Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  His arm stretches behind Danie and his hand squeezes my shoulder. “Yeah, we need to talk but I’m open to whenever.” I smile, feeling a bit better, but I don’t want him to say that just because he was put on the spot either.

  “Well, the sooner the better, if you ask me,” Pop speaks as he passes the bowl with the corn on the cob to Caylan.

  “Yeah, no time like the present. We aren’t getting any younger.” Caylan smiles at us and takes an ear of corn, passing the bowl to Irish.

  Irish smiles at Caylan, her love for him so obvious in her eyes. “Yep, gotta move so you have plenty of time to enjoy your lives. Seems like time goes so quickly.” She passes the bowl on to Brock and he just looks into Taren’s eyes, placing his hand on top of her very large stomach.

  “Yes, everything passes by in a blink of an eye,” Taren says looking deeply into Brock’s eyes, covering his hand on her stomach.

  Brock passes the bowl over Taren after she takes one and Barb takes it. “Personally, I couldn’t wait to marry Stan and begin our lives together. We couldn’t wait to have children and grow our family.” She smiles at me as she passes the bowl to me.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Evans.” I smile back.

  “Barb, please.”

  “Uh, well, we’ll let you know but I’m not opposed to marrying as soon as we can.” He leans down and hugs Danie, her smile showing she knows her daddy loves her, then he places his hand on the back of my neck. He looks at me with a grin. “It’s really up to Bria. I’ll do whatever she wants.” My heart flutters.

  “Whipped,” came out as a cough.

  We both look up and see Caylan grinning behind his ear of corn.

  Kane forms a fist and acts like he’s coughing. “Says the man who fell so hard and fast and bent over backwards to get Irish.”

  We all start laughing and Caylan smiles, holding out his fist to Kane across the table. They fist bump and we laugh even harder. Family. This is what a family should be like. My heart takes a dive, thinking about Daddy. He’ll never allow this union. Not in a million lifetimes. The rest of the evening is filled with laughter, talk, and so much love. Danie played so hard out in their backyard that she fell asleep sitting on Mr. Evans – Pop’s lap. He didn’t mind, in fact he told Kane just to let her stay and sleep in his old room, but Kane was leery since Danie wasn’t awake to ask. He’s so careful with her, so concerned about her well-being. You’d never know he wasn’t used to having children around as he’s the best daddy I’ve ever seen.

  “I wish you both were coming home with me,” I whisper in his ear as I lean against him. His back is against the door of his truck, Danie is fast asleep all strapped into her car seat in back. We’ve been telling each other goodbye for the last twenty minutes, neither of us wanting to leave each other.

  “I know, baby. I wish we were too. God, I already miss you.” He pulls me closer and kisses me hard, his tongue pushing into my mouth in heated pleasure. I don’t need any help. I’m about to combust as it is.

  I kiss him back just as hard and stop, leaving my lips against his, to try to take a breath. “You could always just move in with me. We could take Danie shopping and let her pick out a few things for her new room there. Even if you don’t move in yet, we could still do that so she has a room of her own at my house. Or will that confuse her? I don’t want to do anything that will….” He stops me with his mouth and then grins against mine.

  “You talk too much.” He chuckles.

  “But I just want….” He kisses me again and I laugh.

  “You’re wasting our precious time with words.” Another hard kiss and my eyes roll back into my head. God, his lips and tongue are magical. “I know what you want, Kitten, and I am going to do everything in my power to give it to you. Everything your heart desires and more.” I hug him tighter around his neck, my fingers scratching through his short hair. “God, woman, you’re killing me.” I smile against his mouth and reach down between us and begin rubbing his hardened cock through his jeans.

  “I want you so badly,” I whisper. I’m trying to convince him to come home with me but then I gasp when his hand cups me through my shorts. “God!” He doesn’t play fair! His mouth captures mine so hard I feel my lips bruising.

  “Shhh-h-h.” He laughs.

  “Get a room!” Our heads turn towards the front door and see Brock and Caylan standing in the doorway, laughing. Kane lets go of me with one arm and raises it, flipping them off. They bust out laughing and shut the door.

  “I guess we should go,” I say quietly, not wanting to leave him.

