by Ryan Michele
But I can’t.
I can’t put him in danger after everything he’s done for me. He can never be hurt. My mom always believed in karma. She said that good people will have good things. Nox is good people and deserves to be happy and far away from me. No matter how much it hurts me.
He rolls down the passenger side window. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes.”
Dammit, just go so I can let all this out. The emotions are building to the point of combustion.
He nods once. “Take care of yourself, Carsyn.”
“You too, Nox.”
He starts the car, throws it in reverse, and faster than he came into my life—he’s gone.
Only then do I crumble to the ground as the sobs rack me from the inside out. My body shakes as the pain unleashes itself once again.
He’s gone.
And somehow, I have to figure out how to do life on my own.
Be happy, Nox. You have to be happy.
Until we meet in another life…
One can hope.
13
Nox
Present
Fuck, I hate this place. The smell alone is enough to drive a man over the edge. The sterile environment just screams of death and illness. No matter how much they try to scrub it away, this place is never clean. The air is heavy with every emotion from despair and loss to elation at new life. While it’s filled with people, at times it feels like you’re completely alone. Each one of us here our way of coping and pushing through.
Sometimes though, even your family can’t help you pull yourself back up, when they are all drowning too.
My sister, Austyn, squeezes my hand. “We almost lost Pops and now this?” Tears well in her eyes as I squeeze her back, trying to give her a little reassurance. She’s right, though. Not so long ago we sat in these same chairs wondering if fate was going to rip the man we all looked up to away from us.
Gunshot wound. Yes, he was shot, but it was his heart that gave us the scare. He teetered between life and death for way too long and somehow, someway, he pulled through. It was damn close and turned the entire club on its head.
It was the reason we were out riding today. Pops was finally cleared to go for a ride, and we waited no time getting on the road. We were off for a family ride letting the road pass mile for mile, enjoying the air whipping across our face with our family by our sides.
The day was sunny and gorgeous for it.
It was perfect.
Until …
The screeching of tires as I look around us, but there’s no time. A car veers to the left, but clips Dagger and Mearna’s bike, hard.
Their bodies fly in the air, end over end flipping like they’re on a twisted carnival ride. The bike lands opposite as everything crashes down to the ground in a sound I never want to hear again. Crashing, crunching, breaking, screaming; sobs of confusion… all of it happening so fast my brain can’t register what is before my eyes.
This can’t be real life.
This can’t happen.
Not to the Ravage MC. Yet, it is because as much as I want it to be, it’s not a dream for me to wake up from.
Flipping my kickstand, I dart to Dagger whose body shakes uncontrollably, his limbs moving every which way. Blood comes out of his nose, mouth, and eyes. His body trembles so badly that Jacks reaches into his pocket and grabs a handkerchief, putting it in his mouth so he doesn’t bite his tongue because his jaw is moving so quickly.
911 is called, by who I don’t know, just heard someone yell it. I look over at Mearna. Her daughter Tanner is screaming, crying for help as she holds her hand over a wound trying to stop the flow of blood. She has broken bones because I see one coming out of her skin.
She doesn’t look conscious.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Rhys takes off down the ditch heading to the car. I jump, following him. “Fuck!” he yells, smashing his fists in the hood of the car over and over again, the metal cracking from the force.
The car is empty.
Those sounds play on repeat in my mind, never stopping and clouding my head. The bike crashing as bones crack and break, metal scraping on the hard ground. Fuck.
Wiping my hand over my face, there is nothing I can do right now that is going to fix anything. There is nothing in the world that hurts more than feeling helpless. That’s exactly what I feel.
It’s how everyone around me feels and why it’s so damn quiet except for the tears and sobs. Looking around the room, shock is pretty much on everyone’s faces, including mine.
It hasn’t fully processed yet. I remember it. I was there, but it hasn’t really sunk in what exactly happened. It’s a strange thing, almost like you’re out of your body and all of this is happening below you and you’re unable to do a damn thing about it.
Dagger and Mearna were immediately taken back for surgery. There are so many things wrong with both of them I had to tune out the doctors before I lost my shit on them to shut them up. Broken bones, organs in trouble, head trauma… it didn’t stop.
It’s bad. They’re both close to dying. A critical care team has been assigned to each of them.
That’s all they needed to say and then to get back and work on them. That’s their fucking job, not to stand out here and list all the things wrong. Right? My sister would tell me that I’m taking out my aggression on the wrong person because they are there to help. But fuck, inside I’m a damn coil pressed down too hard that’s ready to spring at any moment. It’s like the shock feeds that beast inside of me for action, because that’s what we do. Make those hurt who hurt us.
Right now, we can’t because not a single one of us will leave this place until we find out the outcome of the surgeries.
Tanner called Rylynn, who got here shortly after us. She is hugging her mother as she cries. Rylynn though, looks like her father—pissed. Rhys is so livid everyone is staying clear of him because when he blows, it’s going to be ugly. All except my father, no doubt keeping an eye on him.
Rhys and Dagger are super close and have been through so much shit in their time side by side. When Rhys claimed Dagger’s daughter, I thought for sure there would be blows coming from both sides. But Rhys is Rhys, and he does what he wants when he wants. Claiming his woman was no different. Dagger accepted it wholeheartedly saying no other man was good enough for his daughter.
