by Maya Banks
None of this was hers. She had no right to Merrick’s credit card. Or his money. Or to be here like she belonged.
Despair weighed down on her. And panic. What if she never remembered? She couldn’t depend on Cade and Merrick forever. Couldn’t expect them to support her and for her to continue on in her helpless frustration.
Her mouth had gone completely dry, and she withdrew her hand from her pocket just as the cashier scanned the last item.
“I’m really sorry,” Elle said in a low voice. “I’ve forgotten my wallet.”
She began backing away from the register as she spoke. A look of annoyance creased the cashier’s face. Then the cashier surveyed the groceries that the bagger was steadily working on.
“They’ll be in the cart if you want to run home and get it,” the cashier said. “We can’t wait long, or the refrigerated goods will go bad.”
Elle nodded and turned and all but ran from the store, hoping she hadn’t drawn too much attention to herself. She felt like the worst sort of idiot. It had seemed like such a good idea, a fun idea, to go out on her own. Take the plunge. Be brave.
The last months had been so wonderful. She’d made friends. She had a circle of people—Merrick’s and Cade’s people—who accepted her and she hung out with. But she’d still remained solidly dependent on Cade and Merrick, never going anywhere without one of them.
She’d wanted to do something normal, something brave and independent. Only she wasn’t normal. She had no way to pay for the items, and it felt wrong to pull out Merrick’s credit card and blithely pay for her whims.
The grocery store was close enough to walk and that had been her plan to walk the three blocks, but Cade and Merrick had flipped out over the suggestion.
They hadn’t wanted her to go alone at all, but they’d put their foot down when she’d mentioned walking. The mere idea of her being so exposed without their protection had broken both men out into a sweat, so she’d backed down quickly.
Cade insisted she use his SUV, and she’d balked at the idea of driving without a license or identification. Both men had said they’d rather chance her driving the three blocks than walking. Now she was glad they had because she just wanted to be back in the sanctuary of their house.
She liked being close to them. Today had been more of a test of herself than it was the idea that she was actually facing her fears and venturing out on her own. That’s the way she’d presented it to the men, but she’d known the truth. She’d been terrified but determined to force herself out of her comfort zone. Out of the isolation she’d existed in for the last six months.
Yes, she associated with the people in Cade and Merrick’s circle. Good people. But she still led a very isolated existence, and she knew it. She did nothing outside of Cade’s and Merrick’s interests. Nothing for herself. Nothing on her own.
The truth was, and she realized it more than ever, that she didn’t want to go anywhere without them. Cade and Merrick had not just become parts of her life. They’d become the most important aspect of her existence.
She depended on them for everything. Even if it was just a comforting smile and the assurance that she’d always have a place with them.
That part always baffled her, but they were absolutely sincere. In fact, they’d settled into a comfortable existence that she took for granted more with each passing day.
It had been an alarming realization just the day before that she found herself hoping that she didn’t have to deal with her past and any possible issues it could present. She was happy and content with Cade and Merrick. In the present. Today. Now.
She was hopelessly in denial, but she didn’t want to correct the problem. She found refuge in denial. If she didn’t think about it, it didn’t exist, and it couldn’t hurt her.
She had to temper the urge to put her foot down on the accelerator. Instead she eased out of the parking lot, being supremely cautious. Sweat rolled down her neck when a patrol car passed in front of her and turned right at the next street.
Her hands grew clammy, and panic rose sharply. She tried to keep her breathing measured and then accelerated past the side street and focused on getting home.
Home.
It was what she considered Cade and Merrick’s house.
Her home.
She didn’t want to be anywhere else.
No matter where she traveled to with Cade and Merrick for Merrick’s fights or training, she considered their little house in their quiet little subdivision home, and it was where she felt the safest.
A few minutes later, she pulled into the driveway and hurriedly got out of the SUV. She rushed for the front door, so happy to be back where she felt secure that she was nearly giddy with relief.
When she entered through the kitchen, both men turned around from where they were sitting at the table. Their gazes found her instantly, and then they both frowned.
“What’s wrong?” Merrick asked sharply.
“Where are the groceries?” Cade asked. “Do you need us to bring them in?”
She shook her head mutely, and the crush of her stupidity hit her full on. She was embarrassed over her panic attack. Now that she was back in her sanctuary, all the fear faded, and calm descended.
Merrick rose and walked toward her, concern burning in his eyes.
“Elle, baby, what happened?”
She pulled out his card and thrust it in his direction.
“I’m an idiot. I was fine. I picked out all these goodies and meats and had plans to make certain meals. It was something I wanted to do for the both of you. And then when I got to the checkout, I realized that I had no right to spend all that money. Money that isn’t mine. I don’t even know who I am. I have no ID. And I’m there using your card like I have the right, and I just felt so ashamed.”
A curse blew past Merrick’s lips. He closed his hand over hers but didn’t take the card. In the background, Cade rose and walked over to where Elle and Merrick stood. His expression wasn’t any happier than Merrick’s.
