by Flatman, NJ
“I don’t know okay,” she finally relented. “I don’t know how well they knew each other or what was up. I wasn’t really— I mean we weren’t— she was keeping to herself. I didn’t ask.” Somehow her random reply didn’t make me feel any better. I knew she was trying, but it just didn’t help.
“I see,” focusing on the ocean prevented me from showing too many emotions to the woman who would use them against me.
“It was a party Spencer,” she threw out. “I don’t think it was more than that.”
“But she’d go to him?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I hope. I’d rather that than to be back at square one with no answer.”
“I guess,” I could never say I’d rather her be with another man. Never.
“I think this is it,” she was slowing the car in front of a house that looked like something my parents would have chosen. Great. Avery went for the rich guy. I could have been the rich guy. I wanted to be the normal guy. But she chose the rich guy.
I sat there, rigid and terrified to speak. If I opened my mouth I’d say the wrong damned thing. I just knew it. Yes, I wanted her to be safe and okay. What I didn’t want, was for her to to be both of those with a strange man. Hell, I didn’t even want her to have been going to parties. I was at Kev’s and struggling to make it day to day. She was in tourist heaven partying like I never existed and meeting guys.
“Spencer,” Colby turned to me, “don’t go in there as the jealous boyfriend. We don’t know the situation. We need this guy’s help.”
“Right,” I acknowledged her, but couldn’t agree. I was the jealous boyfriend. The extremely jealous boyfriend. The heartbroken and jealous boyfriend.
“I’m serious Spencer,” her voice sounded angry. “I want my best friend to be okay. I need to know she is. So don’t piss off the guy we need to help us. He may be the only connection we’ve got.”
“Okay,” the agreement was necessary, but not preferred.
As she opened the door and got out, I felt my body turn to lead. I couldn’t lift my hand to unlock and open my door. None of my limbs would work. Heavy and stiff, they simply hung there as I tried to move them. My heart began to race and my breathing became labored and sporadic.
Panic was setting in. I didn’t want to see this guy. I didn’t want to meet him. I had no clue who he was or what he was doing in Avery’s life, but I didn’t want to find out. Colby was motioning for me to join her. I couldn’t even shake my head. I just sat, stone still and silent, trying to find the ability to inhale.
“Now!” she yelled, getting bitchier than she already was. I knew I was letting her down. I was letting Avery down. But the idea of standing face to face with another man in her life wasn’t something I could handle. Not then. Not ever.
I watched blondie’s face drop. She went from demanding to pleading. Her shoulder’s slumped and the corners of her eyes were damp with tears. She was begging. I wanted to say no. I wanted to refuse. But I was sure that she wouldn’t go alone, and she couldn’t stand the idea of not going.
“Please?” she asked with sincerity. How the hell did she manage to switch moods that fast?
I was able to lift my right arm and flip the door open. But walking was going to be something else. Each step I took was only going to lead me closer to what I wanted least. A face to face chat with a man I didn’t know and would prefer not to ever meet.
I’d heard stories of mafia men putting concrete shoes on their victims and dumping them in bodies of water to drown. In that moment, standing in a stranger’s driveway, I knew what those victims felt like. I couldn’t lift my feet. Every second they seemed to get heavier pulling me closer to the ground.
I wasn’t in water, but I may as well have been. At least then I would have had a reason for gasping for air and struggling to breathe. But for me, it was just jealousy and fear. More of each than I could handle.
“Spencer!” I heard Colby, but her voice was almost muffled by the ringing and paranoia that were bellowing in my ears. I knew I should answer her. I couldn’t. My thoughts wouldn’t clear. My mouth wouldn’t move. I was frozen. “Spencer, damn it.”
She was standing in front of me, staring at me. Watching me. Looking for a sign of life, or hating me for not rushing to the door alongside her. I wasn’t sure which. Her eyes, fired up with anger, bore into me. Suddenly I saw them shift. The hatred was slipping away and I saw something I’d never seen in Colby before. Fear. Panic. Even sympathy.
“Are you okay?” she asked, this time her voice a little clearer. At that moment she wasn’t concerned with me moving faster. She was sincerely worried about me. Why? She didn’t care about me. She could barely tolerate sharing a space with me. What would make her suddenly care? “Spencer? Say something.”
I didn’t like it. I wasn’t sure if I didn’t like it because she was scared or if I didn’t like it that she was pitying me. I just knew I didn’t like it. That was enough to clear my head some and feel like I could catch my breath.
“What am I supposed to say?” I didn’t mean to be snappy. I knew she didn’t deserve it. I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t like the look of pity she gave me. It took me back to being seven years old and seeing the looks on people’s faces.
“Are you ready?” her question had just as nasty a tone as mine.
“I’m never going to be ready,” I was honest. “But do I have a choice?”
