“Honestly, I don’t know what I want.” She put her hand on his when he tried to get up. “But I know I don’t want to be alone. Elijah, tell me you still love me. I need to know you don’t hate me for what I did to Jason.”
He was silent for a moment before finally speaking. “I don’t think you could do anything that would make me stop loving you. We’re family, remember?”
Maggie hiccupped back a sob and nodded. Elijah stood up. Maggie was about to protest him leaving, but he didn’t walk towards the door. Instead, he started to pull the sheets back. She moved out of the way and then slid underneath them. Elijah switched off the light and climbed in beside her. Her breathing was rapid as her heart pounded frantically, but when he pulled her to him, it calmed.
She rested her head on his shoulder as his arms held her tightly. There was no more nervousness or tension, only comfort.
“Shhhh,” Elijah whispered, kissing the top of her head. “It’s okay. Sleep now. I’ve got you.”
Chapter Nine
Maggie woke as the sun pushed its rays past the curtains over her window. She felt a sense of contentment wash over her as she took in her surroundings. Ever since she was fifteen years old, she’d been terrified that someone would find out her secret. Terrified that they would think of her the same way she’d thought of herself for so many years. She’d done a terrible thing. But what was the alternative? That Jason, at nine years old, come to share in her hell? No, she’d taken a gamble that things would be better for him. And she lost.
It felt good to have Elijah know. There were only two things she’d ever kept from him, and this was the biggest. The other - well - that was her business.
Elijah was Maggie’s person. He was her best friend, her family. But something had changed between them. With everything that had been going on in the past couple weeks, the only place Maggie felt safe, sane, was in his arms. She didn’t like the feeling. She was supposed to make herself feel safe. She shouldn’t need someone else for that. She’d relied on someone for things like safety and love in her life before, and that didn’t turn out so well.
Romance wasn’t worth it. Jake had taught her that. He taught her that no matter how hard she tried, it wasn’t enough. She was better off on her own. Relationships were better off being platonic. She hadn’t even dated seriously since her divorce four years ago. What was the point?
She always thought Elijah felt the same way, since he rarely dated and he’d been divorced far longer than she. But now she wasn’t so sure. He looked at her differently. Or, was it the same way, and she was only now noticing?
She sat up and looked down at his sleeping form, the light shining off his bare chest. He had one arm thrown over his head, and the other was stretched out towards where she had been lying.
She couldn’t stop her eyes as they traced the ridges of his abs down to where his hipbones disappeared into his drawstring pants. Her gaze traveled back up to his face just as his lips curved into a sleepy smile.
“Why are you staring at me?” he asked, not bothering to open his eyes.
“I’m not,” Maggie stated defensively.
“Yes you are.”
“How the hell would you know?”
“I can always feel your eyes, Maggie Marks.” The way he said her name stirred something in her stomach.
“Maybe I’m just wondering when you’re going to get your lazy ass out of my bed.”
“And there she is.” He opened his eyes and grinned as if they’d done more than sleep the night before. “Where is that morning cheer of yours I hate so much?”
“Shut up.”
“So, we’re twelve now?” he smirked. “I’m okay with that. I remember what we were doing when we were twelve.”
“Elijah!”
“I’m joking!” He laughed and threw his arms up in surrender. “Come on. Let’s pump some caffeine into you to make you more tolerable.”
She punched him in the arm, but didn’t argue further. She wouldn’t fight the coffee.
As Elijah was making the coffee, they heard a buzz.
“Yeah?” Maggie said into the intercom.
“It’s me,” Jason’s voice came back through.
She buzzed him up and opened the door. A minute later, he was there.
“Hey, Cuz!” He grinned.
After the night before, Maggie had a hard time looking at her cousin. She was saved by Elijah.
“Jason!” Elijah ushered him in.
“Hey, man.” Jason clapped him on the back. He was buzzing with nervous energy. “I need to do something useful. Think you can help me out?”
“Of course. You can help with the flooring.”
“What’s wrong, Jason?” Maggie asked.
“Why does anything have to be wrong?” he responded.
She raised an eyebrow at him and he gave in.
“It’s nothing, really. Just, uh, Michaela went to her parents’ for a few days and I’m a little antsy.”
“And you didn’t go with her, because...?”
“Her dad still isn’t totally cool with me.” He tapped his fingers against his leg nervously. “Her mom is working on him, though. I hope it doesn’t take too long. I sort of... um... bought a ring.”
Maggie’s mouth dropped open as the last words came out in a rush. She closed it and then opened it again to say something, but no words came out. Once again, Elijah saved her.
“About damn time, dude.” They gave each other a man-hug and Elijah looked at Maggie expectantly.
“Are you sure you want to get married?” Her voice came out small, weak.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” Jason replied.
“Well, then congratulations.” She stepped away. “You two head on over to the house. I have to stop and get some more painting supplies.” She turned on her heel and practically sprinted to her bedroom.
