by Flatman, NJ
“Colby— never mind— just say what you need and go home.” I was tired. I was angry at myself. I was upset. She wasn’t helping. “Does Avery even know you’re here?”
“It doesn’t matter!” she snapped. “What matters is what I’m saying.”
“I heard you. Leave her alone. Fine. Now can this be over?”
“You don’t even give a fuck. You are pathetic. The world’s biggest fucking prick.”
“And you are a bitch. Anything else?” putting the glass to my lips, I decided the taste of whiskey almost made the feelings tolerable.
“Stay gone Spencer.” She yelled as she stood and walked towards the door. “If you really love her— stay the fuck away from her.”
She slammed my fucking door. I hated when people did that. Women were notorious for slamming doors and banging things when they were angry. What was the point? It was just unnecessary noise. Something women did to get attention. Slam a fucking door. It never even worked.
I stood up and went to pour another drink. Colby had a lot of fucking nerve just showing up at my apartment. Especially to tell me how unhappy Avery was and instruct me not to go back.
I didn’t want to go back. I wanted to let her heal and move on. It just never worked that way. It wasn’t like I’d just decided that today I didn’t love her. Hell no. I loved her more than anyone would ever understand.
The night she’d come to me had really fucked with me. I’d spent two days trying to figure out what to do. She loved me. Enough that she’d give up her best friend. I didn’t like that bitch very much— but I knew Avery would regret that. I knew then I should let her go. I knew that night she’d be better off without me.
I tried to convince myself otherwise. I told myself she needed me. She loved me. Colby was cruel. I said all the things I thought were true. It almost worked. I almost believed that she was better off.
Then I went there. At first, all was good. We were about to watch a movie— talking about the possibility of us living together— when the bitch had interrupted. I won’t lie, I was a little pissed. She’d walked out to us heavy duty making out on the couch. Wouldn’t that be the right time to go back to your fucking room? But she didn’t. She joined us.
My anger went away. When I saw how happy Avery was— I quit being mad. Instead, I felt guilty. All she wanted was for us to get along. Yet she’d walk away from her friend for not accepting me. Even knowing I didn’t really accept her either.
Avery would choose me. Each and every time. Even if she knew that the choice she made would ultimately hurt her and make her unhappy. But one day she’d see the real me. She’d know how dark and ugly I was underneath the surface. And she’d hate me. She’d want away from me. Yet nobody would be there to help her. To hold her up. She’d have given them all up for me.
How could I let her do that? I mean I had seen with my own eyes how much it had meant to her for Colby and I to get along. How much that bitch had meant to her. I couldn’t be the reason they were torn apart. But Colby had seen it. The dark underneath. She didn’t like me. She never would. And it would tear Avery apart.
It was going to be bad. The thoughts and feelings compounded inside my head. I knew what I had to do. She needed freedom. She needed her friends. She needed me gone. Before I destroyed her life the way I’d done my own. Before I left her hating me and having no one else to turn to.
I didn’t like picking a fight with her. She was so surprised. So upset. Tears were filling her eyes and I couldn’t look at her. There was no way I could see the torment on her face that I knew was there. Colby had left. I didn’t need her psycho ass on me. I’d picked the right moment to say something. Anything.
She begged. Pleaded. I felt my insides twist up. I was in agony listening. God I hated when she did that. Part of me felt bad and wanted to give her what she wanted. The other part wanted to slap her and tell her to grow the fuck up. Stop begging for love. It didn’t work. It wasn’t going to work. Trust me, I’d spent my entire life trying.
I’d never touch her. But I hated seeing her like that. Hated seeing the tears. Hated hearing the pleas. Especially when I couldn’t show the way they hurt me. When I couldn’t make it better. I had to stay cold and distant. It was the only way it’d work.
I’d walked out. Listening to her cry. I’d left. Breaking her heart. Shattering her trust in me. I’d still done it. And I’d do it again. It was the right thing. The best thing. The only thing.
That night had been the hardest. The drugs. Wanting them. But I’d fought it. I’d drank myself damn near stupid— but I didn’t cave to the drugs. That was important. At least to me.
Ironic that the bitch showed up when I’d done it all for her. So that Avery wouldn’t trade her for me. So that I wasn’t the reason they fell apart. Wonder if she’d think I was such an asshole if she knew that?
Probably.
She was a bitch, after all. But I’d never tell so it didn’t matter. I just had to suffer through it. Hearing her words echo in my brain. Knowing she was unhappy and I was the reason. I’d just have to deal. Because sometimes there just isn’t anything else to do. Sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough.
Chapter 19
I expected dinner to be awkward. I knew I’d have a tough time sitting through it. Not touching her. Not telling her I loved her. Watching her sit with another man. But I also knew that I had no choice. I loved her too much to give up on her.
