Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  “Well, let them in, son.” Ma’s voice sounds behind me and I startle. A knock taps on the door again and I open it.

  Danie is hanging on the woman again and I feel like I’m in a déjà vu only her head is turned my way staring at me with big brown eyes that are full of tears. “Ah, Mr. Evans.” The woman smiles. I can’t take my eyes off of Danie. It does seem there is a little bit of a resemblance. She sniffs as more tears fall down her little cheeks.

  “Well, let them in, Kane.” Ma stands beside me and I turn and look at her. She gasps when she sees Danie, covering her mouth with her hands. When she takes them away she’s smiling with tears in her eyes.

  “Mr. Evans. It might be easier if I come in with her and stay until she gets a little acclimated.” She tightens her hold and gives me a smile.

  “Uh, sure. Sorry.” I take a step back and wave my hand out in welcome. She walks in and I lead her to the couch. “This is my mom, Barb Evans. Ma, this is Mrs. Webster.” I watch Caroline sit down, keeping Danie on her lap. Ma walks over and sits in a chair close to where they are.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Webster.” She smiles.

  Caroline smiles back. “Please, call me Caroline,” she says as she looks down at Danie, “This is Danie.” She looks up at Ma. “This is your granddaughter. Danie, this is your grandmother. Can you say hi?” She looks at Danie. Danie turns her head and looks at Ma and smiles shyly. I walk over and sit on the other end of the couch from them, not knowing what to do. “And honey, this is your daddy. Can you tell him hi?” Danie’s head turns, her brown eyes wide. God, she’s cute. Looks like Courtney but has my eyes. I can’t believe I helped make her. “Can you tell Daddy how old you are?” Danie holds up three fingers. Caroline laughs softly. “Yes, but you’ll be four in just a few months.”

  “Danie?” Ma speaks and Danie turns her head back to her. “Would you like to see your new room? I bet there’s some new toys in there to play with too.” Danie nods and as Ma stands, Danie slides off Caroline’s lap, looking back at her from over her shoulder.

  “Oh, what a lovely idea. Go along, Danie,” Caroline says.

  Danie stands and Ma reaches her hand to her. Danie looks up at Ma, hesitates for a brief minute, and then takes her hand. Hers looks so small in Ma’s. I let out a big sigh as I watch them walk out of the room and into the small hallway.

  “Well, that was a great idea your mom had. Now we have a chance to talk,” Caroline says. I give her a nod and hope I can take it all in. She looks down as she opens a large canvas bag that I didn’t even notice she had. She produces a notebook and reads then looks up and into my eyes. “Danie hasn’t spoken since we picked her up from the police station in Ohio. She’s been through a traumatic experience.” My eyes widen and my brows raise. “Luckily, she wasn’t in the car with Courtney. She was at daycare and Courtney was on her way home. The loss of her mother has been very hard on her and at such a young age, it’s been most difficult. You might consider therapy for her. I have contacts if you need them that specialize in working with children. I have here her medical records, birth certificate which you can speak to a lawyer and they can tell you how to request to have your name signed legally as her father.” She keeps digging in the bag and pulling out more things. She looks up. “I have a large bag in my car with as many clothes of hers I could fit in there and a box full of photographs, things she’s drawn and made at daycare, her dolls, and various other toys. There’s some framed pictures as well. They might go lovely in her new room and help her settle.” I can only nod again. I can’t imagine what Danie has gone through, what she’s going through now. This has to be so foreign to her. Scary. Caroline stands and smooths her hand down her skirt. “I’m just going to go check on her. If she seems okay then I’ll go.” She starts to walk towards the hallway but stops and turns. “Did you have any questions, Mr. Evans?” I shake my head slowly. I have a gazillion questions but the only person who can answer them isn’t speaking. She smiles. “I know this is a lot to take in, just as it is for her. If you have questions later, you have my card.” She turns around and disappears down the hallway and I lean back and blow out a breath. Shit, I may need therapy myself. This is so much to take in but God, she’s beautiful. So small. Sweet. I need to figure out how to get her comfortable here, comfortable with me. Maybe then she’ll open up. I need to call Bria too. What in the hell do I tell her? This is such a shock to me. I’m not sure how she’ll react.

