the other reasons, it also drives them crazy that she is always hanging on Justin like a cheap accessory. I can tell the obnoxious amount of affection she is hell-bent on displaying makes him uncomfortable too. I’m about 99.9 percent sure the display is being put on for me. I will never understand why though. He chose her. I get it. I have enjoyed the times Claire has been around when Justin and Julia show up. She refers to them as the J&J Show. She has no filter, and I’m almost embarrassed to admit I get a sick satisfaction out of watching her interact with them.
Today, in a last ditch effort to restore their relationship, Justin is helping Destry pack up and driving with him to Boise. We went back and forth for several weeks because he was almost insistent on giving up his scholarship to stay home and go to school here with the twins.
I absolutely refused to let him change his plans. He’d been so excited to go to BSU and play ball for them, and I wasn’t going to let him make a rash decision because he was worried about me being alone. I reminded him daily how proud I was of him for taking such a big step and following his dreams.
When Justin gets into his truck, with all my baby’s college stuff strapped down in the back, I know it’s time for them to go and I’m not sure I can keep from breaking down. Destry walks toward me quickly, not stopping until he has me in his arms, squeezing the life out of me.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay, Mama?” he chokes out.
“Destry, put me down, baby,” I say to him gently. He sets me down on my feet but doesn’t look at my face.
“I am so damn proud of you, sweetie. I know it’s going to be hard for both of us transitioning into our new lives, but you remember I am always just a phone call away if you need me. You will be fine. I will be fine.” My voice breaks at the end and his eyes lift to find mine.
“I love you, Mama. You have to promise me you will tell me if you want me to come home. I will in a heartbeat. I can play ball here, if you need me,” he says, trying hard to make his voice strong.
“I am going to be just fine, Destry. I will probably drive you crazy with the texts and phone calls the first few weeks while I adjust to not being able to see you every day,” I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.
“Promise me, Mama. Promise me you’ll call me if you need me,” he says sternly.
“I promise, baby,” I smile up at his handsome face. Jesus, I’m going to miss this kid. I kiss his cheek and once again he pulls me up into a rib-crushing hug.
“Smack Ben and Eli for me once in a while.” He smirks at them over my shoulder and chuckles. I nod, because trying to talk again is going to just make me cry.
He kisses my head, before turning to hug his brothers quickly. They are going to miss each other so much, but they are all acting “manly” and just give each other quick guy hugs before Ben and Eli tuck tail and walk back into the house.
Destry kisses my head one more time and starts toward his car.
“What, no hug for me?” I hear come from behind me, and I cringe inside knowing Destry is not going to hug her. I just hope he remembers his manners.
He stops and turns to face her, but makes no attempt to go to her.
“Good luck with the baby, Julia. I can’t wait to see pictures of her,” he says with as much sincerity as he can muster. He gives her a small smile and climbs into his car. That’s my boy.
I glance back at her and she is smiling and rubbing her ever-expanding belly. Justin waves to her and she blows him a kiss and screams, “Love you, ba
by, drive safe,” before giggling like a twelve-year-old.
I need a drink.
Justin pulls away in the truck, and then I watch as my baby puts his car in drive, waves at me through the window, and pulls away from the curb. The lump in my throat is huge and I’m trying to wait until I get into the house to break down.
“See you around, Julia,” I say as I walk toward the front door to get away from her as quickly as possible.
“Hey, Ell, wanna grab some lunch?” Julia asks cheerfully.
I must be looking at her like she’s got two heads because she flinches when my eyes meet hers. It dawns on me this is the first time we’ve been alone together. This could go bad quickly.
“First of all, my name is Ellie, not Ell.” I take a breath to try to control the hammering of my heart. “Second, we are not friends, Julia. In case you forgot, you basically ruined my family, slept with my husband, and continually throw your relationship with him in my face. I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with you at all.” I watch her face turn red and tears form in her eyes, but I don’t care and can’t stop myself from continuing.
“I put up with you in my life because my children are my world and I am trying like hell to keep their relationship with their father going. Don’t misinterpret my intentions as wanting a relationship with you or Justin, because I don’t. If I never had to see either of you again, I’d be okay with that. But since Justin is their father and you are his whatever,” I throw my hands up, feeling myself getting angrier by the second, “I guess I’ll just have to suffer through having you around.”
I start toward the house, but only make it a few steps before I blow. Spinning around so I’m facing her, I take a few steps toward her and she backs up.
“Also, since we’re on the subject, let me give you a little advice when it comes to my boys. They are trying really hard to like you because you are their sister’s mom. But they are mine and Justin’s children. We raised them together for twenty years, and they have turned into wonderful young men because of that. You do not, in any way, shape, or form, need to try to mother them. It makes them mad. If you want to build a relationship with them, try being their friend. They have a mother and don’t want or need another one,” I snap. Julia has tears running down her face, but she doesn’t look mad. She looks devastated, like everything I just said to her is surprising.
“I’m sorry, Ellie,” she sobs out. “I know we hurt you, and I wish that I could change that, but I can’t.”
I turn to walk away but stop when I hear her say, “You can’t help who you love, Ellie. Justin and I love each other.”
I stop but don’t turn to her because I don’t want her to see the tears that are streaming down my face. “Yeah, he told me he loved me every day for twenty-one years, Julia. You see how well that turned out,” I snarl and then continue walking away from her.
THE REST OF THE day is a blur. I do everything possible to keep busy, and it isn’t hard because I do have a lot to do. I put a deposit down on a cute little two bedroom, one bath apartment a couple of weeks ago and am actually pretty excited to move into it. There are indoor and outdoor pools, along with a full gym. It’s also on the edge of a park with fantastic hiking trails.
