Now, as then, he kept busy with work at his office in the city and dutifully accepted invitations for lunch and dinner there and in New Canaan. Nights were a prolonged torment: he was haunted by the realisation that Anthea had been extinguished, a spent match pinched between one’s fingers. He thought of Houdini, arch-rationalist of another century, who desired proof of a spirit world he desperately wanted to believe in. Jeffrey believed in nothing, yet if there had been a drug to twist his neurons into some synaptic impersonation of faith, he would have taken it.
For the past month he’d devoted most of his time to packing up the house, donating Anthea’s clothes to various charity shops, deciding what to store and what to sell, what to divvy up among nieces and nephews, Anthea’s sister, a few close friends. Throughout he experienced grief as a sort of low-grade flu, a persistent, inescapable ache that suffused not just his thoughts but his bones and tendons: a throbbing in his temples, black sparks that distorted his vision; an acrid chemical taste in the back of his throat, as though he’d bitten into one of the pills his doctor had given him to help him sleep.
He watched as the realtor drove off soundlessly, returned to the garage and transferred the plastic bin of Christmas lights into his own car, to drop off at a neighbour’s the following weekend. He put the tin box with the letters on the seat beside him. As he pulled out of the driveway, it began to snow.
*
That night, he sat at the dining table in the Brooklyn loft and opened the candy tin. Inside were five letters, each bearing the same stamp: RETURN TO SENDER. At the bottom of the tin was a locket on a chain, cheap gold-coloured metal and chipped red enamel circled by tiny fake pearls. He opened it: it was empty. He examined it for an engraved inscription, initials, a name, but there was nothing. He set it aside and turned to the letters.
All were postmarked 1971 - February, March, April, July, end of August - all addressed to the same person at the same address, carefully spelled out in Anthea’s swooping schoolgirl’s hand.
Mr Robert Bennington
Golovenna Farm,
Padwithiel,
Cornwall
Love letters? He didn’t recognise the name Robert Bennington. Anthea would have been thirteen in February; her birthday was in May. He moved the envelopes across the table, as though performing a card trick. His heart pounded, which was ridiculous. He and Anthea had told each other about everything - three-ways at university, coke-fuelled orgies during the 1980s, affairs and flirtations throughout their marriage.
None of that mattered now; little of it had mattered then. Still his hands shook as he opened the first envelope. A single sheet of onionskin was inside. He unfolded it gingerly and smoothed it on the table.
His wife’s handwriting hadn’t changed much in forty years. The same cramped cursive, each i so heavily dotted in black ink that the pen had almost poked through the thin paper. Anthea had been English, born and raised in North London. They’d met at the University of London; where they were both studying, and moved to New Canaan after they’d married. It was an area that Anthea had often said reminded her of the English countryside, though Jeffrey had never ventured outside London, other than a few excursions to Kent and Brighton. Where was Padwithiel?
21 February, 1971
Dear Mr Bennington,
My name is Anthea Ryson…
And would a thirteen-year-old girl address her boyfriend as ‘Mr’, even forty years ago?
… I am thirteen years old and live in London. Last year my friend Evelyn let me read Still the Seasons for the first time and since then I have read it two more times, also Black Clouds over Bragmoor and The second Sun. They are my favourite books! I keep looking for more but the library here doesn’t have them. I have asked and they said I should try the shops but that is expensive. My teacher said that sometimes you come to schools and speak, I hope some day you’ll come to Islington Day School. Are you writing more books about Tisha and the great Battle? I hope so, please write back! My address is 42 Highbury Fields, London NW1.
Very truly yours,
Anthea Ryson
Jeffrey set aside the letter and gazed at the remaining four envelopes. What a prick, he thought. He never even wrote her back. He turned to his laptop and Googled Robert Bennington.
