My legs shook. My entire body shook. I was cold, but I was covered in a sweat. I felt around the bathroom walls and pulled and wrapped a towel around me. I sat in the corner of the dark room, trembling in fear. What the hell just happened?
Chapter Nineteen
Zach
Fear.
Even in the dimmed room, I saw it clear in her eyes. The same ugly emotion I'd seen in my mother's years ago whenever she was in the presence of my father.
It clawed at my heart then, and it ripped me into pieces now as Maggie scurried away from me.
"Maggie," I called out to her, but I knew it was too late. I lost her. She was gone, driven by the crippling effect I had inflicted on her. I looked down at my hands. Numb. Trembling. If I was being honest, even I was afraid of myself. Of what these hands could do.
I fought not to turn into my father. For years, I'd been successful, proud even. One night brought all that hope down.
Tension thickened in my throat. Even if I followed her, she wouldn't want to be around me. In my experience, those who hurt never wanted to be anywhere near the people who damaged them. Maggie was smart, strong-willed, but even the mightiest could be a victim of fear.
Frustrated with myself, I punched the mattress several times. My entire body shook with the succumbing hatred I felt right now. I could rip it apart. I could rip this whole place apart, but I knew that wasn't the solution. I had to repair this. My mind needed clearance from the blinding fog of guilt. Think, Zach. With what I learned through years of training, I managed to slow my breathing, but my heart pounded into me like a battering ram. I let it damage me on the inside. I deserved as much.
Reaching for the phone on my side of the bed, I called the first person who was able to help me out with this problem before.
"'lo," Rick answered gruffly. I stared into nothing. My visions still blurred from anger. I couldn't say a word. All I wanted to do was yell. "Hello?" I could hear him shuffling on the other line. "Zach?"
My response was a heavy sigh.
"Zach, what's goin' on? It's...fuck, it's three in the morning. What the fu—"
"It happened again," I blurted out.
Rick groaned and spoke to the person he was with, probably some chick he hooked up with. Rick rarely spent the nights alone when he was away from home, from his kids. "What are you talking about?" He grunted.
"It happened again!" I yelled and dropped another F-bomb. I glanced at my door, pissed off at myself for losing my shit. "I thought it was gone. I thought it wasn't going to happen again, Rick. I'm so screwed. And Maggie...shit...Maggie." To anyone else, it wouldn't make any sense, but Rick had been my friend for a long time, and the trust and respect I had for the man was incomparable. And he knew what I'd been capable of. He'd been witness to the damage I could do.
"Shit," he said when he finally understood. "Where is she?"
"I think she locked herself in the bathroom. God, I messed up big time, Rick. What the hell am I going to do?" Panic choked me. My relationship with Maggie was still fresh and new, despite us knowing each other since we were kids. It was fragile at best. I love her. I loved her since we were kids. I loved her when she wasn't with me. I would love her even if she hated me. After tonight, she would hate me.
"Yeah...okay. Don't...You know, stay put. I'll be there. You might want to call someone."
"Who?"
Rick sighed. "Call Bailey. She'd need another chick in there."
"Shit. Rick. She was...you should have seen the look in her eyes." I scrubbed my fingers over the stubble on my chin, and tugged hard at my hair that was starting to grow a little too long for my liking.
"Yeah, I get it, bud. It will be fine. We'll sort it out. But call Bailey, and I'll be there as soon as I can."
I didn't call Bailey when Rick hung up the phone. Instead, I dressed in sweatpants and a shirt. My skin was clammy despite the chill from the air conditioning. I padded out of my bedroom and down the short hallway to the bathroom. There wasn't any light coming from underneath the closed door. I shuddered at the image of Maggie sitting inside, in the dark, terrified of me, and feeling trapped.
Standing in front of the bathroom door, I flattened a hand over it. I wanted to knock. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be all right. But things were not all right. Nothing was fine. Everything went down the shit hole. I had no one else to blame but myself. I pressed my forehead beside my hand, closed my eyes and whispered her name, "Maggie...I love you...please don't leave me." I stayed like that for a bit, then pushed off the door and walked away.
