Affliction (Finding Solace)

by Speak, Barbara

  Chapter 10

  I needed a haircut before I went home to see Maddie and had asked Sadie if she could squeeze me in somehow. When she said no, I completely understood. I didn't expect her to show up out of the blue and never did I think the cops would break into my house. It had been 5 months since I had anything to do with that closet. I just didn’t have a clue what to do with it all, other than keep it as my own stash. The longer I owned it and it sat there, the more paranoid I got. A new lock seemed to be added daily. When I was dealing, it was in and then out. With all of it just sitting in my house, I became crazy in a way. How the hell did I get busted when I had stepped away so long ago? And to have Sadie there, it threw me over the edge of sanity. Having them break down the door, throw her to the ground, the fear in her eyes as she searched for me, it all was more fucked up than I could ever explain to you. I hit rock bottom that day and had never felt like such a piece of shit.

  You all know how it worked out. You also know how I cried like a baby. It’s never been easy for me to open up to anyone but with her, I always felt like I could be myself. Then I went and risked so much and never once thought of the consequences. How fucking stupid could I be? Keep reading your about to find out.

  I refused to take things for granted anymore. That opened up my eyes to all the wonderful things I had to appreciate. So when I was fortunate enough to be able to spend Christmas with Maddie, I made sure to get something special for Sadie. I asked Jason to give it to her but I guess you knew that too. When I had the jeweler make it, she looked at me like I was crazy. She kept asking me if the word love wouldn't be more appropriate, like it was her decision to make anyway. I was paying for it, so I think I should get what I asked for. All the days before Christmas I wanted to call Jason fifty times and tell him to forget it. What if she hated it? What if she thought it was too much? I just needed her to know how much she means to me .How that one word ‘Stay’ was everything I hoped we could have together. When I finally did hear from her, she loved it!!!! It felt so good to know that somewhere, somehow we were connected by something.

  Coming back after the holidays meant I could spend more time with her and finally see if this was going to lead us into something. But that time never was spent together, Tony got cancer.

  Sadie spent every extra second she had helping him. I wasn't jealous once. That poor dude almost died, but with all the extra time I had on my hands, I had no choice but to think about my future. Graduation was coming up fast. It seemed to be right around the corner. That was when I went to meet with Western University about the job offer. She was busy and Valentine's day was here. Would there be any point in showering her for a day if it meant the one following it we would go back to questioning everything. So I pulled away again, that one action seemed to be defining me.

  We need to go back a step because I forgot one of my favorite parts.

  Do you remember when Sadie showed up at my place dressed sexier than I had ever seen her, only to show Bryan’s little sister Marissa instead of me?? Holy shit that was funny! She was so mad. Alright, I just had to say something about that one. Now back to the story.

  She was pretty pissed again at me when I didn't tell her why I had been distant. Missing her finally pushed me to the breaking point and I forced myself to call her. She didn't answer so I called until she did. I was going to make her talk to me. There was no way I was going to let her go that easily. But she didn't answer, some dude named Kaleb did and I wanted to lose my shit. Who the fuck was he and why was he answering her phone? I stayed as calm as I could and asked if I could please speak with Sadie. That's when he told me that she was passed out a party. With all the roofies out there and the sicko guys giving them to girls, I made him tell me where they were and I drove over right away.

  She was still passed out but it didn't keep her from swinging at me. You all have no idea how much that shit hurt. She has a serious arm on her. But the need to keep her safe won out and she was home with me within twenty minutes. We talked and then talked some more. I had been worried about how she was going to handle all of us leaving but she assured me that she was going to be okay. I had to accept that too.

  Chapter 11

  Now here is when I tell you everything went to complete and total shit. My life, my love, my self-respect, my everything. I can't go through the story about Maddie again, I just can't. She gave you all the details so I know you have to respect me enough for just this one favor. The rest I will suffer through and tell.

  I came back destroyed. So at first all I thought I needed was Sadie. The whole flight back, she was all I could think of. Once I saw her everything was going to be okay, it wasn't. Then I convinced myself that I just needed to feel her. That if I could have her completely, all my pain would disappear, it didn't.

  And when all of my efforts were spent, I was still broken. Not just for Maddie but now I had hurt Sadie too.

  I should have talked to her that morning. I should have let her understand, I just couldn't. I needed to wallow in my own pity, feel sorry for myself. I pulled away from everyone and everything I knew. I started binge drinking, sleeping with any girl I could get my hands on, just about doing everything I knew not to, because why not? I lost everything and I had nothing more to lose. If I hadn't lost it, I fucked it up and threw my chance away. I had nowhere to go, no body to trust. I was fucked.

  She had tried calling, actually I knew she tried everything she could but I couldn't face her. I always swore that I would never hurt her and in the end I forced myself on her. How much worse could I hurt the girl I loved? And I knew before I got back from Oklahoma that I was without question in love with her. But now I was broken and I didn't deserve her. I'm not sure I ever did. She gave me so many chances. I didn't deserve her forgiveness and I knew it. So I did the one thing I knew how to do best, I avoided her.

