“Still ...” Julie continued, “that’s a bad way to go. Hacked apart by your own men. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me.”
“You should have fed him to the dragons,” Aahz said bluntly.
“The Brute?” Julie frowned. “Fed to the dragons? Why?”
“Because then he could have been ‘et, too’!”
Apparently this was supposed to be funny, as Aahz erupted into sudden laughter as he frequently does at his own jokes. Tanda rolled her eyes in exasperation.
Big Julie looked vaguely puzzled. He glanced at me, and I shrugged to show I didn’t know what was going on either.
“He’s strange,” Julie announced, stabbing an accusing finger at Aahz. “‘What’s a nice boy like you doing hanging around with strange people? Hey?”
“It’s the war,” I said apologetically. “You know what they say about strange bedfellows.”
“You seem to be doin’ all right for yourself!” Julie winked and leered at Tanda.
“You want I should clean up his act, Boss?” Brockhurst asked grimly, stepping forward.
“See!” Julie exploded. “That’s what I mean. This is no way to learn warfare. Tell you what. Why don’t you let me fix you up with a job, hey? What do you say to that?”
“What pay scale?” Aahz asked.
‘‘Aahz!’’ I scowled, and then turned back to Julie. “Sorry, but we’ve already got a job ... defending Possiltum. I appreciate your offer, but I don’t want to leave a job unfinished.”
“What have I been telling you?” Julie appealed to his officers. ‘‘All the good material has been taken already. Why can’t you bring me recruits like this, eh?”
This was all very flattering, but I clung tenaciously to the purpose of our meeting.
“Um ... Jul ... I mean, Big Julie,” I interrupted. ‘‘About defending Possiltum. Couldn’t you find another kingdom somewhere to attack? We really don’t want to have to fight you.”
“You don’t want to fight?” Julie erupted sarcastically. “You think I want to fight? You think I like doing this for a living? You think my boys like killing and conquering all the time?”
“Well ...” I began tactfully.
Big Julie wasn’t listening. He was out of his seat and pacing up and down, gesturing violently to emphasize his words.
“What kind of dingbat wants to fight?” he asked rhetorically. “Do I look crazy? Do my boys look crazy? Everybody thinks we got some kind of weird drive that keeps us going. They think that all we want to do in the whole world is march around in sweaty armor and sharpen swords on other people’s helmets. That’s what you think too, isn’t it? Eh? Isn’t it?”
This last was shouted directly at me. By now I was pretty fed up with being shouted at.
“Yes!” I roared angrily. “That’s what I think!”
“Well,” Julie scowled. “You’re wrong because—”
“That’s what I think because if you didn’t like doing it, you wouldn’t do it!” I continued rising to my own feet.
“Just like that!” Julie grimaced sarcastically. “Just stop and walk away.”
He turned and addressed his officers.
“He thinks it’s easy! Do you hear that? Any of you who don’t like to fight, just stop. Eh? Just like that.”
A low chorus of chuckles rose from his assembled men. Despite my earlier burst of anger, I found myself starting to believe him. Incredible as it seemed, Julie and his men didn’t like being soldiers!
“You think we wouldn’t quit if we could?” Julie was saying to me again. “I bet there isn’t a man in my whole army who wouldn’t take a walk if he thought he could get away with it.”
Again, there was a murmur of assent from his officers.
“I don’t understand,” I said shaking my head. “If you don’t want to fight, and we don’t want to fight, what are we doing here?”
“You ever hear of loan sharks?” Julie asked. “You know about organized crime?”
“Organized crime?” I blinked.
“It’s like government, kid,” Aahz supplied. “Only more effective.”
“You’d better believe ‘more effective,’” Julie nodded. “That’s what we’re doing here! Me and the boys, we got a list of gambling debts like you wouldn’t believe. We’re kinda working it off, paying ‘em back in land, you know what I mean?”
“You haven’t answered my question,” I pointed out. “Why don’t you just quit?”