Robert Bennington (1932- ), British author of a popular series of children’s fantasy novels published during the 1960s known as ‘The Sun Battles’. Bennington’s books rode the literary tidal wave generated by J.R.R. Tolkien’s work, but his commercial and critical standing were irrevocably shaken in the late 1990s when he became the centre of a drawn-out court case involving charges of paedophilia and sexual assault, with accusations lodged against him by several girl fans, now adults. One of the alleged victims later changed her account and the case was eventually dismissed amidst much controversy by child advocates and women’s rights groups. Bennington’s reputation never recovered: school libraries refused to keep his books on their shelves. All of his novels are now out of print, although digital editions (illegal) can be found, along with used copies of the four books in the ‘Battles’ sequence …
Jeffrey’s neck prickled. The court case didn’t ring a bell, but the books did. Anthea had thrust one upon him shortly after they first met.
‘These were my favourites.’ She rolled over in bed and pulled a yellowed paperback from a shelf crowded with textbooks and Penguin editions of the mystery novels she loved. ‘I must have read this twenty times.’
‘Twenty?’ Jeffrey raised an eyebrow.
‘Well, maybe seven. A lot. Did you ever read them?’
‘I never even heard of them.’
‘You have to read it. Right now.’ She nudged him with her bare foot. ‘You can’t leave here till you do.’
‘Who says I want to leave?’ He tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away.
‘Uh uh. Not till you read it. I’m serious!’
So he’d read it, staying up till 3:00 a.m., intermittently dozing off before waking with a start to pick up the book again.
‘It gave me bad dreams,’ he said as grey morning light leaked through the narrow window of Anthea’s flat. ‘I don’t like it.’
‘I know.’ Anthea laughed. ‘That’s what I liked about them - they always made me feel sort of sick.’
Jeffrey shook his head adamantly. ‘I don’t like it,’ he repeated.
Anthea frowned, finally shrugged, picked up the book and dropped it onto the floor. ‘Well, nobody’s perfect,’ she said, and rolled on top of him.
A year or so later he did read Still the Seasons, when a virus kept him in bed for several days and Anthea was caught up with research at the British Library. The book unsettled him deeply. There were no monsters per se, no dragons or Nazgul or witches, just two sets of cousins, two boys and two girls, trapped in a portal between one of those grim post-war English cities, Manchester or Birmingham, and a magical land that wasn’t really magical at all but even bleaker and more threatening than the council flats where the children lived.
Jeffrey remembered unseen hands tapping at a window, and one of the boys fighting off something invisible that crawled under the bedcovers and attacked in a flapping wave of sheets and blankets. Worst of all was the last chapter, which he read late one night and could never recall clearly, save for the vague, enveloping dread it engendered, something he had never encountered before or since.
Anthea had been right - the book had a weirdly visceral power, more like the effect of a low-budget black-and-white horror movie than a children’s fantasy novel. How many of those grown-up kids now knew their hero had been a paedophile?
Jeffrey spent a half-hour scanning articles on Bennington’s trial, none of them very informative. It had happened over a decade ago; since then there’d been a few dozen blog posts, pretty equally divided between Whatever happened to … ? and excoriations by women who had themselves been sexually abused, though not by Bennington.
He couldn’t imagine that had happened to Anthea. She’d c
ertainly never mentioned it, and she’d always been dismissive, even slightly callous, about friends who underwent counselling or psychotherapy for childhood traumas. As for the books themselves, he didn’t recall seeing them when he’d sorted through their shelves to pack everything up. Probably they’d been donated to a library book sale years ago, if they’d even made the crossing from London.
He picked up the second envelope. It was postmarked ‘March 18, 1971’. He opened it and withdrew a sheet of lined paper torn from a school notebook.
Dear Rob,
Well, we all got back on the train, Evelyn was in a lot of trouble for being out all night and of course we couldn’t tell her aunt why, her mother said she can’t talk, to me on the phone but I see her at school anyway so it doesn’t matter. I still can’t believe it all happened. Evelyn’s mother said she was going to call my mother and Moira’s but so far she didn’t. Thank you so much for talking to us. You signed Evelyn’s book but you forgot to sign mine. Next time!!!
Yours sincerely your friend,
Althea
Jeffrey felt a flash of cold through his chest. Dear Rob, I still can’t believe it all happened. He quickly opened the remaining envelopes, read first one then the next and finally the last.
