“Yes.”
“Are you here of your own accord.”
No, I’m not, I want to say but don’t. My sock needs adjusting, so that’s what I do now. Again with the pull, push and straightening. Again, I avoid eye contact.
“Yes, I am,” I lie. As much as I don’t want to be here and would prefer to do this on base with people I trust… trusted I’m here because this is what Lois says needs to happen. She says Ryley needs this, and I know she was here earlier today. Other than that, I have no idea what happened. I haven’t seen her for a week, again per Lois’ instructions and not since I showed up on our… her front porch with my bag sitting at my feet and my hat cuffed under my arm.
“How would you like to start?”
I shrug, not knowing how these types of meetings are supposed to go. I was just told to show up, to be here on time and to try. So far I’ve accomplished two of the three, but I’m not sure how I’m going to try when I have no idea how everything became so messed up to begin with.
“Would you like to talk about Ryley?”
I shrug again. I want to talk to Ryley, period, but she won’t return my phone calls. “She’s my favorite subject,” I say before I know the words are coming out of my mouth.
The therapist takes off her glasses and sets them down on her desk before folding her hands. I glance at her briefly and see that she’s smiling gently at me. I hope that’s a good sign, that it means everything with Ryley went smoothly. I hate that she was here earlier, and I couldn’t be. I wanted us to do this together but was advised against it. My life is all about advisement these days. Everyone and their grandmother has advice for me. Everyone knows what’s best, but none of them know shit.
Six years ago, I left home on a mission. I was told it’d be easy, in and out. There was nothing easy about what we were doing and why it took so long. Communication breakdowns, wrong Intel. It didn’t matter because once we were airborne we were targets, and nothing was going to save us.
She clears her throat getting me to look at her again. I know she’s waiting for me to elaborate, but I can’t. Talking about Ryley hurts me physically. I’ve missed her so much over the years that when I imagined our homecoming, it was something out of those ridiculous fairytale romances she was always telling me about. My mind pictured her dropping whatever was in her hands, as they would cover her mouth in shock. Her eyes would fill with unshed tears and she’d run to me, leaping into my arms. I’d spin her around a few times before setting her back on the ground where I’d cup her face in my hands and kiss her until we could no longer breathe.
That didn’t happen, except for the shocked face and tears. My reunion was nothing like you read about or see on television, the exact opposite, actually. I didn’t see happiness in her face; I saw anger and hurt. I had hurt her and didn’t know how. The only way to fix it sits in front of me, waiting for me to answer all her questions.
“Why are you here today, Evan?”
I drop my leg and rub the spot where my ankle was resting. I adjust myself in the uncomfortable chair and clear my throat as my hands rub down my legs, wiping away the sweat on my palms.
“Six years ago, the love of my life told me we were having a baby. I asked her to marry me and left a few days later on what was supposed to be an easy mission. Each mission is different. We know this going in, but this is our job. It’s what we do, and we do it proudly. I was told that I’d be home for the birth of the baby. They’d make sure of it. From prior experience, I knew they’d keep their word.”
Except someone didn’t.
“You’ve been gone a long time, Evan.”
I lean forward to relieve some of the ache in my back. “We never know how long we’re going to be gone. Ideally, you get in, get the job done and get out. It was only supposed to be for a few months. I was trying to keep track of Ryley’s due date and when it got close, my R & R was nowhere to be seen. My commander said it was coming and before I knew it, those months turned into a year and that year turned into six. Every time I’d check in, I was told they were working on an immediate extraction of just me so I could get home to meet my son, but it never came. They assured me that my brother knew everything.”
“But he didn’t?”
I sit back harder than I intend to and my muscles flinch. I shake my head. “I don’t know. I don’t know who to trust. The men that promised to protect me say yes, but the man who shares my DNA, who was supposed to protect what’s mine, is on his own mission and I can’t ask him. I can’t confront him and demand that he tell me everything.”
“Do you think the Navy could be wrong?”
