Alex’s face looked to be all angles as he listened to her monologue. His hand slowly crushed the slender blade of grass held in one hand and it dropped to the ground, mangled and forgotten. He said abruptly, “But you’ve made good in spite of your past. Bad memories can be overcome.”
Diana shifted restlessly and looked at him sharply. She enquired, “What bad memories?” His head snapped up and he met her gaze with narrowed eyes. She went on, hard and defiant, “I didn’t make good in spite of my past, I made it because of my past. I put myself through college and graduate school, no one else. The one thing I’ve always had is myself. I made me what I am today; I can always count on me to pull me through anything. I am my best provider. I clothe me and bathe my wounds and I put food on the table. As long as I have myself, I’ll never go hungry. End of story.”
Alex said quietly, “That’s not all there is to living, Diana.”
She raised her eyebrows. “That’s all there is to my life. I’m not missing anything.”
“That’s because you don’t know anything else!” He paused and continued more carefully. “There’s a whole new dimension of emotion that you have yet to discover, a deeper and more—”
“An illusion,” she interrupted his sentence and he stared at her, incredulous at her statement. “It’s all an illusion, Alex. None of it is real or reliable. Rely on yourself only; in the end it’s all you’ll have. No—don’t bother.” It was all said harshly as she forestalled his attempt to speak. “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t want to hear it. When I said that all I ever had was myself, I wasn’t complaining. That’s all I’ve ever needed.”
There was a quietness, a stillness that had nothing to do with the sounds of nature that surrounded them. Neither Alex nor Diana looked at each other. Then she said softly, “It’s been fun. I think it’s time we headed back, though.”
“To reality?” Alex was sarcastic, his face a mask.
“Of course.”
He was still for a moment before he finally nodded. They packed the things in the car and drove back. The trip was silent. Alex was intent on his driving, his eyebrows lowered in a frown and his mouth in a straight line. Diana was aloof, thinking her own thoughts and wearing her pride like an invisible mantle, sheltering herself from the outside world. The car pulled up to the kerb outside her apartment and she turned to thank him, but he was opening his door.
“I’m seeing you in,” he said tersely.
She shook her head. “There’s no need…” she began, but he interrupted her.
“I know you don’t need it,” the sarcasm was still evident in Alex’s voice and Diana stared at him. She had never heard that particular bitter note from him before. “But I never take someone home without seeing her inside, if you don’t mind.”
She shrugged and slid out of the car too. As they walked up the sidewalk, still with that charged silence from the trip home, she was aware of a violent emotion that emanated from Alex’s person. She was confused by it and she couldn’t identify with it. She walked warily with this unknown person. At the door, she reached in her pocket for her front door key, and inserted it into the lock. Alex turned the knob and pushed the door open, propelling her in with one hand at her back as he followed quickly. She began to protest in anger since she had had no intention of inviting him in, but he told her to shut up. They faced each other in the shadowed hallway.
After staring down at Diana’s face and seeing another, more vulnerable face in his mind, he began to talk in a low voice. “I believe you when you say you’ve never needed anyone before in your life. I think you’re right to count on yourself to pull you through a crisis. But there is a better way of life than that, Diana. You did fine when you had to survive, but that’s all you know how to do, survive. I’ve seen too many examples of another way of life, a better and deeper…”
“We had a pleasant day, didn’t we?” she interrupted. He fell silent as she continued, walking away. “I think you’d better leave it at that.” She didn’t want to hear what Alex had to say.
“Damn you, don’t walk away from me!” His hand shot out and pulled her roughly around to him as he spoke. She jerked her arm away and stepped back.
“I’ll do what I please in my own time, Mr. Mason!” she hissed, furious at his rough handling.
Goaded, he grabbed her by the shoulder and started to shake her. He exclaimed, “My God, are you an iceberg, all frozen and hard—”
“I don’t have to hear this!” she cried out, pushing him as hard as she could in an effort to break his hold. She felt nothing like the iceberg Alex had called her. Something deep in her chest was licking at her very core of being like tiny tongues of flame. It hurt incredibly. “Who in hell are you to be talking to me this way? I don’t need anybody’s criticism, I’m not ashamed of what or who I am!” Never before had Diana felt so threatened by another person; now she was frightened, and fear made her lash out. “You have no right to speak like this to me, you just can’t take someone living differently from you—”
He let her go suddenly and she very nearly fell. “What the hell are you implying?” he asked through his teeth. She could feel his rage burning her.
She suddenly wished she hadn’t said anything. “Nothing.” She tried to pass off her remark with a downward jerk of her hand.
“No,” he softly spoke. “You meant something by what you said, and you were going to say more. What was it? I mean to know!” He was really furious.
“I was referring to your social life,” she said suddenly, letting it all out, sick and tired of the whole nasty scene. She continued coldly, “From what I’ve heard, you lead quite a different life from my own quiet one. What am I, a challenge or something? A possible conquest for your male ego?”
He stiffened, sucking in his breath audibly, letting it out as he spoke. “No, I don’t consider an emotional cripple a possible conquest. That is you, isn’t it? You don’t know how to feel.”