The only ones not here are Ma and the prospect, Patrick; they went to stay with Mazie, Tanner and Rhys’ kid and Dagger and Mearna’s grandbaby, and some of the younger kids. We try to protect everyone, but sometimes that’s just not possible.
Everything in this moment is a fucking mess.
Ryker pulls Austyn to his side as she releases my hand, and I feel the loss immediately. I’ve never been a man who needs comfort, but shit like this…
When they occur, you realize how short life really is. Sure, we know our time will come to an end, but we don’t focus on it until it comes knocking on our door. It puts so much into perspective.
Life—death.
Love—hate.
It makes the picture of your life clearer instead of the haze that we allow to fall over our eyes as we move through life.
There are many things that I haven’t done in my twenty-four years. Love my club with everything I have inside of me, and till my dying breath will do everything and anything for them. Except I crave to have a good woman at my side. Each of my brothers is holding their women, grounding them, loving them unconditionally. Me, I sit alone because pussy is just pussy. Until it’s not.
I had a good woman… for a few days, as much as I kept telling myself it didn’t mean anything—it did, so much more that I thought. I got a taste and that was it; nothing else will ever compare. She’s in my dreams when I close my eyes and my head when I’m awake. Always there. Always below the surface. How the little sprite got under my skin so fast, I’m not sure. It could be our history and filling that crush we both had on each other. Or maybe it’s something else.
The softness of her skin and breathy sounds still plague me. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Pulling the car away and watching her get smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror took every bit of my strength not to turn around and go after her. My father says it takes a strong man to give up something for the benefit of another.
Me, I wish I would’ve followed through with my initial thoughts to bring Carsyn to the clubhouse, take out the Rangers, and been done with it. She’d be by my side… or would she? Even if that scenario happened, there’s no way to know if she would’ve stayed. There’s no time machine that could tell me.
Her eyes though, when I left, were covered in pain. She tried so hard to cover it up, plastering on that fake smile she used all the time, but I saw it. The hurt swirled around in those brown depths, but she’s too prideful or maybe it’s stubbornness. She believes with everything in her that if she stays away no one will find her and I won’t get hurt. Convincing her that I’m not scared one bit by that asshole was going to take more time than available to me.
Therefore, I did the only thing I could do—leave her with someone I trusted who would protect her.
The punishment for not telling the club was absolutely worth it. The desperation in her eyes along with the sheer terror, I would’ve said anything to get the light back in her eyes. True, I should’ve talked to my brothers—would’ve, could’ve, should’ve and all that. They would’ve helped me no problem, but fuck, I was afraid she’d run away if we all showed up on our bikes. It would’ve been an all-out war and she’d be scared shitless.
I did what I thought was right. What a man would do to protect his woman, even if she’ll never be mine.
My lips tip as I remember.
The dirt cakes under my fingernails, hell it’s in every crevice of my body at this point. When my father told me: “We’re going to expand the hole. Or, I should say, you’re going to expand the hole. No equipment but your hands and a shovel. You have two weeks to get it done. If it is not, we’ll have something else for you immediately. During those two weeks, you will be in charge of cleaning all the bathrooms in the clubhouse and shop. You will get all garbage from the place and take it to the dumpster daily. You will help Bristyl in the office when she needs it. You will help us if we need it. If we keep you busy all day and you don’t have time to work on the hole, that’s your problem to figure out. Two weeks and if it’s not completed, you don’t want to know what will happen.” I knew I’d be miserable for a while.
Damn he was so pissed off, and what hurt more was the disappointment he had in his eyes. But I was man enough to make the decision to help Carysn, and I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change my decision because I knew the outcome here. She has a right to be free and happy, and giving that to her is the best gift in the world.
The walls around me begin to shake as I sit on a bucket taking a break. Jumping up, I head to the stairs, getting the hell out of there because being buried alive isn’t the way I want to leave this world.
I’m shocked and stunned with what I find.
“Hey there, dip shit!” Dagger calls out, waving his beer in the air while he sits on a huge ass piece of machinery. “Bout time you got outta there.”
All the guys stand around laughing, even I crack a smirk. “You know how to drive that thing?”
“Like ridin’ a damn bike. I got this.”
Dagger picks up the bucket of the end loader and begins to dig down into the ground. “Can someone tell me what’s goin’ on here?”
My father slaps his hand on my shoulder. “Son, we were renting this the entire time. Just needed you to put in some elbow grease.”
We laughed for a long time at that one. Dagger ended up giving up the wheel when his intake of booze switched over to the hard stuff. All the work I’d done over the past two weeks was decimated in a couple of hours, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
The laughter at my expense was welcome because for those two weeks I worked, all that crossed my mind was Carsyn, hoping that she was okay.
Fuck, Dagger. That’s one of a billion memories I have of him. Knowing him since birth, he always knew how to talk his way out of pretty much anything. It made him excellent at negotiations.
My heart cramps and twists, threatening to spill blood.