Why did she suddenly feel sick? She wished she could just be happy for her cousin. She wanted to celebrate with him. She wanted to think he and Michaela would make it work and last forever. She wanted to be a believer. But she wasn’t. She didn’t believe in love. She didn’t think marriage worked. Everyone left. People always found something better. When they realized how imperfect their partner was, they couldn’t deal.
Maggie didn’t know if Michaela knew everything Jason had been through. She didn’t know if she could love the damaged parts of him as well. She liked Michaela, but Jason was her family.
Jake couldn’t handle it. Maggie had loved every messed-up part of him, but he couldn’t do the same. When Maggie couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted, when she suddenly wasn’t perfect, he went looking for something better. He would never know the damage he’d done.
“She’ll come around,” Elijah said as they unloaded supplies from his car.
“It doesn’t matter, man.” Jason tried to brush by him, but Elijah put a hand on his chest to stop him.
“Yes, it does.”
“It’s my life, not hers.” Jason looked at Elijah and sighed. “Maggie’s great when things are bad. If you’re hurt or pissed off, she’s who you want in your corner. It’s when you’ve got it all together that she falls apart.”
They carried their loads through the side gate and in the back door before dropping them to the ground and going for more. Elijah thought about what Jason said in silence. He wasn’t wrong. Maggie didn’t know how to do happy because she’d never really gotten the chance.
“Jason,” Elijah finally said. “You should know how hard it is to believe in the good when you’ve only ever experienced the bad.”
“Yeah, but that’s different for me now.” He grunted as he dropped his armful inside once again. “I want Maggie to see that. I want it to be different for her too.”
“So do I,” Elijah admitted. All he ever wanted was to see that girl happy, and he knew Jason felt the same way. Maggie was the strongest, most resilient person he’d ever known. But those traits had created a hardness in her he couldn’t brea
k through.
She’d been through more than anyone should have to experience. Elijah had a front-row seat for most of it. He’d seen her change over the years from the sweet girl who only ever wanted someone to love her into a woman who didn’t let herself believe in anything.
He had hope though. Sometimes he saw glimpses of the girl who had so many possibilities. Last night, when she asked him if he still loved her, that was her. He’d been trying to get more of her to come back ever since they moved to New York. Leaving Boston helped.
Elijah didn’t know everything that happened with Jake. He knew the basics, but Maggie didn’t talk about it. She wasn’t one to gush about her feelings. He couldn’t shake the image of her showing up at his house the night it all went down.
He hadn’t seen her in almost a year, and it had been killing him. His marriage had fallen apart because his wife claimed he loved Maggie more than he loved her. She was right about that, so she left him after only a year.
But Maggie was still married to Jake. Once upon a time, the three of them had been best friends. That changed about six years into their marriage when Maggie had her first miscarriage. She’d been devastated, but Jake was too busy drowning his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of gin to notice. So, she’d turned to Elijah.
Things had always been platonic between them, despite Elijah’s feelings. Maggie was too scared of losing him for it to be anything more. Jake didn’t believe that.
His drunken rants had turned into jealous rages. Maggie started to see her father in him. She wanted to help him in the way she never could help her dad. Jake never hit her. Elijah would have killed him if he did. But there are other forms of abuse.
Elijah tried to convince him to go to rehab. He even offered to help pay for it. Jake refused. He didn’t think he had a problem. He didn’t see what he was doing to his wife.
When she lost the second baby, Jake took away the only support system she had. He made her choose between their marriage and her friendship with Elijah. She’d been in tears when she told Elijah she needed to try to make her relationship work.
Elijah didn’t know much about that year he didn’t see her, but when she showed up at his house, he knew it hadn’t been good. He knew he should have fought to stay in her life. He should have fought to keep his promises.
Four Years Ago:
“I’m sorry, Maggie,” Dr. Murray said. “After this last pregnancy, you will not be able to conceive again.”
The doctor went on to explain her diagnosis. She had an abnormally shaped uterus, but it all sounded like a bunch of medical mumbo jumbo. All Maggie heard was her dreams crashing to the ground. She felt dampness on her face, but didn’t bother to wipe it away. She was frozen in her seat, the doctor’s voice just noise roaring in her ears.
This wasn’t her first miscarriage. In fact, it was her third. But it would be her last. There was no more trying. All she’d wanted for years was a child to call her own. Someone she would love with all her heart. She’d vowed to give the child the life she never had.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and realized Dr. Murray had walked around the desk that had been sitting between them and now stood in front of her. She looked up slowly. Dr. Murray tilted her head and gave it a sad shake.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. The look in her eyes told Maggie that she knew how empty those words were. But what else could she say? There was nothing that could soften what Maggie was feeling.
Maggie stood slowly and followed the doctor from the room. She suddenly had the desire to get out of the office as fast as she could. The lady behind the desk slid Maggie’s credit card through the scanner and handed it back to her.
“Thank you,” Maggie said in a daze.
She practically ran from the building, gulping fresh air as soon as she was outside. Inhale. Exhale. She breathed in too fast and started coughing.
Jake should be here, she thought once she was breathing normally again. But, no. He didn’t show. She let out an angry growl, receiving odd looks in the process, and walked towards the parking garage.
