I fish for my car keys and unlock my car. I need to just drive, to clear my mind. I’ve done this many times when missing Dylan was particularly bad, and it’s helped some in the past.
“Katie, wait.”
I turn around and face Courtney as she runs out of the building behind me, out of breath. She takes a deep breath and walks over to me, holding out the journal.
“Look, I don’t know what this is or who it’s from, but I think you need to take it.”I chew on my lip, looking from Courtney to the journal and back. She raises her eyebrows at me.
Finally, I reach out and hesitantly take the journal, getting into my car and tossing it into the passenger seat.
I drive down the busy London streets, focusing my mind on the traffic. I feel like I’m just wandering, lost without knowing what to do about the journal.
A large part of me wants to read it; to memorize every word on every page. But I know my emotional and mental state is so fragile now, and reading it could only send my carefully constructed walls around my heart crashing back down.
I venture out of the city, finding myself on the highway. It reminds me of driving on the highway in Edinburgh; Dylan slumped in the passenger seat next to me, complaining about the songs that play on the radio.
“You idiot,” I say out loud to myself. “All highways look the same.”
Great. Now I’m talking to myself.
“Katherine, you seem glum.”
I look over and see Dylan sitting on the passenger side, feet resting on the dashboard. He wears a black t-shirt with his black jeans, worn boots on his feet. He chews a wad of bright green gum, his pink lips turned up in the smirk I miss so much.
“Of course I’m glum. You left me.”
“I didn’t leave you, Katie. I’ve been with you this whole time.”
I shake my head, pulling over onto the shoulder of the highway.
Now I’m apparently getting nightmares while I’m awake, too. What do you call that? A day-mare?
I’m losing my mind.
I try to steady my breathing, staring out at the dark road.
My eyes slowly move to the tattered brown journal in the seat next to me.
No matter how much I over think it, the journal was sent to me. This isn’t a coincidence, I was intended to receive this.
I carefully pick up the book, setting it in my lap. I run my fingers over the worn leather. Small stars are etched into the bottom right corner of the front cover, and if lost, please return to Dylan Wilson is written neatly at the top.
So many questions pop into my head, and I haven’t even opened it yet.
If Dylan was so defensive about letting me read this before, why was it sent to me? Is he really dead, and someone is giving away all his things? Did Abigail find it and want me to have it, or Leah?
I shut off my mind and open the journal.
The first letter I have already read. I feel a pang of guilt for being so nosy before, but I continue reading anyway.
The first few pages consist of more letters to his mother. The years increase as I flip through, drinking in every word.
I pause when I reach a certain letter.
8 September 2013
Mum—
Today someone moved into Abigail’s old apartment. It’s a girl, and as far as I know she lives alone. I saw her moving boxes in earlier with Alec’s nephew. I only assume they’re together, although she must be insane for dating scum like him.
I went over about an hour ago to just see for myself that someone is living there. Maybe I was a dick to her, but I don’t care. If she’s upset with me for talking to her like that, she can move the hell out.
I guess she has a nice name, anyway.
It’s Katie. Her name’s Katie.
I stop reading.
This letter is from the day we met, the day we snapped at each other for the first time. Although I knew he hadn’t liked me in the least at first, it’s still a bit shocking to read Dylan’s bitter words about me.
I turn the page.
10 September 2013
Mum—
Katie works with me. Not only with me, I feel compelled to add, but approximately six feet from me. Every time I look at her, I just see Abigail. I mean, not in looks, but in symbolism, perhaps. She lives exactly where Abigail did, for Christ’s sake.
If you were here you’d tell me to at least try to be nice, but I can’t. I can’t find a single thing about her that doesn’t remind me of something dark, and I hate that. But if that’s how it is, so be it.
15 September 2013
Mum—
Something’s wrong with me.
James didn’t pick up Katie today from work, so I offered her a ride. I don’t know, she seemed so upset and we even played twenty questions, like you and I used to. She’s got a nice smile, I’ll give her that. It’s one of those smiles you just want to smile along with, you know? God, I sound like an idiot.
