It was another cold, wet March evening. The rain was pouring down like sheets of water and we got drenched running from the car to the back door. Joshua had just gotten over a bad ear infection and I remembered all too well the night I spent in the emergency room. His one hundred and four-degree temperature rendered him lethargic and dehydrated. I wanted to get him out of his wet clothes immediately. The letters on the kitchen counter caught my attention – a letter from Rutgers was on top. I grabbed all the envelopes and went upstairs.
“You got a letter from Ohio State,” Mom yelled from the living room.
I wrapped Joshua in a towel and, still soaking wet, I opened the Ohio State letter. “I got in, I got in!” I yelled so loud it frightened Joshua and he began to cry.
Mom was at the door when I turned around. “I got in Mom, I got in!”
“I knew you would,” she said hugging me. “Congratulations.”
“Are you really happy for me?”
“Of course. You know I am.”
“But?”
“Now you’ll be leaving,” she said half smiling. “You and Joshua.”
“Mom, you knew we couldn’t stay forever.”
She took Joshua from me. “Sure you could have, but I know you need to go.”
The front door closed. “Guess I’ll have to tell him,” I whispered to Mom.
“I’ll get Joshua dressed.” She turned away from me and put Josh on the bed.
“I don’t have to tell him right now,” I whispered in protest still holding the acceptance letter in my hand.
Mom glanced over her shoulder and gave me one of those looks.
“Okay, okay.” I started down the steps, practicing in my mind what to say.
He was standing at the counter reading the mail. His suit pants were perfectly creased even though they had to be wet. The rainwater beaded on top of his shoeshine. It was as if the rain did not dare to touch him.
“Gotta minute?” I asked leaning on the counter.
“Uh huh.” He replied without looking at me.
I took a deep breath and blurted out, “I got into grad school.”
“Congratulations.” Still no eye contact.
“Ohio State,” I added.
“That’s a long commute.” He was being cynical.
“I’m moving to Columbus.”
“This is the first I’ve heard anything about this.” He finally looked at me.
“My acceptance letter came today. I’ll be leaving in August.”
“Isn’t that good news?” Mom interrupted from the top of the stairs. She was in my listening spot!
“I’m happy for you Danielle.” His tone was flat. “I didn’t know you wanted to go to grad school.”
“Thanks.” I tried not to sound patronizing.
Over the next few weeks I second-guessed my decision to leave. I had no idea of what Mom would do without me. She often appeared depressed and I felt guilty taking her joy, her grandson, away from her. I thought about Nana. Sometimes we may think we can’t live without people, but we go on. I would go on and Mom would go on, too.
“Mom, we’re going shopping,” I told her early one Saturday afternoon at the end of March.
She pretended to be engrossed in the crossword puzzle and looked up at me over her glasses. “Why don’t you call Rhonda?”
“Because I want you to go. You can pick an outfit for Josh’s first birthday party.”
“I can’t believe he’ll be one already.” She finally smiled.
“And, I couldn’t have done it without you.” I hugged her as she got up from the table.
The Saturday afternoon sun peeked through the clouds to confirm that spring was right around the corner and even the temperature warmed up to forty-five degrees. I had taken my camera along and many memories were captured that day as we went through the mall, walked in the park and went to eat. Mom was happy and she laughed with her grandson and me. I saw a glimpse of the Judy that Nana told me about a long time ago – the carefree Judy that always smiled and carried a song in her heart.
Joshua’s birthday party was the following Saturday afternoon. It was another bright sunny day and the buds on the annuals in the yard were preparing to bloom. Four of his playmates from the church nursery came to the party and my cousins surprised us. They arrived just after one o’clock with a carload of balloons, toys and a delivery slip for a racing car bed. It was a perfect day – plenty of memories and plenty of film.
By the time I put Joshua down for a nap at four o’clock, he went right to sleep. If Andrea hadn’t surprised me with tickets to Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, I would have taken a nap, too.
“Hurry up, girl,” Alicia whispered, peeking in the door. “Show starts at eight.”
