by Harper Bliss
“You really don’t need to apologize to me.”
“He did ask one very pertinent question, though.” Ava’s gaze flicked from Charlie to some undefined point behind her. “Why can’t I have you, Charlie? If I’m so crazy about you, why can’t we be together?”
“I think we need another drink.” Charlie went inside to fetch the bottle of sherry. She used the time to inhale deeply a few times.
“It’s okay,” Ava said as soon as Charlie returned with the bottle. “I know why you don’t want to be with me. No need to explain again.”
This made Charlie feel like an idiot. She refilled the glasses. Ava downed hers immediately again.
“Do you want to swim?” she asked, her words slurring.
“I presume these are not your first drinks of the day?” Charlie examined Ava’s face closely. Her eyes drooped and the corners of her mouth curved downward.
“I was at brunch, remember?”
“I’m going to make some coffee.” Charlie didn’t wait for a reply and ventured back inside. Ava had a fancy, professional-looking coffee maker, and it took Charlie a while to figure out how everything worked. In the end, she managed to brew a large mug for each of them. When she gave Ava her coffee ten minutes later, the level of the sherry bottle had gone down farther.
“Drink this,” she instructed, moving the bottle to the other end of the table.
Ava obeyed.
Part of Charlie wanted to flee this situation and the conversation they needed to have, but she couldn’t leave Ava like this.
After a few more sips of coffee, Ava’s eyes lit up. “Did you bring the book?”
“Yes.” Charlie curved her fingers around the warm mug.
“Can I see it?” Ava raised her eyebrows.
“It’s yours, so yes, although I’m not sure you’re in the right state for it.” Charlie didn’t reach for her bag.
Ava banged her elbows on the table. “Not to worry, Charlie, my moment of melodrama is passing quickly.” She let her head hang for a few seconds, her long hair obscuring everything but her shoulders. Then, with a quick movement, she flicked her head back, hair and all. “I’m my old self again.” She finished with a wide smile.
A chuckle rose all the way from Charlie’s belly. “Fine.” She dug the book out of her bag—which also held a swimming suit—and slid it in Ava’s direction.
Ava clutched the book to her chest. “My treasure.” She found Charlie’s eyes. “The other week when I wanted to read from it, why didn’t you let me?”
Charlie decided there was still a good amount of alcohol clouding Ava’s brain. “Because I can’t bear it when people say my words out loud. I can’t really explain it, but it embarrasses the hell out of me. Especially the line you were about to read.”
“How did you know which one I had picked?” Ava started thumbing through the book. “Are you brilliant and psychic?”
“Neither, but people can be quite predictable.”
“Really? So you knew I was going to read this one.” Ava opened the book. She opened her mouth, took a deep breath, then said, “I’m just teasing you, Charlie. I don’t know why, but I seem to derive great pleasure from doing so.” She smiled warmly. “Can I read your dedication or would you rather I wait?”
A sweat broke on her back, but she nodded. “Go ahead. But don’t read it out loud.” Charlie had spent the better part of her Saturday trying to come up with something—again. She’d finally settled on:
To Ava,
May our new friendship inspire many stories, all of them with happy endings.
“That’s so sweet. Thank you.” She paused. “Do you have time to work on a new novel now that you’re doing Underground?”
It was a friendly enough question, and much more poignant than Ava could possibly realize, because, as much as Charlie enjoyed the experience of bringing Underground to the screen, she didn’t have enough free time to devote to other writing.
Charlie dabbed her brow. She was hit with the sudden realization that what they were trying to do was madness. Every conversation they shared made her feel closer to Ava, strengthening feelings she wouldn’t allow herself to act upon. She couldn’t even imagine confiding in Ava about how much she missed actual ass-in-chair solitary writing. Nor could she casually tell Ava about anything else going on in her life. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and chit-chat with you. It’s driving me insane.” Charlie sighed. “I have serious feelings for you, and they’re not going to disappear if we continue to be ‘friends.’ Who are we kidding?”
Ava put the book down, her fingers tracing the lines of the cover image. “Then what do you suggest?”
Saying the words felt like someone was piercing a stake through her heart. “I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while. Let things cool down a bit.”
“That’s the last thing I want to do.” Ava combed her perfectly sculpted eyebrow with a fingertip. “Tell me honestly, Charlie, are you ever going to be able to give me a fair chance?”
“I don’t know.” Charlie scratched her cheek to give her hand something to do. “I want to, so very much, but I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll screw things up even more.”
“How, though? How can it be worse than it is now? Clearly, we can’t be friends. So why don’t we just try?”
To convince herself more than anything else, Charlie shook her head. “I wish it could be that simple.”
“What if it is? What if you’re so stuck inside the mess in your head you’re not allowing it to be?”
Charlie shook her head more vigorously. “It’s all fresh and exciting now. And yes, it would be simple and easy to date, fall into bed, fall in love, but what happens when you get tired of me? When the newness wears off and you realize you confused falling in love with me with something else?”
“Any new relationship has so many ifs, Charlie. There’s always a risk. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. If you stop trying, you might as well give up on love altogether.”
“I will happily try as soon as the right person comes along.”