  I walk down the small hallway and as I get to her room, I stop in the doorway, taking it all in. My apartment isn’t small so the rooms are a nice size, each with their own bathroom and a half bath off the hall. I lean against the frame, crossing my arms, and smiling at the scene. Ma and Danie are sitting on her bed. Caroline is sitting on the rocking chair watching, and they’re playing dolls. Danie isn’t speaking but there’s no mistake about her cute laughter. Well, we know her voice does work. “Oh, my! I think that is my favorite doll.” Ma’s voice is comforting, reassuring. Danie looks up at Caroline and frowns.

  “Right. I’ll get your bag, sweetie.” She turns and walks towards me and I step back into the hall.

  “I’ll come with you and get the box,” I tell her.

  We leave, getting the things from her car. She tells me to take the car seat as well but I told her Ma got one when we were shopping. Ma thought of everything, thank fuck! Once back inside my apartment she turns to me. “Well, I think she’s doing rather well, considering. I’m just going to go tell her goodbye and if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call me. I’ve grown rather fond of her in the short time I’ve had her.” Her eyes glisten with unshed tears as she smiles sadly and walks back to Danie’s room.

  I decide to stay in the living room. I can hear Danie crying but shortly she stops and then Caroline walks back into the living room, wiping her eyes. I follow her to the door and hold onto it as she turns to me. “Thank you, Caroline. For everything.” I reach out my hand but she surprises me by giving me a hug. I hug her back and then she releases me, taking a step back.

  “I get so emotionally involved in this job but Danie – she’s something special.”

  I smile. “Visit any time.” Her eyes widen and then soften. She gives me a small wave and I watch her walk out of the building. Closing the door, I’m a little nervous of what’s to come but I know Ma will help me all she can. I just hope that before she leaves to go home, she tells me what the fuck to do with her. I’m so in over my head.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Bria

  He hasn’t answered my texts and I’m beyond confused, scared, and worried. He seemed fine a couple of days ago, but yesterday, nothing. We’ve been inseparable for over two months and then all of a sudden he has no contact. I don’t understand. What could have happened? Oh, my God! I wonder if he was in an accident! No, Irish would have called me or Taren. Even Barb has my phone number, she would have called. Now, I’m back to confusion. I clean my house all morning, trying to take my mind off my frustration and of him. I’m kneeling on the floor in the kitchen, scrubbing the tile by hand, when my phone vibrates on the breakfast bar. I groan as I get to my feet, rubbing my lower back as I walk to the counter. I straighten when I see his name flashing on the screen. I pick it up quickly and accept the call.

  “Kane. Are you alright? I’ve been so worried.” My heart beats frantically wondering what’s been going on and if he’s okay.

  “Bria. I’m so sorry. Something came up yesterday and well…. I wasn’t sure how to tell you. I’m still not sure.” He sounds sad, scared, and worried. Something bad must have happened.

  He’s afraid to tell you.

  You’re love isn’t strong enough.

  He’s afraid he’ll lose you or that you’ll run.

  “Kane. Please, tell me,” I whisper, my voice shaking.

  Silence except for his labored breathing. It must be horrible. I’m dying inside with curiosity. God, please help him. Help us.

  “Bria, I…. This is so hard. I
didn’t want to tell you this over the phone but…. I….” My hearts stops and plummets. He’s breaking up with me. He’s crushing my soul. I put my hand on my forehead then cover my heart. Quickly, I cover my mouth, trying to hold onto the sob that wants to burst from it. Silence. I wanted him so much, gave my all to him. My virginity, my body, my heart, mind, and soul. This is what I get for believing I could be happy. That someone would want to love me, care for me. I’ll never date again. Never give my heart to another person only to have it shattered. It doesn’t matter. I’ll never get over him.

  “I have a daughter.”

  Wait! What? Huh?

  Everything comes back in slow motion. My heart, my breathing, my sanity. Wait! Did he just say he has a daughter? Okay, maybe my sanity coming back was a stretch. “Wha…. What did you just say?” My confusion just went up several notches.

  I hear him let out a big sigh. “I found out yesterday that I have a daughter. She’s three and a half, nearly four, and her mother was killed in a car accident. I had to go take a paternity test and I’m her father. She’d been in the custody of child services. Ma and I went shopping yesterday after we found out the test was positive and got her all set up in my spare bedroom. That’s why I didn’t answer your texts and voicemails yesterday, Bria. I was so scared to tell you.” My mind is fluttering in a million directions. “I was afraid and still am that I would lose you,” he whispers. “Please, tell me I didn’t lose you.”