“I just need to jump in the shower when Andrea gets out. I know what I’m wearing.”
“I thought you were in here trying to take a nap with the baby,” she teased.
“No, just getting his pajamas ready for tonight.”
Mom came into the room. “Go get yourself together. I know what to do.”
“I know Mom.” I put his pajamas on the dresser. “Thanks, again.”
We ran into traffic at the Holland Tunnel and by the time we parked it was seven-forty. We made a mad dash to the Royale Theatre and made it to our seats just as the lights were dimming.
At intermission, Andrea and I went to look at souvenirs in the lobby while Alicia went to the restroom.
“Annie, I really appreciate the treat,” I smiled at her.
“You deserve it,” she smiled back at me. “They say the first year is the hardest and you did it.”
“Danielle.” The voice was familiar. It was Tony. Almost three years had passed since he visited me at Penn State. He hugged me and I remembered his touch. “How are you?”
“Good,” I said hugging him back. “How are you?”
“Good, things are good. What brings you here?”
“Dreamcoat, and my cousins. Andrea this is Tony.” I introduced them. “What are you up to these days?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know.
“This is my fiancée Cathy.” He introduced us to the woman who walked up behind me. “Cathy, this is Danielle and, is it Andrea?”
“Hi,” I turned to shake her hand. “Congratulations.”
“I know you’ve got a husband somewhere.” He warmly smiled as he held Cathy’s hand.
“No, not yet. I’m happy for you,” I lied. “I wish you the best. Nice meeting you Cathy.” I walked away and Andrea followed.
“Girl, who was that fine man?”
“Someone I met in West Virginia.” I tried to sound blasé.
“That’s more than just someone,” she teased.
“He should have been,” I confessed, “but I blew it.”
“Girl, what?”
“Its’ a long story I’ll probably always regret,” I told her. “Let’s not spoil the night, he’s no longer available.”
The next few months were spent writing letters and making calls to secure housing and childcare at Ohio State. I called so often that I befriended a grad student working in the off-campus housing office named Denise. She was extremely helpful in finding me an apartment I could afford. I couldn’t wait to actually meet her.
By June my living and daycare arrangements were settled. Denise sent pictures of my apartment with the name and phone number of the landlord. Mrs. Emma Thompson was a widow who had the second floor of her home renovated into an apartment. Her daughter had moved out almost a year ago after getting married. I called to tell Ms. Emma about Josh and she said she was looking forward to having a baby around. I hoped she wasn’t just trying to be nice, Joshua wasn’t noisy, but he was busy.
My next hurdle was furniture. My time had been so absorbed in securing housing and daycare that I hadn’t thought about anything to put in my apartment. Joshua had his bedroom so he would be okay. Mom gave me my bedroom set and the breakfast dinette, which took care of somewhere to eat and sleep. Those were the essentials
and I would worry about the rest later. Time was moving quickly – it was already July.
The movers came on an overcast August morning and loaded our bedrooms, the dinette, all of Joshua’s toys and our clothes. Watching them pull out of the driveway made it real – I was leaving the following Saturday. The wisdom seeds would need to be well rooted and growing; I was really going to need them. Being on my own and responsible for my son would require me to have good wits about myself.
Rhonda and I met for dinner after church on Sunday. The debt of appreciation was truly mine and my words were inadequate to thank her for everything she had been and done. At the age of twenty-one, she taught me about friendship and fashion. Totally conservative is how Rhonda described the way I dressed. All my gifts from her added color to the earth tones that controlled my closet. Orange, gold, red and lime were now among my favorite colors. I was wearing the orange shell Rhonda had given me for Christmas. She was wearing a lime green dress. We looked like LifeSavers!
We cried more than we ate, but we laughed a lot, too. Over the past two years we had shared good times that would bind our friendship forever. Joshua was lucky to have her for a Godmother.
“Thank you for everything,” I said handing her a gift bag. “You’ll never know how much I appreciate you.”