  He shifts against the door and smiles. “How about I bring Danie over tomorrow after work and that’ll give me a chance to talk to her about everything?” I nod and smile. “I’m bringing her over here to spend the day with Ma and Pop tomorrow, with Pop’s insistence, so we’ll come over right after I pick her up.” He raises up and kisses me again.

  I take the initiative or we’ll never leave. I kiss him once again and take a step back. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work.” I take steps backwards, staring into his eyes, until my back hits my car door. I let out a laugh and turn, walk around my car, and give him a wave as I watch him get in his truck. He waves back and I get into my car. God, I feel like a lovesick teenager but it’s so hard to leave him. Finally, I have everything I’ve always wanted. Well, almost everything. I don’t think I’ll ever truly have my daddy’s love, not like I wish I could have. Once home, I answer some emails and then take a hot bubble bath then climb into bed, wishing I was in Kane’s arms.

  “You’re pregnant.”

  I bolt up into a sitting position, my hand covering my heart that’s beating entirely too fast. Was that a dream? It seems so real. Oh, my God! I squeeze my forehead trying to remember when my last cycle was. Shit! I throw the covers off me and dash down the hallway and into my office, jogging to the desk and pull out the top drawer. I have to take out a few things to find the calendar containing my entries each month with them. Shit! Shit, shit, shit! “No.” For a dream that’s about as real as I would like but I guess tomorrow I need to go to the store and get a home pregnancy test. Maybe it’s just nerves or stress. God, I can only hope. It’s not that I don’t want a child, especially with Kane but there’s too much going on to bring another life into everything, at least right now. I’m not stupid. I know there really isn’t a “good” time but I’d hoped to be married for a few years, get settled, and have Danie be a little older and maybe mended a little more. I sigh. Well, I don’t think I’ll get much sleep now.

  * * * * * *

  My phone vibrates in my purse and I answer it, still looking at the computer screen. “Bria Daniels.”

  “Twinkles!”

  I smile at the sound of Charles’ voice. “Just the person I wanted to talk to. What are you doing for lunch?”

  “Having it with you?” He laughs.

  “Good answer. How about our favorite place. Say noonish?”

  “You got it. See you soon!”

  I end the call, excited to share my news but dread what I need to confide in him. He’ll know what to do. He’s always given me the best advice and has always been there for me. I’m a bit dizzy with everything that is going on but I need to figure out what to do. Do I tell Kane? What if I’m just late? Should I take the test first and then decide? The next few hours I pour myself into my work, updating files, replying to emails and calling some clients. I have a ton of work to get done this week and may need to do some from home after hours. I tell Irish goodbye and drive to Charles’ and my favorite spot. It’s a family owned restaurant that has an outside deck to eat on overlooking a beach and the ocean. They have the best homemade food. I’m early so I grab us a table on the deck and order us both a lemonade. Mine is half gone when he arrives, kissing me on my cheek and then sitting down beside me. I look over at him and furrow my brows.

  “Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my face?” I reach up and rub my fingers across various parts of my face. He continues to
stare then leans on the table, getting closer.

  “You’re absolutely glowing. What’s going on?” He won’t take his eyes from mine, making me a little self-conscious.

  “I don’t know about glowing. I was out in the sun a bit yesterday.” He play smacks my hand and I laugh. “Kane asked me to marry him,” I blurt out. His brows raise but then they lower, his face softening with a huge smile.

  “Congrats! I’m so happy for you, sis. When’s the big day?” He takes a drink of his lemonade and leans back in his chair. I bite my lip, looking everywhere but at him. I look down at my menu, trying to read what to order but I’m not focusing very well. “Hey.” I look up as he places his hand on my arm, his eyes full of concern. “Spill it.”

  “It shows that much?” I ask, knowing good and well it does. Mother always said I hid things well but if it was really bothering me that I wore my feelings on my sleeve. I could never hide anything bad from her. She always knew.

  “Yeah, just like one hundred percent. Now, spill.”

  I bite down on my lip harder and then lift my chin. “I think I might, maybe, be pregnant.”

  His eyebrows raise up into his forehead and his eyes widen. “You think you might be, maybe?”

  The waitress comes to the table and we order quickly. Being here so many times we know what we want without having to look much at the menu.