  When I got to my house that day and saw her there with Tony, I didn't know what to do. I had been hanging out with the nastiest girl I could find because I knew I didn't deserve better. Her name was Morgan. She would party with me till all hours of the morning and that's all I seemed to have been doing lately. I never wanted Sadie to see me like that and if I wasn't in such a state of shock, I probably could have stopped what happened that day. When Sadie punched Morgan and broke her nose, I didn't even ask Morgan if she was okay. I just stood in place and watched the love of my life drive away. I looked down at Morgan and then turned and walked into my house, never once even looking back. She was a bitch and I was glad Sadie did what she did. The pain in Sadie’s eyes only pushed me down more. I refused to hurt her any more than I already had. She was officially part of my past now or so I tried to convince myself yet again.

  A lot of time had gone by between then and the next time I saw her. Things were getting better because I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided I needed to live instead of exist. When I contacted the University that had offered me the position, I never thought that luck would go my way. I was shocked to say the least to hear that the position was still mine if I wanted it. And believe me, I needed it a hell of a lot more than just wanting it. They even told me I could start immediately. Graduation was right around the corner and I was so thankful that in all my depression, I didn't let my grades slip and fuck up the only thing I had going for me left.

  By this time, I had given up on trying to keep Maddie in my life. Again I ask that you understand my need to not share those feelings. I’m giving you more here than I ever thought I even could, so please understand that one just hurts way to fucking much.

  Shawn and I decided to put together a farewell party for all of the employees that we would lose due to the graduates working for us. As it was we would be leaving with them.

  Everyone showed up for this one, including the one girl I couldn't face. When I saw her walk in, my breath left me. She was more stunning than I could remember. She looked a little lost at first but her head popped up when she heard Tony whistle. She really was better off without me.
The confidence she alluded was truly remarkable. The sad girl I once met had morphed into one amazing woman, one I would never hold in my arms again. That thought brought tears to my eyes so I immediately ducked back into my office. Everyone already knew I lost my shit a couple weeks ago, there was no way they were going to see me cry.

  When I walked in, Shawn was just leaving so I grabbed him before he could make it out the door. I needed to tell him about the job I had accepted. I knew no-one other than him that would share in my excitement. His face showed the pure shock of the situation. It was hard to believe. His first reaction was one I didn't expect out of him at all, "What about Sadie?"

  Not congrats dude or way to go, it was only Sadie on his mind. I couldn't blame him, she was all that was ever on mine as well. I explained the best I could that I couldn't ask her to forgive me. I had already asked for way to much tolerance from her. He didn't push but definitely made his opinion clear when he said, "this is still fixable. Do something before you add this one too to your list of regrets." Then he walked out the door.

  I sat behind my desk with my head in my hands. How can you fix the impossible? The girl I saw walk in, would never want to put up with someone like me. I was finally getting to the point that I could hold my head up, I didn't need to be kicked in the gut. As thoughts were swirling in my head I heard it. The voice that floats through every dream I have was singing Against All Odds by Phil Collins.

  How can I just let you walk away?

  Just let you leave without a trace

  When I stand here taking every breath with you, ohh

  You’re the only one who really knew me at all

  My feet were not my own once again because I would never have walked to that door and opened it. But I found myself looking straight at the most beautiful woman in the world. Only she didn't look the way I had just remembered her. She had her eyes closed but that didn't stop the tears that were falling down her face as she sang and nothing was going to stop the ones falling from mine. Every word in that song ripped at my soul. If she meant what she was singing, she did still want me. How??

  How can you just walk away from me when all I can do is watch you leave

  ‘Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain we even shared the tears

  You’re the only one who really knew me at all

  It was the last words I heard that really caused me to question everything I thought I understood.

  But to wait for you is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face

  Take a good look at me now Cause I’ll still be standing here

  And you coming back to me is against all odds

  It’s the chance I’ve got to take

  Was she really saying she was waiting for me? The need to rip her off that stage and kiss the hell out of her was becoming uncontrollable. I was a bumbling crying idiot. I couldn't do this. I started to really freak out. I had to get out of there. Had to! I damn near ran my ass out of the door and didn't look back.

  Chapter 12

  That whole night I stayed awake thinking and then rethinking of how I could make this work with her. I came up with nothing. But God did I love her. I was starting to realize love isn't enough sometimes. I finally fell asleep but as soon as I woke up I sent her a text asking to talk. Not really, it was more like I told her we needed to talk. I sat there staring at my phone, never looking away from it, not for even one second, wondering if she was ever going to respond. I almost sent her another one saying never mind. That's when it happened. She responded! I couldn’t wait to see her and tell her how sorry I was for everything.

  It was a whole day later that we met up at the coffee shop that she and I used to go to. When I walked in she was sitting at a table already. It was so awkward walking over to join her and I worked harder than ever to hide my nerves.