“The pleasure has been mine.” She took my hand. “Just promise me distance won’t. . .”
“It won’t do anything,” I interrupted her. “I promise.”
“And I will be coming to Columbus,” she said smiling.
My bottom lip began to quiver. “I’m expecting it.”
She began to open the gift.
“You know, Rhon, I’m so sorry we didn’t hang out in high school. You’re the best friend I always wanted.”
“You probably wouldn’t have liked me much then, I didn’t really like myself too much,” she confessed.
“Then we would have had that in common, I didn’t like me either.”
“You didn’t act out like I did.” She paused and I sat allowing her to finish. “I messed up in school to get back at my dad for leaving us. I lied to my mom because she wouldn’t stop loving my dad. I smoked weed and drank to numb my feelings. I was a mess.”
“Rhon, I’m so sorry, I never knew.” I squeezed her hand and before I knew it I was telling her about the hell I had lived. “I wasn’t happy, it was all about approval from my dad. I knew everyone talked about my family because of my brothers and I knew everyone thought I was corny. I didn’t have any friends, Rhon.” I couldn’t stop the tears. “I was lonely and superficial with everyone. I was so afraid someone would find out what really went on behind the Allen doors, afraid they would find out how miserable everyone was. I was paranoid that people just wanted gossip and would use me to get it so I pretended to be happy in a world of my own – I was miserable.”
“You always looked so happy,” Rhonda stated through her own tears.
“It was a mask I learned to wear from my mother.” I wiped my eyes with my hand.
“You wore it well.” She handed me a Kleenex. “And you maintained your grades in the National Honor Society. Me, I was the queen of the DT society.”
“The DT society?” I inquired, still wiping my face.
“Yeah,” she faked a smile. “The Dick Teaser society - until Carlton won the bet that he’d be the first to have sex with me.” She turned away and buried her face in her hands. “I never planned on the pregnancy.” I sat next to her and put my arm around her. I listened intently because her words were barely audible between her sobs. “On the day I went to tell him, he told me it was just a bet. All the guys laughed and cheered him on – he had dethroned me. I never told him I was pregnant. My Aunt Veda let me use her medical card to get an abortion in Philly. I went on a drinking binge for about two weeks and then my dad died.”
“I remember.” I searched my purse for a tissue because I had used her last one. “It was a horrible accident.”
“I knew then I had to get it together. I didn’t want to end up like him wrapped around a telephone pole.” Rhonda wiped her face. “I wanted to start over so I decided to go to college.”
“I’m sorry I missed the funeral.”
“It was sheer drama.” She tried to smile. “I made a fool of myself acting like the girl in Imitation of Life standing at the graveside, sorry I couldn’t remember the last time I told my dad I loved him.”
We cried and I remembered what Nana said – tears were growing me. And they were – I had a true friend, I was on my way to grad school and I was becoming a person I liked.
I was packing up the last of Joshua’s clothes when Mom came into the room. “You need to go to bed, you have a long drive ahead of you in the morning.”
“Mom, I’m nervous,” I confessed putting my head on her shoulder. “What am I going to do without you?”
“You’re going to get your Master’s Degree and make a life for you and your son – just like you planned.”
“Will you stay with me for the first year?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“No, but I’ll be out to visit Labor Day weekend – just like I promised.” She kissed my forehead. “Now go on down to the game room and get some sleep.”
Mom had pulled out the heavy old sofa bed. I was too tired to go back upstairs and thank her. Joshua was spread out in the middle so I stretched out across the bottom.
The morning came quickly and rays from the sun peered through the curtains to announce the beginning of my new life. I looked over at Joshua as I lay there thinking Mom was right – everyone needs family and I was taking Joshua away from the only family he may ever have. I wanted my dad to ask me to stay even though I knew I had to leave.
Rhonda came by to see us off and helped me load the last of my stuff. All my belongings that hadn’t left on the truck were now packed in my Chevette. I hugged Rhonda and promised to call when I got settled. My hands trembled as I reached to take Joshua out of my mother’s arms. I hugged her while she held my son.
