“That was weird,” Ben says under his breath. I feel the tears start to pool in my eyes, so I smile quickly to make my eyes squint and make the wetness less noticeable.
“He must have gone to get medicine or something,” I mutter.
“Night, Mom,” Ben cheers. “Thanks for dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I tell him I love him and then let Eli pull me into a tender hug. “You need to talk to Ben and Destry soon, Ma. You need to go. It will be an amazing experience for you,” he whispers.
I nod and then turn to hug Claire and Tyler. They’ve been unusually quiet tonight, which surprises me. I know something is going on, but they act like I’m a china doll at this point, so my guess is they’ll tell me when they’re ready.
Once everyone is gone, I walk into the kitchen, take a pain pill, grab a glass of water and head off to bed.
Just as I start to feel the effects of the pain pill, I decide to text Saint. He’s probably right. I shouldn’t have let Justin get to me, and I shouldn’t have cheapened what we have by lashing out at Justin with lies.
Me: I’m sorry, Saint. I shouldn’t have said those things to Justin. I was just pissed and wanted to hurt him.
I lay the phone beside me on the bed. I wedge a pillow behind me so I don’t once again make the mistake of rolling onto my left side. Then I pull the covers up to my chin. My eyes are getting heavy and I’m starting to think he won’t respond when my phone chimes.
Saint: Doesn’t matter. Good luck in your recovery, Ellie. Let me know when you’re ready to come back to work.–Cord
Ouch. Okay. So, still mad and not planning to see me again until I’m ready to go back to work, which could be months away . . . and he signed it Cord after I called him Saint. Yep, he’s still pissed . . . which makes me pissed.
Me: Okay. Well, I need to talk to you tomorrow. Think you can spare me five minutes?
He doesn’t respond again. Between the emotions of this day, my fight with Saint, and now the pain killer pulling me under, I’ve just had enough. I throw my phone on the floor beside my bed and close my eyes. I’m going to Italy. I just need to figure out how to get my boys together to talk to them about it.
I sleep like crap all night. Between my worry about how my boys will take me going to Italy and if Saint will even care when I tell him I’m leaving, my brain just won’t turn off. I’m sure the boys will be okay with it, but the idea of leaving them is killing me. Saint on the other hand, I think I’m afraid to tell because I’m terrified he won’t care. He’s obviously still pissed at me.
The next morning, I wake late because I didn’t actually really fall asleep until the sun was almost up. I do some laundry and catch up on some housework that hasn’t been done in a few days.
I’m sitting on the balcony with a small glass of red wine when Cord comes over in the early afternoon. To say I’m shocked is an understatement, especially since I’m on the balcony and he came into my apartment without me letting him in.
“Should you be drinking wine while taking that medicine?” he asks sternly, unease thick in his voice.
“Doesn’t matter,” I throw his words back at him. “I needed this today.”
His posture stiffens immediately and he goes on the offensive. “What’s wrong? What happened?” he asks quickly.
“Stop. I just wanted to talk to you real quick if you have a second,” I say firmly.
He takes a deep breath, leans his head back, and growls, “I’m here, right? Let’s hear it.”
I lift the letter up for him to take and watch his face as he begins to read it. He reads the whole thing, not once showing any emotion. When he’s done reading it, he places it on the table between us but doesn’t say anything.
“I need to know what you’re thinking,” I request calmly.
He holds up his finger and goes inside, coming back a few minutes later with a glass of wine. At least he didn’t just walk out; that’s a good sign.
“Are . . . are you going?” he stammers.
“I don’t know. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
Cord stands and sets his wine glass down before taking my wine glass and setting it down on top of the letter on the table. Grabbing my hand, he pulls me up gently.
“You up for a walk, E?”
I nod in response.
“Go put on some good shoes. We need a good nature walk.”
He grabs a couple of bottles of water and meets me at the front door. We walk hand in hand to the trailhead, neither of us speaking for a long while. We take it slow, avoiding any of the paths that are too steep. It’s leisurely and I’m enjoying the late afternoon chill.
When we reach the field of wildflowers, he stops and looks out at the scenery. Standing behind him, watching his shoulders slump, I know he’s fighting with himself on how to handle this news. I feel the exhaustion setting in. I step around Cord and walk out into the field. Then lying down on my back, I stare up at the afternoon sky, transfixed by its beauty.
I care a great deal about Cord, but he’s pissed at me, and like Eli said earlier, my whole life I’ve spent taking care of other people and their happiness, and now it’s my time to make myself happy. It’s my time to do something I love and makes me happy, without that happiness being attached to anyone else. If I chose to go to Italy, it will be 100 percent for me. Although it feels selfish, it’s also liberating to know I’ve worked hard for this, I deserve it, and there is nothing holding me back. I deserve to do something for myself.
I’m so exhausted that I can’t imagine getting off my wildflower bed. I lay still for what seems like too long before I feel Cord lay down beside me.
He laces his fingers through mine and squeezes it tight. “You should go, Ellie. You should do this for you. Although I’m still mad at you for what happened yesterday, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you, and maybe it will give you the closure you need.”