“Ah.” Ava tapped a fingertip on the tabletop. “Like Josie, you mean?”
Charlie narrowed her eyes and tried to ignore the rising feeling of dread in her stomach. “I understand your sarcasm, I really do. But you have no idea how hard I had to struggle to get back on my feet after Jo left me. I’d be a fool to not do what I can to prevent that from happening again.”
“Newsflash, Charlie. I’m not Jo.”
“I know. At least Jo identified as a lesbian when we met, not that I cared much back then.” Charlie felt the push of tears behind her eyes.
“Doesn’t that totally disprove your theory?”
“We can theorize all we want. It won’t change how I feel.”
“Even if that makes you a coward who’s willing to sacrifice something potentially beautiful just so you can continue to be miserable on your own?”
“You’re forty-five years old, Ava. Don’t you think you would know by now if you had any real attraction to women? Sleeping with a few female friends along the way just makes you a cliché.”
“Okay. Time-out. Please.”
Charlie drew some air into her lungs, but continued despite Ava’s request for a reprieve. “Don’t you think I want to be different? I hate feeling like this. It’s hell to have this huge crush on you, to get to know you better and discover that you might very well be one of the greatest people I have ever met. But I just can’t act on it. Giving in to you would set off so many alarms in my brain, we’d be doomed from the start.”
“Well, then I guess your solution is the only one we have.” Ava’s usually straight posture slumped. “But, for the record, it doesn’t have to be that way.”
“I know it’s my fault.” Charlie wanted to get up, but her legs felt like jelly. “If only…” she started to say, then thought better of it.
“If only what?” Ava was even attractive when she scowled like that.
“I
f only you’d, I don’t know, actually fallen in love with Sandra. Or any other woman. Ever.”
“I really like you.” Ava’s voice was small.
Although it was a flattering thing to hear, it only deepened Charlie’s sorrow, because it further proved her point. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s not enough.”
“I know.” Ava’s voice cracked.
Charlie had to go now. She hadn’t touched the sherry, so at least that wouldn’t affect her ability to drive. She finally rose. “I’d better go.”
Ava nodded. Her body slumped in defeat. “It was nice knowing you, Charlie Cross.”
Charlie hurried inside the house, and then out the front door, tears prickling in her eyes. When she reached her car, she gave the front tire a good kick. She steadied herself by planting both hands on the roof until the tears subsided.
Oh, how she wanted for Ava to come rushing out of that door she had just walked out of, hug her violently, and make her see what an awful mistake she was making. But Charlie’s earlier words had not been spoken in vain.
It would never be enough.
CHAPTER TWELVE
During a break at work, Charlie killed time by scrolling through her Facebook feed. She didn’t feel much like interacting with the others. She didn’t feel like doing much of anything since she’d fled Ava’s house last Sunday.
Her scrolling was interrupted by a message notification. It was from Liz, who was sitting two feet away from her at the other end of the table.
Will you ever smile again?
The message actually made Charlie smile and when she looked up at Liz, who was pulling a goofy face, Charlie genuinely laughed for the first time in days. Another message arrived on her phone, again from Liz.
Score!
“Come on.” Liz got up and fixed her gaze on Charlie. “Let’s get some fresh air.”
Charlie let herself be dragged outside of the writers’ room. “Even the weather never gets gloomy in LA,” she said when they stood under the mild midday sun.
“If you’re going to start complaining about too much sunshine, then I’m not sure even I, master of comedy, can save you.”
“Since when are you a master of comedy?” Charlie stared at Liz. “Tell me a joke right now, if you’re such a comedic genius.”
“I’m more a slapstick kind of person, Charlie. You know that. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not very good at delivering the punchline to a joke.” Liz brought her hands to Charlie’s shoulders and squeezed tight. “Talk to me, buddy.”
Charlie shrugged. “I blew it. I know I blew it. But even if I could go back in time, I don’t know how I could undo my behavior. Not any of it.”
Liz sighed and fixed Charlie with a determined stare. “You’re scared, Charlie. Fear can make people behave like the biggest jerks.”
“If only I knew how to stop being so afraid.”
“I can’t tell you that.” Liz kept her hands on Charlie’s shoulders. “But I can tell you this. There are never any guarantees in life. Jo might as well have left you for another woman instead of a man, but the point is that she left you. It’s completely normal to be upset and hurt about that, but… I think you’re focusing a little too much on who she’s with now instead of why you’re not together anymore.”
“Maybe. I mean, yes, I know. And I wish I felt differently about this. I really do,” Charlie said. “But I simply don’t know how.”
“Then you probably need some more time. Breakups are never easy.” Liz finally let go of Charlie’s shoulders. “Let me tell you something about Sarah and me. When we first met, I liked her immediately. I fell head over heels in love with her. All my thoughts were consumed by her and I wanted her bad. When we hooked up for the first time, I was over the moon. All my dreams were coming true and all that. But then, a day later, she told me she wasn’t ready. She was still getting over someone else and it would be unfair to me to start dating again so quickly. She liked me very much and blah blah blah, but she wasn’t ready. And you know what? She was right.” Liz fixed her big round eyes on Charlie. “Instead of moping around and taking it personally, I waited. Because she was worth it. We became friends first. Then we became closer and closer until, a few months later, she was ready. The rest is history.” Liz wiggled the fingers of her left hand in front of Charlie, then pointed at her wedding ring. “What I’m trying to say is that things don’t always work out the way you want them to, but they will work out if it’s meant to be.”