Long story short, we were waiting for the rain to let up, and she was just right there and I almost kissed her.
It’s not like we actually kissed or anything. She moved away and got all freaked out, getting out of the car. I’m sure she got soaked in the rain.
I’m still here, the damn rain is still pouring buckets and I don’t want to go out there and get wet.
Damn it.
18 September 2013
Mum—
I got stuck in an elevator today.
With Katie. I got stuck in an elevator with Katie.
If I was to make a list of the world’s worst scenarios, being stuck in an elevator with Katie Harris would definitely make the top ten. God, she’s annoying. But, I don’t know, she seems like she actually gives a damn about me when I talk. And, I don’t know, maybe I give a damn about her, too.
She followed me the other day to go to see Alec, William and Ethan told me. They stopped her on the street earlier tonight, thinking she knows information about Lyone.
Did I put her in danger? She seemed so shaken up when I drove her home. Shit, I don’t know why my mind won’t shut the hell up, but I can’t let anything happen to her. I won’t let anything happen to her.
19 September 2013
Mum—
Things are changing. Katie slept on my couch last night because she was spooked from being jumped by Ethan and William. It was like three in the morning, and I gave her the tea you used to make me. I don’t know, something changed when I saw her so peacefully asleep this morning.
Unfortunately, she’s dating that dickhead James, and he came by this morning looking for her. It’s been hard to keep it a secret that I know exactly who he is, probably better than she does, and I feel almost guilty for not telling her. Anyways, he saw her on the couch and went apeshit, and somehow she turned the argument around on him for always forgetting her. She’s so feisty, when she wants to be. He left shortly, and she seemed upset. I didn’t know what to do, really, I’ve never been good at consoling people.
“For the record, I think you had a few good shots in there,” I said. Who even says that? Me, that’s who.
Tell me, Mum, how does it feel to have a complete idiot as a child?
It’s so surreal for me to be reading this, learning Dylan’s thoughts. As I read on, I smile at events I hadn’t bothered to remember, and snippets of quotes one of us would say.
23 September 2013
Mum—
God damn it, I’ve made a mistake.
I went to play poker tonight, except I brought Katie with me. Her bitch of a boyfriend forgot about her again. The stupid thing is that I know where he was—at a meeting with Lyone. Asshole.
He called her in the middle of the game, and she took the call outside. She’s holding onto him, but I don’t know why. He treats her like shit, and she could be with someone so much better.
We stood outside for a while, and next thing I knew I was kissing her. Her skin was so soft and her hair smelled like strawberries, I don’t know what came over me.
&
nbsp; She ended up pushing me away, obviously because of James. “I can’t do this,” she said. Do what? It’s not like it meant anything to either of us. People kiss, so what?
I know if you were here you’d tell me to quit denying things. God, I wish you were here, Mum.
27 September 2013
Mum—
She followed me.
She fucking followed me. To a meeting at Lyone, no less.
I’m so mad, so fucking mad but somehow I ended up telling her about Lyone. I might have just made a huge mistake, damn it I know I just made a huge mistake. In my defense, though, they did follow her and ransack her apartment, and I could see her curiosity just boiling behind her eyes.
I’m going to have to be really damn persuasive to make Alec let this go. She could be in danger now, and it would kill me to have it be because of me. She’s smart, though, and I know after this she won’t follow me again. She’s learned her lesson.
The more she learns, the guiltier I feel about not telling her who James really is. I should have told her when I told her about the rest of Lyone, but it slipped my mind. All I know is that she can’t be with James much longer, or I’m going to explode.
1 October 2013
Mum—
So, that’s it, then.
Katie and James broke up.
I’ll spare you the details, because unfortunately I was there to witness the whole thing. In a nutshell, James ended up hitting her across the face right in front of me, and I nearly lost my shit. He’s such a dick, he’d be lucky to be good enough for someone like Katie. Anyone would be lucky to be good enough for someone like Katie.
She’s got this fear of being alone, I think she finally realized it today. I had seen it in her before, but she was too stubborn to admit it to herself. I think she’s really upset about it. She seemed glum when I made her tea after James left.
