by Becky Harmon
“That’s awesome,” Sheila said excitedly. “Do you have plans for Christmas? We’d love to have you here.”
She thought about what she would like to be doing for the holiday and then groaned.
Sheila patted her back as she set their lunch on the table. “Don’t worry. We’ll leave it open. Try to make contact with her and see how that goes. We’ll understand if you go to visit her instead of joining us.” Sheila turned back to the table with their drinks. “Does she have a name?”
“Dex. Her name is Dex.”
“That’s an interesting name.”
“It’s a nickname. Diane Alexander is her real name. I’m not sure where Dex came from, but it might be a military nickname.”
“She was in the military? Cool.”
“Yes, an army pilot.”
“Well, I can’t wait to meet her,” Sheila said as she sat down across from Lucy. “Hey, did you see that emergency landing at LAX?”
“I did.”
“You weren’t on that plane, right?”
“No.”
“I bet you’ve been through stuff like that a lot.”
“Occasionally.”
Sheila deserved more than one-word answers. Unfortunately the previous conversation had pretty much drained all of her energy. She was pretty sure Sheila understood that because she didn’t ask any more questions.
They finished their lunch quickly and then went back outside. The day was cool, but the Florida sun was hot. Lucy rolled the short sleeves of her T-shirt up to her shoulders, hoping to avoid the dreaded farmer’s tan. She discovered quickly her job in the bathing of Bogarts was to entertain the donkey. The scrubbing of his body went quickly, but the brushing of his mane and tail seemed to be more painful. After watching Sheila move in circles chasing him, Lucy moved in and cradled his head.
“That’s working perfectly,” Sheila said. “I’d have suggested a carrot next.”
Bogarts’s ears twitched at the mention of a carrot and he began trying to check every pocket on Lucy’s pants.
“He knows what the word ‘carrot’ means, doesn’t he?” Lucy asked as she pushed his head away from her hip.
Sheila’s answer was a laugh. “You can grab one for him from the barn.”
When she came back with the carrot, Bogarts almost knocked her down trying to get to it. She held the larger end and let him gnaw on the other. By the time he had worked his way to her fingers, Sheila was almost finished with both his mane and his tail. She passed the remaining chunk of carrot to him and followed Sheila back to the barn.
“I have one more task, if you’re up for it.”
Lucy glanced at her watch. She still had about two hours until Dan would be ready to call it a day.
“Sure. Let’s hear it.”
Sheila passed Lucy a round plastic bowl. “Let’s pick some raspberries.”
Lucy frowned at her. “It’s December.”
“We have a small greenhouse across the pasture. I use it mainly for herbs and such, but this year we decided to plant raspberries and spinach.”
“That’s an interesting combination.”
“The raspberries were my pick and the spinach was Karen’s,” Sheila said, laughing. “Seems fitting, right? I’m sweet, and well, we’ll just leave it at that.”
They walked across the pasture to the small, enclosed greenhouse. Once they had filled both of their bowls, they returned to the house. Sheila handed her a small container of berries to take home with her.
“Thanks. I’ll eat these for dessert tonight.” Or maybe dinner, she thought, as she remembered her refrigerator was bare. At some point Dan would haul it away and bring her a brand-new one. She hadn’t wanted to deal with trying to keep a bunch of food cool.
She left Sheila peeling potatoes in the kitchen. Dan was loading the last of his equipment when she arrived back at her cabin.
“Oh good. You’re here,” he said when he saw her. “I called in reinforcements and we were able to finish the demolition and haul everything away. I’ll begin installing the cabinets first thing in the morning. Sorry, but you don’t have a stove or refrigerator right now. I put everything from the fridge in a cooler and it’s in your bathroom. One of the guys picked up some ice for you so it should stay cool until we get the new fridge installed tomorrow. I expect we’ll be finished in a day or so.”
She watched him climb into his truck and pull away. She was surprised he had called in more guys to help him, but maybe he was trying to get the job finished before the holiday. Whatever the reason she appreciated it. In only a few days, she would have a brand-new kitchen.
She stepped into her kitchen and stopped in surprise. She wasn’t sure what she had expected, but the emptiness was stunning. The walls and floors were stripped to the wood beneath and there were no appliances. She slowly walked in a circle running her hand across the edge of the wooden frame where her new countertop would go. The room felt like her life. Gutted of everything it had always known. Tomorrow her kitchen would look brand-new again, but how would her life look?
She meant the words she had uttered to Sheila earlier, but now they felt hollow. The truth was she wasn’t sure she could bounce back from the loss of someone she loved again. Images of her father played in her mind. So much time had passed that the things she remembered were mostly things she had pictures of. Birthdays, vacations, and special events were all well documented, but it was his words and his thoughts she missed the most. What would her father have told her when she graduated from college or when she took the job with the air marshals? What pieces of wisdom would he have to share with her right now?