“Quit?” Julie seemed genuinely astonished. “You gotta be kidding. If I quit before I’m paid up, they break my leg. You know?” His wolfish grin left no doubt that the thugs in question would do something a great deal more fatal and painful than just breaking a leg.
“It’s the same with the boys here. Right boys?” He indicated his officers with a wave of his hand.
Vigorous nods answered his wave.
‘‘And you ought to see the collection agent they use. Kid, you might be a fair magician where you come from. But,” he shuddered, “this, believe me, you don’t want to see.”
Knowing how tough Big Julie was, I believed him.
Giving me a warm smile, he draped his arm across my shoulders.
“That’s why it’s really gonna break my heart to kill you. Ya know?”
“Well,” I began, “you don’t have to ... KILL ME!”
“That’s right,” he nodded vigorously. “I knew you’d understand. A job’s a job, even when you hate it.”
“Whoa!” Aahz interrupted, holding one flattened hand across the top of the other to form a crude T. “Hold it! Aren’t you overlooking something, Jules?”
“That’s ‘Big Julie’.” one of the guards admonished.
“I don’t care if he calls himself the Easter Bunny!” my mentor snarled. “He’s still overlooking something.”
“What’s that?” Julie asked.
“Us.” Aahz smiled, gesturing to the team. ‘‘Aside from the minor detail that Skeeve here’s a magician and not that easy to kill, he’s got friends. What do you think we’ll be doing while you make a try for our leader?”
The whole team edged forward a little. None of them were smiling, not even Gus. Even though they were my friends who I knew and loved, I had to admit they looked mean. I was suddenly very glad they were on my side.
Big Julie, on the other hand, seemed unimpressed.
‘‘As a matter of fact,” he smiled, “I expect you to be dying right along with your leader. That is, unless you’re really good at running.”
“Running from what?” Gus growled. “I still think you’re overlooking something. By my count, we’ve got you outnumbered. Even if you were armed ...”
The Supreme Commander cut him short with a laugh. It was a relaxed, confident laugh which no one else joined in on. Then the laugh disappeared and he leaned forward with a fierce scowl.
“Now, I only gonna say this once, so alla you listen close. Big Julie didn’t get where he is today by overlooking nothin’. You think I’m outnumbered? Well, maybe you just better count again.”
Without taking his eyes from us, he waved his hand in an abrupt motion. At the signal, one of his guards pulled a cord and the sides of the tent fell away.
There were soldiers outside. They hadn’t been there when we entered the tent, but they were there now. Hoo boy were they. Ranks and ranks of them, completely surrounding the tent, the nearest barely an arm’s length away. The front three rows were archers, with arrows nocked and drawn, leveled at our team.
I realized with a sudden calm clarity that I was about to die. The whole meeting had been a trap, and it was a good one. Good enough that we would all be dead if we so much as twitched. I couldn’t even kid myself that I could stop that many arrows if they were all loosed at once. Gus might survive the barrage, and maybe the others could blip away to another dimension in time to save the
mselves, but I was too far away from Aahz and the D-Hopper to escape.
“I ... um ... thought war councils were supposed to be off- limits for combat.” I said carefully.
“I also didn’t get where I am today by playing fair.” Big Julie shrugged.
“You know,” Aahz drawled, “for a guy who doesn’t want to fight, you run a pretty nasty war.”
“What can I say?” the Supreme Commander asked, spreading his hands in helpless appeal. “It’s a job. Believe me, if there was any other way, I’d take it. But as it is ...”
His voice trailed off, and he began to raise his arm. I realized with horror that when his hand came down, so would the curtain.
“How much time do we have to find another way?” I asked desperately.
“You don’t,” Big Julie sighed.
‘‘AND WE DON’T NEED ANY!” Aahz roared with sudden glee.
