Jake stopped at the door of Room 112 and placed his trembling hand on the handle, begging for the courage to open it.
What if Henry throws me out?
What if I never see Josie again?
What if Chris attacks me again?
What would happen if I fought back?
If Henry throws me out, would Josie go with me or watch me walk away?
The “what ifs” were giving him a serious case of the ball sweats. In an effort to settle his emotions down, he shook his hands at his sides, but the tension just built. Jake looked up toward the ceiling, let out a few heavy exhales, and wiped his palms on his shorts. If he kept thinking about having to leave Josie, he would lose all his wants and needs, ending up an empty shell of nothing.
Leaving Mara to entertain herself in his room, Chris rounded the corner and stopped, observing the wreck in front of him. Jake had no idea he was there, infringing on his personal moment. It killed him to see his former best friend hurting so badly, then ire burned through him again, knowing what Jake had done to his sister.
After minutes of stress and anxiety filled jerks and twitches, Jake whispered, “Fuck it,” opening the door to the dreaded meeting room.
As I paced around the room, I really hoped Chris and Jake could work past their differences. When necessary, they worked well together and that had to continue.
I grabbed three chairs from the desks and put them in a semi-circle. I stepped back and looked at them, tweaked them repeatedly, then decided to get three different chairs because they just weren’t working. I put those in a semi-circle and tweaked them several times until I felt they were just right.
I leaned up against the desk, crossed my arms over my chest, and let out a heavy sigh.
The door handle jostled for a moment and stopped. I knew it had to be one of them, so I just waited it out, allowing them to come in at their own pace. An eternity passed before the door cracked open and Jake peered in.
“Come on in. Have a seat. You’re looking better, mate. How are you feeling?” He shrugged. I sensed the nervous energy radiating off him. Maybe it was the unmistakable tremor in his step. The next second, Chris came in. “Ah, perfect timing. Sit, please.”
Chris selected a chair, leaving one separating him and Jake. I sat between them. Leaning down and resting my elbows on my knees, I steepled my fingers in front of my mouth for a moment before I spoke.
“Here’s how this will work. Everyone gets a turn to talk. No one interrupts, and there will be no yelling. You will stay seated, and you’ll listen. In the end, you’ll either be friends or quietly avoid one another. Am I clear?”
“Yeah,” Jake said.
“You got it, boss.” Chris sounded less than enthused. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, kicked out his legs and crossed his ankles, staring down Jake.
I picked up the signal loud and clear, and put a stop to it. “Just to be clear… We will respect one another and not intimidate, no matter how angry we get.” I raised a brow at Chris, who rolled his eyes and sat up. I nodded and turned to face Jake. “All right, Jake. Give me your side.”
“Well, I’ve been struggling with some stuff for about ten years,” Jake mumbled.
He paused and the seconds ticked by, leaving me feeling like it was going to be a long talk. After removing his hat, he wiped away the sweat beading on his forehead. Chris sighed and re-crossed his arms in front of his chest. I glared at him, then looked at Jake.
“Would you care to fill me in?” I prodded, trying to be gentle. Admittedly, I wasn’t the most patient person to walk the earth.
Painstakingly, Jake went through every detail…the pregnancy, Nadia’s horrific death, his injuries. I felt for him, but I could also understand Chris’ anger.
“Is it safe to make the assumption Chris didn’t know about all the details until recently?” I asked.
“No one knew about the pregnancy except Nadia and me. When Josie and I started getting close, I needed to get it out. I talked to Josie about it and we agreed Chris deserved to know. So I talked to him and, well… You know what happened next.”
Chris leaned forward. “You pussy! You didn’t even fight back!”
“I didn’t fight back because I deserved it! It kills me that I’m such a motherfucking asshole. I hurt her! I killed her! And I walk around with that every fucking day of my life! I look at these scars and know it was because of my fuck up that she is dead. Karma. Do you get that?”
“It should have been you! That’s fucking Karma,” Chris growled. “My sister was innocent and didn’t deserve what happened to her!”
“I’m sorry. I’ve never been the same and you know that! I hid in my house, dropped out of school, never had another relationship…until now.”
“I fought for you at school. I defended you!”
“I know! I appreciate what you have done for me, and I feel guilty for you standing up for me.”
Jake’s emotions came crashing down. He was shaking, listening to Chris’ recounting of his life.
“It was all a lie! A motherfucking lie! My mother cried every day until she died.” Jake folded over and sobbed, feeling Chris’ words. Truthfully, it made me tear up, as well. “She would sit in the center of Nadia’s room and just bawl her eyes out. I would find her there in the middle of the night. Sometimes, she would even sleep in Nadia’s bed. No one was allowed in her room because my mom kept it as a shrine for her baby girl. Do you have any idea what that was like? To watch your once strong mother live her life full of despair and agony? I had to comfort her because my father was lost, as well. Who was there for me? No one. I had to deal with Nadia’s death all on my own, plus try to save your fucking ass, too.” Tears trickled from Chris’ eyes, down his cheeks. My gut knotted and heart ached. “That’s how it was for me. I had to be the adult, the survivor for everyone with help from no one!”
Jake sat straight up and stared at Chris. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I fucking get it? I know my actions hurt everyone, including my family and myself! Chris… I’m so fucking sorry.” Jake dropped his head in his hands and cried even more.
Christ… What a bloody mess.
“Maybe you should’ve kept your dick in your fucking pants, asshole.”
