She laughed. "I thought so. She'd never confuse it for a cock, anyway, so might as well call it what it really is. Does it ever get any bigger?" I realized I had not grown at all. I was so fucking turned on, I should be hard as I can get, but I was not erect at all. A tiny bit of swelling, but clearly not an erection.
"It can. But not always," I admitted.
"Well, that's the hormones, too. As your breasts grow, your clit loses its ability to grow. The yin and yang of female hormones. Excited though, I bet. Fuck, I'd better stop before you orgasm -- Dr. Nelson will kill me."
How many times had I been to the edge of orgasm and then denied?
"Let me just check down below, too." She spread a tiny bit of lube on her right glove, and holding onto my clit with her left, inserted two fingers inside me, probing around.
"Hmmm, that had an effect." I looked down, my clit had swollen a little more. "Still no erection, but a causal reaction. Dr. Nelson will be interested. Maybe next time you need to be milked, I'll get to do it. Since my husband wants nothing but missionary sex, I suppose I can try to have a little fun at work, no? Okay, up now, get dressed, I'll take you back to the doctor."
She took her hands out and away from me, handed me some tissues to clean up, and made notes on my chart while I dressed in front of her. It was hard to stand on my heels, I was practically shaking, she'd left me so unfulfilled.
Back to Dr. Nelson's office, I followed the nurse whose name I didn't even know.
"Well?" Dr. Nelson asked?
"BP a bit off but okay, other vitals within normal limits," the nurse reported.
"Breasts? How are they coming along?"
"Oh, a nice solid B cup. Nice figure too, one of the best we've seen."
"Good, good," Dr. Nelson said.
"Swelling?"
"A tiny bit with manipulation and aural stimulation. She was clearly aroused, but no apparent erectile reaction, though she reports that they come and go."
"And during the penetration exam?"
She looked back down at the chart. "Two finger exam resulted in some additional swelling. I'd guess with full penetration and prostate stimulation, she would achieve full erection."
"So, would she?" Dr. Nelson asked the nurse.
"Yes, full excitement, full erection with full penetrative stimulation."
"Yes, yes. Well, Sara, Julie is coming along just beautifully. And I mean that as a doctor and as a friend," she said, smiling approvingly at me.
"Physically," Sara said, "but emotionally?"
"Well, as we discussed, she is bound to have confusion, guilt, even be repulsed, at times. But overall she should be desirous of the entire situation. Are you Julie?"
"What do you mean?"
"With what is going on with your, with your marriage. At the basic level, these are things you want, correct, you know that?"
I shifted my legs uncomfortably from the couch I'd sat down in a bit too deeply, showing off too much leg, and adjusted my skirt. I was conscious that I'd just done such a feminine movement.
"Well, start with your wife's date. You wanted her to date, correct?"
"Yes, I suppose I did."
"You'd been looking at cuckolding porn. Was that something you'd fantasized about?"
"Yes."
"But the trouble you've had is putting fantasy into practice? Going from reading about generic wives doing that, to your own wife, to Sara, bedding a man."
I just blushed
"But in fact you actually participated. Sara tells me, you helped her get dressed, helping her look as pretty as she could."
"Yes, but, I..."
She cut me off, "and you knew what she was going to do, since she'd done it before, right?"
"Go out?"
"Fuck him," she said sharply, her words cutting right through the tension in the room."
"Um, I suppose."
"Not just go out. Fuck. You knew she was going to fuck. You knew, Julie. You knew when she was getting dressed. You knew when she left the house. You knew she was going to fuck him. Hours later, you knew she was doing it. Please, don't be dishonest with me."
"Yes, yes, I knew."
"You knew she was going to fuck him."
"Yes, yes, of course I knew." Like I could deny it.
"How did that make you feel?"
"Humiliated."
"Ashamed?"
"Yes."
"Ashamed that your wife was going to fuck Steve? Ashamed that she was going to enjoy it? Or ashamed because it was something you couldn't do, please her like that?"
"Yes, please" I whispered.
