“When did Evan first leave you?”
“It was the beginning of my junior year in college when he called and said he was leaving. I knew the day was coming, but never thought I’d actually hear him say those words.
“‘Hi, babe.’”
“‘Hi.’”
“‘I have to leave for a little bit.’”
“‘Where?’”
“‘Oh, you know, Ry. I’m going to go protect our country, but don’t worry though. I’ll be back.’”
“The next day, I went to the base and filled out some paperwork. The secretary said I was lucky because most of the single men leave everything to their moms and that he must really love me. I told her I didn’t want the money just him. The one thing I wouldn’t get was his death benefit; that was strictly next of kin, and until we were married that wasn’t me.
“I didn’t even want the life insurance, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Anyway, we had a week until he left, and I was a mess, but not in front of him. I’d break down in the bathroom or in between classes. It was weird because I didn’t see him every day, but knowing he was an hour away made things a little easier for me. Knowing that I’d see him on the weekends was like my reward for doing well in school.
“So with a deadline looming, I was a wreck. All I could think about is what if he doesn’t come home or what if he comes home and doesn’t want me anymore? So many thoughts were running through my mind, but I couldn’t share them with him. I couldn’t put him under that stress. I needed him to leave with a clear head and with the knowledge that I loved him more than anything.
“I hid a lot of my fears from him for years. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him what I was feeling. I think, sometimes, he thought I knew how to deal with deployment because of my dad, but that was different.”
“What happened the day he left?”
“It was a beautiful day, and I woke up in his arms. He could’ve gotten into trouble, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t the weekend so no visitors were allowed in the barracks, but he was all for breaking the rules that night.”
“‘It’s time for me to go.’”
“‘I know.’”
“His kisses were gentle, not rushed. He was memorizing the way we fit. I started crying against my will. I couldn’t hold my tears back. I didn’t want him to go. I was used to having him on my weekends and now he was going to be gone for who knows how long… a year or longer. I was just so afraid that we wouldn’t be the same when he came back.”
“‘I love you, Ry. I love you so damn much nothing’s going to change that. I’m going to come home to you and get you to walk down the aisle to marry my sorry ass.’”
“‘I love you too, Evan. Please come home to me.’”
“‘I promise.’”
“He promised every time he left, and I believed him.” I wipe away a tear, keeping my eyes on the ground. “I felt fear when he was gone. In the blink of an eye everything changed. Nothing prepares you for them leaving even though you know it’s coming. Phones calls don’t stop until they’re on the plane and you’re left standing there wondering what the hell just happened. Some wives cry hysterically and others – the ones that have done this many times – shed a few tears, round up their children and head back to their homes to start a new routine.
“The wives had each other. I didn’t have anyone. I was going back to school to finish out my year. Evan would miss my summer vacation. We wouldn’t be taking weekend camping trips or going to the beach. I didn’t have Nate, either. He was off doing his own specialized training and that meant I was alone.”
“Did Evan call often?”
I shake my head. “The phone calls were sporadic and sometimes I’d miss them because of class or I’d be asleep from studying. With each missed call, I’d cry for days. I just wanted to hear his voice and hear that he was okay. A voicemail wasn’t enough for me. When we could connect, the calls where short and sometimes hard to hear. I tried not to get angry, but I couldn’t help it. The littlest things were so important and we weren’t getting those.
“I resorted to writing him letters and sending goodie boxes. I’d go to my parents’ on the weekends and make him cookies and buy him necessities. I’d send a box every two weeks, but letters more often. Sometimes the letters were just the words I love you and sometimes it was the essay I had to write for my class. I’d write to him like he was sitting on my bed while I was studying. I sent him pictures of the oddest things, like a random leaf on the ground that fell while I was writing him or something like that. I’d just write so he had words.
“And when letters came in, I didn’t want to read them for fear my tears would wash away his words just like the day he gave me his phone number. I needed to hold onto whatever I could until he came home.”
“Would you say Evan was possessive of you?”
I laugh. “Yes and no. If you think about it, what teenage boy isn’t possessive of what’s theirs? But he wasn’t violent about it. He did assert himself, but others knew we were together.”
“What about other women who were interested in Evan?”
“I had to beat them off with a stick. It was bad. They were everywhere and Nate said it was worse because he had a girlfriend.”
“Evan was popular?”
“Both the twins were, but like I said they were different. Evan was outgoing, the life of the party, and his mother called him a skirt chaser. Nate was more academic and just an overall good guy.”
“How did you feel when you were with Evan?”
“Secure,” I say confidently. Remembering those early days with Evan has helped me keep his memory alive. “Loved. Cherished. I could go on and on.” I stop for a minute and look at the therapist. “I know you’re probably thinking because his mom called him a skirt chaser that he was a cheater or a womanizer, but he wasn’t. Never did I think he was unfaithful to me. He told his dad that once he saw me, no one else existed for him.”
“Don’t you think he was too young to make that declaration?”