She moved to the living room to get out of the gutted room and the emptiness that was closing in on her. Her suitcase caught her eye from the edge of the laundry room. She dumped it on the floor, throwing dirty items straight into the washer. She opened the second case and stared for a second at the moose, searching for the feeling of joy she had felt when she bought it. Its legs were folded on top of its body to make it fit in the small case and she pulled it out. She carried it into the living room and set it on the mantel over the fireplace.
She took a couple steps back, taking in the entire room. The moose looked lonely on the empty shelf so she pulled it down. Hugging it to her body, she walked around the edge of the room, keeping her back to the gutted kitchen. She set the moose on the couch. Its hands flopped into its lap. It looked comfortable there, but her body felt cool where it had been squeezed against her chest. She missed the comfort it had offered so freely. She picked it up again and moved to the chair. Throwing her feet across the arm of the chair and onto the couch, she stretched out with the moose on her chest.
Was she losing her mind? What thirty-eight-year-old would seek comfort in a stuffed animal? She had never really cared what others thought or followed the norms. She had moved through life on her own, never spending enough time with any one person to care what they thought or felt.
Dex had changed that, had begun to fill every part of her senses and she felt an incredible loss inside now. Her jaw ached from the stress of nonstop analyzing of what she could have or should have done and said. She knew her logic was fried and she was no longer making sense, even to herself. But she had been saying it for years and now she knew it was definitely true. She wasn’t capable of a relationship. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to. She just didn’t have it in her. And now she knew the truth. It was her. She was the one who wasn’t dependable.
It was better to make that decision now rather than later, when it could be even more devastating and painful. She rested her head against the soft fur between the moose’s antlers. As she drifted to sleep, she thought, My moose needs a name.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dex jumped at the knock on her door. She had taken her uniforms to the dry cleaner and picked up a few groceries earlier, all the things she would normally do on a weekend. Lucy?
Deidra held up a bag of takeout when Dex whipped open the door.
&
nbsp; “Peace offering,” Deidra said.
“How did you know I was alone?”
“When I stopped to visit Dad, the nurse said she’d spoken with you about visiting today. I was pretty sure that if you were entertaining you wouldn’t be planning to visit Dad. Especially when we’d already planned to visit together tomorrow.”
She sighed. “Yeah, I thought I’d drop by later and feed him dinner. He seemed to like it when you did that the other day.”
“I’m sure he’ll love it, but let’s talk about why you’re sitting here alone,” Deidra said as she began unpacking food from the bag she carried.
“What did you bring?”
“Egg rolls, crab rangoon, fried wontons, dumplings, and chicken teriyaki. Stop changing the subject. Where’s your girl?”
“That’s all appetizers. Didn’t you get any actual meals?”
“Of course I did. I have double chocolate chip ice cream. Answer the question. Where is she?”
Dex sighed again. “I don’t know. She’s only sent one text saying her plans had changed.” She dropped into a chair at the table and began opening the containers Deidra had brought.
“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew how to make it up to you. What are you going to do?”
“First, I’m going to eat all this crap you brought, and then I’m going to visit Dad.”
“And then?”
“I’ll go back to work on Monday.”
Deidra smacked the back of her head. “What’s wrong with you?”
“What am I supposed to do? She apparently doesn’t want to be with me.”
“I don’t think you really believe that, do you?”
“No, but I think she blames her lack of ability to even attempt a relationship on the loss of her father.”
“Was it a painful death?”
She could see Deidra was thinking about their father.
“It was a surprise to the family. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven him for leaving.”
Deidra frowned. “Was it suicide?”
“No, but he traveled a lot, and I think she feels like he chose to be away from her and then he was taken from her forever.”
“It sounds like you have a lot of things to work through. How are you going to convince her to take a chance?”
“I’m not going to.”
Deidra smacked the back of her head again before pulling two cans of soda from the refrigerator. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Again, I ask, what is it you expect me to do?”
“I expect you to fight for her. Who told you love would be easy?”
“I don’t love her,” Dex insisted.
“Okay, whatever. It’s clear you wanted something more than a one-night stand with this woman. You blew off your family to take a little vacation with her and now you’re moping like your world will never be happy again.”
“I’m not moping.”
“Again, whatever,” Deidra said, holding up her hand to keep Dex from saying anything else. “Relationships require work and if you aren’t willing, then you’re right, just let it go.”
Deidra opened the container of wontons and pulled one apart, dipping it into the sweet and sour sauce before stuffing it into her mouth. She studied the table while she chewed and Dex could see the conversation was about to make an uncomfortable turn.
“I know the military doesn’t make it easy, but did you date while you were in?”
“Not really.”
“Why not?”
“Too many people in each other’s business.”
Deidra nodded. “I get that, I guess. Have you ever dated anyone seriously other than when you were in college?”
“I tried once, but when I came back from a weekend pass the locks on my housing unit had been changed.”
“What?”