I feel the tears threatening, but I don’t hold them back; I let them spill down the sides of my face. This man, who has only known me for a few short months, knows I need this trip. He can tell how important it is to me and he is willing to give me up for my own selfish happiness.
I squeeze his hand in response, letting the tears flow freely. I think this moment is the exact moment I realize I am falling in love with Cord.
I’M NOT SURE HOW much times passes before I feel arms lifting me from the ground and carrying me, cradled like a small child. I’m so truly exhausted that I can’t even bring myself to argue with him. We have to be at least a mile from the apartment, but I know Cord won’t allow me to walk, even if I could pry my eyes open.
When I wake again, I’m lying in bed. How Cord carried me all the way back to the apartments is beyond me. When I roll over, I’m surprised to see Cord’s beautiful face lying next to me.
He’s is so relaxed and gorgeous. I gently touch his cheek, cupping my hand against it. He stirs for a moment, a small smile playing on his lips, before he pulls my hands to his lips and mumbles words that make my heart stop.
“I love you, Mal.”
FEELING THE WARMTH of his body against mine keeps me from opening my eyes. I don’t want this to end, but I know in the back of my mind that today will probably be our only time together like this.
After hearing Cord utter those words last night, it wasn’t hard for me to make the decision to accept the internship in Italy. He isn’t ready, and I don’t deserve second best. He had been pissed at me for not being over what Justin did to me, but at the same time, he obviously hasn’t let Maloree go. I gently pry his arm from around my waist, but freeze when he starts to stir. I need him to sleep a little bit longer so I have a moment to myself before I have to face him.
When his breathing evens out once again, I slowly drag my body from bed and head for the bathroom. A long hot shower will probably help my sore muscles.
The hike last night exhausted me more than I ever expected, but I remember the moment in our field of wildflowers, when he t
old me I should go. He’s right, and I will.
I let the hot water beat down on me for longer than I’d planned, accepting the pain from the road rash as the water hits it. When I step back into my room, I see my bed is empty. My heart drops a little at his absence, but I know I have no reason to hold on to him. Apparently, neither of us is ready.
I dress quickly and head for the living room. There is a note on the kitchen bar.
Had to go to the restaurant for an emergency. Call you later.
He ran. Somehow, I knew he would.
I go out onto the balcony where I left the letter. I bring the wine glasses inside and place them in the sink. I’ll worry about dishes later.
Before I can change my mind, I call the phone number on the letter and accept the invitation. My body and mind go numb as the man gives me directions on how to find a place to reside, setting up transportation, and when I am expected to be where. I’m thankful when he informs me that an email will be sent with all the major details. I hadn’t comprehended most of what he’d said.
After a small bowl of fruit and a cup of peppermint tea for breakfast, I send a text to Ben and Eli asking them to come over for dinner tonight and text Destry saying we’ll video chat him in on the conversation this evening. No sense in putting it off.
They all agree to 6 p.m. I throw my hair into a bun and text Claire saying she must come over for lunch because I have something important to talk to her about. She shows up at my place an hour later like I figured she would.
“WHAT’S GOING ON, CHICA? How are you feeling?” Claire asks sweetly.
“Other than being sore, I’m feeling great,” I take a deep breath before I hand her the letter.
She reads over it, her eyes welling with tears.
“Are you moving to Italy?” she chokes out.
“Not moving, but yes, I’m going to Italy. I accepted the position this morning.”
She wraps her arms around me, pulling me to her gently. “I can’t believe you’re actually leaving!”
“I’m not leaving for good, Claire. I’m doing an internship, and then I’ll be back,” I tell her, my voice unsure. Truthfully, I don’t know when I’ll be back. I can feel it deep down in my soul that I need this trip. I need the disconnect; the time to heal my heart, both physically and emotionally, from both Justin and Saint.
“Well, I’m damn proud of you, girl. That’s a big decision to make. What do the boys think? Have you told Justin? How’s Cord taking the news?” she fires questions at me.
I laugh at her excitement. “Slow down. Eli knows and supports it, but I haven’t told Destry and Ben yet. I’ll discuss it with them tonight at dinner. I’m not telling Justin because it’s none of his business, and Cord told me last night he thinks I should go.”
The look on her face tells me she’s not so sure she believes that Cord thinks I should go.
“Have you slept with him yet?”
“A couple of times actually,” I grumble, “but if you’re asking if we’ve had sex, then the answer is no. Now that I know I’m leaving, sex is not an option.”
“And why the hell not?” she gripes.
“Because, Claire! To me, sex is the most intimate connection with someone you are in a relationship with, someone you love. I know that’s old-fashioned and not everyone feels that way, but I do! Am I crazy attracted to Cord? Abso-freakin-lutely, but with me leaving, having sex with Cord will just make me miss him that much more because it will connect us more than we are already connected,” I shriek.
I watch as understanding crosses her face. “You love him.”
“No, I care about him deeply though, and I know, if I sleep with him, that will be me giving him my heart, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Plus, I know he’s not ready to give me the kind of love I deserve,” I wail.
“What does that mean, Ellie? How do you know how he feels? Did he tell you he’s not ready?” she booms.
