I silently walked to the couch and sat down.
“How in the hell do you know Sylvester?” She asked following me to the couch. Her question was more rhetorical than inquisitive.
“I never knew his name was Sylvester. He introduced himself as Greg,” I said through tears that rolled freely down my face.
“Sylvester Gregory Henderson, the Casanova Liar,” Sheila stated flatly. “How do you know him?”
“He’s Josh’s father,” I blurted out, interrupting her.
“He’s what?” Sheila was dumbfounded.
“I was an intern at Western Psych when he was a resident. We had a summer relationship, or I thought it was a relationship. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. When I got pregnant he told me he was married and wanted me to have an abortion. I haven’t seen him since I was about three months pregnant.” I was rambling, but I needed to say it all. “When I married Jason, he adopted Josh.”
Sheila sat back on the couch, moving her hands, but unable to speak.
“I’m sorry I never told you everything about me. It’s the secret I’ve been keeping for years.” My shame wouldn’t let me look at her. She sat motionless and I needed her to say or do something. “Don’t hate me.” My voice was pleading as I finally found the courage to look at her.
“Dani, don’t say that. I don’t hate you. I’m uh,” she was lost for words. “I’m just, I don’t know what I am.”
We sat in silence.
“Sylvester is Josh’s father?” Sheila repeated.
“Yeah.”
“And Josh doesn’t know and Sylvester has never seen Josh?”
“Yeah.” My heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest.
“He stopped by to give me a check for Shae’s tuition. I thought he was Doug – I opened the door and it was Sylvester. He said he didn’t mail it because he was going to be in town and didn’t think I’d mind if he just showed up.”
“How’s Shae?” I asked needing to talk about something other than me.
“She’ll be okay, I took her to Amber’s. She wants to know if you’re okay.”
“Sheila this is such a mess. But, it’s like a weight off me. I’ve kept this secret for years.”
“The truth does set you free.” Sheila paused, then took my hand. “This web includes more than us. What about the kids?”
A wave of panic hit me. “I’ve got to call Josh.”
“I’m calling Syd tonight.” Sheila’s voice was almost a whisper. “Let me show you the letter she gave me yesterday.” She took the letter from her purse and read part of it, “I really like Josh more than I ever told anyone. I can’t keep pretending that all I want is to be his friend. When he comes up for the football game I’m going to tell him how I really feel.” Sheila looked at me over the top of the letter. “I’ve got to call her tonight. Josh will be arriving at Alicia’s in the morning.”
I hugged her and we cried together – for ourselves, each other and our children. Before she left, we said a prayer and asked God to help us get through this.
After Sheila drove off I called Andrea. It was almost eleven-thirty.
“Can I come over?” I tried to disguise the panic in my voice “I need to talk to you.”
“Right now?” Andrea was taken aback. “Are you okay? What’s the matter?”
“Please Annie, can I just come over?”
“Come on, I’ll put on hot water.” Andrea believed that a cup of tea was a cure all.
When Andrea opened the door I began to cry.
“Dani, what happened? Is Josh okay?”
I couldn’t get a word out.
“Dani!” Andrea had that maternal stern voice and she was shaking me by the arms.
“I saw Greg.”
“Where? When? Did he come to your house?”
“He was at Sheila’s. He’s her ex-husband. His real name is Sylvester.”
Andrea quickly put the pieces together. “You’ve got to call Josh.” She said trying to sound calm.
“I know. I just don’t know what to say.” I felt even more pathetic than I sounded.
“You have to tell him the truth.” Andrea was always the voice of reason. “He may be a little angry at first, but he loves you and he’s a little more mature – you’ll work it out.”
“It just never goes away, Annie, it won’t go away.”
The phone rang interrupting my pity party.
“Hey Sheila,” I heard Andrea saying. “Yeah, that’s fine. Come on.”
“Sheila’s on her way over,” she said hanging up. “She talked to Sydney. We need to pray when she gets here.”
Andrea disappeared into the kitchen. Harvey came downstairs and I could hear them talking. I felt bad intruding on them.