I shake my head and look her square in the eyes. “My parents started dating when they were in the seventh grade. They never dated anyone else and entered the service together and are still happily married. I believe you can find your soul mate at any age; it’s the circumstance that brings you together.”
“I commend your parents. It’s unheard of these days. What can you tell me about Evan and Nate’s parents?”
“Um… their dad died a year into the war. The twins enlisted before they graduated and their dad died a year later. It was almost a year to the day from when they signed on the dotted line. They did it because they wanted to follow in their dad’s footsteps and because of the terrorist attacks. They wanted to serve with their dad. The Archers were very closed off about their boys though. Nate told me years ago that their father wanted Evan to go to college, to be something different. Nate had made his declaration of enlisting long before Evan did and when Evan went to the recruiter’s office, they were eager to have both so the recruiter set everything in motion for them to sign on the same day.”
“That’s understandable.”
“It is and it isn’t. Their mom wanted them together, so she was happy. She was always going on about how twins should stick together and that if one was too far, the other would feel the pain. I don’t know, the twins are hard to explain. They can finish each other sentences like an old married couple, but at the same time they can be so distant it’s unnerving. Archie, their dad, always felt that Nate was in Evan’s shadow, and thought this was Nate’s time to shine. Anyway, when their dad died, I thought they’d finish out their two years and come home, but they didn’t. They both had become SEALs and losing their dad only increased their desire to bring down the enemy.”
“How did your parents feel about Evan and you being so close?”
I readjust on the couch, moving to the other side. The cool fabric meets the back of my legs, calming me. “My mom worked a lot more than my dad; h
e was close to retirement so he was home a lot. After we had ice cream, Evan walked me home and introduced himself to my dad. Evan was raised military so he was very polite when he needed to be, and he charmed my dad big time. But I had rules, and they weren’t meant to be broken. For the first month, Evan could come over, but not into the house if neither of my parents were home, so we’d sit on the front porch and drink iced tea. Only when we’d go for a walk or when we’d go to the park, would he sneak kisses. Evan asked my dad if he could take me on a proper date before he asked me. That’s how I knew he was serious about me.”
“So tell me, do you believe in love at first sight?”
“I do… did. After you’ve been through what I have, I think you start being cynical and acting detached. You start asking yourself if you loved enough or what you could’ve done differently. More importantly, you ask yourself if he knew that you loved him more than anything before he died, because you can’t bear the thought of him questioning your love for him when he’s out there risking his life with bullets flying by his head and his friends lying on the ground with blood coming out of places it shouldn’t. I can’t…”
“Do you want to take a break, Ryley? How about we take five then we can continue. You’re doing great and this isn’t about right or wrong answers, this is about finding you.”
I nod and get up to use the bathroom. Of course, it’s attached to her office so there’s no escaping. I close the door and lock it. I’m afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror. The person staring back is not me. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. I never thought in a million years that I’d have to make the decision that I’m making now. My life was planned out, it was perfect. I was going to have my house with a big yard so our dog and son could play happily. I was going to meet Evan at the door every night or at the base when he came home from a mission. Everything was going to be fine.
I splash water on my face and dry my hands before heading back into the room. I look at my watch quickly and surmise that I’ve only been in here for fifteen minutes. It seems like hours, and we’ve only scratched the surface.
I sit back down and cross my legs. I smile softly, letting her know I’m ready.
“Okay let’s try a new topic. You’re engaged now?”
I look down at my ring. In a few short weeks I’m to walk down the aisle with only my family present. Nate’s mom and sister want to have nothing to do with the ceremony. I understand to an extent, but Evan was gone. Am I not allowed to move on? Is Nate not allowed to love me because of who I am?
“That’s why I am here, to see if you can help me sort this mess out, tell me what I should do. Do I marry this man who has been everything to me for the last five years? The man that is the only dad my son – his nephew – knows? Or do I do what is expected, what you see in the movies and go running back into the arms of the man that I love, the man that I was told was dead? That’s why I’m here and why he …” I point to the window where I remember Evan sitting on the other side, waiting for me to make a decision. Everything weighs so heavily on my shoulders. “Evan is out there waiting for me. Waiting for an answer I don’t have. Can you just give me the answer?”
“Life isn’t a movie, Ryley.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “I know it isn’t because if it was, I’d hit rewind and start all over. I’d start by telling Evan…”
“YOU KNOW, EVAN, SOMETIMES talking about what you’ve been through makes the outcome easier to deal with.”
I adjust, stretching my legs out in front me. This is my relaxed posture, even though I feel rigid as hell and extremely uncomfortable. I had wanted to do this on base, but understood Ryley’s reluctance of stepping foot there. The girl I left behind loved the military. She accepted my job into her heart and life with open arms. She encouraged me to be the best, to be better than I thought I could be. Now she wants nothing to do with the Navy, and I can’t really blame her. I want everything to do with her though. Not having her in my life, especially since I didn’t know she was gone from it to begin with, is unacceptable to me.
“Do you have PTSD?”