“Not really.”
“Then can we at least get it over with?”
I walked beside her, not saying another word, up to the front door. Surprisingly, it was Colby that froze when we got there. She lifted her hand as if she were going to ring the bell, but couldn’t seem to do it. I felt bad for her. I wasn’t sure which of us had it worse. Me for knowing I’d left her and caused all of this or Colby because she’d taken off in anger and left her best friend to fend for herself.
Reaching across her outstretched arm I hit the button and listened to the strange sound that emitted from inside the house.
“Thanks,” she whispered and I just nodded.
Both of us waited impatiently. If someone was coming to the door, you couldn’t have proven it by me. There was no sound from the other side. Trying to decide what to do, I opted to reach across and push the button again. This time, I left nothing to chance and made sure I hit it about ten times.
“I think that’s good,” Colby’s hand reached out, covering mine and prodded me to stop. “If anyone is here they will hear you.”
“Okay,” I pulled my hand back.
“Hell, if anyone is three blocks down the road they will hear you.” She snapped with a laugh.
I knew she was trying to avoid the tension that was filling the space between us. Neither of us wanted to acknowledge that our only real lead may have been a bust. So she had picked at me to direct the focus elsewhere. I decided it was worth playing along.
“Well I suppose I could have went the mime route the way you did,” I imitated her standing, frozen and unable to do anything. “That’ll get an answer!”
“I was just following the lead you started outside the car,” she retorted.
Both of us knew that we were doing all that we could to hang in there. Neither of us were certain we’d find Avery and every second that passed was another that we didn’t know if she was okay.
“Well I….”
“Can I help you?” the door slung open suddenly, startling us both.
“Hi,” Colby turned towards the guy with her classic flirtatious smile. The same one she’d tried to give me at that party where I’d met Avery. “Remember me?”
I didn’t speak. I was too busy scanning the guy. He was a little taller than I was, but he certainly didn’t have much to offer in the looks department. Blond hair that looked like it was just left to tend to itself hung down across his face. An expensive labeled wrinkly button down shirt seemed to hide a chunky body. The shorts he had on didn’t help, falling to his knees and making his legs look short and fat. He wa
s smiling, but it didn’t hide the acne that was covering his face.
Avery was with this guy? What the hell?
“Honey,” he grinned at Colby. “You’re a pretty blond. Dime a dozen. You might have to give me a bigger hint. “
Says the fat nerdy guy with money. It was on the tip of my tongue, but I bit it. I didn’t want to upset Colby or risk not seeing Avery.
“I came to a couple of your parties with my friend,” Colby added.
“So did half of Myrtle Beach and a big chunk of five other states.”
“Yes, but you talked with her. A lot.” Colby was teetering with what to say and I wondered if it was because I was there. Was there something she was trying to hide from me?
“Little more blondie,” he grinned again.
I hated him. I didn’t know why, but I hated him.
“Her name was — is — Avery,” I watched his reaction to the word, which only made me feel worse. Instant recognition. He damn well knew who she was.
I wanted to reach out and punch his stupid chubby face. I wanted to make sure he couldn’t smirk at us ever again. But if I did I may never see her.
“Ah yes,” he nodded. “Suddenly you have time for me.”
“I’m looking for Avery,” Colby told him and for the first time I saw him look at me.
“I thought she was your friend?” he asked, Colby nodding in agreement. “Then shouldn’t you know where she is?”
“Dude,” I stepped in, watching Colby’s face drop as I did. “How about we stop playing this stupid fucking chat around the subject game and you just tell us if you know anything about Avery or where she is.”
“And here I thought he was just a trophy to hang on your arm,” the guy snapped at Colby and I felt my blood boil.
My face was hot and flushed with anger. I wanted to hit him. My hand was shaking from the urge. But for Avery, and hell a little bit for Colby, I fought against it.
“I don’t know where she is,” he finally said. “She was gone when I got home. Her stuff is still here, so I’m guessing she’ll be back.”
His words cut through me like a knife. Gone when he got home. Her stuff there. She’d be back. Avery hadn’t just turned to him. She was living with him.
“Do you know when? Or where she might have gone?” Colby took over—seeing I couldn’t speak and trying to prevent a bigger problem.
“I don’t keep tabs on her. She’s a grown woman. She can do whatever she pleases and come and go whenever she’d like.”
I heard his words and felt my throat constrict. Keep tabs on her. Whatever she pleases. Come and go whenever she’d like. My chest felt heavy. I couldn’t breathe. He was talking about Avery. My Avery. Not his Avery.
“Is— is— she—” I struggled to get the words past the dry lump in my throat. “Okay?”
“No need to worry,” he smiled. “I take good care of her.”
Black flashed before my eyes. Suddenly I saw nothing. Heard nothing. I just needed to get to him and hurt him.