12 April 1971
Dear Rob,
Maybe I wrote down your address wrong because the last letter I sent was returned. But I asked Moira and she had the same address and she said her letter wasn’t returned. Evelyn didn’t write yet but says she will, it was such a really, really great time to see you! Thank you again for the books, I thanked you in the last letter but thank you again. I hope you’ll write back this time, we still want to come again on holiday in July! I can’t believe it was exactly one month ago we were there.
Your friend,
Anthea Ryson
July 20, 1971
Dear Rob,
Well I still haven’t heard from, you so I guess you’re mad maybe or just forgot about me, ha ha. School is out now and I was wondering if you still wanted us to come and stay? Evelyn says we never could and her aunt would tell her mother but we could hitch-hike, also Evelyn’s brother Martin has a caravan, and he and his girlfriend are going to Wales for a festival and we thought they might give us a ride partway, he said maybe they would. Then we could hitch-hike the rest. The big news is Moira ran away front, home and they called the POLICE. Evelyn said she went without us to see you and she’s really mad. Moira’s boyfriend Peter is mad too.
If she is there with you is it okay if I come too? I could come alone without Evelyn, her mother Is a BITCH.
Please please write!
Althea (Ryson)
Dear Rob,
I hate you. I wrote FIVE LETTERS including this one and I know it is the RIGHT address. I think Moira went to your house without us. FUCK YOU. Tell her I hate her too and so does Evelyn. We never told anyone if she says we did she is a LIAR.
FUCK YOU. FUCK, YOU FUCK, YOU
Where a signature should have been, the page was ripped and blotched with blue ink - Anthea had scribbled something so many times the pen tore through the lined paper. Unlike the other four, this sheet was badly crumpled, as though she’d thrown it away then retrieved it. Jeffrey glanced at the envelope. The postmark read ‘August 28’. She’d gone back to school for the fall term, and presumably that had been the end of it.
Except, perhaps, for Moira, whoever she was. Evelyn would be Evelyn Thurlow, Anthea’s closest friend from her school days in Islington. Jeffrey had met her several times while at university, and Evelyn had stayed with them for a weekend in the early 1990s, when she was attending a conference in Manhattan. She was a flight-test engineer for a British defence contractor, living outside Cheltenham; she and Anthea would have hour-long conversations on their birthdays, planning a dream vacation together to someplace warm - Greece or Turkey or the Caribbean.
Jeffrey had emailed her about Anthea’s death, and they had spoken on the phone - Evelyn wanted to fly over for the funeral but was on deadline for a major government contract and couldn’t take the time off.
‘I so wish I could be there,’ she’d said, her voice breaking. ‘Everything’s just so crazed at the moment. I hope you understand…’
‘It’s okay. She knew how much you loved her. She was always so happy to hear from you.’
‘I know,’ Evelyn choked. ‘I just wish - I just wish I’d been able to see her again.’
Now he sat and stared at the five letters. The sight made him feel lightheaded and slightly queasy: as though he’d opened his closet door and found himself at the edge of a precipice, gazing down some impossible distance to a world made tiny and unreal. Why had she never mentioned any of this? Had she hidden the letters for all these years, or simply forgotten she had them? He knew it wasn’t rational; knew his response derived from his compulsive sense of order, what Anthea had always called his architect’s left brain.
‘Jeffrey would never even try to put a square peg into a round hole,’ she’d said once at a dinner party ‘He’d just design a new hole to fit it.’
He could think of no place he could fit the five letters written to Robert Bennington. After a few minutes, he replaced each in its proper envelope and stacked them atop each other. Then he turned back to his laptop, and wrote an email to Evelyn.
*
He arrived in Cheltenham two weeks later. Evelyn picked him up at the train station early Monday afternoon. He’d told her he was in London on business, spent the preceding weekend at a hotel in Bloomsbury and wandered the city, walking past the building where he and Anthea had lived right after university, before they moved to the US.
It was a relief to board the train and stare out the window at an unfamiliar landscape, suburbs giving way to farms and the gently rolling outskirts of the Cotswolds.