“I don’t know what to think. I went to do my job and when I came home expecting my family to be waiting for me, I was met with my fiancée wearing another man’s ring, a ring that belongs to my twin brother.”
“I’m going to ask you again, Evan, why are you here?”
This time I don’t hesitate. “I want to know how I get my girl back. I miss Ryley like crazy, and I want to know my son.”
THE THERAPIST STANDS AND walks over to her water dispenser. My eyes are trained on her every movement and I don’t know why. Do I find her fascinating, or is my mind looking for an escape route? Unfortunately for me, on the other side of the door is a brick wall known as Lois Parker, waiting to stop me.
“You can’t run,” Lois reminded me last night. She stood in front of my door, blocking my exit. We were both crying, our tears meaning something different. My bags were packed and waiting by the door. I was going to leave. That was my answer – to be far away from the place that caused me nothing but pain. It didn’t matter that I have no place to go, or that I’d be ripping my son away from his family. In my mind, running is the easiest answer.
She walks over to me with a glass of water, holding out her hand but keeping her distance. I suppose this is how a therapist stays detached though, isn’t it? I couldn’t do a job like this. I’d become emotionally invested with each person. I’d want to hold and coddle them and tell them that yes, everything will be okay, but it never is. Yes, I’d be a liar.
“How did you meet Evan?” she asks after taking a drink from her glass before sitting back down in her chair.
I can’t help but smile. It was a moment that changed my life. “I was sixteen and had just moved to Bremerton, Washington. My mom, she’s a Navy JAG lawyer, and she had a transfer to the Navy base there. The movers were unloading our truck, and I was in the way, so my dad told me to explore. This was the first time we weren’t going to live on base, so I was a little hesitant to just walk around, but I did as my dad suggested. I don’t think I was two blocks away from my house when I was pegged in the head by a football.”
“A football?” the therapist clarifies.
I nod. “I was walking by a park. It was busy. There were kids swinging and people playing in the pool. I had stopped to look. I was going to go home and ask my dad if I could go swimming, but just as I turned, bam! I was tossed back onto my butt. A boy came running over – he didn’t even look for cars when he crossed the street. He kneeled down in front of me, and his eyes – God they were so full of life – they examined me. He pulled my hand away from my head without saying a word. I knew he felt bad. His shoulders slumped forward, and he started rubbing the back of his neck. His friends were yelling at him to throw the ball back. They were more concerned with finishing their game. They didn’t care that I was dying.” He stood, and I thought “‘Ryley, say something you idiot. Here’s your chance to finally speak to a hottie,’” but my mouth just moved up and down like I was a goldfish begging for water. He threw the ball back but didn’t leave. He kneeled down in front of me again and said, “‘Shit, babe, I’ve gone and messed up your pretty face.’” I was so taken because he called me pretty that I didn’t care what I looked like at that moment.
“He helped me to my feet and didn’t let go of my hand. I can still see us standing there, on the sidewalk in early September hand in hand, Evan looking down at me. It was a
picture-perfect moment that I wish I could go back and capture. I think that’s the day I fell in love with Evan Archer even though I didn’t know him.
“He was the first boy to seriously hold my hand. His fingers slid in between mine and he squeezed them just enough to send chills up my arm. My heart was beating so fast I thought for sure I was going to have a heart attack right there on the sidewalk. He tugged me toward him and cocked his head to the side. It was his way of asking me to come with him and at that point, I’d follow him anywhere he’d ask. Evan walked us across the street and back to the football game. I knew my palm was sweating but there was no way I was letting go of his hand. This moment was all my favorite romance stories coming to life. I was one of the characters off the pages experiencing love at first sight and there was no way I was going to turn away.
“When he looked at me and said, “‘Everyone, this is…’” I thought ‘wow’ my own Prince Charming. I don’t know if he didn’t finish his sentence because he didn’t know my name or if it was because of the way I was staring at him while he smiled at me. And not just any smile, but the kind that makes your knees weak. The one that makes you forget that you’re an educated human being, and even though your mind is yelling at you to scream out your name, you can’t because you don’t remember it. You can’t because you’re lost in the ocean-blue eyes of the guy holding your hand.”
