With a look of enormous relief, she sagged limply toward him and rested her cheek against the middle of his chest. “Oh, thank God. I thought…well, I’ve been imagining all sorts of horrible things.”
Totally confused, Conall wrapped his arms tightly around her. “Why would you be doing that, honey? Surely you can see that everything is fine with me.”
“I know,” she said with a tiny sniff. “But I was afraid that…well, after what Maura said, that you might have a recurring disease or something. Since she’s a nurse and—”
For once Conall felt as though there was actually ice water in his veins and it was freezing him with dread. “What exactly did Maura say?” he asked stiffly.
Leaning back, she looked up at him. “Nothing particular. Just something offhand about your condition. I didn’t press her to explain. Whatever it is, I wanted to hear it from you.”
With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he took her by the arm and led her over to the couch. “I think we’d both better sit,” he said.
By the time they were settled and facing each other on the cushions, her brown eyes were dark with concern. Conall reached for one of her hands and clasped it tightly between the two of his.
“What is it, Conall? The way you’re looking at me—it frightens me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He shook his head, then lifted his face toward the ceiling and closed his eyes. “I’m not doing this right. But then, I don’t guess there is a right way,” he murmured. “I should have told you about this days ago. Weeks ago, even. But I couldn’t bring myself to.”
“Why?”
Struggling to keep the bitterness from his voice, he said, “Because the information has always produced a negative reaction. Especially with women.”
Her brows arched with surprise. “Women? I don’t understand. You’re certainly not frigid or impotent.”
If he hadn’t felt so sick inside he could have laughed. “No. I’m glad you figured that out.”
Her free hand moved over his and squeezed tightly. “I don’t know what this is about. But there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me stop loving you, Conall.”
“I hope to God that’s true, Vanessa. I hope a few days from now we’ll remember this moment and smile.”
Her lips gently curved at the corners. “Being with you anytime makes me smile,” she said, then laughed softly. “I sound like a hopeless cornball, don’t I?”
Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss against her forehead. “And I’ve never seen a more lovely cornball.”
She sighed. “Oh, Conall, even if you are ill I can deal with it. We’ll deal with it together.”
Easing his hand from beneath hers, he touched the side of her face. “I’m not ill, Vanessa, I promise. But I was once. When I was a very young child just learning to walk I had a viral infection that caused me to have a very high fever. I ended up having convulsions and my parents feared for my life. But eventually my body fought off the infection and I got well without any lasting effects, it seemed.”
Her head swung back and forth. “Why are you telling me this now, Conall? I don’t understand.”
His eyes caught hers as he forced the words off his tongue. “Because you need to know why—why I can’t have children.”
She stared and he could see from the confusion crossing her face that she was having difficulty absorbing what he’d just said.
“Do you mean…you—”
“I’m sterile, Vanessa. The fever affected my reproductive system. It doesn’t occur often, but it does happen from time to time. And I didn’t even know that anything was wrong until Nancy and I tried to get pregnant.”
“Oh. Oh, Conall…this is—” Her whole body sagged as though the air had literally been knocked from her. “I wasn’t expecting anything like this.”
Slowly, she pulled her hand from his and rose to her feet. Conall stayed on the couch and watched as she began to absently move about the small room. Eventually she stopped at a small end table and picked up a framed photo of her parents. There was raw pain on her face as she studied the image and in that moment Conall hated himself. If he’d not fallen in love with her, if he’d not pushed her to marry him, she would have eventually found someone else, someone who could give her everything. Now, God only knew what all this was doing to her.
“I’m sorry, Vanessa,” he said hoarsely.
She didn’t respond and after a moment he rose to his feet and walked across the room. As he came to stand beside her, she placed the photograph back on the table, then turned to face him.
“I’m sorry, too, Conall, that such a terrible thing ever happened to you. But mostly I’m sorry that you felt you couldn’t tell me—long before—before I fell in love with you!”
