by Susan Moody
Outside the windows, it was raining again. Cars threw up rainbows of oily water as they swished past, dark figures walked hunched against the cold, gutters ran with discarded paper cups and polystyrene trays.
Kate made her way across the room towards the two guys in the corner, easing between the crowded tables. One was a regular; the other she hadn’t seen before. ‘There you go.’ She put their drinks down in front of them.
‘Thank you very much.’ The wine drinker was the regular: a nice-looking man, dark hair and eyes, dimples, well-spoken, with a faint foreign accent which she wasn’t interested enough to wonder about. A good tipper. Open-necked dress shirt, white with a pink stripe, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, small gold earring in one lobe.
‘Anything else?’ she asked.
‘Not for the moment.’ He smiled at her and automatically she smiled back. (‘They may alla be bastards,’ Fredo often said, ‘but they ah bastards, so be sweet.’) As she turned to go, he added, ‘It suits you.’
‘What?’ She stopped, confused.
‘The hair. I like it.’
‘Oh.’ Kate brushed a hand below the short hairs at the back of her neck. Two days ago she’d had it cut off, reshaped, had dark highlights spun into the basic honey-blonde. ‘Thanks. I thought I’d have a change.’
‘A change?’
‘I’m kind of hoping it’ll inspire me to move on from here. Push me into doing something a bit more meaningful with my life.’ From past experience, she was aware that it was a mistake to be talking to him like this: get too friendly with the punters and they think they own you, not that this one had overstepped the mark. Not yet.
He nodded. ‘I know how that can be.’ He lifted his glass of wine and tipped it at her. ‘Good luck.’
‘Thanks.’
‘When’s that likely to be? The moving on, I mean.’
Kate shrugged. ‘Whenever the right opportunity comes along.’
‘And if it doesn’t?’
‘Then I’ll have to go looking for it, I guess.’
‘You’ll tell me, won’t you?’
‘Tell you what?’
‘Where you’re moving to.’
She stared at him. This was definitely overstepping the mark. ‘Oh sure, I’ll be taking ads out in all the newspapers. Might even have a billboard or two put up saying that I’m moving to . . . wherever. Let me know if you need anything else.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, Kate, I will.’
Kate made her way back to the bar, picked up another order and delivered it to another table. Back at her station behind the bar, she frowned. Don’t worry, Kate, I will . . . His manner was a bit too bloody familiar, and it annoyed her; she should never have told him her name when he’d told her his, as though he thought she’d want to know. Anton? Gustav? Johan? Something foreign. He came in quite often, maybe two or three times a week, sometimes alone, sometimes with someone else or even a group, but always with men. He looked like he might be from one of those Mediterranean or Latin-American cultures which didn’t rate women very highly. She watched him laugh at something his companion had said, his tanned face creased with amusement. The two of them glanced in her direction, then at each other, touched glasses in a toast and drank, making it obvious that they were talking about her (‘Phwoar, wouldn’t mind shagging that one . . .’). She didn’t like the friend: overweight, head thrust forward like a black bull, with a mean mouth and eyes as cold as a boa constrictor’s. Or, to continue the animal metaphor (or possibly simile, she’d always been vague about the difference), a fat city cat in mufti, striving for the landed-gentry look, tweed jacket, hand-woven tie and so on. Someone should tell him that on him it didn’t work; he still looked like a jerk.
Meanwhile, she didn’t get off work until eleven o’clock that night, and there were still two hours to go. Tomorrow she would definitely go through the appointments pages of the papers, and find another job. Anything would be better than this – anything except getting back together with bloody Brad, Brad the Love Rat, Brad the Impaler, though sometimes she was tempted, especially when tired or depressed, to call him up and suggest they try again. He would jump at the chance. Other times she knew, solidly, strongly, that she would rather undergo major dental surgery without anaesthetic than return to the life she’d led with him. It had been an endless nightmare of recriminations, bailiffs, moonlight flits, betrayals both small and large, endless listening to his ludicrous daydreams of how this time, honey-babe, finally, it was all going to come good, and the two of them would be rich at last – if, that is, she could see her way to one last and absolutely final loan, swear to God, darlin’, after which they’d be laughing, trust him, he’d be able to pay back every red cent she’d ever given (sorry, loaned) him and then some. When she’d first met him, shortly after what she called in her own mind The Accident, he’d seemed like a reassuring haven in which she could moor the leaking vessel of her life, and there find time to caulk it until it was seaworthy again. Big mistake. What amazed her most was that for so long she could have fooled herself into believing in Brad’s fantasies, to the extent of handing over a substantial six-figure sum – her entire inheritance, in fact – to be sunk into the bottomless pit of his unstable dreams.
From the corner of her eye, she noticed Regular waving at her and went over.
‘We’ll have one chicken and chips, one cod and chips, Kate,’ he said, when she was standing beside him, pad in hand. Kurt, was he called? Karl? Knut?
‘Anything else?’ she asked. ‘A green salad? Vegetables?’
‘Salad, Mick?’ he said to his companion.
