by Lucy Vine
‘OK, Jen, I’ll stop letting everyone else tell me what to do. Thanks, sorry. Night.’
She hangs up.
From: Alan Knight
To: [email protected], [email protected]
22nd March
Alan Knight
106 Castle Rise
Judfield
East Sussex
TN22 5UN
Dear Eleanor and Jennifer,
I hope you are both very well. Did you catch that cracking episode of “Neighbours” yesterday? I just do not know how they continue to come up with such high quality stories, year after year. I went for a walk with Peter and Candice this morning and she suggested I should write episode reviews for “IMDb”. What do you think?
Lenny – Thank you for your “reply”. I don’t understand. Is “EL James” a Mexican restaurant? And if it is, why would they want to sue me? If you are serious, Candice says she and Peter have been watching “The Good Wife” and she can find me a lawyer on the internet if need be.
Jenny – Someone has accidentally written “Return to sender” on the last few chapters I posted to you. It looks like your writing! L.O.L. But don’t worry, I will post them out again. I don’t want you to miss out because Candice says it’s getting “really good” now.
Love you both very much and I’m so proud of you.
Best wishes,
Dad
75 HUES OF TONY
A novel, by Alan Bernard Knight
Tony cannot believe the last few days. Since all that snogging with tongues in the lift at Svetlana’s house, Svetlana has been bombarding Tony with texts and gifts. She has sent him clothes and cufflinks and a laptop and a new car, but Tony is still unsure what to do. He likes Svetlana but he is overwhelmed by all this and after another conversation with Wanda last night who came over to make Tony a really nice dinner, although not chicken and nut roast, because it wasn’t chicken and nut roast night, he is feeling even more uncertain. Wanda says that Svetlana has a dark past and has been single a long time which is a bad sign. She is to be avoided!!
But Tony is not sure he can avoid Svetlana. He is drawn to her dark and powerful aura.
Today she rang him up when he was on his way out the door to visit B&Q to get a new plant pot and it was on her landline so clearly she has been able to get it replaced without his help but Tony isn’t annoyed about that, it is fine. She wanted to know where he was going and when he mentioned B&Q, Lana said she had some errands to run there too, and could they meet in the tools section? She said in a very flirtatious way that she needed a really big tool and Tony understood the innuendo immediately because he is very intelligent. Anyway, he agreed to meet her and he cannot deny how excited he is now as he climbs into his new Lamborghini Veneno that Lana sent him. He thinks now maybe he should buy Lana something as she has bought him so many presents? He will pick up a box of Celebrations on his way to B&Q.
He smells Lana’s intoxicating musk before he sees her, turning the corner on the plant-food aisle. There she is and she looks even more unbelievably good-looking than the last time he saw her. She’s wearing a really, really nice purple top and purple skirt and her hair is up in a way that is really nice. Lana stops when she sees him perusing the seeds, and they stare at each other for about five minutes. Tony wonders if maybe they should stay this distance apart because he senses it would be dangerous to get any closer.
And then Lana comes over and in her basket Tony spies that she has eighteen rolls of duct tape. ‘If you need to fix a puncture, I can change a tyre,’ says Tony helpfully and Lana looks at him again.
‘These aren’t for a puncture,’ she says, smiling mysteriously.
The sexual tension that is now a given between them is really filling up the aisle, and passers-by look over at them, no doubt thinking what a beautiful couple they make.
‘Thank you for the gifts,’ says Tony and then gives her the chocolates. He couldn’t find any Celebrations in Tesco, so he had to settle for Quality Street.
‘These are my favourites. You are so very thoughtful!’ says Lana, putting them in her purple bag. Tony is very good at gift buying.
Lana reaches over and strokes Tony’s arm and then they both drop their shopping baskets and start snogging again right there and then! It is very risqué, right in the middle of B&Q, but other customers who might usually be upset by it all actually seem really impressed because it’s so clearly amazing kissing.
When they finally stop, they are both out of breath despite Tony’s regular cardio on the step machine.
