“Are you alright?”
I shake my head, turning away so he can’t see my watery eyes. “I’m fine.”“So...how have you been?”
The question is ironic and I almost laugh.
I prepare myself to say “fine,” again, but I sigh and stop walking. He stops as well, looking back at me in confusion.
“Horrible,” I sigh. “I’ve been absolutely horrible.”
His eyes trail over my face, his brow furrowed. “To tell the truth, so have I.”“Why’s it been horrible for you? You could have called anytime.”
“Didn’t you read the—”
“Yes, I read the god damn journal, but the last entry was December nineteenth, the night before the party. How could I have—”“What about the other note?”
“What other note?”
“In the package?”
“Oh.” I sigh. “It was water damaged in the mail. I couldn’t tell what it said.”“Fuck.” Dylan runs a hand through his hair. “I guess I do have to explain it all.”“Why? What did the note say?”
Dylan opens his mouth, then closes it. “Let’s sit,” he says and walks over to a nearby bench, overlooking a large green field.
We sit, a good few inches between us.
“What did the note say?” I repeat. “And how the hell did you get my London address?”Dylan takes a long breath.
“I’ve been the one mailing you your paychecks from Crane,” he admits. “One day, when I had to go to the outgoing mailbox in the lobby, I brought along my...extra package.”“Why did it take you five fucking months?” I cross my arms over my chest.
Dylan sighs again, leaning forward so he’s resting his elbows on his knees. “I...” He chews on his lips, searching for words.
“For God’s sake, spit it out.”
He looks at me and lets out a laugh, and I try to hide my smile.
“Maybe I should start from the beginning, yeah?”
I nod.
“The night of the party, December twentieth, the bastard Alec shot me.”“I know that.”
“I’m just recapping, save the sass, Katherine.”
I bite my lip and try not to smile.
“As I was saying,” Dylan goes on. “Alec shot me, lead bullet. Except, he can’t aim for shit and it hit me in the right arm.”My eyes fly to his right arm, although it’s covered by his white shirt.
“I lost a lot of blood, though, so I was in the hospital for a good week. Lots of painkillers did good, I’ll tell you. And now I've got a badass scar.”“What happened to Alec?”
“I’m getting there, Katie, hold your horses.”
I shut my mouth again and try not to ask any more questions.
“If you recall, Abigail stepped out of a car from behind you. Actually, two cars pulled up, one of which had everyone who went to Ivory. They were successful, they managed to get the cops there and get through the back up. Alec would have shot at me again and finished me off, had Leah not come out of fucking nowhere and punched him straight in the face.”“No way!”
“It was crazy, and it’s all very vague in my mind. I was on the ground when I saw Alec hit the floor, and I blacked out right after that. Woke up in the hospital all stitched up, but it hurt like hell.”“I found out later that Alec was put in jail for attempted murder of yours truly, and James’s there too. So is Caitlin, and pretty much everyone on their side for fraud.”“What about the alliance?”
“Eh, we got some community service hours but not much, because we rebelled and all.”“Oh.”
“So we did it, we won. We’re free.” Dylan puts on a silly smile and I laugh lightly.
“Anyway, when I finally went home from the hospital I knocked on your door, but you didn’t answer. So like any sane person would, I used my spare key to get in and looked for you, but you were gone. I knew you had come back here to London City, I don’t exactly know how I knew, but I did, and I was crushed. I knew I needed to find you, but I remembered our exchange just before Oliver found us at your apartment, in the closet. And I remembered that I promised to keep you safe—”My bottom lip trembles slightly. “That’s why you didn’t come for me? Because of a stupid promise?”Dylan shakes his head. “I—”
“You also promised you’d see me again, did you not? Did you ever think of that promise?”“Katie, please—”
I stand abruptly, angry tears welling behind my eyes. “I can’t talk about this anymore,” I say. “We’re at a wedding, Oliver and Sarah’s wedding. We’re here for them, not for us. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”Dylan looks up at me painfully. “Please, just listen—”
I shake my head, taking a few steps away. “I’m not ready for this, not now, not at a wedding.”I turn and hastily walk down the path, my body temperature rising with angst and anger.
I don’t know why I reacted that way, but I’ve been in such a fragile state lately that hearing all this is like a tsunami of information that honestly hurts to hear.
I hear Dylan call my name, and his footsteps behind me but I slip into the tent, walking straight over to Courtney. She sits with Leah and Abigail still, laughing over something.
“We need to go,” I say to her, my words rushed. “I want to go home.”She looks up at me, furrowing her brown. “What? Why?”