“What’s it to you?” she shouted suddenly, moving around the dark room like a hunted animal. She wanted to beat her fists against his chest to hurt him as much as he was hurting her. “I’m doing just fine on my own, I don’t need advice from you or anybody else! I’m a perfectly healthy, normal woman and I can look after myself—”
“You can feed yourself, protect yourself, and never have to care for anybody else—what kind of existence is that? You never ache, or cry or bleed for anybody else—God, I pity you!” He was a silhouette, a dark shape in the deepening dusk as he stabbed the air in front of him with one forefinger while his voice ripped her into shreds.
Diana stood very still and straight as she fought a war with her own emotions, emotions that Alex’s attack evoked. Then she said one thing, devoid of all feeling or anger. “Get out.”
Alex’s whole body was held tensely. She could feel it from where she was standing. Then he let out an explosive sigh and the taut lines of his body relaxed. “Diana, we’ve said so much in anger, I’d like to—”
“What anger?” she interrupted. She had to get him out of there. Moving to the wall where the light switch was, she flicked it and the room was set into a much sharper relief as the mellow lighting flooded everything with a yellow tinge. It was a mistake, for now she could see his face and read his expressions. “No,” she continued quietly, looking very much in control (she had to get him out), “I feel no anger now, although you’re right, we have said too much. I think we should leave it for tomorrow, and settle anything we feel we need to when we’ve got some rest.” Her face was very calm now, and very cool (Get him out of here, please God, before I break apart).
“I think we should settle it now!” he snapped harshly, moving with a violence akin to that of a savage animal. She sucked in her breath at the anger she had caused in him with her dismissing words.
“Then you can talk to an empty room,” she snapped back coldly. She was feeling really desperate now, and her hands were shaking. She had to get rid of him. “I’m going to bed. Lock
up when you leave, will you?” She started for the room down the hall. It seemed like a haven to her now. She didn’t look back as she called over her shoulder. She could hear his footsteps as he started to follow her. “Don’t bother trying to come in my room, Alex. If you do, I’ll simply scream, and Terry and Brenda, who happen to feel very protective about me, will be up here in a moment. You wouldn’t want that kind of a hassle, would you?” She had reached her room and she walked in with a fine show of confidence. “Goodnight, Alex.” She shut the door, then moved over to the bed and sank down into it, covering her face with her shaking hands. She could hear no sound coming from the other room. She waited for a little while, how long she had no idea. Then she moved over to the window and looked out.
A sleek black car was pulling away from the kerb.
Diana collapsed on her bed and shook all over. When she finally roused herself, it was only to set the alarm for the next morning. She didn’t even bother to undress, but merely crawled under the top cover after turning out the light.
Chapter Six
The elevator doors opened and Jerry looked out with a big grin when he saw who was about to enter the elevator. Then the grin slowly faded as he took in the appearance of the other person.
“Gee, Miss Carrington,” Jerry exclaimed, “you look kinda tired today!”
Diana smiled faintly at the note of concern in Jerry’s voice. “I feel kinda tired,” she said with a sigh. There were dark bruise-like circles under her eyes and her cheekbones stood out sharply. The only colour she had on her face was the colour that she had applied with make-up. The night had been bad.
“Maybe you should go home and go to bed,” he suggested. She chuckled a little and he felt relieved. She looked better when she laughed. Not normal, but better.
“I just got out of bed, Jerry,” she grinned. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I wanted to.”
“Did you have a hard weekend?” Jerry asked sympathetically.
“No.” Diana shook her head. “I just can’t seem to unwind even though Mr. Mason is here to take some of the work load again.”
He nodded sagely. Everybody had been aware of the hard hours that Diana had put in when Mr. Mason was gone. “It’ll take you a while to get to normal again, I reckon.”
The elevator doors opened and he stepped back. “Have a good day, Jerry,” Diana stepped off the elevator as she spoke.
“You too, Miss Carrington. ’Bye!”
The day went about as badly as she had expected, but for a different reason from what she had expected. When she went into the office, she was greeted by a very polite Alex who made no reference to last night at all. Diana was surprised and a little let down, for she had been keyed up all morning for a confrontation that never came.
Alex looked a little better than she did, but he still had an odd set to his face which made it seem older, more harsh. Whenever he talked to Diana, it was with a chill formality that began to grate on her nerves. With Carrie and Owen and everyone else, he was the same warm and joking Alex that she had known from before their argument, but his politeness with her never changed. She went home at the end of the day more exhausted than if they had spent the whole day fighting.
The next few days were the same way, only a little bit worse, because under the chill politeness that Diana and Alex showed one another, they began to snap as the tension started to build. Carrie noticed the change, and although she made no comment, Diana knew that occasionally Carrie’s worried eyes followed her around the office.
One afternoon Diana watched Alex with Owen and the way his face was alight with laughter over something Owen had said. She was hesitant to interrupt, but needing Alex’s signature on something, she had broken in quietly. She had felt such an acute pain when she had seen the way a mask had slid over Alex’s face when he had turned towards her, leaving—nothing. She wondered that she did not start to cry then and there, but she had pretty well maintained her composure, although her hands had trembled as they accepted the signed papers. Owen’s farewell that day was very kind.