‘That was amazing,’ said Tony.
‘It was the best kissing I’ve ever done,’ said Lana. ‘Tony, I would like you to consider signing a contract to be my boyfriend.’
A contract? thinks a very confused Tony. Tony is not one of those men who says all women are crazy but this particular woman does seem to be crazy even though she is a very good kisser.
‘Why would you want me to sign a contract?’ he says, and this time it is out loud.
‘Because I want to be in charge of you,’ says Lana. ‘It’s what everyone does where I come from.’
Tony is not sure he believes this. He has been to all of the countries in the world and he has never seen anyone sign a contract to become a boyfriend. And it will come as no surprise that loads of women have wanted him to be their boyfriend!!
‘What would the contract say?’ says Tony, still confused but not wishing to be rude.
‘I will have it drawn up for you immediately,’ says Lana. ‘You can read it in full then. But know that signing it will mean you can have everything you’ve ever wanted. I am an amazingly generous girlfriend, Tony. You can have all my money, all my things and most importantly . . .’ Lana starts whispering ‘. . . you can have my BODY, Tony.’ Lana picks up her shopping basket full of duct tape as Tony tries to keep himself together. He is very overwhelmed by her words especially the part where she whispered the word BODY. Lana walks off and then turns around and says seductively, ‘You will want to sign it, Tony, I promise you. Oh, and will you also be at home tomorrow to take delivery of a private jet?’
Tony confirms that he will and establishes the delivery slot between three and four in the afternoon, then they go their separate ways because Tony has not completed his B&Q purchases just yet. He is more confused than ever. Yes, he is very attracted to Svetlana, but he is not sure about being her boyfriend, and he is also not too sure about signing a contract? That seems a little bit too much. He might even say that it seems a tiny bit unnecessary. Especially after only meeting a few days ago. But he has not been single for a long time and maybe this is the way of the world now. Maybe Anita is somewhere out there signing a contract with a rich man too.
Tony heads home. He knows he has a LOT of thinking to do.
END SCENE
9
10.35 a.m. Monday, 25 March
Location: The glass-walled office boardroom for our regular Monday morning ‘catch up’. There are never enough seats for everyone, so I mostly end up milling around at the back. And at least one of the old married dudes will offer to have me and/or Maddie on their laps haha just being hilarious don’t tell my wife haha or call HR just a joke. And then they will look afraid for the next ten minutes, darting glances at us and wondering if I’m recording this because I’m the type to do that. And maybe I am.
Maddie is meant to be discussing what projects she’s working on, updating Derek on how she’s getting on with them. But she’s mostly just telling everyone she’s rubbish and how it was a group effort, while the men either side of her, who didn’t help at all, look pleased with themselves and nod. I’ve told Maddie to stop doing this but she won’t. Every Monday is the same. She says she doesn’t want to come across as ‘aggressive’ by taking credit for her own accomplishments. I’m her self-appointed work wingwoman, so it’s my duty to let her know when she’s self-sabotaging, and also step in when she’s ge
tting interrupted over and over again by the office bros. I find it so frustrating, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Actually, I don’t think Madds would even know how to end a sentence during a meeting – she’s so used to being shut down mid-word.
As we all file out, I prepare to tell her off again but she doesn’t want to listen to my self-righteous speech this time, waving away my pleas with something ‘much bigger and more important’ than her ‘stupid career’.
‘I’m in love!’ she hisses at me happily as I gape back at her. Rich falls into step with us. He’s missed his 11 a.m. Quavers showing, but, thank God, he’s got a packet ready now and is already diving in.
Maddie is glowing with excitement as she giggles at my shocked face. I know she had her very first Plenty of Fish date on Friday and she didn’t reply to my pushy text on Saturday, demanding to know how it went, so I assumed it was a let-down. Because duh, dating. And duh, dating on Plenty of Fish.