Tears began to stream down her face and he realized there was an ache in the middle of his chest that made it almost impossible to breathe. If he was having a heart attack he probably deserved it, he thought. But he wasn’t ready to die. No, there was so much that he wanted for the two of them and the twins.
“You’re right. I should have. But…you weren’t exactly warming up to the idea of having any sort of relationship with me. If I’d suddenly blurted out the fact that I was sterile, you would have turned your back on me and not given us any chance for a future together.”
Her mouth fell open. “How do you know that I would have reacted that way? You didn’t try!”
He curled his hands over the top of her shoulders. “Would you have given us a chance, Vanessa? Answer me truthfully.”
Her tear-filled eyes were full of agony as she searched his face. “I don’t know. I’ve always wanted children. Jeff wouldn’t give me any and—”
“You have two children now,” he pointed out. “Two beautiful, wonderful children. I want to be a father. Just like you want to be a mother.”
A perceptive light suddenly flickered in her eyes. “Ahh. I wasn’t thinking. But I am now,” she said stiffly. “You want to be a father and I have two babies.” She rapped her fist against side of the head. “What a fool I’ve been! That’s what this has been about all along. Everything you’ve done and said was all for the babies! I was just a…side dish for you!”
His face felt like a stiff clay mask as he spoke in a low, purposeful tone, “I thought…I hoped and prayed that you would be different from the others. That’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. Because deep down I believed you would accept me for the man that I am instead of persecuting me for what I can’t be. I can see now that I was wrong. Again,” he added bitterly.
Her expression incredulous, she shook her head. “Don’t try to make me the culprit, Conall! You asked me to marry you because of the twins!”
In spite of the pain ripping through him, the corners of Conall’s mouth tilted into a wan smile. “You finally got something right about this whole situation, Vanessa. The twins were the very reason I proposed to you. I like to think they need me just as much as I need them. But mainly I figured you having the twins would make my sterility easier for you to accept. You already had two children and I was hoping they and me would be enough for you. I can clearly see we’re not.”
Not bothering to wait for any sort of reply she might give him, he snatched up his hat, levered it onto his head and quietly let himself out of the house.
The next morning, after a night that had passed like a wide-awake nightmare for Vanessa, she dragged herself out of bed before daylight, and chugged down a cup of coffee before she finally found the courage to reach for the phone.
As she’d hoped, Conall wasn’t yet in the office and she felt a measure of guilt when the voice mail answered. But she was in such a raw, emotional state she knew the mere sound of his voice would break her into sobs. Talking directly to him would only make matters worse.
Her throat aching, she swallowed and forced herself to speak. “This is Vanessa. I’m calling to let you know I won’t be in to work today. If you…feel you need to replace me pe
rmanently I’ll understand. Goodbye.”
As soon as she snapped the phone shut she began to weep and when Hannah walked into the kitchen, tears were still seeping from Vanessa’s eyes.
On the way to the coffeepot, the woman yawned and swiped a tangle of dark hair from her face. “My, you’re up early,” she exclaimed. “Do you have to go into work earlier than usual this morning?”
Vanessa hurriedly made an effort to wipe her eyes. “No, I’m not going in today. I—I’m not sure I’ll be working for…the Diamond D anymore.”
Pausing as she reached for a mug, Hannah glanced over her shoulder and suddenly noticed Vanessa’s tearstained face. “What in the world is going on?”
Swallowing hard, Vanessa answered in a hoarse voice, “I don’t know where to begin, Hannah. Everything is…over.”
Forgetting the coffee, the woman hurried over to where Vanessa sat at the small dining table and curled an arm around her shoulders. “Are you ill? I’ll get the babies ready and drive you in to town to see a doctor.”
Since Hannah had become the twins’ nanny, the two women had grown to be fast friends and Vanessa was beginning to think of her more as a sister than anything. At this very moment she felt like falling into Hannah’s arms and sobbing her eyes out.