“Ava could surely have used a friend the other day after her brunch with Eric, but instead of being there for her, I ran away,” Charlie said.
“Every situation is different. But yeah, you do have your head up your own ass way too much about this, in my humble opinion.” Liz smirked. “But you know what else, Charlie? That’s okay as well. You’re obviously still hurting. And nobody can dictate how long your grief about a former relationship should last. Just take it easy and… try to start loving yourself a bit more again every day. You’ll get there in the end.”
“Do you mean I wallow in self-pity too much and chase gorgeous women away because of my self-loathing?” Charlie asked.
“What I mean, dear Charlie, is that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, and that you shouldn’t try to stick to a bunch of silly made-up rules in your head. That’s all.” Liz pulled up her shoulders. “Easy.” She gave Charlie an encouraging smirk. “We should probably head back inside now.” Liz put her arm around Charlie. “And don’t forget, we all blow it sometimes. I’m sure even the divine Ava Castaneda has screwed up some things in her life. It’s how you recover from your mistakes that matters most.”
“You might not be a great comedian, but you’re a wise woman, Liz. Sarah is so lucky that you waited for her.” Charlie curved her arm around Liz’s waist and they walked back into the writers’ room like that.
“Glad you could join us, lovebirds,” Michelle said, making the other writers break out in cat calls and wolf whistles.
“You’re still up for the auction, aren’t you?” Liz asked as she let go of Charlie.
“Anything for my dear friend Liz,” Charlie said, and shot Liz a wink.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“For the life of me, I’m not missing a second of this lesbian auction,” Nick said. “Jason, hurry up! We’re late!”
Nick had lured Charlie into riding with them with the promise of not having to mind her alcohol intake, but he’d also instructed Charlie to arrive at least an hour before they had to leave so he could “correct her look.” Charlie had arrived a half hour early, downed the better part of a bottle of wine, and swatted Nick’s hands away whenever he made the slightest attempt to touch her. She knew far better than him what lesbians liked to see.
By the time they had to leave, and with a good amount of liquid courage in her system, she finally worked up the nerve to ask, “Have you seen Ava?”
“I see her on TV every week, darling,” Nick said absentmindedly, a clear deflection.
“How is she?”
“Jason!” Nick yelled. “Jesus. Queens and bathrooms. It’s a nightmare.” He stopped pacing and sat down next to Charlie on the sofa. “Do you really want to know? I mean, you’re not friends anymore. Maybe it’s better to stop talking about her.”
Charlie’s work days had grown much longer now that Underground had started shooting and she had welcomed the opportunity to bury herself in work and the excitement of filming a TV show with both hands. Being near the one and only Elisa Fox didn’t suck either. When she came home in the evening, she was too exhausted to even glance at her TV. Her YouTube binge watching had dramatically decreased as well. “Okay, Nickie, if you say so.”
“For some reason, she has started seeing Eric again. It must be her way to forget about you, which I have told her in no uncertain terms, but women can be so stubborn sometimes,” he blurted out. How long had he sat on this information, waiting for the right moment to share it?
The news still hit Charlie like a slap in the
face. “She’s seeing Eric again?”
“Apparently he made some big love declaration. I don’t know too many details. Last time we spoke, she seemed kind of reluctant to address the topic.”
Jason finally emerged from the bathroom, every single hair on his head in the exact spot it was meant to be in. “I’m ready,” he exclaimed triumphantly, as though it were a major feat to only need an hour to groom himself.
“The car’s been waiting for hours.” Nick emphasized the word “hours,” not exaggerating at all, as usual.
“You look smashing, Charlie. I bet you’ll go for a million bucks.”
Charlie had been so busy with work and trying not to think about Ava, she hadn’t paid a lot of attention to the day of the singles’ auction creeping closer.
“Let’s go,” Nick said. “Lesbians don’t wait.”
* * *
When they arrived at the venue, the place was heaving. As though she’d been waiting, Liz pounced on Charlie as soon as she saw her, barely noticing Nick and Jason.
“There you are,” she said. To her credit, she didn’t tap her watch. Liz was co-organizer of the auction. “I know this was all in the e-mail I sent you last week, but you’ll need to come backstage at a quarter to nine exactly. You can be there sooner, but definitely not later, okay?”
“Who’s this policewoman, Charlie?” Nick asked.
It seemed to finally register with Liz that Charlie had brought Nick Kent.
“Oh my God,” she said, totally out of character. “I absolutely adore you.” Then she slapped Charlie in the arm. “Why haven’t you introduced us before? You know I love Laughing Matters.”
“Erm, Lizzie, you told me you had applied for a writer job on the show years ago. You never actually said you loved it.”
“Hi, I’m Nick’s husband.” Jason stepped forward, hand outstretched. “But I also go by Jason.”