“How can you do it?” I had just finished getting dressed when Colby asked. My curious glance in her direction must have shown her that I didn’t know what she meant. “Agree to this— let him be there?”
“I love her.” The answer seemed simple to me.
“But she’s— I mean—”
“I know.” I grabbed the keys, ready to get this over with. “But I still love her.”
“I would think that would make it harder.”
“It does.”
“Then why?”
“I love her Colby. I love her if she’s mine. I love her if she’s not. It doesn’t matter. If I have to sit next to her and another man to have her in my life right now, I will. Being without her— not knowing she’s okay— that’s worse. And right now I don’t think she’s okay.”
“Sounds to me like love is pretty fucked up.”
“That it is” I turned to look at her. “Ready to go?”
At her nod, we left the room. We knew we’d get hurt that night. We did it anyway. For the same damn reason. We loved her.
Love. What a shitty thing. Everywhere we turn love is thrown in our face. Music. Movies. Books. Couples on the street. Hell, even commercials show the importance of love. The happiness of love. But I sat in that car— headed to the worst night of my life— and wondered if I was crazy.
I’d avoided it for so long. Love. Not because I didn’t want to love anyone. Because I knew. I’d always known. Love wasn’t always good. It wasn’t something that always made you happy. Sometimes love was tough. It hurt. It sucked. There were times when love would stab you through the gut and twist the knife until you doubled over.
This was one of those days. It was something that you couldn’t write into a magical story or song. It wasn’t happy. It wasn’t sweet. It was sad. Love was making me miserable that day. It was killing me. I was angry. I was hurt. I was alone. But I was there. That’s what makes it real. When no matter what you feel— how bad it tears you apart— you are there. And I was. That wasn’t going to change.
In that moment my love for Avery was painful. But real love didn’t give up and turn away because of pain. And this was as real as it could get.
Yes there was someone else. I knew that slowly Avery was disappearing. Nothing felt right. It didn’t make sense. But I wasn’t giving up. Sitting there at dinner with them— feeling that torment— I’d do it every day if it meant she was in my life. If I knew she was okay. That’s all I needed to know to make it worth every ounce of pain.
And that’s why I didn’t want love in
my life. Because in the end— that’s what it is. Pain. I’d learned that years before and for some reason, I just seemed to keep it going.
“I’m not ready for this” It was the first time Colby had spoken since we’d left the motel. Her hands were shaking, her voice quavering. I had been so caught up in my own feelings that I’d forgotten how she must be feeling.
She had never been in a situation like this. Colby had been the dominant one in their friendship. If they had problems, she was the angry one. She’d never been on this end. She didn’t know how to handle it. She wanted to make things right. Avery didn’t.
I could’ve helped her. I could’ve told her how to handle things. I could’ve reassured her. Let her know that eventually Avery would return. Not just home, but to the person we knew. But I didn’t. I couldn’t really. I didn’t believe it.
I was being selfish. Completely. Nursing my own wounds. Throwing my own pity party. I was losing her love and I didn’t have it in me to worry about anyone else’s shit. So I didn’t try to help. I didn’t add encouragement. I just told her she’d be fine.
“Thanks for the heartfelt emotion,” she rolled her eyes and got out of the car.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I dunno Spencer,” she snapped. “How about some sympathy and understanding?”
“Know what I understand Colby?” At this point I was pacing beside the rental car. “We are forcing this. She doesn’t want us here. She fucking hates us.”
“Thanks for the positive vibes.”
“It’s true. But we are going in anyway. Why? Because we love her. And it’s going to destroy us both.”
She stood frozen and not speaking. I felt a small twinge of guilt. She didn’t need that. But I didn’t need any of it. And I was tired of being strong. I wanted to be pissed. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to knock the teeth out of the guy I was going to have to talk to all night.
“I don’t want to,” Colby’s voice was quiet.
“What?” I stopped and stared at her. “You have to.”
“I can’t.”
Her face was pale. Almost translucent. She was shaking. Tears filled her eyes.
“I can’t.”
“I need you.” My words surprised me almost as much as they surprised her. “I can’t do it alone. Please. I need you.”
No one could have convinced me that moment would ever happen. I’d never have believed I’d be asking Colby for help. That I’d ever think, let alone say, I needed her. It wasn’t predictable. But I did. I knew I’d never be okay in there by myself. I needed her to be with me. We needed each other.
And I knew that if she left or refused to go inside, I wasn’t going to be okay. I probably would leave with her. That thought scared me. That thought meant leaving Avery behind and never understanding what had happened to her— to us.
“You owe me,” she snapped with a smirk and walked towards the door of the seafood place.
I sighed with relief and followed, hoping that I’d get lucky and the Avery I knew and loved would be inside. Preferably without the moron she had been living with.