My jaw starts to lock up, the sure sign that tears are on the way. These are happy memories but swallowed up by sad tears. I bring my glass to my lips and drink in an attempt to ward off the impending outbursts. The glass is half empty when I’m done. I’m not a half full type of gal anymore. I take a deep breath and continue.
“‘What’s your name, babe?’” He called me babe from the moment he met me. I had never had a nickname before other than Ry, and I didn’t care what he called me as long as he kept talking. By the gleam in his eyes, he knew that he could call me whatever he wanted, and I’d be okay with it. He also knew, without a doubt, that I was his.
“‘Ryley Clarke,’” I told him proudly and with a smile. He never took his eyes off of me to repeat my name either. It was like we were destined to meet even if it meant him causing me bodily harm.
“‘Ryley, I like that name. I’m Evan Archer. These are my friends.’” He pointed to a group of guys all about the same age as Evan. Even though half were shirtless, dirty with grass stains and mud, I could only focus on them briefly before turning my gaze back to Evan. He had my sixteen-year-old self-mesmerized just by calling me babe and at that moment, it was enough for me.
“He spread his sweatshirt out on the ground and offered me a place to sit. He asked me to stay and watch the game because he wanted to talk to me some more, but needed to finish playing. I sat there with my legs pulled to my chest, fascinated. It didn’t matter – at least not to me – that I was supposed to be exploring. I was content, happy.
“I watched as he ran down the makeshift football field and scored. He had a touchdown dance that made me laugh. After each one, he’d run by me and wink. I didn’t know what I was getting into that day, but I still wouldn’t trade it for anything.
“When he was done playing he sat down beside me, and we waited for his friends to leave, and all but one left. “‘This is my brother, Nate.’” There were two of them, each one as cute as the other. Nate shook my hand. “‘I’m sorry my dumbass brother hit you in the face.’” Before I could respond, Evan whispered, “‘I’m not.’”
“I desperately wanted Evan to walk me home, just like in the movies, but I knew he couldn’t. My dad would’ve flipped out, and I really wanted to see Evan again. He wrote his number on my hand and begged me not to wash it off. There was no way I was going to. I held my hand away from my body, not wanting to smear his handwriting as I rushed home. I tore through my house, running up the stairs to my room to find a piece of paper. My room was still in boxes, and my hand started to sweat. I started to panic. I was so afraid I’d lose his number. I tore through two or three boxes, I don’t remember how many, until I found a piece of paper and pressed my hand down to transfer his number. That was something I had thought romantic.”
I pull at my bottom lip, remembering that day clearly. My heart had never beaten so fast before. A soft smile forms against my will as the image of an old piece of paper tucked in the corner of my dresser comes to mind.
“Funny thing, I still have that paper tucked in my dresser drawer.”
THE THERAPIST STANDS AND walks over to her window to close the blinds. “Is that better?”
I nod, not realizing the sun was shining on my face until she pulled the string. I attempt to relax, but the truth is I’m on edge. I don’t see how she’s going to fix anything today, tomorrow or even next month.
“The late afternoon sun can be blinding.”
“Why not change around your office?”
Her eyes wander as if she’s considering my suggestion. I know she’s not though. You can tell by the faded carpet my feet rest on that the furniture hasn’t moved probably since the doors opened. If I didn’t know better, I’d say her lifestyle is a lot like mine – stationary and afraid of change. Ryley is the exact opposite. Every time I visited her dorm room, it was different from the last time. Her and her roommate’s beds would be swapped around and there’d be new posters or other decorations hanging on the walls. I once told her that one night I was going to sneak in and end up in the wrong bed. I laughed but she didn’t think it was that funny.
“I’m not a fan of change,” she says, confirming my assumption.
“Yeah, me neither.”
“I find that surprising since you’re in the military.”