Once I figured out what to say to Bailey, I called her phone. She didn't pick up, so I called Travis and got his voicemail. I didn't leave a message. I called again. He answered on the third ring sounding angry and rough.
"I need Bailey's help."
"What? Who the hell is this?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, while I carefully explained part of the situation. "It's Zach. Can you and Bailey come to my place? There something...Maggie's in the bathroom. She's not talking to me."
"The hell did you do?" In the background, I heard Bailey ask who Travis was talking to. "It's Zach," he told her, "He said he needs us to go there. Something about Maggie in the bathroom. Is she sick?"
"No, she's not sick. Can you please come as fast as you can? Rick's on his way. He thinks it's a good idea to have Bailey around."
"Rick?" When I mentioned him, Travis knew right away the severity of my situation. Rick was our fixer. "Damn, brother. Yeah...We'll be there. You want me to bring anything?"
"No. Just come."
"Right."
I thought after talking to Rick or Travis, I would feel better. It was the exact opposite of what I felt. Not only did I have to explain things to Maggie, but I would also have to tell Travis and Bailey too. They might not be as understanding as Rick. I returned to the hallway and listened at the bathroom door for any noise coming from the other side. Since we were younger, Maggie wasn't the type to yell at anyone, even when she was mad or hurt. She kept everything in. The silence was evidence that she hadn't changed. I leaned on the sidewall, slid down and stretched my legs on the floor. With my head in my hands, I waited. I'd prefer if Maggie came out on her own before Rick arrived, but that was far from possible.
After the longest ten minutes of my life, Rick buzzed on the intercom. I ran to the panel to let him in, then unlocked my apartment and waited for him to arrive.
"D'ya call Bailey?" He looked haggard, but I didn't give a shit about his crumpled clothes or how much of a mess his hair was. He was here to help.
I nodded. "Yeah. They should be here soon." As soon as I said that, Bailey and Travis buzzed.
"What should I tell Bailey?" I worked my hand over my jaw.
Rick contemplated for a second then said, "Nothing. If Maggie wants to say anything to her, that's fine, but you don't say shit. Nothing to Travis either. What we need to do is get Maggie out of the bathroom and to feel safe enough to hear you out."
Safe. That was a loaded word. At the moment, it was synonymous to impossible.
Bailey came hurrying in, throwing attitude immediately at me. "What the hell did you do?"
I kept my head down, while Rick talked to her. "Bailey, I need you to go in and make sure Maggie is okay in there."
"In where?"
"Bathroom," I answered, while keeping my gaze away from her.
"Son of a bitch. You better wish she's okay, Zach, or else." She stalked to the hallway, but before she reached the door, I stopped her.
"Wait, Bai." I ran into the bedroom to grab clothes, and returned to hand them to Bailey. She looked down at them with a frown. "She's not wearing anything."
She muttered a string of swears under her breath and yanked the clothes from me. Rick, Travis, and I stood at the end of the hall, watching Bailey. Travis hadn't said a thing when he got here, but I knew his mind was swirling with so many possibilities. He sent me a side-glance, eyebrows knitted with questions, but still kept his mouth
shut.
"Maggie, it's Bailey." She knocked on the door, turned to us and knocked again. "Maggie, can you open the door? You okay in there?"
My heart beat like I was in the ring, fighting for my life. I might as well be. My head couldn’t wrap around the possibility of Maggie leaving me after this. My heart wouldn't survive.
Then it almost exploded when the door opened, just slightly. Hope. I kept my hands by my sides, ready to surge forward and ask Maggie for forgiveness, plead, beg, but Rick extended his arm in front of me. We looked at each other, he shook his head, and as hard as it was, I understood and stayed put.
Bailey glanced over her shoulder before she entered the bathroom and closed the door again.
"How bad do you think the damage is...physically?" Rick asked in his low voice. He ordered Travis to sit in the living room while he and I talked in the bedroom.
I ran trembling hands through my hair. My knees bounced as I shook my legs. "I'm not sure. She didn't talk to me. I don't know if she couldn't or didn't want to." What I needed right now was a punching bag, with my face on it. How could I screw this up?