  “Bria?”

  I look over at him and shrug. “I’m late so I’m not sure.”

  He leans in and takes my hand. “Go get a test. I will be with you if you want.” That’s a good idea. I’d love to have him with me, just in case I have a meltdown.

  “Would you?”

  “Of course.” He squeezes my hand and I give him a small smile. “Why don’t we go get one after we’re done eating and take it to your house. You might have a better rest of the day if you’d know for sure or not.”

  “Or I might have a breakdown.”

  “Oh, come on, sis.” He smiles as he releases my hand and picks up his drink. “Would it really be that bad if you are? I mean, Kane asked you to marry him. You said yes. Danie loves you and you have your huge house with only you there. You’re young and in love. What’s to be sad about?”

  He’s right, of course. It takes nine months to bring a child into the world. In that time, Danie might be doing great with her therapy or even done with it. Kane and I could be married by then and our house would be filled with love. A happy family. What better thing to bring a baby into. “You’re right. We’ll go after lunch.” Now I’m full of excitement and wonderment. When I decorate Danie’s room with her, maybe I could also begin working on another room for the baby. A baby. Our baby. A part of Kane and a part of me.

  I don’t even remember eating lunch. I’m not even sure I ate much. Next thing I knew, I was in a bathroom at the nearest drug store, not wanting to wait until I got home, standing with my back against the wall and trying not to look at the stick on the counter. Nervousness overtakes me. My hands shaking, yet, excitement and anxiousness were there as well. I just haven’t gotten a grip on my emotions yet. Am I ready to be a mother? Is Kane ready to be a father, of a newborn? I can already see his love for Danie and how fast he changed into a protective and loving father but will he be upset to learn another is on their way when his life has already changed so abruptly? I look over at the stick, lost in my thoughts. My eyes squint as pounding starts on the door.

  “Bria! You okay?”

  Charles’ voice sounds concerned but I’m too focused on the blue lines to answer. I take a tentative step towards the counter, then another, not taking my eyes from the stick. I pick up the empty box and turn it over reading once again what the lines mean. My heart’s beating so fast and hard that it feels like it’s at the base of my throat, my ears full of a buzzing sound. “Positive,” I whispered into the small room. I look up and into the small mirror. Dark bags have formed under my eyes, my face pale.

  “Bria? I’m gonna break this door down if you don’t answer me!”

  Charles.

  I blink rapidly and gather the empty box, throwing it in the small waste can then pick up the stick, looking at it once more, and tuck it into my purse. Running my shaking fingers through my long hair, I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly then turn to the door, unlock it, and open it. Charles nearly falls into me as I take a step.

  “Thank God!” He lets out a breath, grabbing my shoulders to steady himself. He looks at me and his eyes widen, a small smile playing on his mouth. “You’re pregnant.” His voice loud, I look around him in all directions then back at him.

  “Shhhh! Don’t be so loud!” I can’t help the smile that tugs on the corners of my mouth. I’m pregnant. I have a small being growing in my stomach. Part of Kane. Part of me. Suddenly, tears form, and I whisper, “I’m pregnant.”

  He envelopes me in a hug, holding me tightly for a moment then with his arm around me, he begins leading me out of the store. Thank goodness, we’d decided to drop my car off at home so he could drive. No way would I be able to drive home now. I guess I wouldn’t have been able to if I’d found the test to be negative either. I think I would have been sad, disappointed, maybe feeling a loss that I had no right to feel. But now, the anxiety is different. I went from the fear of maybe being pregnant to being sure and am now filled with the wonderment of it all. Pangs of my mother hurl through me, my heart hurting with the thought she would never see her grandchild. Would never meet the man who stole my heart or the endearment of his daughter.

  “So, I’m gonna be an uncle, huh?”

  Torn from my thoughts and emotions, I look over at Charles in the driver’s seat of his car, seeing his face lit up, the same wonderment in his bright eyes. “I guess so.” I shrug, but inside I’m doing a little happy dance.

