Affliction (Finding Solace)

by Speak, Barbara

  That is when the dagger went through my heart. She wasn't in love with me. She wasn't going to marry me. She was not ever going to be mine again. It hurt so fucking bad. My chest felt like someone was constricting my heart.

  I looked up and grabbed her hands and said, "You really never were mine were you?"

  "You held my heart but never claimed it as yours. So the answer has to be no, I wasn't. But I always felt that I was."

  You know how the rest of that day went. She wasn't changing her mind. I lost everything that I thought was still holding me together. When she left, I tried to tell myself that he was going to screw things up. Men are men after all. We always mess up. She was still going to be mine, I just needed to wait it out.

  The next thing I knew she was living with him and then they were engaged. I went back to my old ways of having fun and hanging out with friends but I never did turn back into the guy that wanted to sleep around and use girls. I had plenty of offers but I didn't see the point. One woman owned my heart and I was hell bent on waiting for her.

  The kids I coached were actually very talented. I had champion after champion in every weight class we have. I loved these kids and I was respected in return. Not only by them but also the staff, so when I was blessed by a visit from Mike, I couldn't wait to show him the team I had put together. If anyone knew how to recognize what I was building it was him. The kids were absolutely star struck which only cracked me up.

  It was that weekend that all of my hopes were crushed. You know I had to ask him how she was. I asked every chance I got. Sometimes he would just offer the information, knowing the question was coming. This time I found out they were getting married the following weekend and to just top the whole fucking thing off, she was pregnant. I picked up the beer I had been drinking and threw it against the wall. The bottle shattered on impact.

  "Dude, you can't act like this is a surprise. I have been telling you all along that this was coming. What part of engaged didn't make you think a wedding was going to happen?" Mike always knew how to rub alcohol in a wound.

  "I'm an idiot!!! I had her and I didn't take care of her. I didn't show her how special she was. I fucked up."

  "And? You have always known what you were doing. You kept her at a distance on purpose. Life doesn't wait around for any of us to finally figure it out."

  "Could you be any more of an asshole?"

  "Actually yes, but I'm not going to beat a dead horse. You lost her, give up and move on."

  "I thought you said you were done?"

  "Now I am. So let’s go get some drinks somewhere, seeing as you threw your last beer at the wall."

  I followed him out of my house, wanting to punch something or someone. I didn't feel sorry for myself anymore, I was just so pissed off at what an idiot I was. She was pregnant!?! It was time to give up for good.

  Well you would think I would take my own advise, but I am glutton for punishment. It was the following weekend and I knew Mike was away at a fight so he wouldn't be around to give me shit. As I pulled into the parking lot I couldn't believe what I was doing. I had Googled where it would be and I guess I thought I needed to see it for myself.

  I was late on purpose. I snuck in quietly and didn't go all the way in. I stayed back far enough to go unnoticed but could still see what I came for and boy did I see. Sadie was the most breath stealing thing on the planet. But it was who was next to her that made my whole body tense up. I never wanted to know anything about the man that stole my girl’s heart away from me. I shut down any conversation pertaining to him. Maybe I shouldn't have because in that moment, I wanted to tear his fucking head off. It was the same guy from that night up at the '51'! I really did do all of this to myself. Had I never wanted any other woman and cherished Sadie the way she deserved, she would never have met him. She would still be mine. In the middle of that thought I heard her sweet voice say, "What I didn't know was that love could feel like this. I didn't know that people had the right to be truly happy, to not have to take the bad with the good." That was all I needed to hear. She was gone from any possibility of ever being mine. I solidified that.I turned and walked away from my forever girl, my future with her, my world and was forced to start all over again.

  Chapter 16

  Over the next couple of months, I found it hard in the beginning, but things seemed to get easier over time. Once I saw her getting married it really did give me the closure that I needed, or that was what I wanted to believe. I started to date again and even found a few that were really fun to be around. Out of sight out of mind was the case for me. One girl started to really stand out amongst the rest, her name is Sabrina. She looked nothing like Sadie. She was tall, almost too thin and had short red hair. Her eyes were a piercing green, which came from her Irish background, along with her pale skin.

  I had been walking with some of the guys on the team down on the strip one night. Lewis, my captain, started to scream at one of the girls walking across the street with a group of her friends. What shocked the shit out of me was the fact that the girls actually started to approach us. I expected them to flip him off or ignore him completely. Once all four of them were close enough for me to see clearly, I noticed one of them stood out far beyond the rest. She had sass and attitude pouring out of her and she hadn’t spoken a word yet. While Lewis flirted and D.J. clammed up, I approached the vixen.

  “Can I ask your name?”

  “You can ask all you want but it doesn’t mean I will give it to you.”

  “Wow, I didn’t expect that. Come on, now you have too. Let me start, my name is Colton Jennings but my friends call me Colt.”

  “Well Colton it’s nice to meet you. My name is Sabrina.”

  “You can call me Colt you know, Colton is so formal.”

  “Until you have earned my friendship, I think Colton is best.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because friendship isn’t something I just give away and I don’t know you at all.”