“No. I—I’m not ill.” She looked away from the other woman and struggled to gather her composure. “Something happened last night—between me and Conall. I— We’re not going to be getting married…like we’d planned.”
Stepping back, Hannah looked at her. “Oh, no! I’m not going to believe this, honey. You two—why, you’re perfect for each other.”
Closing her eyes, Vanessa pressed fingertips against her burning eyelids. Last night when Conall had walked out the door, she’d felt her heart rip right down the middle and for a few moments, she’d almost run after him. She’d wanted him to understand just how wrong he was about her. It wasn’t his sterility that was a problem with her. It was the fact that being a father to the twins appeared to be far more important to him than being a husband to her.
But she’d not run after him. Pride, confusion and anger had all stopped her. Now, as the morning sun was beginning to creep across the kitchen floor, she wondered if she’d saved herself from another loveless marriage, or ruined the best thing that could have ever happened to her.
Sighing, she said, “Nothing is perfect in this world, Hannah.”
“It’s clear you’re not thinking straight this morning, Vanessa. And I’m not going to pry into what happened. I’m just going to tell you to give yourself time. Whatever happened between the two of you will work itself out. I just know it.”
Vanessa wished she had the other woman’s optimism, but at the moment all she could see was a long bleak road ahead of her. Even if she’d misjudged Conall’s motives for marrying her, she’d hurt him deeply with all her accusations. She seriously doubted he would ever want anything else to do with her.
“I seriously doubt it, Hannah. And I…well, I hate to bring it up, but if Conall fires me then I won’t be able to keep you on as the twins’ nanny.” The idea of losing both Conall and Hannah brought a fresh spurt of tears to her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
Squeezing Vanessa’s shoulder, she said, “Look, honey, quit borrowing trouble. Conall is the one who hired me for this job and he’s the one who signs my checks. Until he tells me otherwise, I’ll be here. Now put your chin up and help me fix us a bit of breakfast before the twins start yelling for theirs.”
Almost two weeks later, Vanessa was surprised by a call from Gold Aspen Manor. The doctor had pronounced Alonzo fit enough to leave the nursing home for a few hours and she’d wasted no time in fetching him away from the facility and bringing him to the only home he’d known for the past sixty years.
Playing with the twins had left a sparkle in his eyes and now that they’d fallen asleep, her father was exploring the backyard, the patch where he’d grown vegetables and the acre-sized pen that held his beloved goats. At the moment, one of the nannies had trotted up to him and Vanessa’s eyes misted over as she watched him stroke the goat’s head.
Having her father home again, even for a few short hours, was the only bright thing that had happened since her break with Conall.
Break. Was that the right word for it? she wondered bleakly. It felt more like a dead-end crash to her.
With a heavy sigh, she turned her gaze to the pot of white daisies sitting in the middle of the patio table. He loves me. He loves me not. Plucking the petals couldn’t tell her, Vanessa thought sadly. And as for Conall, he’d not even bothered to try.
Since the morning she’d called and left a message, she’d only talked to him once and that was when he’d called her later that same day. He’d been cool and brusque as he’d informed her that he’d gotten her message and that she needn’t worry about coming in to work today or any day—he could handle things without her. She’d tried to get in a reply, to explain that she needed time to think things through, but he’d not given her a chance to say anything. Instead, he’d quickly ended the call with a cool goodbye and she’d not seen or heard from him since.
Had she really expected to hear from him? she miserably asked herself. Perhaps. Deep down she’d hoped and prayed that she’d been wrong about him, about his motives, about all the harsh things she’d accused him of. But he’d not made any effort to prove her wrong. And she couldn’t humble herself to ask him to.
I believed you would accept me for the man that I am instead of persecuting me for what I can’t be.