By the time she was inside her car, she was openly sobbing. Tears streamed down her cheeks and dripped off the tip of her nose. She waited until she could see more clearly before starting the engine.
Jake wasn’t home when she got there, but he’d left practically every light on. She went from room to room, shutting them off and cursing him. She needed something inconsequential to get pissed about.
The truth was, she was sort of glad Jake hadn’t shown. They’d been married ten years, and each year had been worse than the one before. He wasn’t the person who would support her. No, she’d let Jake drive that person away.
She’d thought of Elijah every day for the past year. She hated herself for allowing Jake to make her choose. She hated herself for the choice she made. Elijah was the person she wanted by her side during all of this.
It had been a while since Maggie was sure she wanted Jake by her side at all. She’d tried so hard to make it work, and he hadn’t tried at all. She’d loved him more than anything and he’d disappointed her time and again.
After picking up Jake’s mess, as she did every day, Maggie sat on her bed with her back against the wall.
Be strong, she told herself.
Maggie had been through a lot in her life, but that was her past. This felt like her future was being ripped away. She thought a child was her only chance at happiness. Her only chance at love. She kicked herself for thinking that. She’d loved Jake.
As she thought of him, the front door crashed open. Heavy footsteps sounded right outside the bedroom door.
“Maggie!” Jake yelled in that belligerent voice that all drunks develop. It didn’t surprise her that he was drunk before most people had even eaten dinner.
“In here,” she called weakly. She really wanted to be left alone, but knew he’d find her eventually, and she had some things she wanted to say to him. It only took a moment before he was standing in the doorway, bumping his shoulder into the door frame as he swayed.
“Where were you?” Maggie asked once they’d been staring at each other for too long.
“That’s none of your concern,” he slurred, lurching forward into the room and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“It is when you’re supposed to be at the doctor’s with me.”
“Why would I want to go there when we already knew you fucked it all up?”
“Me?” Drunk or not, she wasn’t going to let him blame her. “I didn’t do a damn thing, it just happened.”
“You’ve now lost three of my babies. You’re my wife, and you had a job to do. Maybe the next one can get the job done.”
“Screw you, Jake.” It was all Maggie had. His words deflated her. She’d never admit it to him, but she felt like it was her fault. She was broken. All Jake was doing was shattering the pieces even more, so she’d never be able to be put back together. She’d never be whole.
She didn’t tell him what she found out at the doctor’s because, she suddenly realized, he didn’t need to know. He wasn’t the one who was going to have to deal with it.
“I’m leaving you, Jake,” she said, making the decision she knew she should have made a year ago.
She was still crying as she looked at him. This man had spent years tearing apart every bit of her, but she knew there was nothing more he could do to her.
Jake’s eyes narrowed, and the bed shifted as he stood. “You don’t think you’re replaceable?” He grabbed her arm and yanked her to her feet.
Maggie knew Jake would have another girl in his bed as soon as he wanted to. He was the kind of man girls begged to seduce them. He just wasn’t the kind of man they stuck around for when they got to know him.
“I know I am,” she said, way more calmly than she felt, as his hand tightened around her arm, his fingers digging into her skin. The tears stuck in her throat. “You’ve broken me, Jake. Again and again. I don’t know what it is about me that is so unlovable, but I c
an’t handle it anymore. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t treat me like this. That is the only thing I learned from my father.”
“You’re right. How could I love someone who can’t give me the only thing I want? You don’t deserve to be loved.”
Maggie’s hand flashed quickly through the air before making contact with the right side of Jake’s face. “Go to hell.” She tried to break free, but he didn’t release her.
He pulled her from the room, grabbing her keys from the table as they passed it.
“What are you doing?” she demanded.
He pulled open the front door as if he would tear it from its hinges. “Get out of my house.” He shoved her through the door with enough force to send her tumbling to the ground.
Her arm scraped against the pavement as she used it to break her fall. Her keys landed with a crash beside her, and she looked up at the furious man standing before her.
She winced as she touched the knee that had been slammed in the sidewalk, and her hand came away with spots of blood. It hurt as she scrambled to her feet, but that didn’t stop her from running across the front lawn, towards her car.
“Want me to call Elijah?” Jake called after her. “I’ll tell him that he’s now free to have what’s left.”
Maggie didn’t stop.
“Go on! Go run to him!” Jake screamed before slamming the door.
Maggie’s hands shook as she drew her seatbelt across her chest and pulled away. She looked back at the house she’d lived in for the past ten years. She’d have to go back to get her stuff, but after that, that part of her life was over.
Tears blurred her vision, but she wiped them away furiously. Jake was right about one thing. There was only one place she could go.
It had been a year, but the road still felt so familiar. It was early evening so she didn’t know if he’d be home, and she didn’t know what to say to him if he was.
Did she apologize for making the wrong choice?
She couldn’t think straight. In a few hours’ time, she’d lost her chance at motherhood and given up on her marriage. Her entire life was gone.
Promises_A friends to lovers romance. Page 6