‘If you do mushy peas, I’ll have them,’ Mick said, barely glancing at her. He had a more cultured accent than might have been expected, given his brutal appearance. ‘Otherwise, give me the veggies.’
‘Say please to the nice lady,’ said Kurt/Karl/Knut. Or was it Stefan?
Mick shot him a sour look. One doesn’t say please to the help, Kate could see him thinking, while Stefan – yes, she was pretty certain his name was Stefan – smiled at her over Mick’s head, showing the dimples, and winked.
‘We’ll have a bottle of white wine, too,’ he said. ‘Got something different from this one?’ He touched his glass.
‘I can recommend the Chardonnay – nice and dry,’ Kate said.
‘We’ll have that then, please.’
She was tired by the time her shift ended. The rain was still tipping down and though she tried to keep out of the puddles, water seeped into her boots (two days ago, one of the soles had mysteriously cracked almost in half) and splashed up the back of her legs. The pavements were greasy with the rain and twice she slipped on the slick residue of city filth. Somewhere she’d mislaid her gloves and her hands were freezing. Even worse, the burn scars on her left leg were chafing. Eleven o’ clock on a cold winter’s night and she was bedraggled, exhausted, fed up. If she hadn’t been so stupid as to throw all her money in Brad’s direction, not just once but countless times, she could have bought a little house in Spain or France, all white walls and orange-tiled roof, geraniums in pots, sun streaming through the grape arbour and a bottle of chilled white wine to hand – probably France, because Spanish wines weren’t as good. There might even have been a swimming pool sparkling nearby, yet instead of that, here she was, standing in the rain waiting for a bus. Admittedly, according to Peta, whose parents lived in the Dordogne, it could get pretty nippy out there at this time of year, but even so, at least the sun shone and the skies were blue – though perhaps not at eleven o’clock at night, any more than they were here.
Two bus journeys and a half-mile walk lay ahead of her before she would arrive at the house she was currently sharing with her brother. It was in a shabby part of town, slowly being gentrified by hopeful young city workers frantic to get on to the housing ladder and looking for bargains to do up with their annual bonus. Already there was an abundance of freshly painted woodwork, new shrubs in front gardens, optimistic bay-trees in blue ceramic pots besi
de pristine brass-furnitured doors, though her brother’s house – at least on the outside – remained pretty much in its original state.
Her hands were so cold she could scarcely get the key into the lock, and when she opened the door, the hall had an arctic chill. Magnus, usually the most solicitous of brothers, had obviously forgotten to turn on the central heating, which meant a long wait before the hot bath she’d been looking forward to. As so often, she longed for some maternal pampering, a tray, perhaps, laid with a pretty cloth, a delicate china cup and saucer, some reassuring digestives on a matching plate, a Thermos of hot chocolate to counteract the discomfort of wet feet and frozen hands (‘welcome home, darling, see you in the morning’). But her mother had died when Kate was ten, and Luisa, maternal though she might have been, had lived out in Ecuador with Dad.
Hearing her come in, Magnus came to the door of his study. ‘You look tired,’ he said.
‘I am tired.’ Kate shucked off her coat and hung it on the hallstand before putting her arms round his waist, resting her head against his chest, taking comfort from the familiarity of the thick oiled wool of his fisherman’s jersey. ‘Whacked, if you really want to know.’
‘Let’s have a brandy. I could certainly do with one.’
‘Had a hard day at the coalface, have you?’
‘I’ll say. I thought I’d made all the notes I needed, then I found one of my files had gone missing, and spent hours trying to find it.’
‘And did you?’
‘Not yet. It seems to have vanished into thin air. I probably left it on my desk at the uni.’ He walked across the hall and into the sitting room. ‘Come on and get cosy. I lit the fire for you, so it’s not too cold in here.’
At the sound of his voice, Olga and Andrei, the two white-and-apricot King Carl spaniels, jumped down from the sofa where they’d been snoozing and trotted across the wooden floor, claws clattering, to greet her. While she bent down to caress their soft heads, Magnus took two balloon glasses from the old-fashioned sideboard against one wall, and removed the cork from a bottle of Armagnac.
Kate took off her sodden boots and sat as close to the fire as she could get. Massaging her toes, she said, ‘I think my feet are about to fall off.’
He poured a generous measure and handed it to her. ‘There you are. Get that down you.’ Sitting opposite her, he cupped his hands round his glass to warm the spirit. ‘So, yet another awful day, huh?’
‘You can say that again.’
‘I really wish you’d get a job which didn’t entail coming back late at night on the bus.’
‘Magnus, we’ve had this discussion a dozen times.’
‘But these are dangerous times . . . I worry about you getting mugged, or – or caught in crossfire between two rival drug gangs, or one of the many other hazards that a city this size is prone to.’
‘I appreciate your concern, but I’m a grown woman, I can defend myself, I’m OK.’
‘Against random bullets?’
‘You want me to wear a bulletproof vest? Besides, how many times have there been gunfights in a provincial little place like this one?’
‘There’s always a first time. Just be careful.’
‘I always am, especially when I hear gunfire.’ Sniffing deeply at her glass, Kate felt the warming fumes of the cognac go up her nose and slowly begin to circulate through her blood. ‘It’s so cold out there.’