"But excited too, Julie? Did it excite you? When you were home, tied to the bed, were you erect?"
"Yes."
"The whole time?"
"Yes, yes."
"Even though you have trouble getting an erection now, you spent hours erect. Hours picturing Sara fucking Steve?"
"Yes," I gasped.
"Were you ashamed that you so easily gave up, became a sissy, obeyed your wife, gave up her chastity?"
"Yes!"
"But you still wanted it, Julie, that's what makes you different from other men, or men, I suppose. You needed it. What takes time to understand is that shame is a good thing. Sara needs it too, Julie, about what you are and about what she is doing. There shouldn't be guilt where none is needed."
"Yes, but..., the things...she said...about..."
"About?"
"Well, first of all...." I could not bring myself to even say the word.
"About what, Julie," Dr. Nelson repeated.
"Cock," Sara piped in from her seat, a cat-like grin on her face.
The very word from sweet Sara's lips shocked me. I'd almost forgotten she was there next to Dr. Nelson.
"What was that," Dr. Nelson asked?
"Cock," Sara said more forcefully.
"What about cock? What's wrong with cock?"
"She...she...," I turned my head away.
"That's part of the shame, isn't it? Cock, specifically. The very word caused you to have a physical reaction, Julie. The thing that goes to the heart of your humiliation. You know why? Julie, that's the one thing you've always been self conscious about. All sissy cuckolds are. Their lack of it. A man's supposed to have it, and you don't. That's okay, Julie, it's normal."
"Yes, but..."
"There's more, isn't there?"
"Yes, but...."
"Hmmm, I have an idea." Dr. Nelson stood up, went to a cabinet, opened it, took some things out, and walked over to the low coffee table in front of us.
"There, things should be out in the open," she smiled, setting down the objects on the table. The first was a large, flesh colored dildo. Eight or nine inches, thick, with veins, balls. A cock. A lifelike cock. The second was a small...not a cock, certainly, a thin, four inch object. Almost like a small anal toy for the uninitiated. The last was a flesh colored model of a pussy.
"Now, cock," she said again, "we were talking about cock, right?"
"Cock," Sara parroted.
"She makes me say...say things," I whimpered.
"About cock?"
"Yes, doctor, about c...c...cock."
"You keep stumbling on that word. Let's do some therapy role-playing. Look at the things on the table. I'm going to ask you questions, but I don't want you to think about the answers. Just answer, quickly, the first thing that comes to mind, okay?"
I nodded.
"I'm going to say some words, and I want you to point to the object that you associate with that word."
"Okay."
"Good, here, first one. John Holmes."
I quickly pointed to the large cock.
"Good, good," Dr. Nelson smiled, leaning forward, encouraging me with her body language. "Classic porn star, known to be well endowed. Okay, another. Jenna Jamison."
I pointed to the pussy. "Good, same thing with a woman. Famous porn star. Okay, now quickly, answer. Boy George."
Without hesitating I pointed to the small o
bject.
"Marilyn Monroe." The pussy.
"A horse." I laughed. The cock.
We went through several of these, as we worked into a quiet rhythm.
"Sara." Without thinking I pointed to the pussy.
She did several more famous names.
"John." The little object.
"Charles Barkley." The cock.
"Julie." I pointed to the little object again.
"How many cocks are on the table?"
"Um...one," I answered, looking at the three objects again.
"Good, Julie, good. Now, why don't you pick up the cock on the table, I think if you are holding a cock, your mind will get over that word."
I picked up the dildo, realizing there was no good way to hold it, and it ended up balls in my left hand, shaft wrapped around my right hand.
"I'm sure you get the point of that simple demonstration. You think of women as women...pussy. Men as men...cock. And yourself...neither, in between, not man or woman, not cock or pussy. Sara it does prove the point that Julie has no interest in totally becoming a woman. She wants to keep that clitty of hers."
Sara smiled, soaking it all in.
"Now, Julie, back to the point, what is it that pretty Sara here is making you say?" Her hand moved to and rested on Sara's nylon covered thigh.