  “You know you’re gonna be the best mom, Twinkles. How could you not? All those years you babysat and I’ve seen how you look at Danie. You’ll be the best mom ever.” He’d met Danie over at my house. I’d called him and told him about how she came to be at Kane’s, that she’s his daughter, and my fears of his past catching up to him, catching up to us. He had laid my fears to rest, telling me he could tell how much Kane loved me, how special I am to him. He could see it when Kane looked at me, talked to me or about me to Charles. I hadn’t realized that he and Charles had exchanged phone numbers and texted often. Charles had told me that Kane had given some of his own fears to Charles.

  That he wasn’t good enough.

  That his past wouldn’t let me truly give my heart to him.

  That I wouldn’t completely trust that he could change and stay that way.

  Charles told me my heart was bigger than what Kane had thought. Hoped. And I was already in love with him, had given him my heart. I was just a little scared of his past but not of him. Kane had seemed to relax at Charles’ words, hoping against his hope that he could be what I deserved. Little did he know he was more. So much more.

  I smile, really starting to feel his excitement now. “I hope so. I want to be. I hope to give our baby the most love and encouragement I possibly can.” I want to be like my mother was to us. Loving. Tender. Supportive. I look down as he squeezes my hand and when I look up into his eyes, I see the same tears remembering her as I have in mine.

  “You will be.” I nod and look out the front window seeing that he’s pulled into my driveway. We get out and walk inside my house and walk into the kitchen. I go to the fridge and pull out two bottled waters, setting his down on the breakfast bar as he sits down on a stool. “So, when are you going to tell Kane?” He twists off the cap and I replace mine. I let out a long breath, blowing some of my wayward hair aside. “Twinkles.” I know he’s right. I know I should call him and tell him we need to talk. No way does he deserve to hear this over the phone. It needs to be in person.

  “I’m going to call him later tonight, after I’ve had a nice bath and gathered my nerves.” I smile. “I need to see when he can have a little time so that we can be alone and tal
k.” He nods, giving me the reassurance I need. He looks down at his water and then back up at me.

  “And what about Dad?”

  I swallow hard. “Never?” I squeak, my voice suddenly hoarse, my throat dry, as if I’d not had anything to drink for a long time when I’d just almost emptied the bottle of water. I think telling Daddy is my biggest fear of all. He already thinks of me not owning up to what a daughter should be, even though I do whatever I can to be the best I can be, but it’s all business to him – how to succeed and make the most money, get the most clients. Nothing about it has been a father and daughter relationship, even though I longed for it almost my entire young life. It’s as though he blamed me and Charles for our mother’s death – his wife. Once his heart had hardened and he poured himself into his work, his business, Charles and I were left to fend for ourselves until we were old enough to start working for him. I love what I do, love my clients, and have made a name for myself as well as Charles’ designs but how will I continue to put my heart into something once my baby has arrived? Now, I give all my time to my job, except for the time I cherish with Kane.

  Charles laughs. “Yeah, well, I think he’ll notice once your stomach balloons.”

  I lean over the counter and smack his arm playfully. “Balloons?”

  He laughs some more and I find it contagious so I start laughing harder until my sides ache. He grows serious and leans his arms down on the counter, giving me a thoughtful look. “You know. You could have a business out of your house. Hell, you could build an addition on the back with a huge set of small offices, you have plenty of room on your land, and you know most of your clients would follow you. You don’t have to worry about what Father would do, business wise. Your clients love you and you can get new ones in your sleep. You’re that good, Bri. Deep down, he knows that too.” He raises his brows and so many thoughts start invading my head, making me a bit dizzy. “And if he wants to cut you and your baby out of his life, then it will be his loss. I know you’d love for your baby to know him, well, how he used to be, your baby will have so much love they won’t know he is missing from its life.” God, I’d hate for that to happen. I know he’s right but it doesn’t mean I don’t wish for us all to be able to love each other, the way we used to. I’ve longed for it since Mother passed away, wished for it when Father would become upset because I didn’t wear the right dress, or I didn’t have something ready the second he wanted it. Business. That’s all we’ve become to him. I look down when his hand covers mine. “I know you. I know you’re stewing on “what if”? What would it have been like to still have the father we’d grown to love before Mother…?” He misses her too. She would have accepted him the way he is today, unlike Father who sweeps it under the rug. I put my other hand on top of his.