I have two weeks of classes left and I’ll be done with my culinary certificate, and I’ve already started sending out resumes to some of the nicer restaurants close to my new place. I’m really hoping to get a job close, considering it is on the opposite side of the city from where Justin and Julia live. I even applied for a home-cook internship in Rome, Italy just for fun.
Justin decided he’d sell the house and give me half the money from the equity in it. I tried to explain to him I didn’t want it because he was the one who paid the bills since he was the only one who worked. He got pissed and gave me a fifteen-minute lecture on how my job had been to take care of our children and our home and how I had done that for all the years we lived there. He kept telling me I deserved half of it and I was going to take it. I didn’t argue with him after that. He was right.
From what the boys told me, Julia had not been happy he wanted to sell the house. They said she whined for days about it because it was a big beautiful house, it was nearly paid off, and she wanted to live there. Justin told her there was no way he was living in that house again. I’m sure he felt the same way I did about it. Yes, the house held beautiful memories of our children growing up, but it would also be a constant reminder of what we’d lost.
I GET A TEXT FROM Destry late that night letting me know they made it to Boise just fine and they are staying in a hotel near campus for the night. They’ll unload his stuff tomorrow morning and then Justin will head back. I tell him I love him and how proud I am of him again, and make him promise to call me tomorrow evening once he’s settled into his dorm.
I also get a text from Justin as I’m getting into bed.
Justin: It’s weird that I’m dropping him off at college, Ell. Our baby is a man.
Me: Thank you for driving his stuff there and going with him. Made me breathe a little easier.
Justin: You don’t have to thank me for that.
Me: Have a safe trip back.
I put the phone down and finish getting ready for bed. Now that I know they made it okay, I’ll be able to sleep, especially with the help of the glass of wine I’m currently drinking. I prop the pillows up on the bed so I can sit and read my latest erotic novel. Since our split, I’ve rekindled my love of reading romance novels. Who knew that the fairly-tame romance novels I read as a teenager and young adult had come so far in the past twenty years I was too busy to read. Apparently, I’ve been missing out on a lot.
Just as I’m getting settled into bed with my wine and my book, my phone chimes again.
Justin: Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me enough for us to be friends again someday?
And just as I finish reading the first text, the phone chimes again.
Justin: I miss you.
I stare at my phone for several minutes before the tears start. Do I miss him? I’m not sure if it’s him I miss or if it’s the normalcy that was our life before. I love Justin; I always have and I probably always will. Now that we are apart, I do like the newness of all the things I’m accomplishing. I like the thrill of knowing I’m trying new things and making something out of my life that is just for me, and not for him or our kids.
Me: Truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point where we can be friends, Justin. What I do know is that you aren’t allowed to tell me you miss me. I wasn’t enough for you, remember? YOU left. You have a fiancé and a baby on the way.
I hit send before I can change my mind. I do miss our friendship. He was my best friend. I understand he misses that. But once again, it wasn’t enough to keep him around. He needed more.
Me: From this point forward, please do not text me unless it has to do with the boys.
A few minutes later, he finally replies.
Justin: You’re right. I’m sorry. Good night, Ell.
I don’t respond.
Ben and Eli are moving into their new apartment on campus next week. With all of them out of the house, Justin will have very little reason to text me directly. That will help.
OVER THE NEXT TWO weeks, I pack and study. Ben and Eli help as much as they can, but with the class load they are taking over the short summer semester, they’re super busy. On Thursday afternoon, I take my final test and am so thankful to be finished. The longer I don’t see or hear from Justin, the more excited I get for the new path my life is taking.
Saturday morning is show time. The twins arrive at 8 a.m. to load my stuff into their trucks and take it all to my new place. They’ve already moved into their apartment, so the house is already basically bare. Justin and I agreed to give them most of the furniture. I purchased a loveseat, a chair, and a new bed. The boys were horrified that I wasn’t putting a TV in my new place, but I’m not much of a TV watcher and don’t want the extra expense rig
ht now. I have an iPad and Netflix if I want to watch a movie. Plus, I bought all new kitchen stuff, and I wanted the good stuff, so the extra money went there.
What the boys and I don’t want, we are leaving behind. Justin told the boys he’d go through what we left, keep what he wants, and give the rest to charity. The house went on the market last week and I’m hoping it sells fast. The less connection I have to Justin, the more free I feel.
We pull up in front of the apartment complex and I instantly notice there is a little sports car parked in one of the spots marked with my apartment number. Not that I need two parking spots normally, but right now I do. Eli backs his truck into the open slot and Ben pulls his truck right in front of Eli’s since there is no other place to park.
The boys spend several minutes chatting about how “kick ass” the car is before I have to get them refocused. They make quick work of unloading Eli’s truck. When that one is finished, Eli moves his truck in front of the car and backs Ben’s truck in to start unloading it. Just as we are finishing up Ben’s truck, I hear the deepest voice ever coming from behind me.
“Hey, sweetheart, you wanna have your man move his truck from in front of my car? That’s not a parking spot.”
I turn quickly, ready to tear this guy’s head off, and stop dead in my tracks as my eyes meet his. Holy mother of God. He is breathtaking. Tall, athletic build, clean-cut dark hair, but I can’t see his eyes because he’s got on shades. He’s dressed in a suit that fits him like it was made for his body. Probably was.
I hear laughter, followed by, “Dude! I’m her kid,” Ben says as he continues to laugh hysterically.
Eli comes out of the apartment and heads our way with a curious look on his face.
Defining Moments Page 4