‘Sorry I didn’t reply to your message, I was pretty caught up with Zack,’ she sighs. ‘That’s also why I was late to the meeting this morning. Ellie, he’s so completely wonderful, I can’t even tell you. It was love at first sight. We met after work at my local Wetherspoons, and it was just . . . magical. We got drunk on tequila and just, fell in love, y’know? He came back to mine and we spent the whole weekend together. It was so romantic.’ She looks overcome and says again, ‘He’s completely wonderful.’
‘That does sound, erm, romantic,’ I say agreeably, a bit overwhelmed with all the ‘romance’ of tequila and Wetherspoons.
Rich agrees enthusiastically, sucking on a Quaver. ‘It does sound dead romantic, Maddie, I’m so happy for you! Do you think I should try Plenty of Fish? I was at a wedding at the weekend and every girl I spoke to told me they had a boyfriend before I’d even got past hello.’
We both ignore him and Maddie goes on. ‘I know it’s come out of nowhere, and I’ve only just broken up with Ben, but Zack and I have talked about it and we’ve agreed to take it really, really slow. He knows I’m very newly single and we wouldn’t want to rush anything. But, Ellie, I totally know he’s The One and I told him that, and he said it too! We even talked about marriage and babies!’ She glances at my shocked face and adds quickly, ‘But we’re going really slow, I promise.’
I nod, enthusiastically. Marriage and babies. Really slow. ‘So . . . ’ I try. ‘You won’t be, like, talking about being boyfriend-girlfriend for a while yet?’
She looks caught out. ‘Well yes, we did decide we would take that step, and commit to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. But we’re still going really slowly, honestly we are, Ellie.’
I laugh. We have different definitions of slow, clearly. ‘That’s lovely, Madds, I’m so excited for you.’
‘So am I! Haha!’ says Rich, unnecessarily. As if anyone cares about his opinion.
Maddie hums happily. ‘Can you believe it was my very first date after Ben, and I’ve already met someone! And not just someone, but the someone! What a great story for the wedding too, don’t you think? My first internet date and I met the perfect guy. It’s a dream come true. You can just totally picture my dad making a wedding speech, can’t you? I’m so lucky!’
I laugh again and squeeze her happily.
She stops suddenly, looking mortified. ‘Oh Ellie, I’m throwing all of this in your face, aren’t I? When you’ve been single for, like, years and been on a million dates!’
‘One year, and it’s not a million,’ I correct her. I really don’t want this to turn into a conversation about me and my singleness. Not again.
I continue, ‘And as if I care about that! I’m really happy for you, Madds, this is awesome, Zack sounds like perfection. I want to see pictures and I want to meet him as soon as possible!’
Maddie starts gabbing excitedly about his gorgeous silky hair as she pulls out her phone and shows me his Facebook. I smirk, noting that they’ve already added each other and tagged themselves as ‘in a relationship’. But who am I to judge? It has been three days after all.
My snark aside, I wonder if I mean it, if I am genuinely happy for Maddie. Not totally, I realise, as she shows Rich baby pictures of Zack, and tells us how they have the same favourite colour (blue), and how Alfred went straight for his crotch when they met – which means he likes him.
It’s not jealousy I feel. I guess I am just a bit . . . disappointed. Caught off guard, maybe. I was excited about having someone single to play with. And not even for dating together purposes. I think it was more that there would be someone else for everyone to pick on. That I wouldn’t be the only curiosity around. That, by extension, my singleness wouldn’t be so strange. That my situation would be less of an issue for everyone else if my friend was in the same boat. But this is good for Maddie – in a totally nuts, overly quick, rebound-y way – because I don’t think she would’ve liked being single anyway. She’s a relationship person. We all know those friends who can’t be single; Maddie craves that security. And I’ve really never seen her this full of joy – she’s bouncing off the walls. So I’m happy for her. At least, I’m happy enough.
We sit back down at our desks and Aaron from the post room wanders by, waving in our direction.