My head rises sharply as I glare at her. PTSD isn’t something to mess around with and surely if I had it, I wouldn’t be talking to a civilian doctor on how to deal with it. Docs on base are trained to deal with who we are when we come home from war or a conflict. I’m not saying she’s not, but it’s different.
“I wasn’t captured or held hostage. It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like?”
Bringing my legs back up, I lean forward on my knees and clasp my hands together. “Everything I do, everything my unit does, is classified. You get to walk the streets enjoying your freedom because of what we do out there.”
“I’m very appreciative of the freedom your actions and those of the military have afforded me as an American.” She leans forward making sure she has my attention. “I’m not the enemy here, Evan, I’m here to try and help. I’m here to see if I can give you and Ryley some resolution over the situation. I’m not saying I can, but I’m hoping that by the time we’re done here today, you both leave with a path that puts you where you need to be.”
“I doubt it,” I mumble, looking away from her penetrating gaze.
“You can’t fill your mind with doubt, Evan. If you do, it eats at who you are and makes you less of a person. You, Ryley and Nate are in an unfortunate situation, one that can be blamed on a number of people and circumstances.”
“I trusted my brother to keep her safe, not get into her pants.”
The doctor leans back in her chair and shakes her head. I don’t care if she doesn’t agree with me. It’s what happened. It’s how I see things. He knew what I was doing. He had to know we lost communications. It was all written there in my file, and I saw the words written out with my own eyes. Nowhere did it say we were presumed dead. Nowhere did it say we weren’t coming home.
“Someone lied to Ryley and to me. Someone has to pay.”
“What if that someone is the Navy, Evan? Have you stopped to think about that possibility?”
“Why would they do that?” my voice breaks slightly, showing too much emotion for my liking. I readjust, leaning back. My hands grip the arm rests, waiting for her to elaborate on her theory.
“It may not have been intentional. It could’ve been a clerical error. I want you to think about all the options here. Was everyone who was assigned to your mission there when you came back? Did anyone leave for a different post, retirement or not reenlist?”
I don’t want to think she’s right or onto something. We’re all professionals, errors like this don’t happen. A funeral was had, a body flown back. I’m assuming the CACO showed up on my steps with the chaplain behind him to notify Ryley that I had been killed. Did this happen?
She clears her throat, bringing my attention back to her. “I can sense the wheels turning in your head, Evan. You have a lot of unanswered questions that only your commander can answer for you.” The doctor slides a folder over to me, and I watch as it balances on the edge of her desk. I’m almost afraid to pick it up, afraid of the contents inside. Reaching out, I grab the manila folder and open the jacket. Inside is my obituary, along those for my unit members, and other newspaper articles detailing our mission.
“I don’t understand.”
She sighs, and I can see her moving around through my peripheral vision, but I’m focused on the pages in front of me.
“Here,” she says, handing me a cup of water. It’s not in one of her mugs and for that I’m thankful. I gulp it down in one swig and wish that it were something stronger to numb away my thoughts. She pulls the folder from my free hand and walks back to her chair. I want to reach over and snatch it back from her. I wasn’t done looking at the pieces of newspaper that detail my life’s destruction.
“As I said, Evan, not everything is as cut and dry as they’ve made it out to be. You and your unit were hailed local heroes. You were celebrated and honored. Th
e only thing I can make of it is that someone wanted your unit to disappear. I’m not on the inside, Evan, so I don’t know. I can’t even assure you that it wasn’t your brother, but it wasn’t Ryley. It wasn’t her or the community that turned their backs on you and your unit.”
I have to let her words run their course through my mind and eventually into my heart. What if she’s telling the truth? What if this was an inside job that was meant to eliminate our unit? I know I’m not the only one suffering. McCoy came home to find his wife and child gone and hasn’t been able to locate them. I suppose I’m the lucky one. My girl was coming home with a bag of groceries when I surprised her. At least she never left our house.
“Do you know anyone in the military?”
Doc shakes her head slowly.
“Everything I say here stays here, right? You’re not going to report my session to my CO?”
She leans forward, again piercing me with her eyes. “Evan, everything you say here, in this room or outside with me is protected by doctor-patient confidentiality. Even if I’m subpoenaed, I don’t have to answer their questions. We’re protected in here.”
I nod, fully understanding what she’s saying, but I’m not sure if I can bring myself to tell her what happened or how I don’t know how everything went so wrong. The mission was an easy one. In and out. A piece of cake. We called it a snatch and grab and figured we’d be home by dinner, relatively speaking.
“Evan, do you want to tell me what kept you away from home for so long?”
“YOU’D START BY TELLING Evan what, Ryley?”
A lone tear finds its way down my cheek. I swipe at it, afraid that more will follow in its wake. There are so many thoughts filtering through my mind that my words are often spoken before I even realize what I’m saying. This would be one of those instances. I spoke too soon. I allowed my words to trail off and she caught meaning behind them.
Here With Me (The Archer Brothers #1) Page 5