All eyes turned toward him, including my own. He was grinning broadly while listening to something the Gremlin was whispering in his ear.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” the Supreme Commander demanded. ‘‘And where did this little blue fella come from? Eh?”
He glared at the encircling troops, who looked at each other in embarrassed confusion.
“This is a Gremlin.” Aahz informed him, slipping a comradely arm around the shoulders of his confidante, “And I think he’s got the answer to our problems. All our problems. You know what I mean?”
“What does he mean?” Julie scowled at me. “Do you unnerstand what he’s sayin’?”
“Tell him, Aahz.” I ordered confidently, wondering all the while what possible solution my mentor could have found to this mess.
“Big Julie,” Aahz smiled, “what could those loan sharks of yours do if you and your army simply disappeared?”
And so incredibly, it was ended.
Not with fireworks or an explosion or a battle. But, like a lot of things in my life, in as crazy and off-hand a way as it had started.
And when it had ended, I almost wished it hadn’t.
Because then I had to say good-bye to the team.
Saying good-bye to the team was harder than I would have imagined. Somehow, in all my planning, I had never stopped to consider the possibility of emerging victorious from the war.
Despite my original worries about the team, I found I had grown quite close to each of them. I would have liked to keep them around a little longer, but that would have been impossible. Our next stop was the capital, and they would be a little too much to explain away.
Besides, as Aahz pointed out, it was bad for morale to let the troops find out how much their commander was being paid, particularly when it was extremely disproportionate to their own wages.
Following his advice, I paid each of them personally. When I was done, however, I found myself strangely at a loss for words. Once again, the team came to my aid.
“Well, boss,” Brockhurst sighed. “I guess this is it. Thanks for everything.”
“It’s been a real pleasure working for you,” Gus echoed. “The money’s nice, but the way I figure it, Berfert and l owe you a little extra for getting us out of that slop chute. Anytime you need a favor, look us up.”
“Youngster,” Ajax said, clearing his throat. “I move around a lot, so I’m not that easy to track. If you ever find yourself in a spot where you think I can lend a hand, jes’ send a message to the Bazaar and I’ll be along shortly.”
“I didn’t think you visited the Bazaar that often,” I asked, surprised.
“Normally I don’t,” the bowman admitted. “But I will now ... jest in case.”
Tanda was tossing her coin in the air and catching it with practiced ease.
“I shouldn’t take this,” she sighed. “But a girl’s gotta eat.”
“You earned it,” I insisted.
“Yea, well, I guess we’ll be going,” she said, beckoning to the others. “Take care of yourself, handsome.”
“Will you be coming back?” I asked hurriedly.
She made a face.
“I don’t think so,” she grimaced. “If Grimble saw us together ...”
“I meant, ever,” I clarified.
She brightened immediately.
“Sure,” she winked. “You won’t get rid of me that easily. Say good-bye to Aahz for me.”
“Say good-bye to him yourself,” Aahz growled, stepping out of the shadows.
‘There you are!” Tanda grinned. “Where’s the Gremlin? I thought you two were talking.”
“We were,” Aahz confirmed looking around him. “I don’t understand. He was here a minute ago.”
“It’s as if he didn’t exist, isn’t it, Aahz?” I suggested innocently.
“Now look, kid!” my mentor began angrily.
A chorus of laughter erupted from the team. He spun in their direction to deliver a scathing reply, but there was a blip of light and they were gone.
We stood silently together for several moments staring at the vacant space. Then Aahz slipped an arm around my shoulder.
“They were a good team, kid,” he sighed. “Now pull yourself together. Triumphant generals don’t have slow leaks in the vicinity of their eyes. It’s bad for the image.”
AAHZ AND I entered the capital at the head of a jubilant mob of Possiltum citizens.
We were practically herded to the front of the palace by the crowd pressing us forward. The cheering was incredible. Flowers and other, less identifiable, objects were thrown at us or strewn in our path, making the footing uncertain enough that more than once I was afraid of falling and being trampled. The people, at least, seemed thoroughly delighted to see us. All in all, though, our triumphal procession was almost as potentially injurious to our life and limb as the war had been.