“It’s going to be okay.” Harvey hugged me after he put the teacups on the table. “We don’t always understand the whys – just remember that God is still in control.”
Andrea gave me a warm washcloth to wipe my face. “You can’t fall apart, Dani.” She sat next to me. “You’ll deal with this. Harvey and I are here for you and Josh. You have Sheila and most importantly, your son loves you very much.”
The doorbell rang and I knew it was Sheila. My heart raced because as bad as I wanted to know about her conversation, I didn’t want to know how much my secret hurt Syd.
“First we need to pray,” Andrea said leading Sheila into the living room. I stood to join their hands.
“Lord we’re calling on you. We need your divine guidance. Help us get through this storm. Touch everyone that’s involved. Lord touch Dani, Sheila, Josh and Sydney. Lord give them all what they need. Use me as your vessel. Help me to help them. Amen.”
“She was devastated,” Shelia said before we sat down. “Nothing I said mattered.”
I hugged Sheila. “I’m so sorry.” I began to cry again. “This is all my fault.”
“Have you called Josh yet?” Shelia asked, wiping her face.
“There was no answer.” I paused and bit my lip, “I’ll call back in the morning.”
“Sydney promised she wouldn’t call him.”
We talked until after three in the morning. Andrea invited us to stay and we pulled out the sofa bed in the game room.
“If only life really had happy endings all the time,” I said out loud.
Sheila didn’t respond.
It was almost seven o’clock and I jumped up realizing the need to speak with Alicia before I talked to Josh. Dennis answered the phone. Alicia was in the shower and Dennis said he would have her call me. When she called I blurted everything out. Alicia never said a word.
“Sydney already knows so I have to talk to him before he talks to her,” I said breaking the silence.
“I’ll have him call you,” was all Alicia said before hanging up.
Harvey was making coffee and peeked his head in to ask if we wanted a cup. I shook my head no. Sheila did, too. She had already called Shae to let her know she was on her way to pick her up. I hugged her and apologized, again. She kept saying it was going to be okay.
After Sheila left I thanked Andrea and Harvey for everything before leaving. A part of me wanted to miss Josh’s call and I drove home the long way.
While the coffee dripped, I tried to think of what to say. The pot seemed to fill slowly and I paced in the kitchen. I poured the coffee into my biggest mug before realizing there was only a teaspoon of coffee cream. I left the cup on the counter and sat on the couch with my head back and my eyes closed. The phone rang. It was nine forty-seven. I assumed it was Sheila because I wanted to believe that Alicia couldn’t be back from the train station.
“Hello.” I reluctantly answered the phone.
“Hey, Mom.” Josh’s voice was cheerful. “You tracked me down!”
I had no words.
“Mom?” The tone in his voice changed to concern. “Mom, are you alright?”
“Oh, uh, hey baby.” The air was getting thin. “How are you?”
“I’m fine M
om, what’s the matter?”
“Josh, I uh, we need to talk.”
“Mom, what’s the matter?” He spoke quickly.
“Josh sit down.”
“Is Nana okay?”
“Yes, Josh. This is about me and you.”
“Mom what are you talking about? Don’t tell me you’re going to Atlanta to be with Mr. Isaac.”
“Josh, please just listen.” I needed to be able to say it all at once.
“Okay Mom, what’s going on?”
“Josh you know how much I love you?”
“Of course. What’s going on?” He was agitated.
“Josh when I graduated from college I had an internship at Pitt. My boyfriend’s name was Greg. He told me he loved me. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me he was already married. He wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn’t do it.” I rambled without taking a breath.
“Do I have a brother or sister that you gave up for adoption?” He was trying to process the information.
I took a deep breath and blurted out the rest. “No, Josh, the baby was you and Greg’s real name is Sylvester Gregory Henderson and he’s Sheila’s ex husband.”
“What? No! Uh uh. Ms. Sheila’s ex-husband?”
“I haven’t seen him since I was three months pregnant. I met Jason in grad school when you were one and he adopted you after we got married.”