On Wednesday, as she was preparing to go home, she was surprised to turn and see Alex at her elbow. He stood looking down at her frowningly until she finally said with a biting edge of anger, “What do you want?”
His face was very hard when he heard her tone, but he didn’t comment. Instead he asked, “Do you have anything planned for tomorrow night?”
Surprised, she answered without thinking, “Nothing much, why?”
“There’s a business dinner I would like you to attend tomorrow night. We have a new client who needs to be wooed and won, and he’s bringing his wife. You’re the logical choice to come and make numbers even.” He stood waiting for an answer as she thought rapidly, replanning her evening schedule. She finally nodded.
“I think I can make it,” she said, and he nodded.
“Good.”
The next day went very much the same as the previous days had gone. Diana was very tired of the constant tension she felt whenever Alex was around. She was glad of the chance to go home early on the pretext of getting ready for the dinner that night. It was getting cool in the evenings, so she happily took out her dark red dress with a black pair of high-heeled shoes to wear with it. She set her hair with hot curlers and brushed it to hang free except for one side that was pulled back with a gold comb. She then added an extra touch of red lipstick and reshadowed her eyes. With a look at the clock, she swung a beige coat on to her shoulders and left her apartment.
She was to meet Alex at the office parking lot and then Alex was going to drive to the little restaurant where they had eaten with the Bradshaws before. She was glad the trip would be fairly short from the office to the restaurant. She didn’t know how she would be able to put up with Alex’s coldness all evening as it was.
He was in the parking lot when she pulled in. He opened the door of her car and stood beside it as she locked the door. Then he held open the passenger door for her as she climbed in.
She was relieved when Alex, after starting the engine and pulling out of the lot, began to tell her about the prospective client that she was to meet tonight. His voice was cool and professional and Diana found it easy to relax and pay attention. Mr. Valsing and his wife were from southern California and were on a business-cum-pleasure trip for several weeks in New York. Diana understood. Mr. Valsing was here on business and Mrs. Valsing was here for pleasure. Brent Valsing was a rabbit of a man, Alex told her with a tinge of amusement in his voice. Diana couldn’t wait to see what Vanessa Valsing was like. She had an idea already.
* * *
When Alex performed the introductions between the Valsings and Diana, she had to keep a firm hold on her sense of humour. She had been right. Vanessa Valsing was a slightly plump woman who was the very last word in lacquered perfection. Every dyed hair was in perfect place, and her eyelashes were so long (good God, they had to be false!) that they batted her thinly pencilled eyebrows. Her long, long nails were painted a very bright red, and jewels glittered at her throat, arms and fingers. There was a slight sag to her chin and wrinkles radiated in a crows-feet pattern from her eyes.
Brent Valsing was only slightly shorter than Diana, but with his rather too thin shoulders and his slightly thickening middle, he seemed even shorter. His hair was thinning on top, and although he had rather nice eyes, the whole effect was spoiled by his moist mouth and the peculiar way he had of forming his words. Diana’s eyes kept returning again and again to his mouth in a horrified fascination whenever he spoke. It was as if, she thought with an inward chuckle, his two lips were made of rubber and he had a particularly trying time whenever he wanted to form a word. She tried to imagine him kissing, and the very thought made her shudder.
The one thing she was unprepared for was when Alex put a casual arm around her shoulders as they headed down the stairs to the dance floor. Nor did she miss the sudden narrowing of Vanessa Valsing’s cat-bright eyes as she took in the movement. When they all sat down to one of the
little round tables by the dance floor, Diana was never sure afterwards how Vanessa contrived to sit in between Diana and Alex and across from her husband. Diana mentally shrugged her shoulders and sat down to make the best of the situation. After a few minutes of uttering bright nothings around the table, Vanessa gave a little wriggle of her shoulders that did funny things to her bosom and declared in a little-girl voice, “Alex dear, you really must dance one dance with me. I’ll never ever forgive you if you don’t!” And so, with a smile, Alex led Vanessa off on to the dance floor.
Brent turned to Diana with a smile that was meant to be charming, but instead was merely wet. Diana, inwardly cringing, pulled her lips into a response that she could only hope did not appear as fake as it felt. As they circled the dance floor, she listened with one ear to Brent’s dull and steady explanation of how his family had inherited wealth for generation after generation, making them the very best of families to marry into. “…And of course Vanessa comes from the Strattons from Kentucky,” he imparted gravely. Diana nodded with a suitable look on her face as she wondered just who in hell were the Strattons from Kentucky. As they circled around, she happened for just an instant to face Alex as they both looked over the shoulders of their respective partners. Vanessa was making an extravagant gesture which Diana mimicked with her hand that rested on Brent’s shoulder, and Alex’s face flooded with laughter. Then they were gone and Diana was left with only Brent and her own devices.
After the first dance, Diana and Brent were heading back to the table when Alex and Vanessa appeared beside them. Alex said smoothly, “Shall we go on up to the table?”
Vanessa pouted prettily, “Oh, I would like just one more dance, Alex. Wouldn’t you?” She was looking up at Alex as she talked, but he was looking at Diana.
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