  That day started a whole new mission for me. I was going to get to know the girl who challenged me and I was going to have fun doing it. I found out from Lewis where she lived and left a Starbucks coffee at her door on day one. On day two, two muffins and one coffee were left. On day three, I left three Irish roses, two muffins and a coffee. On day four when I attempted to leave four chocolate chips cookies, three Irish roses, two muffins and a coffee, Sabrina was standing at the door.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Earning your friendship.”

  “You can’t buy my friendship Colton.”

  “No, but maybe one day you will invite me in to share all of this. Until then…”

  Sabrina grabbed me and pecked me on the lips, pulling herself back with a huge smile on her face.

  “Get inside Colt, it’s getting cold out here.”

  “I knew I’d get you to see it my way.”

  Chapter 17

  Sabrina and I really started to get close. I wanted to be with her every chance I got. She was fun, always happy and made every minute seem like it couldn’t be better. What I had with her started as a friendship. We never pushed for anything to happen, it just did. Sabrina knew everything about me, everything, and nothing about my past bothered her. I started to forget about Sadie completely when I was with her, which definitely was not from effort on my part. I stopped dating the few girls I had been seeing and focused on what was happening with Sabrina and me. She stopped me from beating myself up and gave me so many reasons to smile. I found that she became what I wanted to hold onto at night and she was exactly what I wanted to see every morning when I woke up. Everything with us was great. Well, that was until Jason and Heather's wedding drew closer. I began to pull away, imagine that. Sabrina, knowing me all too well, understood my anxiety about who would be there and let me. She told me that I needed to go, when all I really wanted to do was back out. She forced me to face Sadie and make sure I was over her before there would ever be any real chance between us.


  The day of the wedding came and I still wanted to avoid it. Sabrina had backed away from me, holding firm on the Sadie thing. I understood and respected her for it. As I drove to the wedding I hated myself for always either walking or running away from everything when things start getting rough. I told myself that I was going to stop being a pussy and face her. She was married and having his baby. What was it about her that still messed with my head? When I finally got to the church, I couldn't help but laugh my ass off. Of course Heather had to have the biggest, nicest church in town. I had gotten there a little late but nothing had started yet. When I walked in, I immediately found the gang. God, it had been too long. Shawn, Dave and Bryan were sitting in a pew with their girls in tow. I felt kind of stupid coming by myself but there was no way I was bringing Sabrina with me. The truth is, I begged her, but she forced me to deal with this myself.

  The wedding started and I watched as Megan and then Sadie walked down the aisle. Megan looked good but Sadie completely stole the spotlight. That purple dress made her look like Barney a little bit though. .I laughed to myself, knowing Sadie probably wanted to kill Heather for picking it. She was definitely showing now. In fact she looked like she was due any day, but I would be lying if I said she lost any of her beauty. If anything she gained some, which I wondered how it could even be possible. The ceremony was good but my eye never left her. It all seemed so sad. A few different choices and it all could have been different. She could have been mine.

  After the wedding, we all decided to go back to '51' for nostalgic purposes. When we got there, we lit the place up. All of us had stories to tell. Such little time had passed but so much had changed. When we all had reached the point of complete intoxication, Shawn let us know it was time to go to the reception.

  Once we all got there and found our table, we hit the bar and then settled in. It wasn't long before they were announcing the wedding party and Sadie was walking in with Tony. That is a whole different story. I knew they had slept together. I could tell how everything changes between them after the trip we all took. I am no fool, come on guys. I never once looked down on her for it. She needed to experience life as we all did.

  The toast came next and I just couldn't look away. She stole my ability to focus on anything else. She looked so nervous, I wanted to just go up there and save her. But in the end she finished as I knew she would. Sadie had become so strong and independent. The woman I always knew she was. When she sat back down her eyes scanned the room and landed on me. I couldn't not smile. I was so proud of her. Our eyes locked for a little longer than I think her husband cared for. All of a sudden Sadie looked shocked and then anywhere but in my direction. I hated every minute after that, that I was there. She looked tense and unhappy. I had managed to find another way to mess with her and it was the last thing that she needed this late in her pregnancy. I watched her dance with Tony and then basically beg her husband to talk out in the hall and probably apologize for looking at me. Well I guessed that part but they did go into the hall. I stood, ready to leave but Shawn pulled me back down into my chair.

  "You didn't come here for her. You came to see old friends, so do it."

  I tried my best to ignore the fact my actions caused more drama for Sadie. I relished in the idea I made his life harder though. Come on, like you wouldn't feel the same way about the person who got to have your forever. All of the sudden movement caught my eye near the hallway they went out of. It was him and she was walking in behind him, right toward me. Chills ran through my body.

  She didn't talk to me or look at me at first. Sadie did what Sadie does best, she was being kind and caring toward all of our friends. Once the updates were in on the who's doing what or who, everyone got up to dance. Well, everyone accept for me. When she finally made eye contact with me I asked “Care to take a walk?

