"I don't think I ever—" Jae stalled, heart thudding in his chest. He had no clue where his words were taking him other than delaying. He pushed out an exhale, closed his eyes, courage failing him. Which made no sense because Colby hadn’t turned him away, or acted like it pissed him off, or offended him, or— his breath left him when lips locked with his own, and a warm hand slid up and trembled over his cheek.
Time froze.
Was there still a world out there somewhere?
Because Jae was certain he'd just fallen off the edge.
Colby pulled back a few inches. Jae's eyes fluttered open. Their eyes fixed on each other.
It was like staring into a mirror. The same pain. The same suffering, and confusion. The same understanding—the same relief. Along with a flash of something else—hope, maybe? That even though things were bleak, there might just be something out there. Something good. Something that hadn’t been ruined. Something that belonged only to them. Something they innately understood, that had nothing at all to do with magic, or this life they'd been sucked into. Well—maybe magic of another kind.
Jae's heart soared at top speed—he had a hard time imagining life got any better than this moment. What a freeing thing. A confirmation of what he'd always wondered about himself.
"I didn't know that was okay." Colby's hand trembled. "To kiss a guy, I mean. I thought it was just another thing wrong—"
Jae didn't permit him to finish. "I don't want you to say anything bad about yourself. Ever again." His hand slid up to Colby's heart. "You're not a bad person. You just had really bad luck." His gaze promised Colby he spoke the truth, and it was more than he could accept. The torrent pushing its way upward was something he'd suppressed for so long, there was no shoving it back in its hiding place if he let it out.
But the unconditional truth Jae held in his gaze broke the dam. It ruptured, the spiral springing loose from Colby's head down to his toes, a wave of something too big. Something too heavy. Something that might bury him alive. His fingers gripped Jae's cheek firmly, but the fall, the journey to rock bottom, trembled right through that grip and into Jae's own heart. He’d known it was coming. The moment Colby would split open and hit bottom, with no lower to fall.
Colby pushed himself away to the edge of the bed, breaths ragged and coming out in bursts. "I can’t breathe." He keeled over, clutching his chest. "I can’t do this." Caring really hurt. A lot. Maybe more than it was worth. Dying might even be a better option than this.
It wasn’t purely Jae.
Or realizing he liked the guy—heck, liked a guy—in a way he'd never felt about anyone before.
It was his sister.
His mother.
His grandmother.
His Catawitch.
Damn it! It was everything!
It.
Was.
All.
Too.
Much.
And he might not agree with everything his father did, but the man was still his father. Did not agreeing, automatically mean he was supposed to hate the man? But why not hate him? He didn't love the son he picked at birth to become a King. Colby still had no idea why he'd picked him. What made him so special?
A hand slid to his shoulder and he batted it off him. "Go away." Colby forced out in shallow breaths. He did not want this. He didn’t want witnesses. Especially Jae’s. Something about letting Jae see him about to lose it in some ballistic sort of way only added to the misery.
"I’m not leaving."
"I really want you to leave."
"I’m not leaving," Jae promised.
"I don’t want… you can’t… I can’t," Colby didn’t finish, he didn’t know what he was trying to say.
"I’ve been where you are." Jae's words were soft. Telling. Not judgmental in any way.
Colby slid and leaned his head back against the wall so he wasn’t facing Jae. "You mean when you wanted to die, rather than face it all."
Jae sighed. "Yeah, that place."
Colby didn't respond, and instead, crushed his eyes closed like somehow, that action would erase the pain. He felt a gentle pull on his chin and let Jae spin his head; he opened his eyes… probably the worst idea, ever.
"We got screwed," Jae told him straight on. "I can't help you figure out all the things you need to figure out. I can't make those choices for you. And, even though you’ve done things that in any normal world would be unforgivable, you got screwed. I got screwed. We trusted the people around us—the people we were taught, to trust. We didn’t get a say in that. So all these things you’re feeling right now, you’re going to have to let that happen. But then… you’ll need to put them in their rightful place. Put the blame where it really belongs. You will have to decide where that is. Only you can do that, because you cannot find any peace one way, or another, until you do."