It’s taken me a while, but memories of Abigail are starting to fade from her. She’s almost like this breath of fresh air in my life, this new thing that’s confusing me but not annoying me much anymore. I don’t think much about Abigail when I’m around her anymore, and I’m so glad for that.
17 October 2013
Mum—
So Katie went home to London for the weekend. She’s got some odd past with her sister I think, and she was a bit worried about seeing her. I hope all goes well between them.
I need to converse with Alec to make sure he leaves Katie alone. True, she knows about Lyone, but she has virtually no part or impact on it, and I need to make sure Alec knows that. I don’t want her in any danger.
Shit, my phone’s ringing. Who’s calling me at this ungodly hour?
I pause, a smile crossing my face. It was me calling him, after my parents told me they were divorcing. It’s such a meaningless memory, but he seemed to capture it perfectly.
I read on, watching as Dylan’s views on me change. It’s amazing, really, to see how he once hated me, and now he writes of me as a friend.
28 November 2013
Mum—
Leah called me today. I was so shaken up by it, you wouldn’t believe it. How did she find me? I’ve done my best to cover up my tracks.
Somehow, I found myself dialing Katie’s number. We haven’t exactly been speaking since the whole ordeal with Alec when she told me she had feelings for me and I let her walk away.
She picked up, though. I honestly thought that she wouldn’t, it’s Thanksgiving, after all. But she did, and she met me by the river, seemingly worried.
I told her everything. About you, about Dad, about Leah, about me. Everything.
I just felt like she should know, because she listens, and that’s a trait I can’t seem to get enough of. I could make a speech about why green gummy bears are better than orange ones and she’d still fucking listen.
She knows I don’t believe in love, I expressed that to her. But you can still feel love without believing in it, can’t you?
6 December 2013
Mum—
I’ve made a huge fucking mistake.
Today Katie told me she loved me, Mum. She loves me, just like Abigail didn’t. And you know what I said? I didn’t even say anything, really, I just laughed. Just like Abigail did to me, I laughed. What the fucking hell is wrong with me?
I most likely just ruined my last shot at being happy with someone. I should have gone after her, I should have said something. I’m so stubborn, I’m too proud to tell her how I really feel.
She probably won’t talk to me, now. I don’t blame her. I’m a dick.
12 December 2013
Mum—
Today was Katie’s birthday. She’s twenty four. I don’t think she even remembered, because when I wished her a happy birthday this morning, she looked almost surprised. She smiled really big, though, so I guess that’s a good sign.
I baked her a red velvet cake with your old recipe. It’s her favorite flavor of cake, too. Go figure, right?
I feel like I ruined her birthday, though. I just got back from her place maybe an hour ago. I got her a box of pens, shit. Why did I buy her that? I should have gotten her something nicer, like earrings or something. Girls like earrings, right?
I asked her if she wanted me to stay, and she said no. I should have known. I was such a douche when she told me she loved me, I really shouldn’t be surprised that she doesn’t want to be around me.
The truth is, we haven’t talked in almost two weeks, and it’s taking a toll on me. I guess I just miss her presence. She was such a good friend to me. I think she was my favorite friend I had. Does that make sense? A favorite friend?
I guess I
I furrow my brow when the entry ends in the middle of the sentence. Then I remember I had come to his apartment, and he had been writing in the journal when I stepped into his room. How I wish I could tell him again that he didn’t ruin my birthday, not in the least bit. I wish I could tell him a lot of things.
14 December 2013
Mum—
Today was an eventful day.
I’ve mentioned before that some of us at Lyone are forming a bit of a rebellion against Alec. I’m not doing it for me anymore, I’m doing it for Katie.
Which brings me back to the events of the day.
Alec sent us a threatening text earlier, and Katie got really nervous. She started packing a bag and said she was going back to London. For good.
I freaked the fuck out. I had all the words I should say just on the tip of my tongue, but she was moving so fast around her place I could barely comprehend what was happening.
I told her she couldn’t leave because my life would be boring without her, but she used my own words against me. “How can you say that, and tell me I mean nothing?” She said.
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