For the past couple of weeks Conall’s low voice had sounded over and over in her head. His words continued to haunt and confuse her. Was she blaming him, punishing him for simply being unable to have children? No. She wasn’t that sort of woman. She was using common sense. She was simply refusing to jump into another loveless marriage.
The feel of her father’s warm hand on her shoulder had her looking up and she did her best to smile at him. “The goats are happy to see you,” she said.
“They’re fat. You’ve been feeding them good.” He eased onto the chair opposite his daughter while glancing over to a shaded part of the patio where the twins were sleeping in a portable playpen. “The babies are growing fast. They’ll soon walk.”
Vanessa’s gaze followed her father’s and as she watched the sleeping babies, her heart swelled with a mixture of emotions. Even if she’d given birth to the twins herself, she couldn’t love them any more. They were her children to raise and nourish, to teach and guide, to love and cherish. No matter how a child came in to a person’s life, it was a precious gift and she’d been given not one, but two gifts.
Now, each time she looked at Rose and Rick, she thought of Conall. Unless he married a woman who already had children, or adopted some of his own, he would never know the joys of being a father. It wasn’t right or fair and her heart ached for his loss. But the ache didn’t stop there. Missing him, wanting and needing him, filled her with such pain she doubted she would ever recover.
Pulling her thoughts back to her father’s remark, she said, “Yes, in a few months they’ll be walking and I’ll be chasing after them.”
Even though Conall hadn’t formally fired her, when he’d told her goodbye over the phone there’d been finality in his voice. He’d obviously decided she couldn’t bring herself to work for him. And he clearly wasn’t going to ask her to return to her job. As for Hannah, the woman had stuck to her guns. Unless Conall terminated her position, she insisted on staying with Vanessa and the babies. And so far, he’d not told Hannah that her job as the twins’ nanny was finished.
Vanessa didn’t know what to think about the situation. Did he love the twins that much?
“What are you going to do about a job?”
Caught off guard by Alonzo’s remark, she looked across the table to see he was studying her closely. It was almost like her father had been reading her thoughts. But then, she’d never been able to keep anything from either of her parents. She wa
s as transparent as a piece of cellophane tape, until it came to Conall. He’d been unable to see how much she loved him, how much she wanted his love in return.
“What do you mean?”
He grimaced. “I know about your job at the Diamond D, my daughter. And your fight with Conall.”
Vanessa drew in a sharp breath. Since she’d picked up her father earlier in the day, he’d not mentioned anything about Conall or even asked why she wasn’t working today. Vanessa had been putting off telling her father that she’d quit her job and her relationship with Conall. She’d known it would upset him and she’d been trying to think of some way to approach the subject without making it sound like her life was in a mess.
But it was in a mess. And avoiding the issue wasn’t going to make her or her father feel any better about it, she decided.
“Who told you?”
“Conall. He came last week to see me. And explain.” Alonzo shook his grizzled head. “I’m not happy, Vanessa. You’re wrong. Wrong.”
Sighing heavily, Vanessa looked away from her father’s penetrating gaze. “I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you, Dad. But things…just didn’t work out for us. That’s all. I’m moving on. He’s moving on. I’ll get another job soon. In fact, Eric has already offered me a job at the Billy the Kid and I’ll probably take it. So everything will be okay.”
“Will it?”
Her lips pressed together, she rose from the chair and walked over to the playpen. Rick was beginning to stir, so she reached down and picked up her son. The warm weight of the baby cradled against her breasts was momentarily reassuring.
“Why not?” Vanessa countered his question with one of her own. “I’ve been supporting myself for years now. Jeff rarely lifted a hand to help me make ends meet. I’m not worried.”
Alonzo spit out several curse words, further proof that his speech and his health was rapidly returning.
“What is this? You talk about money? Money is nothing. Nothing.”
With Rick snuggled in her arms, she walked back over to her father. “It’s something when you don’t have it.” She cast him a censuring glance. “Isn’t that why you wanted me to marry Conall? So that I’d be financially secure?”
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