by Marie Forleo
6
Define Your Dream
Everything’s in the mind. That’s where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it.
Mae West
Do you remember when you were little and adults repeatedly asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I could never name one thing.
I want to be a writer and an artist and a dancer and a businesswoman and an animator and a teacher and a singer and a fashion designer and and and . . . a makeup artist!
That list morphed throughout school, but it was always long as hell. I assumed all my interests would magically merge through the alchemy of college and I’d graduate with a singular thing “to be.” That’s not quite how it went.
I was in my midtwenties and feeling like the most pathetic life coach on the planet. I’d recently broken off an engagement to a sweet but wrong-for-me guy, which left me emotionally raw, broke, and without a place to live. Desperate, I moved back in with my parents in New Jersey to get back on my feet. (Yes, my folks divorced when I was eight but reconciled several years later.)
After my second week at their house, Mom and I had a major blowout. It was painfully clear I couldn’t stay there any longer. Mercifully, a generous friend from my magazine days was willing to take me in. I slept on an air mattress in the living room of her tiny and charming West Village apartment. She was an angel for letting me crash with her. (Thank you, Dana.)
So there I was, a struggling life coach feeling like the biggest loser. Evenings were spent slinging drinks and waiting tables while I worked on my business during the day. But I couldn’t shake this unrelenting feeling that my life was passing by so fast and I was nowhere near where I thought I should be by now.
As much as I loved coaching and personal development, something still felt slightly incomplete. Like there was a missing piece (or several) to my work-life puzzle. Deep down, I believed I had something unique to give to the world. But I still felt like an unaccomplished misfit.
I dreaded people asking me, “So what do you do?” The shame made me want to crawl out of my skin. Plus, calling myself a “life coach” and focusing only on that profession felt narrow and limiting. I couldn’t deny a desire to explore other aspects of my creativity—like hip-hop dance, fitness, and writing. I was also über-passionate about the embryonic world of online business and digital media. (Remember, this was around 2002.) My journals from those days were filled with desperate pleas to God.
Why can’t I just pick one thing to focus on like everyone else?
What’s wrong with me?
How do I know that life coaching is the only thing I’m supposed to do with my life?
What if I’m wasting my other talents and gifts? None of this feels right!
Is there something wrong with my brain? Am I just not able to focus?
Am I just broken?
Professionally, I was all over the place. I loved coaching, but I couldn’t see myself doing only that. In my hunt for answers, I started reading every classic book on career, business, and success I could find. Most of them offered different versions of the same conventional advice:
“Dominate a niche.”
“The more specialized you are, the more quickly you’ll succeed.”
Intellectually, that advice made sense. But every time I tried to “choose one thing”—like coaching or even a singular aspect of coaching—it felt like I was cutting off a limb. A little voice inside of me kept nudging . . . You’re MORE than just one thing, Marie—stop trying to fit in.
The most intense and immediate pull I felt was toward dance and fitness. The problem was, I had no formal training in either. Sure, in my teens, I was obsessed with a TV show called Bodies in Motion with a hunky Israeli-born trainer named Gilad (pronounced Gih-LAHD). Before long, I started designing my own workouts and became a proud, iron-pumping member of Gold’s Gym.
When it came to dance, I did moonwalk across my mom’s linoleum floor. I picked up moves from shows like Yo! MTV Raps and Club MTV with Downtown Julie Brown. I even won teen dance contests at the local under-eighteen night clubs in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The passion was always there, but I had never once stepped foot in an actual class. I had zero technique and zero clue how to enter the dance world at age twenty-five, which, sadly, is considered “old” for a newbie.
Exasperation produced my first breakthrough. Since the traditional career advice to choose one thing made me want to slam my head against the wall, I finally said, Fuck it. I’m done trying to fit in. I’m in a ton of debt. I’m living on an air mattress. Why not experiment? What do I have to lose?*
New York City is home to the legendary Broadway Dance Center (BDC). If I was going to take my first real dance class, I might as well go to the pros.
To be clear, I was terrified. I had horrible visions of tripping over my feet and bumping into people left and right. I imagined being laughed at, booed, and shooed out the door. Plus, I was nearly a decade older than other students, all of whom I imagined had been taking dance classes since popping out of the womb.
I pushed myself anyway and signed up for Absolute Beginner Modern Jazz. I was wearing the crappiest, dorkiest outfit. Lurking outside the studio, I watched the previous class finish their routine. Everyone was so talented. They were so cool. So young.
Once the previous class filtered out, I slunk in and tried to stay invisible. Other students filed in and sat down. Oh, I guess we start by sitting. The teacher walked in, didn’t say a word or acknowledge anyone. There were a few moments of total silence before a loud, deep, steady bass beat filled the room. The music jolted every cell in my body. Everyone (besides me) began moving and stretching in sync. They understood exactly when to progress to the next stretch by a hand clap from the teacher.