“Pl—” I begin, but I feel a hand grab my wrist.
I turn to look back at Dylan, and I’m surprised to see his eyes slightly glossy.
“Please don’t walk away from me,” he says, his voice weak and hushed so that I have to strain to hear it over the music. “I can’t let you just go again.”I furrow my brow. “What?”
He doesn’t let go of my wrist as he tugs me through the crowd. I’m completely confused as he stops in front of the photobooth.
“Get in,” he says.
“What? No—”
“Get in, please.”
I stare at him a moment before stepping inside, sliding across the seat.
Dylan gets in beside me, the side of his body against mine in the small space.
“You’re going to listen to me,” he says, reaching up and wiping his eyes. “You’re going to listen to me and you’re going to understand my side of this.”I don’t know what to do other than nod as he takes a deep breath, opening his mouth to speak.
Chapter Seventy Six
Dylan runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath. I watch him intently, not having a clue what to expect.
The photobooth is crammed, and Dylan’s knee touches mine as we sit on the little bench. The screen lights up in front of us, inviting us to pick an effect and push start, but taking pictures seems to be the last of our worries at the moment.
Seeing Dylan act as he did throws me off a little. I’ve never truly seen a vulnerable, emotional side of Dylan. And although it breaks my heart to see him wipe tears away, another part of me wants to see this side of him, to know every aspect of it.
“Now, where did I leave off.”
I look at my hands folded in my lap, not answering.
I feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to say something but I never do.
“Ah, yes. When I was finally discharged from the hospital.”
He goes on as if I offered him an answer, and I see the emotion and vulnerability I experienced from him moments ago quickly fade away.
“Leah was still staying with me at that point, and she told me she knew you had gone to London. That just confirmed what I already knew. I went into this state of numbness after that, knowing I had made you promise me to stay hidden, but in all honesty, I had never expected to live.”Dylan shifts slightly, crossing his arms over his chest. “Leah moved out around March, getting an apartment not far from mine and yours, and she’s been getting back into design. Someone in the same business park as Crane met her at the party and offered her a job interview, so there’s that.”“As for me, I went on with my life. Except, it wasn’t really my life anymore. I did the same things I did before we met, thinking you were better off without me in London. I went to w
ork every day and did my job, I mailed you your paychecks and I slept alone. But things were so obviously different. I had never realized just how boring I was before I was with you.”I swallow, daring to look up from my lap.
“I did a lot of thinking. Too much thinking, probably. I thought about all the things I said to you the night of the party, and all the things you said to me. I thought about how I swore I’d keep you safe, and you were safe in London. I always thought about the promise I made to you, about seeing you again. I kept trying to figure out how to keep both promises, but I couldn’t.”“You see, ever since the first night you had a run in with Lyone, when Ethan and William stopped you on the street, this paranoia has built inside of me. It was small at first, easy to ignore. But as time went on and I watched you immerse yourself in more and more danger before my very eyes, and because of me, no less; it grew until it was too much for me to handle. It consumed me the night of the party, when I told you to stay hidden. It was terrifying and agonizing, but I had thought I was going to die that night, so I assumed that the danger you were in would erase with my death.”Hearing Dylan speak of his proposed death makes my stomach churn.
“Although Lyone Enterprises was the only dangerous shit I was involved in, after the party I still believed I was a threat to you. I knew in the logical part of my brain that I wasn’t, and you’d be fine, but the irrational remnants of my paranoia got the best of me. I truly thought that if I were to come after you and be with you again, I would endanger you again, and just thinking of that tore me apart. It was all in my head, all psychological. It may be the worst excuse in this whole damn universe, but I can’t give you a better one. It was me against my mind, and for a while there, it seemed like my mind was winning.”“Why did you come after me now, then?” I speak for the first time since we’ve been in the photobooth.
“I’m getting to that.”
I nod.
“So as the months dragged on, I felt myself becoming more and more numb until I was sure if I set my hand on a hot stove I wouldn’t feel it. I was lonely, even though I frequently visited Leah and saw everyone at work every day. I’d sit on my couch and watch television, but I wouldn’t even pay attention to the show because my mind would go ballistic. I had nightmares most every night, real bad ones. Sometimes...” Dylan shakes his head, letting out a dry laugh.
“Sometimes what?”