  I have no idea how many women he’s gone out with, slept with, but I got the impression from Irish it’s been many. He told me I am the first one he’s slept with without a condom although I know that using one isn’t full proof. I might have been a virgin but I’m not stupid. “Oh,” I whisper, my voice cracking with emotion.

  “I know this is a shock, trust me I’m still dealing with finding out but God, Bria. She’s beautiful. She’s withdrawn from losing her mom and meeting me for the first time but she’s so precious. I know this changes things with us but I don’t want it to. I want to be with you but now I have her and I really think this could still work with us. I just…. I don’t want….” He’s stumbling. My heart soars with him still wanting me. “I don’t want anything to come between us but she’s part of my life now. I’m all she has.” My heart breaks for him, his voice is so full of love for a daughter he didn’t know he had. God, I didn’t think I could love him any more than I already do, didn’t think it was possible, but I do. “Bria?” he whispers. I come back in focus and smile, like he could see me through the phone. “Please say something.”

  “I’m here. A daughter. What is her name?”

  His voice changes as he tells me her name, describes her to me, and we end up talking for a long time. He sounds relieved by the time we hang up, me promising to come over to his apartment in an hour to meet her, get to know her. I told him I was worried about her being overwhelmed, only being there since last night, still trying to get acclimated to him and her new surroundings but he said she took to his mom right away. He told me that she seems to feel better with a woman around right now. I’m excited yet a little nervous. I haven’t been around children much, except when I was younger and used to babysit. But I love them. After cleaning all morning, I decided to run upstairs and take a shower, try to look presentable. I head over to Kane’s apartment, stopping on the way, pick up two coffees from my favorite coffee place and some donuts. By the time I park in front of his apartment, I’m nervous yet excited. I grab my goodies and walk to his front door, my hand shaking as I hold it up by the door. Geez, get it together, Bria. You’ve spoken in front of a million people at banquets and all the clients you’ve met and coaxed to get their business. Surely you can handle a little girl. I raise my hand to knock when I hear sounds of giggling on the other side. My heart stops but out of love for this little girl. I can’t imagine what’s she been through, her life changed in a blink of an eye. Finally, I tap on the door, hoping he can hear me over the sounds of his daughter. His daughter. It sounds so foreign yet so right.

  The door opens and my breath catches. Even in total disarray he’s breathtaking. “Bria,” he whispers. He takes a step and puts his arms around me. I bury my face into his neck as I wrap my arms around his slim waist, holding onto the sack of donuts and a small carrier with our coffees. I breathe him in. Musk and him. “Fuck, I’ve missed you,” he whispers in my ear as his nose runs along my face. “Shit. I need to watch my language.” He chuckles. Music to my ears. He squeezes me then pulls back and looks into my eyes. His smile takes my breath away again. “Are you ready?” I nod, eagerly. I am ready. He takes my hand and leads me into the messiest living room I’ve ever seen. He runs his hand over his head and laughs. “Uh. We’ve been playing fort this morning.”

  I look around the room. There’s blankets thrown over his couch, leading to over the chair, creating a make-shift fort. It’s wonderful. The sound of giggles comes from underneath, muffled. “I see that. It’s an awesome fort.” More giggles and my heart begins to pound in my chest.

  “Danie. Come here, please. I’d like you to meet someone.”

  The rustle of the blankets tells me she’s coming out and my heart lodges in my throat. From underneath, two small hands appear and then a small body. She stands and I can’t stop my smile. It’s like looking at a miniature Kane, only cute and girly. Big brown eyes look up at me, long dark lashes, and a cute button nose. Oh, my God, she’s so cute. “Danie, this is Bria. Can you say hi?” She looks up at Kane, a mess of long brown hair all around her. She looks back at me and gives me a small smile then raises her little hand and waves.