I was loving it.
I had never had a large crowd make fuss over me before. It was nice.
“Heads up, kid,” Aahz murmured, nudging me in the ribs. “Here comes the reception committee.”
Sure enough, there was another procession emerging from the main gates of the palace. It was smaller than ours, but made up for what it lacked in numbers with the prestige of its members.
The king was front and center, flanked closely by Grimble and Badaxe. The chancellor was beaming with undisguised delight. The general, on the other hand, looked positively grim.
Sweeping the crowd with his eyes, Badaxe spotted several of his soldiers in our entourage. His dark expression grew even darker, boding ill for those men. I guessed he was curious as to why they had failed to carry out his orders to stop our return.
Whatever he had in mind, it would have to wait. The king was raising his arms, and the assemblage obediently fell silent to hear what he had to say.
“Lord Magician,” he began. “Know that the cheers of the grateful citizens of Possiltum only echo my feelings for this service you have done us.”
A fresh wave of applause answered him.
“News of your victory has spread before you,” he continued. “And already our historians are recording the details of your triumph ... as much as is known, that is.”
An appreciative ripple of laughter surged through the crowd.
“While we do not pretend to comprehend the workings of your powers,” the king announced, “the results speak for themselves. A mighty army of invincible warriors vanished into thin air, weapons and all. Only their armor and siege machines littering the empty battlefield mark their passing. The war is won! The threat to Possiltum is ended forever!”
At this, the crowd exploded. The air filled with flowers again and shouting shook the very walls of the palace.
The king tried to shout something more, but it was lost in the jubilant noise. Finally he shrugged and reentered the palace, pausing only for a final wave at the crowd.
I thought it was
a rather cheap ploy, allowing him to cash in on our applause as if it were intended for him, but I let it go. Right now we had bigger fish to fry.
Catching the eyes of Grimble and Badaxe, I beckoned them forward.
“I’ve got to talk to you two,” I shouted over the din.
“Shouldn’t we go inside where it’s quieter?” Grimble shouted back.
“We’ll talk here!” I insisted.
“But the crowd ...” the chancellor gestured.
I turned and nodded to a figure in the front row of the mob.
He responded by raising his right arm in a signal. In response, the men in the forefront of the crowd locked arms and formed a circle around us, moving with near-military precision. In a twinkling, there was a space cleared in the teeming populace, with the advisors, Aahz, Gleep, myself, and the man who had given the signal standing alone at its center.
‘Just a moment,” Badaxe rumbled, peering suspiciously at the circle. “What’s going on ...?”
“General!” I beamed flashing my biggest smile. “I’d like you to meet the newest citizen of Possiltum.”
Holding my smile, I beckoned the mob leader forward.
“General Badaxe,” I announced formally. “Meet Big Julie. Big Julie, Hugh Badaxe!”
“Nice to meet you!” Julie smiled. “The boy here, he’s been tellin’ me all about you!”
The General blanched as he recognized the Empire’s top commander.
“You!” he stammered. “But you ... you’re ...”
“I hope you don’t mind, General,” I said smoothly. “But I’ve taken the liberty of offering Big Julie a job ... as your military consultant.”
“Military consultant?” Badaxe echoed suspiciously.
“What’s-a-matter,” Julie scowled. “Don’t you think I can do it?”
“It’s not that,” the general clarified hastily. “It’s just that ... well ...”
“One thing we neglected to mention, General,” Aahz interrupted. “Big Julie here is retiring from active duty. He’s more than willing to leave the running of Possiltum’s army to you, and agrees to give advice only when asked.”
“That’s right!” Julie beamed. “I just wanna sit in the sun, drink a little wine, maybe pat a few bottoms, you know what I mean?”
MA02 Myth Conceptions Page 16