"That nasty word? Now say it, 'c-o-c-k'," she said slowly.
"Cock," I struggled.
"Oh, come on, try this...repeat after me."
"Leg."
"Leg."
"Ear."
"Ear."
"Breast."
"Breast."
"Arm."
"Arm."
"Cock."
"Cock," I finally said more naturally.
"Better, better. See, its just a word. Try it again, cock."
"Cock," I said with more gusto.
"Good, now that we have that out of the way, what about cock, Julie? You were saying that Sara makes you say things. What does she make you say?"
"She...she makes me say I...I want to...to suck cock."
"You want to suck cock?"
"Yes, I want to suck cock," I repeated, answering her, then horrified at the way it sounded.
"Do you?" Dr. Nelson smiled. "What's wrong with that? Lots of women want to suck cock."
"But I don't!"
"But you just said you did."
"But..."
"Is this how she forces you? Like I just forced you? I mean, she doesn't punish you, or beat you, or anything? She doesn't torture you, does she?"
"No, but..."
"She just asks you to say it?"
"Yes."
"And you do?"
"Yes."
"You do want to suck cock, Julie?"
"No, no," I quickly said, realizing the word trap.
"But you say it, Julie, so easily, you say you want to suck cock."
"But..."
"What are you doing to it, Julie?"
I looked down, realized I'd been absent mindedly stroking the cock with my right hand, and quickly stopped. "I'm sorry."
"Julie you are not going to hurt it, trust me. Anyway, if it was a real cock in your hands, you'd be making some man very happy just by lazily stroking him. It's okay."
Sara was just sitting there, smiling, her left hand next to Dr. Nelson's leg as they sat close together on the couch, her fingers slowly drawing a circle on the good doctor's leg.
"Now, I think I understand, Julie. You say it so easily, that you want to suck cock, and that scares you a little, doesn't it?"
"Yes."
"Because men don't suck cock, right? Not straight men, anyway, do they?"
"No, never," I gasped.
"Do you think Steve would? Or your boss? Or your friends?"
"No, no!"
"Would they even say it? Could I trick them into saying it like you think Sara tricks you?"
"Probably not," I admitted.
"Well, why do you think you are so easily tricked then? Why do the words roll off your tongue so easily? Sara told me that you have said it many times, Julie, that it's not a one time thing. She can easily get you to say it."
"I...I don't know...it's not..."
"Sara, tell him to say it."
Sara smiled at Dr. Nelson, sat forward towards me, moved her left hand onto Dr. Nelson's thigh, rubbed it, looked at me seductively, licked her lips, "Say it Julie, tell me what you want to do with a cock."
My head started spinning, and the words just automatically rolled off my tongue. "I want to suck cock."
Sara and Dr. Nelson just stared at me. "Say it again, Julie," Dr. Nelson said, also leaning forward, breasts straining on her blouse.
"I want to suck cock," I moaned, again unconsciously stroking the cock in my hand.
"See, Susan."
"Shh, Sara, I understand. Julie, do you understand why you say it so easily?"
Unfortunately, I did understand, and that was the root of my torment. I nodded.
"Well, why, Julie, why do the words come so naturally to you?"
"Because...because I do?"
"Of course you do, Julie, of course you do. That is the important thing. Realization and acceptance."
"But...I...I'm..."
"What? Not gay? Julie, of course you are not gay! This is what you have to work on understanding. I'd call it gay if a man wanted to do that. If Steve wanted to suck cock, that's clearly a homosexual thought. Nothing wrong with that, but it is what it is."
"But what's the difference," I insisted.
Dr. Nelson smiled, looked at the cock in my hand, the pussy and little clitty on the table.
"I'm not a man? But...I've got..."
"Yes, you've got a penis. You are a male, of course. What you don't have is a cock. You are a male, but you know you are not a man, don't you. That you've always known."
"Of course," I frowned, looking at Sara.
"Realize and accept. You are not a man. You want to suck cock. You're practically a woman, Julie, a woman with extras or benefits. Not actually a woman, but you can think that way, act that way, and even prefer it that way, correct?"