  I bend down, trying to get more on her level, and smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Danie.” I look back at the fort and then at her. “Looks like you and Daddy are having fun this morning.” She nods quickly and her smile grows. “I brought you some donuts. Would you like some?” She looks up at Kane and I turn my head to look up at him. He smiles and nods. She claps and has the biggest smile. She’s precious. I stand and smile back. “Good. How about we go into the kitchen so we don’t get anything on your fort. Can you show me the way?” She nods and then walks towards the kitchen. I look at Kane as he takes the coffees from my hand and we start walking together. “Oh, Kane. She’s beautiful.”

  “Thank you. I still can’t believe she’s mine. I’m so glad you’re here.” He leans into me and kisses the side of my head. We all sit down at the table and I watch as Kane pours Danie a small glass of juice and grabs some paper plates and paper towels. He gets her a donut and then sits down as I pass him his cup of coffee. “Thank you.” He gives me a smile and wink. We sit and eat and drink, the silence not uncomfortable. Once we’re done and clean up, I get roped into playing in the fort with them. I never laughed so hard. We played hard and laughed so much my sides hurt. We eat lunch and then Kane puts her down for a nap. I help him clean up his living room, then we both sit down on the couch with loud sighs.

  “I never knew a little girl that size could wear me out.” He laughs.

  I let out a laugh but my sides are still sore from laughing earlier. “Just think if you had two of them,” I reply thinking about how much fun Charles and I used to have when we were little. We’d wear out Mom and Dad all the time. Thinking back, I wonder how they did it, how they handled us with so much energy. I’m broken from my memories as his hand slides around me, pulling me into his side. He kisses the top of my head and I lay it on his shoulder.

  “I hope to have more than one someday. With you,” he whispers.

  My heart skips a beat or two at the thought. I look up and see just how serious he is. My eyes widen with his confession. He leans down and kisses me, hard. God, I’ve missed him. I know it’s only been one day but it was one day too many. He turns to face me so I do the same then he takes my hands in his. “Bria. I know this is all a shock. Believe me, I’m just as stunned by the whole thing but her mother was killed in a car accident and I’m all she has.” I open my mouth but he stops me. “I know this doesn’t
look well in your eyes. I can understand that. I’m sure you’ve heard about my, uh, extracurricular activity.” He looks down, like he’s ashamed. I purse my lips from speaking. “I’m, uh…. Well….” He looks up at me and squeezes my hands. “I’m not proud of who I was before but I’ve changed. You’re the one for me, Bria.” My heart takes off with his words. Words I’ve longed to hear. “I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. And now, I have Danie too. I feel so full of love right now.” He leans towards me and kisses me. “I love you,” he says against my lips.

  “I love you too.” I press my mouth against his. His tongue enters as our arms wrap around each other. This is heaven. This is what I want, what I’ve waited for. I want him.

  He rubs the side of my face with his just like I love. “God, I’m so happy, Kitten. You’ll see. I’ll make you the happiest woman in the world. I’ll make both of you so happy.” Oh, my God! I’m dying here in his arms, with his words of love. We both turn our heads when we hear a sound coming from Danie’s room. Crying. It sounds like she’s crying. He looks at me as he stands. “I’ll be right back.” I watch him leave the room, my heart breaking at her sounds. Poor thing. I lean back and wait and wait until it feels like he’s been gone a long time. I stand and walk to the hallway then to Danie’s room and stop in the doorway. He’s sitting on her bed, holding her in his arms. She’s crying into his chest. He looks up at me, sadness filling his eyes. I walk into the room and Danie looks up, her eyes swollen with tears. “Bad dream?” I ask in concern. She turns in his arms and holds her little hand out to me. I tilt my head and look at him. He nods, giving me a sad smile. I walk over and sit beside him and she immediately crawls into my lap, throwing her arms around my neck, burying her sweet little wet face into my neck. I put my arms around her and look over when she removes one of her arms from their tight hold and leans down, taking Kane’s hand in hers. I’ve never had my heart filled so full, not since I was a little girl. That’s what I want. That deep love. The love that flows freely, wraps around you like a blanket. I want that so badly. I look at Kane, his head bent down looking at his daughter. He doesn’t even know her, didn’t know of her existence until yesterday yet, it’s as if he’s loved her all her life. It took us a while to calm her but finally she fell asleep in my arms, still holding Kane’s hand. He lifts her from my lap and I stand and watch him tuck her in, kiss her softly on her forehead. My heart just swooned again for this man.