"I killed people." Colby's body shook uncontrollably.
"I know. And that's not going to scare me away." Because he'd killed before too. While in Cobbscott, when Colby, Meghan, and Colin had gone on their blood vision, and they'd been attacked. Jae had killed one of the Stripers who'd been sent after them, thus, revealing himself to be alive, followed by Juliska ordering him home to her.
"I didn't want to do it," Colby shook out. "I wasn't—strong enough—to say no. To tell him I didn’t want to do it." Just more proof of how weak he was.
"You have to put the blame where it belongs."
"But I did it. I took those lives. Not my father." Colby held up his hands. "I did it. Me. Not him."
"What would have happened if you hadn't done it?"
Colby sniffled. Shook his head. "Punished. I would've been punished for it. But that doesn't change anything." His father's punishments were never physical. He had a way of shaming and guilting him that no other person alive could do.
"Would those people still be alive?"
"No." Simple, real answer. "My father wanted them dead. It still doesn't make it okay." He pressed his lips together. "I didn't want him to think I was weak. I can't be weak. You don't know what he's like. I can't—he's—I'm afraid—all the time. I don't want to be afraid." But he was obviously struggling to let that fear free itself. Because how did someone let their fears surface, knowing there was no way to bury them again? How do you face going back to a life that made you afraid?
Jae cupped his face. "Colby, you are the strongest person I've ever met." He spoke with such conviction, it hurt Colby to hear it. "And if this is being weak—if you are truly weak—then I guess I'm weak too, because—I'm pretty sure I'm kind of—in love with you." Apparently, it also meant not holding anything back, or suddenly being unable to hold anything back. And if that was labeled as weak, then he was in top form. "I think it happened when I stabbed you." Colby let out a sloppy laugh that hinted at sobbing. "Because I saw it in your eyes, how strong you are. You did the hard thing. The right thing, but the hard thing. That is not weakness. I am—in awe of your strength. And you helped me find my own again."
Colby wriggled out of his grasp and leaned forward, his breaths heavy and coarse.
Jae didn't mean it.
He couldn't mean it.
But the honesty he spoke with, made every muscle quake in the need to let go.
"I really need you to leave," he shook out. He didn’t want any witnesses to whatever the hell was about to let loose inside of him. Jae realized it was pride, at stake. But there wasn’t anything left to hide, not really.
"I’m not going to think any less of you."
And those words broke Colby.
Tears. So many. And the struggle to fight it.
Anger, at himself for not having better control. Or the ability to fight this.
Crying was weak. Men didn't cry. Kings—didn't cry.
He batted at Jae who was trying to do something and a moment later, Colby was lying on his side sobbing out his anger, fear, and confusion.
A tall, scrawny body slid in behind him, an arm coming across his own and for reasons onl
y his sobbing could express, Colby's hand wound into that other hand suddenly afraid and unable to let go. How was it possible to feel so full, and yet so empty, all at the same time?
To never needing anyone, to instantly needing someone so badly, it felt like your very life depended on them. Like he would die, if Jae wasn't with him.
He had it right.
Real.
Love.
Hurt.
Like.
Hell.
CHAPTER 17
Elisha finished hunting, and padded her way toward the wagons when she heard it. A familiar voice calling out.
"Hello. Hello. Anyone?"
She sneered, annoyed. Her stomach full, her Master's pain wreaking havoc on her own thoughts, and dying to get back to him and instead, she sought out the voice. She approached cautiously, hearing another voice as well.
"Go ahead, keep yelling. No one's going to hear you."
"Can't you just tell me how to get back to the wagons?" Katana was pleading.
"Like I said, for a price."
"What could I possibly give you, Ghost?"