I wouldn’t be that lucky.
Avery was there, but I almost didn’t recognize her. Colby had the same surprise as we walked up. That may have technically been Avery sitting at the table; but it was nothing like the girl we both knew.
Brown hair that normally fell messy and loose across her shoulders was straightened, almost to perfection.The light green eyes that I’d adored were hidden behind the dark eyeliner and mascara she was wearing. Even her lips looked different under the bright pink shade of lipstick she wore. She was beautiful— no doubt about that. But she wasn’t Avery.
“Sorry we are late,” I knew we weren’t, but it seemed the best way to announce our arrival.
“You’re right on time.”
“Good” I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was so different.
I felt like I’d went backwards. Sitting across the table from Avery— her best friend with me— I tried to steal glances without getting caught. Everything I’d loved about her— all of the things that had made her different and special— seemed to be gone. Or hidden. She sat there catching the eye of every man in the place, and all I wanted was the girl I’d fallen in love with.
I tried to search her eyes during those few times she was willing to look in my direction. I wanted to find her. The woman I’d known. The one that loved me. But she wasn’t there. Nothing was there. As she chatted about things she’d done while she’d been there, it was said without emotion.
I recognized the look. It was the same that I’d seen in the mirror many times. Pain could do that. It could kill the person inside. It could take away the life you had felt. Harden you to the ways of the world. Break you when you were already broken.
You become numb. To the feelings you have. The people you care about. The pain you are trying to prevent. But something told me it was more than that. This was something I wasn’t quite sure of. But I’d been right. Avery had been in trouble.
I watched her try and concentrate. She wasn’t able to. Her eyes darted around the table— an attempt to keep up with everyone at once. She didn’t roll her eyes or think too hard. She didn’t bite her lip. There was a body there, but the soul that had once occupied it seemed to be lost.
Memories flooded me as I tried to eat and act nonchalant. Avery so innocent and child-like, naive and pure. What I’d most wanted to protect. The look of love in her eyes. Pale pink cheeks. Soft and kissable lips. Simple. Easy. Trusting. All of it gone.
“Come home with us.”
I heard Colby’s plea and it broke my train of thought. I should’ve been paying attention. I’d asked her to be there for me and I’d failed to return the gesture.
“Why?”
“Because it’s home.”
Avery sat there for a few, moving her head side to side to look at each of us. She was confused, but I didn’t know what confused her. I prayed with everything that it was about her feelings. I needed her to remember them.
“I like it here.” The statement was said without any enthusiasm.
Colby looked devastated. She wasn’t sure what to say and she wasn’t reading Avery very well. The divide between them would take a lot to repair even if Avery left with us that day. I wasn’t sure that they’d ever be the same.
“Why don’t I go with you?” Luke spoke and I wondered who the hell invited him.
“Really?”
Avery had turned to him— showing an emotion resembling excitement. She was happy he offered. What did that mean? She needed him to come home with us?
“Sure.” He smiled at her. “I haven’t been to the Windy City in a while. A vacation would be nice.”
“I don’t understand,” Colby spoke up.
“Colby,” I tried to stop her.
“No Spencer!” She yelled. “I don’t have to keep quiet. I don’t understand why Avery needs this loser to come back home. Why can’t she come back just because it’s home?”
“Maybe it’s not.” Her voice was meek, reserved. “Maybe I don ‘t know where home is anymore.”
“Well it’s not with him” Colby stood. “I’ve been your friend since school. Yes I fucked up. I know I did. But you’ve fucked up way more times than I have. And you need— him — to be able to come back with me? What the fuck does he do that I haven’t?”
“I’m not sure who I can trust anymore.”
Her voice was still quiet. Her tone melancholy. I hated it. I wanted to see hope and happiness across her face.
“So you trust the stranger,” Colby shot back. “Nice.”
Everyone sat quietly. Even as Colby stood up, none of us looked at her. I was afraid to. I couldn’t let my own emotions show. My heart was broken. My world devastated. Seeing that same feeling on Colby’s face would be more than I could handle.
“I’m sorry Spencer,” she looked down at me with sympathy. “If you want to stay that’s fine. But I can’t listen anymo
re.”
I watched her storm across the restaurant, purse in hand. She wasn’t angry. She was hurt. I understood. But Avery didn’t.
“Big surprise” her voice didn’t sound like her. It was flat. Lifeless. “Colby is mad again.”
I couldn’t make sense of anything that was going on. I was sitting with the love of my life. She was completely different. A strange man sat beside her and offered to come back to Chicago with her. She was more excited about that than she was about seeing me. Her best friend left hurt and I was about to get up and go chase her. The friend that hated me and vice versa. The world had turned upside down in an instant.