He looks at me briefly before continuing. “Sometimes I’d wake up from a nightmare at like one a.m., and I’d be so shaken up that I’d drag myself into your apartment and sleep there the rest of the night. It’s pathetic, I know. But it gave me some sense of security and your pillows still smelled like you, so...”I bite my lip to keep from crying and smiling at the same time. “You think that’s pathetic? I would call your voicemail just to hear your voice.”
He half smiles. “Probably shouldn’t have changed my number, eh?”
“Why did you change it?”
“Court orders. Since I was near death because of Lyone, they wanted me to change it in case there’s still anyone out there in the shriveling remnants of the corporation.”“Then why did I always get your voicemail?”
“I guess the old number just hasn’t been taken yet. It’s odd that it would still have my voicemail, though. I’ll call the phone company about it.”
“Oh.”
Dylan’s jaw clenches and he looks straight ahead before going on. “Anyways, over time Leah and Abigail began trying to get my ass out of the house once in a while to go to a bar or something, but I never wanted to. God, it was so dull. I hardly got sleep, I didn’t have much of an appetite, and I just felt like shit all the time. Roughest time of my life, after my mother’s death.”“I could have really used my mother in those months. You know, just to talk to someone. She was always my listening ear, I guess. I thought about her a lot too, the nights that I’d lay awake. I thought about a lot of things.”“In February, Oliver and Sarah announced their engagement. It kind of stung, if I’m honest. I was jealous that they got to end up together and we didn’t. But I didn’t say anything, because Oliver’s my friend and they’re nice together, I suppose. I told Oliver I didn’t think I would be able to make it to the wedding, and he begged and begged me to come. He said it wouldn’t be the same without me, and he said there was a large chance you might attend, too. I guess that’s what made me come, in the end.”“You have to understand, I never wanted to put you through any pain of any kind by staying away. And I knew you didn’t come looking for me because I told you not to, and I was glad that you listened to me for once, but at the same time I was also upset. I hated the fact that you thought I was dead, but the phrase that kept repeating in my head was ‘it will keep her safe.’”“I became obsessed, completely obsessed with keeping you safe. It was this contaminated idea in my mind that dictated if I were to go anywhere near you, I’d endanger you again. It scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t think of anything but keeping you safe for a long time, it controlled me. I wrote those extra letters to you, and then ended up tearing them out of my journal because I was angry with myself for being so careless when we first met. Of course, I ended up mailing the loose letters to you later, but I guess they got water damaged, as you said. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I had been more careful, none of this shit with Lyone would have happened. For a while there, it really felt as if I was going insane.”I stare at Dylan, my jaw locked. I had never considered the psychological toll any of this took on Dylan—I suppose it took some toll on me, too.
“I’m sorry,” Dylan says. “I should have called you the day I got out of the hospital and told you I was alright. But I had to keep you safe.”
“I get it,” I say, shaking my head as tears spring to my eyes. “I get it, I do. I understand your mind consumed you, and that you thought too much. But don’t you think, after all of this, it’s time for me to keep you safe?”“Safe from what?”
“Yourself.”
Dylan looks down and I see his eyes glazing over again. “You’re right,” he says, his voice surprisingly steady. “You’re right.”
I shake my head again. “You have no idea,” I say, tears rolling down my cheeks. “The agony I’ve gone through thinking you were dead.”
Dylan swallows, eyes trailing over my face.
“I had nightmares too, these terrible, terrifying nightmares. It was always the same, too. We’d be at some different location, completely content, and out of nowhere a bullet would fly at you, and I’d be seeing the same thing in my dream that I saw the night you were shot.” I swallow, wiping tears away. “And I wanted to go back to Edinburgh, to see if you were really gone but I couldn’t do it. I was still in shock, complete shock at what happened and I knew if you were alive you’d want me to keep my promise. I know it was just a stupid promise, they’re all stupid promises. I mean, why did we even make them, when we’re sitting right here breaking them now?”“Maybe they were made to be broken.”
“Then why did we keep them so long?”
“Wish I knew.”
I take a long, deep breath. I feel a bit at ease after hearing the extent of Dylan’s story.
I suddenly am aware of our proximity, the air in the small photobooth full of Dylan’s sweet spearmint-and-cologne scent. I’ve been dying to smell it again, and here I am, sitting next to him like we’re strangers.
Months ago, I would have thought I would tackle Dylan to the ground if I found out he was alive. But now that it’s really happened, I’ve felt so many emotions that I can barely remember how to move. I know I’m no longer the same Katie that was dragged away from Dylan on December twentieth; but one thing has not changed, and that’s how much I’m in love with Dylan.
He Looked Back Page 52