Elisha scowled. Duppy, up to no good again.
"The two you're with, they have a weapon. I want it."
"Yeah, that's not going to happen, idiot. I'll find my own way, thanks. I'll find the right path back… eventually." She didn't sound too positive about it.
"Come on now. You really think those boys wouldn't sell you out?" Duppy taunted.
"Actually, no. They would not. And neither will I. So move on, or what the heck ever, and let me find my way home!" Katana stormed off only to gasp and stop. "Elisha!"
The Catawitch had sauntered out of the woods to save the young woman. It seemed perhaps she was to be trusted, after all.
"What are you doing out here wandering through the woods?" she purred. "The Grimble woods are easy to get lost in."
"No kidding." She shook her head in heavy sarcasm, and relief.
Elisha hissed at the unfriendly ghost, who scowled right back at her. "Give up, Duppy. Go find someone else to bother."
He mumbled something under his breath, but popped out.
Katana sighed. "Thank God you found me. I was starting to think I might never find my way back. I got bored, decided to take a walk and the next thing I knew—" she waved her arms crazily over her head. "Lost!"
"Good for you I know the way home." Although, what awaited there was only heartbreak in the form of her Master and his friend. Or—what did she call Jae? He was far more than a friend it turned out.
"Lead the way, please," Katana ground out. "I'm exhausted and ready for bed. Unless those boys have decided to have some fun?"
Elisha's head lowered. Fun was not in the cards, even remotely.
"Don’t tell me they are still brooding?"
Elisha did not respond, but led the way home. Upon returning, Katana decided not to bother the young men. The few inches the door was open warned her amply, to not to go in there. This was a scene she wanted no part of.
"Um, tell them I got lost and am going to bed, huh?"
Elisha nodded, warily.
Katana turned, a sly grin on her face. Duppy had not let her down. His little lost lamb routine had worked almost too perfectly. And with whatever the heck craziness was going down in the wagon with the young men, she was actually grateful she didn't need to face them tonight.
She did have a moment of sympathy. A quick one, that passed almost as fast as it lasted. They were so obviously broken in more ways than one. And far too obviously now, never going to flirt with her—and therefore, fall for her enough to let their guard down. Her suspicions had proven true—they liked each other. And that's exactly what she needed now because it would make her new plan that much easier to execute.
Elisha snuck inside the wagon to the sounds of so much pain she felt every sob as if it were her own. She cried out a muted meow to let him know she was with him. And for the first time, she warmed to another human other than her Master. Jae understood. He could help where she could not.
And oddly enough, she held no jealousy over sharing Colby with someone else. Only his happiness mattered to her. So instead, she took her post to guard the door while her Master sobbed out his woes.
CHAPTER 18
It was getting late, and Meghan's eyes drifted closed for the briefest of moments. She shook herself awake, unwilling to let this night end, quite yet. These last days had been the most time she'd spent with her brother in what felt like an age. And although there was some heavy stuff involved, it wasn't so unlike the old days of lounging around the campfire without a serious care in the world, chatting about nothing important, and having—fun. Yeah, that was the word. Fun. It did still exist.
Meghan winced, putting a hand to her forehead.
"You feeling okay?" Sebastien laid his hand on her shoulder. "Headache still bothering you?" She'd suddenly taken on a rather sickly pallor.
"Um," she closed her eyes for a second. "Yeah, I'm okay. I guess." She didn't look okay and a breath later winced again at an intense pressure poking around her mind.
Colin sensed out and easily saw she was not okay. But it wasn't her that was ill. It was Colby. Colin had never attempted to penetrate the guy's thoughts before, had never wanted to. Or had reason to. And also, didn't want the guy trying to get into his.
But whatever was going on in Colby's mind at this moment in time, it had split wide open for both he and Meghan to wade through, freely.