Less than seven seconds after the music started, I burst into tears. I didn’t know what the hell was happening or why, but I couldn’t stop. I sat there trying to keep up as I sobbed uncontrollably. I covered my face with my hair and thanked sweet Jesus the music was loud enough that no one could hear me. That dance floor felt like home. YASSS!!! my body screamed as I moved. FINALLY. You’re listening.
I’m still shocked at how much time and energy we humans can waste being indecisive, talking about ideas (in our heads or aloud) but never doing anything about them. I spent years wondering if I had what it took to be a dancer. Could I be one? Should I be one? I even fantasized about what it might be like. But I never made a move, until I did. My biggest mistake? Searching my head for an answer that could only be experienced through my heart. That’s when I learned a lesson I still live by to this day:
Clarity comes from engagement, not thought.
Write that down. Memorize it. Tattoo it on your tush. Whenever you’re trapped in the hell of indecision, do something about it as quickly as possible. Find a way to take a tangible, real action and you’ll be rewarded with priceless feedback to inform your next steps.
Wondering for the seventy-fifth time whether to break up with your partner? Take time apart, even if it’s just a few days. Even if it means sleeping on someone’s couch. Find a damn good couple’s therapist and either commit to heal or commit to move on. ENGAGE.
Can’t stop thinking about changing careers? Take a class. Secure an internship (no matter your age). Work for free on weekends. Whatever it takes, experience the industry firsthand. ENGAGE.
Fantasizing about moving to a new state or even country? Research. Figure out how much it will cost you to move and how you can make a living there. Make a short trip to feel the place out. ENGAGE.
Can’t pick the right glass of wine at dinner? Ask your server for just a sip of your top two choices. They rarely say no. ENGAGE and SALUTE!
When you’re stuck in a paralyzing thought loop of indecision, stop thinking and start doing. Make a move, no matter how tiny. Find (or make) a way to do a real-world experiment. Action is the
fastest and most direct route to clarity.
DECIDING WHAT YOU WANT IS THE FIRST STEP TO GETTING IT
Discovering what you really want saves you endless confusion and wasted energy.
Stuart Wilde
Whenever I work one-on-one with people, during our initial session I say, “I can help you get anything you want, but first you have to tell me what that is.” Sounds simple. But simple doesn’t always mean easy.
How many of us are crystal clear about what we’re working to create? Can we honestly say, “THIS. This __________ [idea, relationship, project, film, book, cause, startup, skill, healing journey, habit, goal, etc.] is the main focus of my life right now. This is what I’m willing to work days, nights, and weekends to make happen, no matter what it takes.”
When I’ve been unclear about my primary focus or, worse, too afraid to admit what I want, suffering always ensues. Headaches and heartaches all around. Ignoring our truth doesn’t make it go away, it only spawns despair and dysfunction.
When you don’t have something clear and meaningful to work toward, you can experience a host of other problems:
Feeling lost, not where you should be by now, and off track. You have recurring thoughts like, Is this all there is? Am I really doing what I’m supposed to be doing in life?
Struggling to prioritize or schedule your time because you don’t know what’s most important or how to navigate competing opportunities.
Failing to produce meaningful results, despite always being “super busy.” You confuse activity with accomplishment: I’m running myself ragged, but I have nothing substantial to show for it.
Teetering on the edge of burnout. You’re exhausted and irritated, and you fantasize about running away and never looking back.
The struggle is real, but it’s also understandable. I never took a Dream Clarity Class, did you? Most of us have little-to-no instruction on how to figure out what we really want in life. Or how to get back on track when we’ve lost our way.
In this hands-on chapter, you’ll name and claim what you most want to figure out—your most exciting dream, goal, project, or life change. If you already know your answer, fantastic. What follows will strengthen your resolve and motivation as we move ahead. If you’re drawing a blank or are afraid to admit what you really want, these action challenges are crucial.
I won’t lie, this work can be tough. But the more difficult it is, the more you need it. The clearer you are about what you want to figure out, the better chance you have of actually doing it. Clarity equals power.
At this stage, all you need is an initial destination—something meaningful that challenges you to learn and grow. You don’t need an epic world-changing goal, especially if that feels overwhelming. You also don’t need to know how you’ll make this dream happen. You just need a clear mark, because you can’t hit a target you can’t see.
Here’s what’s exciting about this process. Once you clarify and commit to a dream, mysterious forces begin to stir that would otherwise remain inert. Powerful, miraculous forces that are both cosmic and scientific in nature. William Hutchison Murray, a Scottish mountaineer, best articulates the former in his 1951 book The Scottish Himalayan Expedition:
Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. . . . A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.