“You have every right,” Merrick bit out. “Elle, you belong to us. It’s our job to take care of you and your needs. We took that on willingly. We don’t regret that for a minute. Part of seeing to your needs is providing you the means to buy whatever it is you need. Like clothing. Food. Whatever makes you happy.”
“You were happy when you left here,” Cade interjected quietly. “You were excited and looking forward to going out on your own. What happened?”
She threw up her hands in frustration. “I freaked out. I just started thinking that none of this is mine. I have no money. No identity. I’m a complete burden to both of you. And then when I was driving home, I saw a cop, and I had a panic attack right then and there. I mean, when does it end? I can’t go on like this. How can you even stand to be around me? I’m a hot mess. A complete head case.”
Merrick reached out, put his arm around her neck and pulled her against his chest until her face rested over his heartbeat. He kissed the top of her head, but then what he did next completely shocked her.
As he pulled her away, he leaned down, palmed the back of her head and pressed his lips to hers in a hot, hungry kiss. He didn’t try to overpower her. In fact, he was extremely gentle. But she was overpowered from the first moment their lips met.
Her knees went weak, and heat pooled in her belly, rushing rapidly through her veins.
This time when he pulled away, his eyes were flush with desire, and he stared at her like…like she was something special. Someone he cherished. She stared back, mystified, and then her gaze skirted to Cade because she found herself suddenly dreading his reaction. She didn’t like the feeling that she had just in some way betrayed Cade. It was a stupid thought because they were nothing to her, and she was nothing to them. Was she? But then why had Merrick kissed her? Why had he looked at her with warm possessiveness that made her shiver in delight?
What came next was even more baffling because Cade stepped forward, circled her wrist with gentle
fingers, and then he pulled her to him. He cupped one cheek in his palm, gently caressing her as he lowered his mouth to hers in a sensual, passionate kiss.
She was too stunned to react. She went rigid, wondering what kind of mess she’d gotten herself into. They’d both kissed her. One after the other.
She pulled abruptly away from Cade and glanced nervously back at Merrick to gauge his reaction. But there was no anger in his expression. There was nothing at all to denote he wasn’t happy with Cade kissing her.
When she looked back at Cade, she saw the same calmness in his eyes, and her head started to spin.
This was crazy. The pieces just wouldn’t come together.
They’d made it clear she belonged to them, but she’d never really given it any deep thought. She just considered them two knights in shining armor who’d gone above and beyond for a woman they didn’t know.
That was it. Eventually she was sure they’d want to move her out or that they were just waiting for her memory to return so they could push her on her merry way back to whatever life she’d lived before.
But then there were all the comments about them being with her for the long term. About being there to help her even once her memory returned.
What did it all mean?
“I think we need to talk,” she said faintly.
“What happened with the groceries?” Cade asked.
She blinked in surprise at the abrupt change in topic. For a moment, she couldn’t remember what she’d done with the groceries. They were the very last thing on her mind. The minute the two men had kissed her, thoughts of anything else had fled.
“I, uh, left them at the store. The cashier said they’d keep them there in the cart if I wanted to go back for them, but they wouldn’t hold them for long because they didn’t want anything to spoil. I’m sure she thought I was a complete moron. They’ve probably already put everything back.”
Cade reached for the keys she held in her other hand. “Okay, I’m going to go see about the groceries, and when I get back, we’ll have that talk. You’re right. It’s time. There are some things we need to get out in the open.”
She swallowed nervously, but then Cade leaned in, kissed her hard and then was gone in the next second.
C H A P T E R F I F T E E N
ELLE TOOK REFUGE IN THE bathroom as soon as Cade left. She stared at herself in the mirror and thought she looked scared and off balance.
She frowned. Damn but she was tired of being afraid. She wanted her life back but not in the sense that she wanted whatever she’d come from before. She wanted a normal life now. Right where she was. She wanted the reassurance of knowing who she was and that she had a place in this world. But she didn’t want that knowledge to change a single thing about her life now. She just wanted…peace. And to be able to offer Cade and Merrick something more than a helpless, dependent freak who didn’t even remember her past.
Her biggest fear was that when her memory came back it would destroy her present, which was laughable given she didn’t have a present.
She had nothing.
She was surrounded by people who gave her the hope of having this life, and yet she was living a farce. This wasn’t hers. But she wanted it to be. She wanted to go with Merrick to his title fight. Wanted to be there when he won and to join in the celebration. She wanted to have a role in Cade’s business, be instrumental in his work on a daily basis.
Was she asking too much? And was she not trying hard enough to remember her old life? Was she subconsciously sabotaging her efforts by suppressing her memories?
In the beginning, Cade and Merrick had wanted to launch their own investigation. Get with a few of their friends on the police force. Search missing persons records. Even put her picture on local news broadcasts then go wide on the Internet.
The mere thought had sent such irrational panic and fear through her that she still couldn’t bear to think of it. She didn’t know much about her past, but she knew that if she didn’t stay hidden,he would find her. And she didn’t even know who he was.