My sister, Austyn, reaches over again and grabs my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze as I sit with my head in my hands, elbows on my knees. She’s my twin, and we’ve always had a special bond. It’s as if she can feel my pain inside of her as well as I can for her.
The doors to the back of the ER fly open and a man with a white coat, different from the ones before, and stethoscope around his neck comes out wiping his hands with a paper towel.
“Family of Cameron and Mearna Wagner.”
Tanner and Rhys hop up with Rylynn on their heels. We all follow, creating a large half-moon around the doc, who takes us in warily as we look to him for hope. Hope that this is going to end well. That Dagger and Mearna will be coming home with us.
The doctor’s face is blank and the air around him is solemn, not giving me good vibes at all.
“I’m going to need you to come back for a bit to discuss some things.”
Tanner starts sobbing knowing it’s bad news as she, Rhys, and Rylynn follow the doctor behind the door. No way the doctor would have glowing reports for them and not give them to the entire crowd. Makes it all the worst.
“Dammit,” my father growls, and I have the same sentiment. Being out of the loop is not a strong suit for us Cruzs. We are more action men, not sitting around and waiting men. Sitting back down, no one takes their eyes off the door and we wait.
**
“They’ve been in there for like forty-five minutes. What’s taking so long?” I overhear my sister asking her man, Ryker, my future brother-in-law, who’s holding her tightly.
“Don’t have a clue,” he responds, kissing the top of her head and rubbing his hands up and down her arms.
Reaching up, I stretch my arm muscles hearing them crack and pop, reminding me of the sounds heard earlier.
Tanner and Rhys come through the door, and we all make our way to them forming a very large half circle. Tanner’s eyes are puffy and bloodshot with tear marks covering her cheeks. She’s shaking and clinging on to Rhys like she’s going to fall over at any moment. Rhys has his arm around her stomach to prevent that.
Tanner can’t speak because she shakes her head holding a tissue to her nose.
Rhys takes a deep breath showing us how much he’s rattled, because he doesn’t pause—ever. Hesitation is not in his vocabulary. He’s raw power which means whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be bad. Really bad and as I look around the circle, the guys hold their women just a bit tighter and Emery and Bristyl look as though they’re holding their breath.
“Dagger is brain dead.”
Everything stops.
This isn’t real.
You can feel the air being sucked out of the room as a dark cloud comes in to storm over all of us. The rage of the lightning hits all of us giving such a sucker punch that every single man around me holds on for dear life.
My heart feels crushing, twisting, and splitting down the middle. The pain, hurt, and devastation swirls around making the darkness thicker so we’re unable to see.
Fuck. We were just out for a ride. Something we do all the damn time. This shit wasn’t supposed to happen. Dagger was never supposed to go… not like that and especially with his woman on the back of his bike. This is so fucked up.
“He’s on a ventilator, but it’s doing all the work for him. His body is hurt, but still functioning through the machines. There’s nothing the doctors can do.” He takes a deep breath. “Mearna has several broken bones, but those will heal. Her liver, however, was punctured badly. She’s still unconscious, but her brain activity shows that she’s still with us.” Rhys pulls Tanner closer to him and kisses her on top of the head
while she weeps. Losing one parent let alone two on the same day is devastating. “Doctors believe she has a fighting chance, but she needs a liver transplant.”
Fuck, even I know someone can’t live without a liver. Kidneys yes. Liver—fuck no.
Tanner hiccups, and her voice comes out cracked. “We’re trying to see if Dad is a match for Mom. We won’t know anything until they run the tests. They put a huge rush on the results because if he is a match, they need to do the transplant right away. If he’s not a match, the doctors don’t have another liver right now to give her. She can’t function without it, so if Dad’s not a match…” She hiccups, the emotions becoming too much.
Tears stream down her cheeks as she puts her face in Rhys’ chest. He wraps his arms around her and holds on tight as her body shakes uncontrollably, his face a stony mask.
My brother, Cooper, has his eyes closed and his chin resting on his woman, Bristyl’s head. Tug has Blaze wrapped in his arms. Everyone is comforting each other and trying to make sense of everything that’s happened in the course of a few hours. Those hours feel like days, months, years. It’s a knife twisting inside your heart and shredding it to pieces.
The room is electric with grief and pain trickling out of each one of us. My mother even bats away a few tears. Emery’s on Jack’s arm. Deke with Riley. Coop with Bristyl. Austyn with Ryker. Tug and Blaze. Everyone is here, and there’s nothing we can do to fix this.
He’s gone.
Gone in a way that he’ll never be found. I hope to Christ that he’s a match for Mearna because he wouldn’t have it any other way. Him saving her… that’s what he’d wish for. If he can save her, he’ll rest in peace.
It’s amazing how when you lose someone, they don’t feel it. Their souls are not in pain. It’s the grief that we leave the ones behind who have to deal with it. Who have to try to figure out a way to cope.
My cell rings and I grab it quickly to turn it off, but see Gunny’s name on the display. Fuck. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I’ve been wrapped up in digging and trying to work that I haven’t kept in touch with him. There for a while I called and checked up on Carsyn a lot, and he said she was adjusting. Fuck, what if she’s not anymore?