For a second Maddie looks horrified and wails, ‘Oh my God, I forgot to have sex with Aaron! I forgot to have sex with everyone. That was my one window of opportunity and I blew it.’ She looks disappointed and then quickly rallies. ‘But Zack is The One, so it doesn’t matter. I’ve met the best man in the world, I don’t need to have sex with Aaron. I’m going to text Zack right now about how cute our babies will be. Look, I’ve downloaded that app that lets you put your pictures in and shows you what your offspring will look like.’
Rich makes a loud sucking noise on a Quaver and suddenly turns to me. ‘Hey, Ellie, I’ve just thought. I know someone single!’
Oh, here we go. Everyone has one single friend and they always say they’re perfect for you but it always turns out the ‘perfect for you’ part is just that they’re also single.
‘He’d be perfect for you!’ says Rich.
There it is. I sigh. Getting set up by Rich. I’ve hit a new life low.
Maddie puts down her phone, squealing and doing excited jazz hands. She wheels over between us in her chair. ‘Amazing! What’s his name, Rich? What does he do?’
Traitor. Straight off the single train and immediately back on the out-of-control, hurtling-towards-death-at-breakneck-speeds, find-Ellie-a-boyfriend train.
Rich grins. ‘He’s called Ronald –’ (I’m out) ‘– and he works in banking –’ (I’m back in) ‘– finding loans for customers at the Watford branch of Natwest . . . ’
But Maddie doesn’t really care about the details of this man. Nobody does really, they just want you to settle. When you’re twenty, everyone’s like, ‘Ewwwww, he said he prefers cats over dogs? Dump that creep.’ And when you’re nearly thirty, everyone’s like, ‘Oh dear, he’s on the register, so not allowed to visit your house because it’s near a playground? Just stay at his place or you could move house? – YOU CAN MAKE THIS WORK.’
Maddie’s clapping her hands now and chanting, ‘Show us a picture, show us a picture!’
‘OK!’ Rich agrees enthusiastically. This is the most attention we’ve given him in months. He turns back to his computer and logs in to Facebook, checking Derek is safely ensconced in his office. Of course Rich doesn’t already have any social media open, what a goody two shoes. Look at that – it doesn’t even have his password saved, he has to enter it manually. Monster.
I look away as he types into the search bar. Rich tried to add me on Facebook ages ago and I’ve always left it pending. His profile is open though and he’s that weirdo who updates his status once a week like he’s writing a family newsletter. And tags himself into his own status.
‘Here he is!’
Rich proudly sits back and we review Ronald Havering’s profile page.
OK, well, firstly, this man is clearly over fift
y, and his cover photo features three children he’s clinging on to with that distinct, divorced-dad-seeing-those-cherubs-on-his-only-weekend-in-a-month air.
Maddie’s eyes widen a little, ‘He looks . . . ’ she’s searching for the word, ‘LOVELY!’ She has declared herself, content with this choice of soulmate for me. ‘I mean, he’s, he’s not really my type, but you . . . ’ She trails off.
Reaching over Rich, Maddie clicks through some more photos. The third picture in is clearly with his wife, and to her credit, Maddie pauses and looks unsure, sensing a tiny hurdle.
Rich nods sadly. ‘That’s his ex-wife, they broke up in January, but,’ he turns to me eagerly, ‘he’s definitely ready to start dating again, he told me so. And he’s such a great guy. Loves his kids so much and is a major cat person. He’s really close to his mum too, actually he lives with her, but that’s just until the divorce goes through next year.’
God I hate Rich.
‘Er, how old is Ronald?’ I enquire politely.
‘Oh.’ Rich looks concerned. ‘He is a bit older than you, is that a problem? I’m sorry, Ellie, I didn’t think you minded an age difference. The pictures of you and your ex on Facebook—’
‘Tim?’ I interrupt, bewildered. Tim is my age, and if anything, he looks much younger than me. Every time we got a meal deal in M&S, he would get asked for ID; to the point where I always had to buy the wine for us. I got ID’d in there once too, and when I started delightedly looking in my bag for my driving license, the cashier laughed and said, ‘I was only joking.’