“Thank you,” Colby rushed to say. “Come on. We will come back tomorrow and talk to her.” She grabbed my arm and began to pull me in the opposite direction.
“No,” I insisted. “Let me…”
“We are leaving Spencer,” she whispered. “If we piss him off, we will lose access to her. Breathe and then walk to the car.”
Chapter 14
“Well this is a surprise,” my father stood behind his desk and motioned for me to sit down.
“I can’t stay,” I lied. I knew I had plenty of time. The truth was that I didn’t want to stay. I could stay as long as I wanted. Which was less time than I’d already been there.
“I see,” he replied, taking his seat again. “So what can I do for you Spence?”
I stood quietly for a moment. I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. It was a new one for me. The fact was that I’d had a trust fund my entire life. But when I’d reached old enough to claim it, I’d walked away. There was no part of it that I wanted.
In my mind, every dollar in that account was just their way of easing their own guilt. They wanted to feel justified in the way they treated their own children, so they bought that justification. I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it. I’d leave it be.
But that day, I was going to ask for part of it. For the first time since I’d had access, I wanted some of the money. I was entitled. I could have it whenever I needed it. Anytime I wanted. Hell Kevin used his for partying and drugs. They knew it. No one stopped it. So I had no doubt I could have mine.
But Kevin pretended. He lived in a world where he acted like he liked them. I didn’t want that. There couldn’t be any misconceptions. I still wanted nothing to do with them other than the occasional check-up to make sure they were alive. I just wanted a couple thousand dollars from the trust fund. No strings.
“I’d like some of my money,” I told my father without changing facial expressions or exhibiting any semblance of emotion. I had none. I wanted the money. I didn’t want the family.
“After all this time you’ve decided to take what we offer?” he looked as surprised as I was that I’d go to him and ask.
“I don’t want it all,” I answered. “I have something I need to do and I need the money for it.”
“That’s how life works son,” he tried to smile at me but I wasn’t having any of this nonsense.
“Don’t call me that,” I yelled at him. “You gave up that right years ago. I am Spencer if and when I choose to talk to you. Nothing more.”
“I’m sorry so— Spencer,” his face dropped.
Most of the people that knew my story felt sorry for him. He was just as trapped as I was they said. I didn’t buy that. He had children. That meant he should step out of that selfish fucking bubble and protect us. But he never did. His only concern was trying to teach us that we should change our ways and avoid pissing her off.
I stood there, waiting. I was sure he’d ask me a laundry list of questions. What had been so important that I’d go back to him for money? That was the one I expected the most. What was I going to say to it?
None of his damned business that was what I was going to say. I debated answering honestly. It wasn’t like I was ashamed of my plans. But I decided that doing so only gave someone power over me. If the people that hated me the most had any idea what could hurt me, whose to say they wouldn’t use it?
“How much do you need?” He pulled out a checkbook and I realized he wasn’t even going to ask me. He didn’t care enough to even notice that something pretty important was going on in my life.
“Two grand,” I answered, refusing to let his ignorance hurt me.
He leaned over, wrote and signed the check, and handed it to me. I looked and he’d made it out for three.
“Just in case.” He nodded towards the paper in my hand — pointing out that he’d upped the check from my requested amount.
“Thanks,” turning around, I walked towards the door.
No more words were spoken. No goodbye. No promises to see each other later. I had no intention of saying anything that could be construed as a hope for things to be different. I didn’t want them to be different.
Sticking the check into my pocket, I took quick and long strides towards the elevator. My heart rate had elevated, sweat was forming along my brow, and my hands were shaking. Getting out of the building wasn’t just a goal, it was necessity.
“Where you been?” Kevin was back to his version of normal. TV was on— loud as hell with a video game theme on constant loop— and he was bent over the god damned coffee table.
It took restraint not to walk over, slam his head against the wooden surface, and tell him how fucking stupid he was. But I didn’t. Why bother? He wasn’t going to change and I had better things to do.
“Out!”
Time was running out. I had calls to make and plans to arrange. If I was going to do this, I didn’t have the spare time to sit and answer Kev’s questions or worry about the fact
that he was throwing his life away. Walking to the bedroom, I went over my mental to-do list in order to make this plan work.
“Fucking piece of fucking shit!”
Change of plans. Time to get back out of the apartment. This situation never went well. Kev — awake for nearly a week— had already crossed the line from happy to pissed off at the world. I’d be damned if I was going to sit there and wait until he turned that anger from the video game towards me.
Silently cursing my brother, I ran around the room packing a bag. Life was shitty. The day started with a simple thought— one little desire. I was going to give Avery something special. A memory that would never go away— even when we inevitably failed down the road. That’s all I wanted. Which led me to my father and back to the apartment— only to realize I didn’t need to be there.