  She immediately started in on me but I was prepared for this. She said nothing to me that I didn't already know. I hurt her. I pushed her away. I stole any chance we had away.

  I tried to explain how messed up I was. I also tried to get her to see just how wrong it was to forgive me for how I treated her. What I turned our sex into the night I came back, will forever be wrong. I didn't understand how she could so easily look past it all. And then the shock of all fucking shocks came out of her mouth, "Can't I get what little time we have left."

  We continued to talk and it got easier and better. We were slowly becoming us again and it felt so good. I could have stayed there with her forever just like we were, but the lady working there kind of kicked us out. We said goodbye and I thanked her so much for accepting my apology. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she got in her car and drove away.

  The rest of the day was a blur. So many thoughts went through my head. Could I confess it all to her? Did we really have a chance? I thought about it for days before I eventually couldn't take it and I drove over to her house. She wasn't home. I thought about leaving but then her car pulled in her spot and she got out with a huge smile on her face. I loved that it was me that could bring out that reaction with her. She invited me in and offered me a beer. I needed all the liquid courage I could get if I was going all in tonight. We started with the small talk again but this time I couldn’t take it. I needed her to know how I felt. More so, I needed to know how she felt.

  I kissed her so softly. Letting her know I would never force myself on her ever again all in one kiss. When it really hit me that this might be the last time we would be together I lost it. What if she said no. I needed her like I needed my next breath.

  I begged her to let me make it right. Let me take away the last time from her memory and make a new one.

  “Sadie, I can’t believe that this could be the last time I get to have you. I want to do this right this time. Can you let me do that?’

  “Colt, I didn’t think I would get this chance again. I would do anything in this world to feel you inside of me one more time.”

  I did everything in my power to show her just how much I loved her. It was pouring out of me. This was all about her and how I could make her happy. I wanted her happy. She started to rock showing me what she wanted when I stopped her and said, “Remember beautiful, my way.” I wanted to worship her whole body and preserve all the memories that I could. She was breath stealing. She was ready and I knew it, but hearing her say, “I need you. I really need you” caused me to lose it. I was inside of her not one second later. She squeezed all around me almost causing me to blow before we ever really got started. I grabbed her and pulled her in tight to me while I worked off the need to finish. Having her in my arms triggered something in me and I knew what I wanted in that moment was something I had never before done in my life. I made love to the woman who owned my heart. When our eyes locked I was gone for. I wanted to scream at myself for wasting all that precious time, kick myself for letting her go and drown myself in her body forever. I moved in and out in a slow circle rhythm never letting go of her eyes. But I had to let her go. I was leaving and she needed more than a half a man. That was all I could offer her at that point. Sadie figured me out and started to cry. We both knew it was ending, and God did it make it that much harder. She was everything I needed and I never once told her that I loved her. I had so many chances to figure it out and get it right and I failed. I was determined to get my shit straight and then she and I would have our forever.

  After we finished, we laid there while I held her in my arms which was my favorite place for her to be. No words needed to be spoken. Everything was said in that act. I held her so tight I thought she might break until I unwillingly fell asleep.

  I woke up the next morning hating that I had to go. She was still in my arms and I didn't want to ever move. But until I was a whole man, I had to follow through with my plan. I always knew deep down that this wasn't the real end for us. I would never truly let her go. She was my forever girl. I pulled my arm out from under her and slowly leaned down and kissed her forehead. Only because she was sleeping did I work up the ner
ve to let "I love you so much. Please don't give up on me yet" out of my mouth. I stood up, getting one more long look at her so I could burn it into my memory and then turned and walked away.

  Chapter 13

  I left the following day. I couldn't stick around knowing I was that close to her and couldn't have her. Sadie represented what I wanted, not what I deserved yet. Besides, knowing she was dating another guy was like icing on the cake. I had a lot of work to do to earn her.

  The new school allowed me to recreate myself, to become the man I knew I could be, used to be. I got settled in to the place the university reserved for me and actually liked it a lot. The campus was nice and the staff was extremely friendly. Everything seemed to be perfect for a fresh start, but in the forefront of my mind always sat my beautiful girl. I gave space to her that I didn't want to give.

  I went through Mike to get updated on how she was doing and he told me the last thing I wanted to ever hear. Sadie was still seeing that guy Burn, Ash, whatever the hell his name is. I wanted to run to my car as fast as my feet could get me there, drive straight to her and tell her to please wait for me, but I couldn't. I needed to let her experience life. Not trap her in a relationship that keeps her from knowing what being young and free felt like. I knew that what we have couldn't be found somewhere else, or with anyone else for that matter. I waited a couple of weeks but I was dying inside. The thought of her getting closer to this guy ate away at me. I focused on myself getting better. I wanted all of the bitterness to go away. I would hate Jamie forever but with every thought of her came one of my Maddie. I needed to break that chain.