“I love you Mom,” I told her, unable to hold back the tears. “Thanks for everything.”
“You’re going to be alright,” she said trying not to cry, too. “I love you, baby girl. Promise me you won’t be a stranger with my grandson. Remember this is always home.”
“I know,” I cried. “I’m so scared of being by myself.”
“You’re not alone.” Mom wiped my face with her hand. “God is watching over you.” She began to sing Nana’s favorite song, “If God’s eye is on the sparrow, then I know He’s watching over you.” Her voice was beautiful.
My dad unexpectantly interrupted us. “Danielle, we need to have a word of prayer before you get on the road.” He took my hand and motioned Rhonda to join us. “Dear Lord,” my dad’s voice lightened, “bless my daughter and my grandson, Joshua. Lord, guide her down the highway, dispense your angels of mercy to go with her and place your hedge of protection around her. Lord God open doors for her in Columbus, place Godly people in her path. Lord I’m asking you to make her heart fertile ground.” It sounded like my dad’s voice quivered. “Lord, I’ve claimed her soul for you – my daughter will be saved.”
Completely overwhelmed by him calling me his daughter and recognizing Joshua as his grandson, I hugged my dad for the first time in years. I wept in the comfort of his strong arms. There was so much that needed to be said – grateful for the moment, I just smiled. Nana was watching from Heaven’s balcony and smiling, too.
“I love you, Daddy,” I told him, not wanting him to let me go.
“I love you, too.” He wiped the tears from my face with his handkerchief. Then he took Joshua from my mom and gave him a hug. “You be a good boy for your mom.” It was the first time he hugged his grandson.
I hugged everyone again before putting Joshua in the car. Driving off, I waved out the window while Joshua blew kisses. I cried until I reached the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Saying good-bye was the hardest part of leaving.
My life starte
d over nine hours later when I arrived in Columbus. I called Denise from a gas station and we met so she could show me how to get to my apartment on Sullivant Avenue. Living on the West Side of Columbus would be a twenty-five minute commute but Denise rationalized the rent was cheaper.
“Welcome!” Ms. Emma greeted me as I walked up her steps. “Welcome to Columbus.”
“Thank you,” I said hugging her.
Denise introduced us. “Ms. Emma, this is Danielle and Joshua Allen.”
“Come on in, let me get your keys for you,” Ms. Emma smiled. “And I made dinner. I knew you’d be hungry.”
I was more tired than hungry and just wanted to sit down. The movers wouldn’t be delivering my furniture until Monday and I still had to blow up my air mattress so we would have somewhere to sit and sleep. Ms. Emma took us to the side door and showed me the apartment upstairs. It was a small two bedroom with a living room, dining room combo and a kitchen. The bathroom was inside a little dressing room. It was cute. It was my first apartment. I thanked Ms. Emma as we walked back to the car to get my things. Joshua sat on the porch with her while Denise helped me unpack the car. After several trips, I thanked them both and finally took Joshua upstairs to our new home.
Joshua adjusted to the University Day Care better than I anticipated. On his first day, when I was extremely nervous, he smiled and waved bye without a second thought. When I arrived to pick him up at noon, he didn’t want to leave. That was good for him, but I wished he were a little clingy and crying at least during the first few days. My maternal instincts wanted him to need me.
During my first week in Columbus my mornings were spent looking for a job and my experience in Pittsburgh was an asset. I was offered two positions and took the one at the Neighborhood Youth and Family Center. It was near the University and offered more flexibility. Not sure of how I would fit studying into single parenthood, I needed the flexibility in my job schedule without weekends being required. My weeks would be long and the weekend would have to be divided between Joshua and studying. At least, that was the plan.
The waiting list for parking permits was ridiculously long so I left my car at the daycare every day. Having nice legs was my motivation as I walked across campus. At the end of three weeks, I felt thinner and looked forward to wearing some of the fall favorites that had been neatly packed in my old trunk.
Wisdom Seeds Page 10