"How long has it been since..." He let the words hang in the air.
I looked up at Rick, seated on a chair he pulled out of the corner. "Two years."
"Nothing after Kenzie?"
"No. That shrink you told me to go to worked it out with me. Well, I thought he did." I thought back to months of psychiatric sessions. It was one of Rick's solutions. He promised to keep his mouth shut, wouldn't tell anyone as long as I saw someone for it. Someone to fix me. Without any incidents for two years, I thought it worked. I was fixed. I should have known better.
My life flushed its own self down the drain when I felt even a hint of happiness.
"What triggered it?"
I shook my head. A vice grip wrapped itself around my gut. "I don't even know. We didn't do much yesterday. Just hung out. Ma's doing very well. Everything's good."
Nodding his head and scratching the growth of thick facial hair on his jaw, Rick stared right at me. His eyes said what his mouth didn't. I'd have to agree with his doubt. There was something there. Something I couldn't name. But something turned me into a monster.
Neither one of us said anything more when we heard the sound of the bathroom door opening and Bailey's voice. I ran past Rick but kept a good distance away from the two girls, no matter how much I wanted to just kiss Maggie's feet and ask for forgiveness.
Even though she didn't look directly at me, her eyes were red. It squeezed my heart. She'd been crying. Of course, she cried. But her lips and hands didn't tremble, which was unexpected.
When I didn't, couldn't say what I wanted to Maggie, Rick stepped forward. His hands stayed on his side. "How are you, Maggie? Do you want to stay here or...I have room...or you can go with Bailey?"
I couldn't look at her for too long. The clothes I handed to Bailey weren't Maggie's; they were mine. She had on a plain gray shirt and my blue sweatpants. Maggie pulled on the hem of the gray shirt and rolled a small piece between her fingers. Her feet were naked, and she stood with them crossed, one on top of the other.
Her lips parted, then closed again. Then her eyes found mine. "I'd like to stay here. I think Zach and I have to talk."
"Are you sure?" Bailey held her hand and squeezed it. I should be doing that. I should be holding her hand. I should tell her she should feel safe with me, but even I wasn't too sure of it.
Was I happy that she decided to stay and hear me out? Hell yeah. I for one, thought I probably didn't deserve it, but I would make the most out of this, while I had the chance.
"Yes." One word, yet, commanding, sure, confident. My love for this woman grew even more, as respect added to it.
"All right." He stepped closer to Maggie and held out his arms. Maggie accepted the quick embrace. "Call any one of us if you need anything or you want out of here. Anytime."
"Thanks, Rick." Maggie turned to Bailey and hugged her too. "I'll be okay. I'll talk to you later."
"You've got my number. Just call." Bailey spun around and glared at me, but she withheld whatever she wanted to say. She didn't do it for me. Bailey always said what she felt like should be heard, but she did it for Maggie. "Come, Trav."
Travis tipped his baseball cap at Maggie. Before leaving with Bailey and Rick, he patted me on the shoulder, a gesture that said 'good luck.' I needed a ton of it.
Chapter Twenty
Maggie
I wrapped both hands around the cup and sipped the warm, over-steeped tea. We were both tired, Zach more than me. He hadn't said a word since his friends—and I guess, mine now too—left. I understood why. He was afraid. So was I. I wasn't going to deny it. I feared for my life. That moment when I couldn't breathe, when he had his hand around my throat, when I thought he was going to kill me, I feared him then. But right now, I was more afraid of what would be left unsaid if I didn't at least hear him out.
I knew plenty of people who'd run as fast as they could away from this situation. Maybe it was the smart thing to do. But also, maybe not. When I came out of the bathroom, what first drew me in were his eyes. Fear. Desperation. Loneliness. They were all there.
I heard his whispers from the other side of the bathroom door. He said he loved me. I believed it. I believed it then, when I couldn't see him, when I could feel the hurt through the wooden door. I felt his pain. I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was our uncanny connection. We always had it, Zach and me.