  She just smiled at me and said "I would love to, if you don't mind that I waddle more than walk these days."

  Like I could ever mind that, she was more beautiful now than she ever could have been and that is saying something. When we got outside, all I could think to ask was how she had been. She made me laugh when she pointed out the obvious once again and said she had been busy. When she asked me how I was, was exactly when I lost my shit, again.

  At first it seemed I wanted her to feel bad for me but then I changed over to how good things were going. I was all over the place and feeling ridiculous. That was until she brought me out of my own thoughts, telling me she quit her job. I knew how much she loved doing hair. It must have been hard, but I respected her even more for caring more for her unborn children. I always knew in my gut that she would make one hell of a mother. That's why it was so hard to see her get all that from someone else. For so long I pictured her as my forever girl. It was hard to really let that go. "I didn't think it would hurt so bad, seeing you get those things from someone else. You are that girl for me."

  She looked stunned but then told me, "Colt, no I'm not. Whoever is will love you so much more than I ever could have. Maybe things could have been different, but how can we ever be sure it would have worked out for us. If you question it one way, you need to think about the other. At least we can still be friends. If we would have broken up it could have led to bitterness. This way there is none."

  I couldn't process what she had said right away. I was too focused on how to deal with all of my feelings. "I still love you Sadie. How do I let that go?"

  "You don't have to. I still love you." That stung. Hearing those words come from her was like heaven shining down on me. But it was what she said next that brought the clouds in. "You were there through a pivotal point in my life. I was there for you through yours. What we had was real, whether other people understand it or not. But it’s over. Our lives have moved forward. We need to move with it. I can't live in the past or with doubt. I don't want to."

  I envied her. She had obviously made peace with what we had and I was still lingering in it. Maybe she was right. Everything she said brought Sabrina to mind.

  "Like I said, I'm working on it. The girl I am dating really is pretty cool."

  Sadie went on to ask me her name and to make sure I wasn't making the same mistakes again with Sabrina.

  I appreciated what she said more than she could ever know. All of this talking made me think about the fact that I already have something amazing back home, just waiting for me to see what was in front of me and not take it for granted. I think pulling away these last couple weeks only proved I wasn’t valuing her like she deserved, but that will never happening again. My life with Sadie was meant to teach me how to always cherish what you have and never let it go. Sabrina deserved a chance to be that girl for me and I was ready to give it to her.

  I looked into Sadie's eyes and said, "Thank you for always being you. You still mean the world to me beautiful."

  "You will always mean a lot to me too. Now, I need to get back inside. I am part of this wedding you know. Come on."

  I was ready. Finally ready to break away and move on. It felt great!

  "No thank you. I think I’m just going to get out of here. I got to see everybody I wanted to see. I actually have a girl back home that I might have a chance at spending some time with tonight if I hurry."

  Her face lit up as she said, "Then what are you waiting for? Get going."

  I was so ready to get back on the road. If I was lucky, I could track Sabrina down. I looked back over at Sadie as I walked to my car and said, "Take care Sadie.'

  I heard her say, "You too" but I never turned around. My mission was to get the girl I was meant to have and she was only a car ride away.

  Chapter 18

  I never turned on the radio, I didn't need the distraction. I was so determined to do this the right way. That is, if she would have me still. Nothing opened my eyes more than seeing Sadie one last time. She was my past, I wanted nothing more than to hang on to my future now and I needed to find her. I texted Sabrina's roommate Melanie and asked where I could find her. Once I
got the response I was hoping for, my heart rate kicked up two thousand notches. Sabrina never held back when it came to telling or showing me how she felt. The first time she said that she was falling in love with me scared me to death. I’m not going to start lying now, what would be the point? She explained that she didn’t say those words to hear them back from me, she said them because they were true and I had a right to know. It had been so long since I had been in a relationship where you openly shared how you felt. Somehow with all of my regret eating away at me over the last few weeks, I forgot to appreciate the best thing that ever happened to me. There was no way I was going to make that same mistake again, especially not with Sabrina. She understands all my faults and fears, yet she loves me more for them and I loved her for everything she is. It hit me right then and there, I was in love with Sabrina. I had been falling harder and harder for her all along and I refused to admit it out of fear. All of the sudden it seemed as though I couldn’t get to her fast enough.

  I finally pulled into the parking lot of the bar down the street from her apartment called ‘Umies’. I turned the ignition switch off and sat there for a minute trying to calm my pulse rate. I couldn't screw this one up. I knew what she wanted and I was willing to show her that I was ready to give her all of me. The guilt was gone. Sadie was happy and I deserved to be happy as well.

  I got out of the car and walked into the bar scared to death. What if she was with someone else? Did I wait too long and dig my own grave? I would fight for this one, I wouldn’t walk away and I was sure that I was ready to do whatever I had to. But then I saw her, she was sitting at the bar with her back to me. I slowly walked up to her, brushed her shoulder up to her neck with the back of my hand and then landing my mouth on her ear with a soft kiss. I whispered, "Hello sweet girl."