“My key wouldn’t unlock the door where I lived. I went to the company commander and he sent me to the billeting office. They claimed all of the door locks on every unit in my building were being changed. I asked around but I couldn’t find anyone who had experienced the same problem. I realized then the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy didn’t mean you couldn’t be targeted for conduct unbecoming. It was scary. After that I never met anyone I was willing to risk getting court-martialed over.”
“But didn’t everything change when the policy was repealed?”
“By law we were allowed to serve openly but you have to realize there were and still are plenty of high-ranking officers and non-commissioned officers who don’t agree with the policy. But once you’re out, there’s no going back into the closet.”
“Were you out?”
“Kind of but not really. I would go out with a group of women together, but seldom with someone alone. Especially someone who had made their sexual orientation public.”
Deidra looked surprised and maybe a bit overwhelmed, but she didn’t ask any more questions, concentrating instead on the food in front of them. Dex realized her lack of openness about her life had made Deidra curious. She had always felt her private life was just that—private. Even with her family. Maybe she should have confided more in her big sister.
Dex bit into an egg roll as she remembered how paranoid she had been that weekend. As a new second lieutenant, she was still learning how the military worked and whom she could trust. She had gotten rid of everything in her apartment that even hinted she might prefer women. She even erased music by lesbian singers from her iTunes account. Her life was certainly different now. She could make her own decisions about her private life without the fear of career consequences.
“I’m willing,” Dex finally said with a sigh.
“What?”
“I’m willing to do the work to have a relationship with Lucy.”
“Then do something.”
“Like what?”
“Find her. Convince her. You figure it out. If it’s something you want, then you have to work it out. Maybe she’s not the one for you, but if you give up without trying then you’ll never know what you might be missing.”
“Okay. I hear you. I didn’t want to force her into something so I was going to back off. But you’re right. I have to at least tell her how I feel and give her a chance to respond.”
“You might be surprised with her response when you take the chance first.”
She thought about their time at the falls. She had been the one pursuing Lucy and each time she thought she would walk away Lucy had surprised her. Maybe it all wasn’t as clear-cut as Lucy had tried to make it appear. Maybe she felt the connection between them too.
Still, she never wanted to talk someone into being with her. She wanted her to want it as badly as she did. When she recalled the look on Lucy’s face when they kissed beside the falls, her heart leapt and butterflies danced in her stomach. She had seen something on Lucy’s face that day. Something that might be strong enough to bring them back together.
* * *
Lucy stepped out of her bedroom as the front door closed. After a second day spent with Sheila, she had decided to stay home today. She had spent the day in hiding from Dan and his crew. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been able to enjoy a book without interruption. Of course, no interruptions meant ignoring the banging and clanging coming from her kitchen. The book had been more than enjoyable, though, and had served as a wonderful escape from the dilemma she was facing with Dex.
Every time she moved, the phone in her pocket reminded her she hadn’t responded to any of Dex’s texts or voice messages. After her conversation with Sheila the first day, she had come home and convinced herself to let things go with Dex. Pursuing something that would only bring pain later didn’t seem the best move. Relationships weren’t her cup of tea anyway, right? And yet, two days later she still felt the pull to hear Dex’s voice again.
She froze in midstep when she saw her new kitchen. The floor was a mint green tile with hints of dark red mixed in it that matched the curtains already hanging from the window—
which she noticed were now very dusty. The backsplash that lined the back and matched the brand-new counter was swirled with more red than mint. The sink was a deep maroon that highlighted the red in all of the tiles. Shiny new stainless steel appliances completed the newly designed kitchen.
She opened a few of the cabinets, finding all of her stuff back in place. She hurried out the door, hoping to catch Dan before he left. He climbed back out of his truck when he saw her.
“We’re all finished. I hope you like it,” he said with a smile.
“It’s stunning. Better than I’d imagined. Are we still good with the cost?” She had paid him in advance based on the quote he had provided. She had thought the amount seemed low when he gave it to her, but now seeing how beautiful the kitchen was she was sure it was too low.
“Yep. With the discount I get from the supply store in town, I still had plenty to buy everything and pay for the extra labor.”
“Thank you, Dan.”
“My pleasure. Keep my number in case you need anything else and pass it around to your friends.”
“I’ll do that.”
He waved as he climbed back into the truck. She sat down on the porch and watched his truck disappear down the driveway. She couldn’t believe this was her house. It brought her such comfort to call it home.
She sighed. The only thing missing was someone to share it with.
As she stood to walk back into the house, she realized she could still hear the hum of a vehicle. She was looking down her driveway when a silver sedan came into view. She tried to see through the window, but the afternoon sun made too much of a glare. She tried not to be annoyed at someone invading her space the second it was perfect. It wasn’t Sheila or Karen’s car, and she couldn’t think of anyone else who would be visiting her.
Lucy watched as her mother climbed out of the sedan. Eileen wore jeans and a yellow sweatshirt, even though the day was still warm. She couldn’t help thinking she looked as good as she remembered from their last meeting. Eileen gave her a wave as she turned in a circle, looking at the property around Lucy’s house. Her gaze finally stopped on the house, and she walked toward her.