Stupid bitch. I’m going to kill you, but first I’m going to have what he’s been having.
The words popped into her head like they’d been read off a cue card. Only, the voice wasn’t hers. It was a man’s. It struck ice in her veins, and she knew without question she was remembering what had happened right before he raped her.
She leaned over and pressed her forehead to the counter, sucking in deep, steadying breaths.
What did it mean?
She shook her head, not wanting to remember. She wanted his voice out of her head. She never wanted to hear it again. Never wanted that prickle at her nape or the instant tightening in her belly. It was the closest she’d come to having any memory at all of her violation or the events after.
She didn’t want it to come back!
If she never remembered what had been forced upon her, it would be just fine with her. She didn’t need that part of her past. Forgetting was the kindest thing that could have happened to her even if she sacrificed her identity in the process.
“Elle, are you all right in there?”
Merrick’s voice through the door startled her, but at the same time, she was so relieved that she yanked open the bathroom door, and before he could say anything, she flew into his arms.
Her pulse was beating a rapid staccato, and her chest felt like it was going to explode. She clung to him, wrapped around him so tightly that he couldn’t have pried her away with a crowbar.
“Elle, what the hell is going on?” Merrick demanded as he tried to maneuver down the hallway toward the living room.
But she didn’t want him to move. She wanted him to stand right where he was so she could hold on. She buried her face in his chest and squeezed her eyes shut so the words would go away. So he would go away.
“Baby, you’re shaking like a leaf.”
She found herself lifted, hoisted in the air, and she made a grab for his neck, afraid that he’d let her go.
“Please,” she croaked. “Just hold me a minute.”
He took her into his bedroom across the hall and sat on the edge of the bed. “Of course I will. As long as you want. What’s scared you so bad, Elle? Talk to me.”
The urgency in his voice stirred her. She loosened her hold on his neck and then carefully eased away, but she wouldn’t meet his gaze.
She was cold. On the inside. Her fingers were numb. Even her lips felt cold.
“I heard him,” she said falteringly.
“Who did you hear?”
She closed her eyes and leaned forward until her forehead met his lips. “Him. The man who r-raped me. The one who tried to kill me.”
Merrick went completely stiff. He wrapped his arms around her, surrounding her and enveloping her in his embrace. She loved the sensation of being surrounded by him. Nothing could hurt her when he held her. He was invincible.
“What do you mean you heard him? Today? At the store? Did you see something that made you remember?”
She shook her head. “In the bathroom. I remembered…”
He hugged her to him for a long moment as if to allow her time to gather her composure. Then he gently pulled away so he could look into her eyes.
“What did you remember?” he asked in a low voice.
She sucked in a deep breath. “Just words. His voice. He s-said that I was a stupid bitch and he was going to kill me, but first he was going to have what he’s been having.”
Merrick frowned. “Is that all? Nothing else? Could you picture his face or his features?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head almost irrationally. No, she didn’t want to remember. She welcomed the blankness.
“I don’t even understand. The man said, ‘I’m going to have what he’s been having.’ But who was he talking about? Who is the he the man mentioned?”
Merrick touched her cheek until finally she opened her eyes and trained her gaze on him.
“Elle, baby,” he said in a t
ender voice. “He can’t hurt you anymore. Cade and I will protect you. He can’t hurt you.”
Tears swam in her eyes. “I don’t want to remember, Merrick. I don’t. I’m…happy…here. With you,” she blurted. “And Cade.”
He leaned down and carefully kissed away her tears. His lips were warm and electric on her face and skin. And oh so very tender.
“You do know that you aren’t going anywhere, don’t you?” he said as he drew away. “We aren’t going to toss you out. We aren’t going to get tired of you. We aren’t going to do anything at all but take care of you and protect and cherish you.”
“B-both of you?”
She hated the hope his words instilled, because what she was asking was impossible.
“How about we have this conversation when Cade returns,” Merrick said gently. “This is important to him—to us. To me. Some things just need to be said. Worked out. I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding over this.”
Slowly she nodded and then sagged into his chest. “I’m still afraid, and I hate it,” she whispered. “I hate being so damn helpless and powerless. I hate being a coward who doesn’t want to remember, who prefers a blank slate to remembering the person I was.”
He stroked his hand over her hair. “You went through a horrific ordeal. It’s only natural that you’re scared. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just know that Cade and I are here, and if you’re ever scared, all you have to do is come to one of us. As for the rest, it will come in time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you’re ready and able to hold up under whatever it is that’s hiding in your past, you’ll remember.”
His words bolstered her flagging spirit. They slid soul deep, offering her comfort in the darkest places of her mind and spirit.
She sighed and melted into his embrace, allowing his touch to warm and soothe her shattered senses.
In the distance, she heard Cade call that he needed help with the groceries, and she popped her head up.
She scrambled off Merrick’s lap but then hesitated, standing between his knees. Then she leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips.