"Yes, but..."
"Don't get hung up on being a male. Here, it's like this. You are a male, not a man. Are you a female?"
"No."
"No, of course not, but you are a woman, aren't you?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Yes, yes. A male but not a man. A woman but not a female. A "shemale" I suppose, to use that term. Even though you are not a female, you dress and act like a woman. Even though you are a male, you dress and act like a woman. So, think about it, Julie, is it all that odd that you'd want to suck a cock? Is it really?"
"No."
"No! Of course not, acceptance. Because you do, don't you? As much as you love Sara, love women, really, are attracted to them, emotionally and sexually, you also think about men. And that is okay, Julie. Sara thinks its okay. I think its okay. The nurse who examined you thinks its okay."
"Acceptance?"
"Yes, acceptance."
"But, Sara won't..."
"Won't love you? Won't accept you," Sara quietly asked?
"Yes," I said, tears in my eyes.
"Lover, I don't know if I could accept you any other way."
I sat there, emotionally unstable, tears streamed down my face.
"Do you accept me needing a man, wanting to please a man?"
"Yes, yes, of course," I said.
"And you love her all the more for it?" Dr. Nelson asked.
"Yes, god yes."
"As do I, lover, accept you and love you all the more for it." Sara leaned over to me, her hands on my legs, squeezed them. "I couldn't imagine loving anyone like this," she whispered, her own eyes wet with tears.
We sat there for several minutes in silence, letting our emotions speak, our tears speak.
"What else concerns you, Julie," Dr. Nelson asked, breaking our silence.
I hesitated. "After she got home, she wanted me to...to pe
rform on her ...orally."
"You mean after she got home, after she fucked Steve, she wanted you to eat her out...and I suppose, that involved whatever was there, right?"
"Exactly," I said, stroking the dildo again.
"A creampie, her lover's cum, right? She demanded this?"
"Yes, yes."
"But you are depressed because you didn't want to?"
"Yuck, no."
"See, Susan," Sara said, "see how he feels."
"It's okay, Sara, I understand. Don't you see, Julie, just like sucking cock, you wanted it, not just Sara."
"But I didn't."
"Oh, but you did, Julie, that's what you have to accept, everything you wanted, everything, every single thing, even after her date."
"No," I pleaded, "she wanted it," not able to admit what I really felt, how deeply I too wanted it.
Dr. Nelson reached beside her, pulled up a screen on a laptop. "Who wanted what," she asked. I heard my voice from speakers on the table. Instantly recognized our voices from the other night. She had recorded us.
"Eat you, Sara, please, stop, let me eat you now."
"That's not all, sissy, that's not all you want, is it."
"No, no, Sara, please, stop, let me suck you, let me...let me eat it...the cum. Let me eat Steve's cum from you."
"Oh, Julie, there is so much of it. They held most of it in, lover. I'll save them though. I think my panties, soaked with my juices and my lover's cum will make a nice gag for you in the future, don't you think."
"Like what you see, Julie? That's just what leaked out, sissy, there is much more inside. Now beg for it, lover."
"Sara, please, Sara, let me suck your pussy. Please, let me taste your lover's cum."
"I still should make you cum first."
"Please, no, don't let me cum, let me eat his cum first."
Dr. Nelson stopped the playback. I was shocked to hear that. Sara taped our night! Oh, fuck, and Dr. Nelson heard it all!
"Who wanted what, Julie," Dr. Nelson asked. Sara was smiling at me, a proud smile. Gottcha!
"No, that's not right, it..."
"It is right, Julie, its word for word right. Who wants it?"
Confronted by my own words. "I...I do," I whispered.
"Cock?"
I looked down, "yes."
"Cum?"
I shuffled my heel.
"You may be reluctant, resist, but deep inside, you have these desires, Julie."
"But..."
"Do you want to suck cock?"
"Yes," I pleaded, too far along to deny that again.
A Change in Our Marriage - The Sissy Cuckold Page 30