Magnus shook his head. ‘Sorry to sound like a nag, but you’ve only yourself to blame for taking jobs with unsocial hours.’
‘I know, but—’
‘You’ve had a good education, you got to university—’
‘And got right out again fairly soon after that. I never wanted to go in the first place; it was you who was so keen, not me.’
‘Two years isn’t all that short a time. And what with the . . . well, you had good reason not to complete your degree.’
‘I only got there with your help in the first place.’ If pushing and shoving and bullying and constant coaching constituted ‘help’. And when she got to the red-brick place on the south coast, she’d wasted the first year, demonstrating against harsh sentences meted out to Saudi Arabian women taken in adultery, or invasions of small defenceless countries by richer bullying ones. Even though she buckled down a bit in her second year, her tutor nonetheless summoned her in and suggested she might be better suited in some vocational situation, a proposition she was only too happy to agree with. And then came The Accident. ‘I’m not academic like you. Never have been.’
‘You’re not stupid, Kate.’
‘I know. But . . .’ It was easy for him to say. She smiled across at him, handsome, gifted Magnus, fair-haired, blue-eyed, so like the photographs of their father when he’d been young. And suddenly she was there again at Dad’s memorial service, leaning on crutches, her arms and legs buzzing with agony behind the painkillers they’d given her at the hospital, while the ex-pat minister from the English church in Quito recited verses from the Bible. There’d been a crowd of people she didn’t know, snuffling, sighing, dabbing at their eyes with white handkerchiefs, sobbing, even. Her heart was lodged in her chest like a cannon ball, round, heavy, hard, and she had done her very best not to cry, hearing her father’s voice somewhere near her ear, telling her to buck up, pull herself together, big girls don’t cry. He was full of such urgings. Be a man, he’d told her once, an odd exhortation because if there was one thing she could never be, however hard she tried (major surgery and hormone treatment notwithstanding), it was a man. And then Magnus had put his arm round her shoulders, the two of them, so suddenly, orphans, doubly, trebly, bereaved, and taken her hand with his other one, and she’d known that insofar as things could ever be all right after this, he would make them so.
She leaned back into the sofa and closed her eyes while beside her, Olga stirred, gave a small snicker of sympathy. Kate tried hard to make herself believe that her current situation was all down to Brad, but the truth was that her current situation was her own fault, for being so deliberately blind to her husband’s shortcomings, especially when she’d known from the beginning that rushing into marriage with handsome useless Brad wasn’t the answer to her problems. In the six years they’d been married, he’d managed, without animosity or psychological sadism, to leach away all her spirit, her backbone, her ambition, not to mention her money: when there was nothing left except a pile of debts, he’d melted away, and without even telling her, flown back to his native New Jersey. One of these days she would have to get her papers changed back from his name to her own; she had been too overwhelmed after the divorce to do anything about it.
‘I know you haven’t – uh – got much left from what Dad left us,’ Magnus said delicately.
‘I haven’t got anything left, darling.’ Unlike level-headed Magnus, six years older and light years more sensible, who’d bought this house, and was doing very nicely, thanks to his stable job and academic salary.
Magnus took off his glasses and fiercely rubbed his eyes. ‘But I could lend – even give – you some if you needed it. To start a business, I mean. I know that’s what you’ve always wanted. Or I could pay for you to go to back to university. That’s what you would eventually have done if you hadn’t met Brad.’
Kate opened an eye. ‘That’s very sweet of you, Magnus, but I couldn’t possibly take it.’ (‘You have to stand on your own feet, Kate.’)
‘Yes, you could.’
‘Just because I’ve been stupid enough to run through my lot doesn’t mean you have to throw your money about, particularly since I must be a pretty bad risk.’
‘I’ve thought about it a lot. Once you settle on something, I could be an investor, a silent partner. I’d like to. My books have been doing as well as history books ever do – once they become a set text in schools and colleges, you’re quids in. Think about it. You could pay me back bit by bit.’ He leaned forward and touched her knee. ‘Remember how you were going to start a florist or a bookshop or set up as a po
tter?’
‘Dreams, Magnus, like I said. Impractical dreams.’ Not even dreams, just ideas flung off the top of her head to placate her brother. ‘In any case, I don’t actually want to do any of those things.’ In an idle moment she’d imagined herself sitting at a wet potter’s wheel, pulling up the clay into bowls and vases, the amazing glazes she would produce, Bernard Leach-style, or being declared a National Living Treasure like Shoji Hamada, carrying off prizes at Biennales. Or maybe producing such fabulous floral creations that hostesses all over the western world would vie for her services to decorate their homes before some tremendous dinner, being flown into the White House, called to the Elysée Palace, summoned by the Vatican. As for a bookshop, it was just an idea she’d had for about ten seconds . . . She sighed, working her shoulders about; as so often, they felt as though she’d been carrying a sackful of rocks on her back all day. The rocks were always the same ones – The Accident which had killed her family, the divorce from Brad, her general state of poverty – and between them they had caused her to disintegrate to such an extent that on some mornings she would wake up and seriously wonder who she was.