I set my arms on the arm rest and lean slightly forward. “Being in the military doesn’t eliminate my aversion to change. When I was growing up, my father was adamant that everything stayed the same. Our couch was always in the same location and was only moved so we could clean underneath it, and even then it was set back down in the same exact location. Not an inch off in either direction. When I came home on leave the first time, I went to throw my bag – like I had done many times – onto the couch only for it to land on the newly purchased coffee table that shattered into pieces. My mom was pissed, but I told her that the couch hadn’t moved in eighteen years so how did I know?”
“A lot has changed for you over the past few years though?”
I sit back and nod. “Not by choice.”
“Surely some of it was by choice. You entered the service under your own free will, did you not?”
“I did. I also chose my field, but I didn’t choose to be gone so long or miss the birth of my son. Those weren’t choices I made. They were done for me. I’m not choosing to sit here, but I’m here for Ryley and I’ll do anything for her.” I have to look away. I don’t want her to see the pain and anger in my eyes. For years, I’ve fought to get back here and each and every time we thought we were close. Each and every time we thought a unit would be waiting for us. They weren’t.
“Do you have trust issues, Evan?”
“Yes and no,” I mumble.
“Care to expand?”
Not really, but I know I have to. “I shouldn’t trust the Navy, but I do. I don’t know what to think and Nate’s on a mission, so it’s not like I can sit down and ask him.” I shrug. “I’m not even sure he’ll tell me the truth. He took my girl when he was supposed to be keeping me alive in her heart. It’s the Navy that has protected me for years, yet kept me away from my life. They kept me alive so I could return home, but part of me wonders why it took so long and how much Nate really knew.”
“Why do you think Nate’s lying?”
The thought of Nate and Ryley together turns my blood cold. I want to kill him. If he was in my unit, he’d be dead for touching something that doesn’t belong to him. I stand abruptly, knocking over the chair, and start to pace. My hands rub roughly over my face, and I let out a growl of frustration.
“Evan?”
I shake my head
to let her know I’m not ready. I lean my head against the wall and try to think about anything other than Ry and Nate together, but I can’t. Since I came home, they’re all I see. I want to forget he’s my brother and destroy him, but knowing my mom has lost so much holds me back. He and I will never be brothers again though, that’s for sure. I’ll never be able to forget what he’s done.
“He’s always liked her,” I say quietly.
“How does that make you feel?”
I close my eyes and picture him watching her while she sat on our couch, waiting for me to come home. He was so enthralled with her he didn’t even hear me come in.
“There was this time I walked into the family room. They hadn’t heard me come in so I took a moment to just watch, observe. I stood in the doorway with my eyes on Ryley. She was sitting cross-legged with her book in her lap. She was always doing homework and that benefited me because she’d make sure I did mine too. When we started dating, my grades went up. I didn’t care that she was smarter than me. She was the beauty, and I was the brawn; it made us work. Standing there, watching her, I was jealous of the pen that she held in her mouth while reading her book.
“When I looked to my left, there was Nate sitting in our dad’s chair. He had an open book in his lap, but his eyes weren’t focused on his reading material. They were on Ryley. I knew that look – I got it every time I stared at her – but I didn’t like seeing it on his face.” I shake my head remembering the look on his face when I caught him. “I cleared my throat and he jumped. Only guilty people jump. He knew I had caught him gawking at my girl.”
I turn and face her. She looks poised and ready for whatever I’m about to throw at her. “I never doubted Ryley’s love for me when we were younger. Hell, not even while I was away. I trusted her. That was the one thing I could take with me when I deployed. She loved me, supported me, and I knew she’d be waiting for me when I stepped off that plane to come home. When Nate was home I knew they spent time together, but now I question everything. What were they doing? How long has this been going on? I leave and come back to nothing. My life – the one I was counting on being there waiting for me with open arms – is in the arms of my brother. The one man I was relying on has taken my family away from me. He was supposed to protect what’s mine, not covet it. I never thought in a million years he’d make a move on Ryley.”
Here With Me (The Archer Brothers #1) Page 2