He interrupted me. “Syd is not my sister!”
“Yes, Josh, she is.”
“You let me fall in love with my sister. You’ve been lying to me my whole life. Mom, how could you do that? What about love and trust and all that stuff?”
“Josh, I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t know any of this until yesterday!”
I heard the phone hit the floor and Alicia picked it up. She was crying. “Dani, he ran out of the house. Dennis went after him.”
The weight of it all crushed me and I crumbled to the floor desperately trying to take a breath. “Oh, Alicia, what have I done?”
“Let me check on Josh, I’ll call you back.”
The bare hardwood floor was cold. My body shivered. Why had Jason died? If he were still alive we would be living in Columbus. Why had Isaac left me? I needed somebody. “God where are you?” I whimpered. “I’m trying to have faith. What am I supposed to do now?”
The phone rang, but I couldn’t move. It was Sheila; I heard her voice on the answering machine. She was calling to check on me. No more lies, I wasn’t okay. My son hated me. There was nothing to talk about. I had failed. Andrea called. Alicia called. Sheila called again. From the corner of my eye, I watched the puddle of tears grow larger. I wanted to jump in and drown.
Sheila and Andrea were kneeling beside me.
“Are you okay?” Sheila’s hand was on my forehead. “Did you fall?”
The pain in my head was paralyzing. I mouthed no as tears rolled across my face.
Sheila helped me onto the couch.
Andrea was in the kitchen filling the tea kettle with water.
I tried to smile, but my head felt like I had been hit with a hammer. The sound of the spoon clanging on the cup in the kitchen echoed in my ears and I closed my eyes.
“Girl, don’t do this.” Sheila was sitting beside me. It sounded like she was crying. “You gotta pull it together. We’ll make it through. All of us. I promise.”
Unable to verbally acknowledge her, I put my head on her shoulder and held her hand.
It was after two o’clock when I woke up. There was a pot of chicken noodle soup on the stove and a note on the refrigerator instructing me to call Andrea’s cell phone as soon as I read the note.
“Hey, Annie.” I spoke slightly above a whisper because my headache was lingering.
“Dani, I am so worried about you. You’re scaring me and I don’t know how to help you.” I could hear the anxiety in her voice. “I’m waiting for Corey to come out of the dentist office. Harvey should be home by six and then I’ll be back.”
“You don’t have to. I’ll be okay.”
She ignored me. “Sheila took Shae to her parents, she might get there before me.”
“I’ll be fine,” I repeated.
“Dani, take the ‘S’ off your chest. Let us help you.” Andrea paused and I heard her sigh. “Gotta go, here comes Corey. Eat something. See you in a few.”
There were only three Motrin’s in the bottle. I took all of them. Not knowing what else to do, I took Jason’s last letter from under my mattress and sat on my bed. I knew what the letter said – I read it again anyway.
February 14, 1997
My Dearest Danielle,
To my one in a million chance of a lifetime. Life has shown me compassion and sent to me a stroke of luck called you – a one in a million you. If only I could write as well as Larry Graham could sing!
As I look back over our lives together I can only thank God. He gave me you and a wonderful son. I have loved Josh since we met and I couldn’t love him more if he was biologically mine. I pray you have felt loved and I pray that Josh has felt loved and nurtured. I hope he always knows I did my very best.
I know I don’t have long now, but I will cherish every memory. I only regret that it’s much too soon. I want to see our son graduate from high school, go on to college, get married and have a family of his own. I would have been a good Pappy. I also regret not having the chance to sit with him man to man and explain the adoption. I needed to let him know the word adoption is just a legal term but the love in my heart has always been genuine. One day when he has children of his own, show this letter to him, he will understand.
Well my sweet, I am getting tired. I know this isn’t the kind of love letter you were expecting but I had to tell you this now, I needed to make sure that you knew. If this is my last letter, know that it is sealed with all my hopes and dreams, love and kisses. Forever yours, Jason.