His shuffling in the kitchen caught my attention, but I hid behind my thick curls, waiting for the right words to come. That could take years. Or never. The words didn't have to be perfect, they just had to be honest. He opened the fridge door and slammed it closed about five times, then he would turn and wash his hands. Whatever he was looking for he wouldn't find it in the fridge. Whatever he was washing off was there before the incident happened. His shoulders stooped when he gripped the edge of the countertop. Then he knocked his forehead on the granite top.
I calmly put my cup down on the coffee table and unfolded my legs. I pulled on the waistband of his sweatpants that Bailey got me to wear and tightened the drawstrings. The tremble translated into my hand when I reached out for him. Zach didn't look up. Still bent at the waist, he circled his large arms around my waist, bringing me much closer to him. Zach lifted me and sat me on the countertop. His hands pressed down on the granite by my thighs. His forehead pressed on mine. His eyes tightly shut. Dark circles surrounded them. A dark cloud loomed over him.
"I'm sorry, Maggie. I'm so sorry." His voice shook. Soft and weak. Helpless.
I ran fingers over his hands, tracing angry veins under his skin, all the way up his shoulders, and ending under his tensed jaw. "Open your eyes." I wanted to see...him.
A muscle in his jaw twitched. There was hesitation in his movements. I kissed both his eyelids. He squeezed his eyes tighter before slowly giving into my request. There it was again. Fear. It was clear in his eyes.
"Tell me." I rubbed the pad of my thumb over the seal of his lips, and he kissed it. "I'm here to listen." I reached up to place a kiss on the tiny white scar on his forehead.
He inched away from me, but he took my hands in his and placed one on top of the other over his chest before covering them with his own. "I was sixteen when Ma's condition started getting worse. She was working three jobs just to keep food on the table, and to keep us out of the street. I was already getting into underground fights by that time. Lied to the people who ran them about my age. Not that they cared. I looked eighteen, and I was willing to bleed for a couple hundred dollars. I won a lot, and that got someone's attention."
"Rick?"
He shook his head. "He didn't find me until almost a year later. The guys he used to train would come to the fights, and they'd practice on us. It was brutal. But I kept beating his best guys." He chuckled drily, and it rumbled under my hands. Although the sadness remained in his eyes. "He didn't want to recruit me. Said I was too angry, which was true. L
ittle did I know he was doing his homework and asked about me. Long story short, he was willing to work on me if I worked on my anger management.
"Rick was the one who pointed out that there was something going on with Ma. I mean, what the hell did I know? I was just a stupid kid. I didn't know anything about Alzheimer's. I thought Ma was just working too much, you know? But Rick got concerned, so he got Ma tested."
He paused to squeeze my hands and lift them to his lips then placing them back over his heart again. His heartbeat was mad, furious, fast, but his breathing was controlled. There was so much struggle within him. I kept my mouth shut, silently urging him to continue. Zach stroked my cheeks while he talked.
"It was my eighteenth birthday when we received the initial results. Her symptoms had been caused by years of abuse." His fingers paused, hovering over my skin yet the current of his touch continued to electrify me. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe at the heaviness of his words. "I went crazy. My...father...well, I knew where he lived by that time. I kept him under my radar to make sure he didn't come close to Ma. She never knew I figured out how to find him. I was so angry, Maggie." His voice caught.
Zach leaned forward and burrowed his nose in my hair. He spoke in a low, hushed voice full of despair. "I went to him. He didn't have a family. He didn't have anybody, but he lived in a nice neighborhood, in a big house, with a fucking pricey car on the driveway. He was living a good life, and we were... We'd lived in a car for almost a year. Ma and I lived on the streets, in shelters. We struggled to survive. He had everything. He recognized me right away even though we hadn't seen each other for years. I couldn't help myself. I attacked him. I beat him to a pulp."
By this time, hot tears uncontrollably rolled down my cheeks. I didn't bother wiping them away. I kept my hands on Zach. His chest rumbled, as though his heart was shattering into pieces. He had suffered too much, burdened by his own father.
When He Falls Page 22