“Yes, he did as a matter of fact!” I scream back. “When he pulled me close to him in my bed this morning and whispered to his dead wife that he loves her.”
Claire’s eyes immediately go wide and she whispers, “Oh shit.”
“Yeah, so no, I won’t be sleeping with him,” I hiss.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. I didn’t know,” she retorts.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I would really like your blessing on this journey I’m going to start. I need to know you’re behind me and will talk to me when I call you at weird hours to chat about my day,” I tell her honestly.
“I’m 100 percent behind you, sweets. You deserve this trip, and I promise I won’t yell at you when you call me at three in the morning to chat,” she jokes. I know she would totally yell at me because Claire is not a morning person.
She pulls me to her and hugs me tight. “I’m going to miss you big time, girl.”
“I have two weeks before I have to leave. We’ve got some planning to do.” I squeeze her back and then pull away. I don’t want to get any sappier than we’ve already gotten. I’m not leaving tomorrow. Two more weeks.
“Now, you get back to work. I’ve got stuff to do today. I need to go to Saint and speak to Angelica about resigning my position. I need to get groceries to make dinner for my boys tonight so I can tell them I accepted the internship, and I need to tell Cord I’m leaving and don’t expect him to wait for me,” I list off all those things like they’re not huge deals.
“Go easy on Cord. He cares for you a great deal, Ellie,” she argues.
“He’ll be just fine.”
She nods, hugs me once more, and then is out the door like a flash.
AFTER I QUICKLY SHOWER and get ready for my day, I head to Saint to talk to Angelica.
When I pull into the parking lot, the first thing I notice is that none of Cord’s vehicles are here. So either the emergency got taken care of fairly quickly or he lied. I’d planned to tell him first, but since he’s not here, I guess I’ll just go ahead and tell Angelica now.
When I make it back to Angelica’s office, the door is shut. I knock gently and turn the handle to enter, but stop when I hear Bishop’s voice.
“I don’t care what he said, Angelica. He is going to be devastated when she leaves,” Bishop shouts.
“I know that as well as you do, but you know he won’t ask her to stay,” Angelica tells him gently.
“Cord said he needs to let her go. That she needs this time to heal from all she’s been through,” Bishop replies much softer. “But what about what he’s been through? It’s obvious when he looks at her that he’s falling hard for her, and if she goes, I’m afraid he’ll fall back into the depressed asshole he was after Mal died.”
I hear Angelica walking, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor, but they sound like they’re getting further away rather than closer.
“Where did he go anyway? I saw him leaving the parking lot a little while ago.”
“He said he needed time to think and was going to head up to his new place,” Angelica tells him.
I figure that’s my cue to interrupt them and give them my news. I know Cord is going to be upset I am leaving, but whether he’ll ever admit it or not, he is not ready.
He has not let go of Maloree, and I can’t compete with that.
I gently push the door open and walk inside, closing the door behind me. They both look up at me nervously and Angelica takes a step toward me, but I hold my hand up to stop her.
“I know Cord told you guys already that I’m considering taking a position in Italy, and I know you guys are concerned for Cord’s reaction when I go. I’m not making this decision lightly. My entire life is here, including my children, but for once in my life, I’m making a decision for my own happiness. I care for Cord deeply, and I can only pray he will continue to be my friend while I’m away, but I can’t and won’t ask him to wait. You both know as well as I do that he has not let go of Maloree, and I deserve better than second best,” I croak.
“I think y
ou’re wrong about that. He let her go a long time ago. He’s just scared and doesn’t know how to handle the feelings he has for you. He’s falling in love with you, Ellie, and it’s been a long time since he’s opened his heart to someone else,” Angelica stammers.
I see tears rolling down her face, and Bishop rushes to her side, pulling her into him and hugging her tightly.
“I need for you guys to understand this decision was extremely hard for me too, and I’m not making it to hurt Cord in any way,” I plead. “In the short amount of time Cord and I have known each other, he has become one of my best friends. I feel myself falling in love with him and I don’t know if that’s right for either of us since we’re still learning to let go of our pasts.”
Bishop lets go of Angelica and walks to me quickly. When he’s only a step away, he stops and grabs my hands.
“Listen to me, Ellie. Yes, Cord was devastated when Mal died, but their relationship was basically nonexistent by then. They were two broken people, married and living in the same house, but had never lived as husband and wife. I’m sure he didn’t tell you that because he didn’t want you to think he didn’t love her, because he loved her greatly. She was broken, Ellie. What those boys did to her destroyed the person she was, and we never got her back. Cord believed in his heart he could fix her, but Sami and I knew different. It had been years and she was still not willing to let it go. Therapy didn’t help. Cord’s love didn’t help. Sami’s friendship didn’t help. Sami had been through the same thing she had, but Sami wanted to be better, to get better. Mal couldn’t let it go and couldn’t move on from it,” Bishop confesses.
I can feel the tears sliding down my face, but the pain I see in Bishop’s eyes destroys me. Angelica walks up beside me and she places her hand on my shoulder.
Defining Moments Page 18