We live in a highly intelligent and responsive universe. Whether you’re aware of the process or not, you’re co-creating your reality through the thoughts, words, and behaviors you choose minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Your life is an ongoing act of creation and you’re 100 percent in charge. When you make a clear, committed decision about something you want, it’s analogous to picking up the phone and placing a to-go order with the cosmos. That’s why, as much as possible, you must strive to be decisive, clear, and specific. Wishy-washy goals get wishy-washy results.
One of the primary reasons people don’t get what they want is they’re afraid to ask for it. They’re frightened they don’t have what it takes. But here’s a secret that many people miss:
You wouldn’t have the dream if you didn’t already have what it takes to make it happen.
You were born with everything you need to answer the call of your soul. That call encompasses the vast realm of intuitive desires, creative projects, ideas, goals, and dreams you hold in your heart.
BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS
Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move towards our dreams, we move towards our divinity.
Julia Cameron
As a young child raised by a single mom in Mobile, Alabama, Laverne Cox was bullied daily. She was chased home from school by kids who wanted to beat her up because she didn’t act like a child who was assigned male at birth was supposed to act.
In third grade, after falling in love with a gorgeous peacock fan during a field trip,1 her teacher called her mom and said, “Your son is going to end up in New Orleans wearing a dress if you don’t get him into therapy right away.”2 That moment, Laverne says, was “profoundly shaming.”3
The therapist suggested giving Laverne testosterone shots to “fix” her.4 Finding that completely unacceptable, her mom pulled her out of therapy right away. In a 2015 interview with the Telegraph, Laverne shared, “As a child I knew everyone was telling me that I was a boy but I felt like a girl. I thought I would hit puberty and just start turning into a girl.”5
In sixth grade—right around the time she started feeling attracted to boys—Laverne swallowed a bottle of pills because she didn’t want to be herself anymore and she didn’t know how to be anybody else. Who she was, she was told, was a “sin” and a “problem.” She didn’t want to exist.6
What she did want was to perform. She begged her mother for classes, but they couldn’t afford it. Then her mom discovered an arts program for disadvantaged families. In her Telegraph interview, Laverne said, “Suddenly I had this creative outlet, I had something that I loved, and something that I could aspire to. When I think about my childhood and being happy, it was when I was dancing, being creative, performing and being onstage.”
She eventually won a scholarship to the Alabama School of Fine Arts, where she began experimenting with dressing in women’s clothes. While she was still bullied, she finally started becoming more comfortable with herself.
Like many aspiring performers, Laverne moved to New York with only a few dollars in her pocket. For the first time, Laverne was celebrated for who she was. In the New York club scene, looking unique was an advantage. “I was still getting harassed on the streets for how I looked,” she said, “but at night I was a star.”7
She took acting classes and was able to book a few gigs. To make ends meet she worked as a waitress and a performer in bars. It wasn’t until 2007 that actress Candis Cayne became the first trans woman to have a recurring role on primetime TV. When that breakthrough happened Laverne said to herself, “This is the moment.”8
Newly inspired, Laverne sent hundreds of postcards to casting directors and managers that read: “Laverne Cox is the solution to all your acting needs.” Out of those five hundred mailings she got four meetings, and one of those meetings led to her manager.
Still, by May 2012, Laverne hadn’t booked an acting job in almost a year. She thought about quitting and going to graduate school. She bought some GRE study materials from a friend and started looking into schools. But after taking a vacation with her mom and lugging those study books with her, she realized grad school just wasn’t for her (clar
ity comes from engagement, not thought!). She recommitted herself to acting, and set a goal for herself to land a recurring role that year. That’s when she got the call to audition for a Netflix original series.
Of course, if you’ve ever seen the wildly popular show Orange Is the New Black, then you know Laverne booked that gig. She later won two Emmys and became the first openly trans person to grace the cover of Time magazine. In interviews with Metro Weekly, Laverne shared:
So many young trans people dream of being an actor and don’t think it’s possible because they’re trans. There was a point where I almost gave up. Luckily, I didn’t. . . . I don’t like the term “role model,” though. I prefer the term “possibility model.”
To be clear, Laverne moved to New York in 1993 and shot Orange Is the New Black in 2012. That’s nineteen years. Even though she came close, she never quit on her dream. In fact, from the moment she got the opportunity and a platform, she’s used her voice to give back. “When I began to understand that it was my job to be of service, to use being trans as something that was not a deficit that would keep me from acting [but as] something that made me unique and special, my career changed,” she said.9
From her acting to her activism, Laverne demonstrates the power that comes from staying fiercely true to yourself, and to your dreams.
RECRUITING YOUR RAS: YOUR WISH IS ITS COMMAND
If you are possessed by an idea, you find it expressed everywhere, you even smell it.
Thomas Mann
What if I told you that you have a magical neurological genie working 24/7/365 to guide and support you? Here’s how being clear and specific about what you want supercharges your brain’s ability to help you figure out how to get it.