It was the last Valentine letter Jason wrote me. I held it over my heart. Josh needed to read the letter.
Xeroxing the letter was the first thing I did Monday morning. I scribbled a note on the back of the copy before placing it in the envelope:
‘Josh, I know you’re angry. I was young and did what I thought was best for both of us. Read this letter from your dad. Please call me, we need to talk. Love you much, Mom.’
Over the next week it was a chore to get up and I welcomed being busy at school. Everyday I raced home to check the answering machine needing to hear Josh’s voice on the other end of the line. Everyday there were no messages.
The phone startled me when it rang Friday evening.
It wasn’t Josh, but Sheila’s voice was a pleasant surprise. “Hey girl.”
“Hey.” The stress had rendered me lethargic.
“Shae is spending the weekend with Amber. I’ll be over around eight.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I needed an excuse to maintain my pity and solitude. “What about Doug?”
“The question is what about you? Don’t shut me out Dani, I’m here for you.”
“I’m sorry, I uh, I’m going to be terrible company. I should probably be alone.”
“Wrong answer! You don’t need to be alone! How long are you going to sit at home waiting by the phone?”
I was silent. At that moment I was willing to wait forever.
“You didn’t go to Bible Study on Wednesday and I’ll bet you haven’t been out of the house except for going to work any day this week!”
“You’re right,” I whispered.
“I know I’m right. And I’m not letting you beat yourself up like this anymore.”
“You’re supposed to be going over wedding plans with your parents.”
“Dani, right now you need a friend, and I’m all you got. I’ll see you in a few.”
She hung up and I tried to make myself laugh. Sheila was fussing and she hated fussing. She was right. I wasn’t in this by myself and I needed a friend. I was thankful she was coming.
Sheila picked up a pizza from Vento’s. We ate
the whole thing and drowned our sorrows in cream soda. As I sat back on the couch like a rat that had eaten too much, Sheila kicked off her shoes and put her feet up on the coffee table.
“I talked to Syd this morning,” she began without looking at me. “You’ll never guess what she did.”
My heart palpitated as I made eye contact with her. “What did she do?”
“She called Sylvester and asked him to come down so he could meet Josh.”
“Are you serious?” I sat up and looked at Sheila. “Girl, I have to go to North Carolina.”
“No.” Sheila was very matter of fact. “We have to go to North Carolina. I told Syd to let me know when her dad planned to visit them.”
Another week passed and there was no call from Josh. Each of my attempts to call him resulted in my talking to the answering machine that I now regretted buying. My ulcer had emerged in full force. Everything I ate made me feel like my stomach was on fire and my chest was going to explode. I was alternating between Tums and Maalox.
Monday, day sixteen, and still no call and no message from Josh. The one message on my machine was from Sheila. I changed my clothes and was getting comfortable on the couch when the phone rang.
“Did you get my message? Sheila’s tone was stern.
I sat up and put my hand on my forehead. I was afraid of any news she had for me. “Sheila, is everything okay?”
“Yeah girl.” She spoke quickly. “We’re going to North Carolina Saturday morning. We need to leave about six – Sylvester is meeting the kids for dinner in Raleigh.”
My mind couldn’t handle the possibility of confronting Greg and Josh at the same time. I moaned into the receiver.
“Take a deep breath.” Sheila’s voice was calm. “We’re going to get this taken care of.”
I promised to call her later that evening. I called Andrea to let her know what was going on and then I called Alicia to see if we could stay with her. She had already talked to Josh and was meeting him at the train station Saturday afternoon.
On Wednesday, Andrea came to get me for Bible Study and I was curled up on the couch unable to move. She took me to the emergency room and I was given a cocktail of Maalox and Lidocain. The doctor sent me home with a prescription for Pepcid. I wanted to call off on Thursday and Friday, but doing something other than staying at home thinking about the mess I created was essential to my mental stability. I contemplated calling my mom, then changed my mind. I wanted to call Isaac, just to hear his voice – I was afraid I would only cry.
Wisdom Seeds Page 24