"It's Colby," Meghan whispered, on Sebastien and Ivan's behalf. She tried to keep her own block in place—there were still things she didn't want Colin to see about his parents, plus her own secret she'd never told anyone, not even Sebastien—in that her father had plans to use her as some sort of magical conduit to create his new Stone.
"What's wrong with him?" Colin shook his own head like he wanted to shake out the extra, unwanted presence. Now that he was tuning in, it suddenly seemed near impossible to tune out. Too bad being in different worlds didn't cut off the mind connection they had—all made possible by the Immortality Stone, and their combined connection to it. It was the first time the three of them had tuned into each other like this, though, and now that it was happening, it was almost like the Stone was sucking them in so deep there was no getting out.
Colin had never foraged around Colby's mind before and wondered what exactly he'd find in there. After all, the guy had tried to kill him before. He'd been far too nice about it, in his view. And mainly only because he was Meghan's actual twin. But there was something else going on here too, something he could not access, and it wasn't in Colby's mind, but Meghan's. She was trying hard to keep her block in place, but it was weakening the longer Colby's uncontrolled invasion continued. And whatever she was hiding, it was something she didn't want Colin to see.
After all they'd been through, she was still keeping secrets? He'd given up earlier and decided they probably all had some secrets. But now that he was in her mind, it was clear this was specifically being blocked from him. Because she worried about his reaction—man, he was getting sick of that.
But before he pressed further in, Colby's thoughts screamed into both of their minds as if he had lost all control of every thought, or memory, he'd ever had. Colin latched onto his mind, sinking into an almost trance-like state as he was sucked in even deeper.
Sebastien grasped Meghan by the shoulders, but she was unable to answer his question of, what was happening—speaking was impossible. She held the sides of her head like whatever Colby was shoving in there, was too much, too fast.
The lights in the room flickered, on, off, on off, on off, until with a zap, the room plunged into darkness, a moment later replaced by a silvery haze that spread out all around them. Sebastien and Ivan twisted to see Colin, who was staring like the dead, into nothing.
"I've got a bad feeling about this," Ivan mumbled. Sebastien was right there with him in the ominous feeling department.
"Colby," whimpered Meghan. She was being
taken down a forced trip through memory lane. All the things she didn't know about her twin. Each new piece of his history flooring her in a different gut wrenching manner. How had she never fully realized how bad he'd had it? She'd been so focused on fulfilling the prophecy, and trying to bring him over to her side, to fully appreciate him, and his side, his life, and what he'd experienced—more like, survived.
She'd only thought of the future she was supposed to secure by taking down her father and destroying the Stone. She had not once thought about the choices she made, and what it had meant to her twin. She'd had disturbed thoughts before—wondering what it would be like to be raised by her father, and imagining it something akin to Hell—but the reality of it—Colby's life had been that Hell. The consequences—he was shattering right down to his soul. And she was shattering right along with him.
How different her life might have been—as bad as she'd ever had it, as afraid as she'd ever been, as lonely or terrified or confused as she'd ever been—Colby had experienced all of those, tenfold.
Meghan took on an instant new appreciation for Elisha. Even Nona, who was tuned into Meghan's mind, had to admit her nemesis was one of the few things that had given Colby any solace in his life. But Elisha hadn't always been around. There were a lot of years he survived, before that.
Sebastien got down to face level and swiped away some of the tears Meghan hadn't even realized were falling—"What's happening?"
"It's so—" she had no words for how bad it was. "Oh Sebastien, he's in so much pain. I didn't think. I didn't think about what my actions meant for him. How could I do that? How did I not even think about that?"
Meghan pictured finding out Uncle Arnon was evil—after spending her entire life believing he was not, and how she'd feel about that. And it dawned on her all she'd ever done since she'd known her twin, was ask him to do the one thing he could not—betray his father.
No, not betray—but hate. She was asking him to hate the man who'd raised him.
Redeem (The Mage Mirrors, The Fallen Queen, and The Forgotten Child) (A Fated Fantasy Quest Adventure Book 10) Page 14