Evelyn’s husband, Chris, worked for one of the high-tech corporations in Cheltenham; their house was a rambling, expensively renovated cottage twenty minutes from the congested city centre.
‘Anthea would have loved these gardens,’ Jeffrey said, surveying swathes of narcissus already in bloom, alongside yellow primroses and a carpet of crocuses beneath an ancient beech. ‘Everything at home is still brown. We had snow a few weeks ago.’
‘It must be very hard, giving up the house.’ Evelyn poured him a glass of Medoc and sat across from him in the slate-floored conservatory.
‘Not as hard as staying would have been,’ Jeffrey raised his glass. ‘To old friends and old times.’
‘To Anthea,’ said Evelyn.
They talked into the evening, polishing off the Medoc and starting on a second bottle long before Chris arrived home from work. Evelyn was florid and heavyset, her unruly raven hair long as ever and braided into a single plait, thick and grey-streaked. She’d met her contract deadline just days ago and her dark eyes still looked hollowed from lack of sleep. Chris prepared dinner, lamb with mint and peas; their children were both off at university, so Jeffrey and Chris and Evelyn lingered over the table until almost midnight.
‘Leave the dishes,’ Chris said, rising. ‘I’ll get them in the morning.’ He bent to kiss the top of his wife’s head, then nodded at Jeffrey. ‘Good to see you, Jeffrey.’
‘Come on.’ Evelyn grabbed a bottle of Armagnac and headed for the conservatory. ‘Get those glasses, Jeffrey. I’m not going in till noon. Project’s done, and the mice will play.’
Jeffrey followed her, settling onto the worn sofa and placing two glasses on the side-table. Evelyn filled both, flopped into an armchair and smiled. ‘It is good to see you.’
‘And you.’
He sipped his Armagnac. For several minutes they sat in silence, staring out of the window at the garden, the narcissus and primroses faint gleams in the darkness. Jeffrey finished his glass, poured another and asked, ‘Do you remember someone named Robert Bennington?’
Evelyn cradled her glass against her chest. She gazed at Jeffrey for a long moment before answering. ‘The writer? Yes. I read his bo
oks when I was a girl. Both of us did - me and Anthea.’
‘But - you knew him. You met him, when you were thirteen. On vacation or something.’
Evelyn turned, her profile silhouetted against the window. ‘We did,’ she said at last, and turned back to him. ‘Why are you asking?’
‘I found some letters that Anthea wrote to him, back in 1971, after you and she and a girl named Moira saw him in Cornwall. Did you know he was a paedophile? He was arrested about fifteen years ago.’
‘Yes, I read about that. It was a big scandal.’ Evelyn finished her Armagnac and set her glass on the table. ‘Well, a medium-sized scandal. I don’t think many people even remembered who he was by then. He was a cult writer, really. The books were rather dark for children’s books.’
She hesitated. ‘Anthea wasn’t molested by him, if that’s what you’re asking about. None of us were. He invited us to tea - we invited ourselves, actually - he was very nice and let us come in and gave us Nutella sandwiches and tangerines.’
‘Three little teenyboppers show up at his door, I bet he was very nice,’ said Jeffrey. ‘What about Moira? What happened to her?’
‘I don’t know.’ Evelyn sighed. ‘No one ever knew. She ran away from home that summer. We never heard from her again.’
‘Did they question him? Was he even taken into custody?’
‘Of course they did!’ Evelyn said, exasperated. ‘I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I’m certain they did. Moira had a difficult home life; her parents were Irish and the father drank. And a lot of kids ran away back then, you know that - all us little hippies. What did the letters say, Jeffrey?’
He removed them from his pocket and handed them to her. ‘You can read them. He never did - they all came back to Anthea. Where’s Padwithiel?’
‘Near Zennor. My aunt and uncle lived there. We went and stayed with them during our school holidays one spring.’ She sorted through the envelopes, pulled out one and opened it, unfolding the letter with care. ‘February twenty-first. This was right before we knew we’d be going there for the holidays. It was my idea. I remember when she wrote this - she got the address somehow, and that’s how we realised he lived near my uncle’s farm. Padwithiel.’
A Book of Horrors - [Anthology] Page 35