“I agree! I never slept with another girl…until Josie. I was too scared even to look at a girl because I was afraid I would kill her, too. Still am,” he whispered.
Completely gutted, exposed and destroyed, I knew exactly how Jake felt. Silence filled the room as Jake wiped his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Can I make a suggestion, Jake?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he croaked.
I placed a hand on his shoulder. “Forgive yourself.”
“I can’t. It’s not that easy.”
“He doesn’t deserve forgiveness from anyone,” Chris grumbled.
I glared at Chris, then refocused on Jake. “I understand that. I have a lot of guilt myself, not only because of my previous life, but because of my alcoholism…plus a few other things which are very private. The point is, I’ve had a difficult time letting go, but the little bits I have let go of made me feel better emotionally. It’s hard because I know how many people I have disappointed…including Elaina and my baby. Sometimes you have to forgive to move on, even if it’s just forgiving yourself.”
I turned to Chris. “It sounds to me like he’s punishing himself over this. Can’t you see that?”
“I guess,” Chris growled.
“I don’t foresee you two hugging it out anytime soon. This situation is still far too raw. Can we agree to stay away from one another? Josie, as well, until we can come to a resolution.”
Jake gasped and his eyes widened. “Me, too?”
“No, you moron,” Chris scoffed. “You can have your little fuck toy.”
Jake stood, ready to go to blows.
“For fuck’s sake,” I muttered.
“That’s not what she is!” he hollered at Chris, pointing his
finger.
Then Chris rose to his feet.
“Fuck me.” I shoved Jake back into his chair. “We will stay seated!” I roared, not feeling like breaking up a brawl. Chris slowly returned to his seat.
“I love her. She makes me feel good about myself. I have spent an entire decade hating myself, being self-conscious about my looks and deceiving people that I love. She’s not a fuck toy. She is my life!”
“Whatever, Jake. Do what you have to do to make yourself feel like a man. I just hope you don’t knock her up and kill her, too. Are we done here?”
Jake drew in a sharp breath.
“That was a low blow, mate,” I muttered. Chris’ gaze lowered. “You will stay away from Jake and Josie. Understand? I don’t want any of you together without a handshake and a truce. If I need you to work together, you will respect one another, work together as you have, and move on when it’s over. If you two fight again, I will have to hand out consequences. Am I clear?”
“Yeah,” Chris snapped.
Jake nodded.
“Off you go then.”
Chris jumped up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Jake sat in the chair for a moment, wiping away his lingering tears.
“You all right, mate?”
Gazing up at me, the familiar pain I saw in his eyes echoed in my heart. “I’ll never be all right, Henry. Never.”
“I feel you, mate. Come on. I’m sure Josie is waiting for you, pacing a trench in the floor.” Jake smirked. “I haven’t seen her so happy before. You really are bringing out her… How would you put it? Non-bitchy side?”
Jake laughed. “Yeah. She’s amazing. I feel like it’s how it’s supposed to be, you know?”
“I understand. That’s how it is with Elaina. That means she’s what you need.”
“Thanks for hearing me out and trying to sort out this mess I made.” Jake held out his hand and I shook it.
“No problem.” We both stood and I put the chairs back. “If you ever need to talk, you know how to get me. I understand guilt and the fear of letting things out.” I patted Jake on the shoulder as we left the room.
Chris stormed down the hall, whipped open the door to his room, and slammed it shut, startling Mara, Eden, and Farren. He paced the room and grumbled to himself. Mara nodded at the girls.
“Eden, let’s go see if James and Savannah want to play some cards,” Farren said.
“Yeah… Good idea.” They both dashed out of the room, leaving Chris alone with Mara.
Once the door closed behind them, she looked at him. “Go well?”
“It was wonderful,” he mumbled, leaning against the white board, dropping his head in his hand.
She placed her hands on Chris’ shoulders. “So now wouldn’t be a good time to offer a blowjob?”
Chris dropped his hand and glared at her. “Really?” Mara shrugged. “Do you have any idea what this situation is to me? How much my heart is broken?”
Pursing her lips, her eyes shifted from his. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to be…funny.”
“As much as I would love that, I’m not in the mood.”
“Can I at least hug you?”
He gave her a questionable glance. To Chris, it seemed as though Mara was trying to worm her way into his life. He wanted to refuse, but he had no one and did enjoy the time he spent with her. Besides, she was better than throwing a pity party of one. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, as he wrapped his arms around her body, nestling his face into her hair. “I’m sorry for your distress,” she whispered in his ear.
“Thanks. Means a lot.”
As Chris pulled away, Mara leaned in and brushed her lips across his. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I’m jaded, Mara. Truly bitter.”
As she ran her hand through his messy hair, she smiled. “You’re allowed.”
Gazing at Mara, he felt compelled to let her know a few things. Whether something would become of their relationship, he didn’t have a clue, but with all the truth coming out lately, she should know. “You have a beautiful smile. I’m not sure what will become of us, but I want you to know I’ve appreciated your shoulder this past week…and your pussy…and your lips. Amazing.” He tucked her hair behind her ears.
“It’s been my pleasure.”
He nodded. “Don’t I know that.” While running his hand through his hair, he sighed. “I’m going to get water or something. These are the days I could use a beer.”
“Okay. I’ll be around.” Mara stepped away and watched Chris head out of the room. She smiled to herself, feeling a growing connection with him. “Such a weird twist of fate. Never thought I could actually feel something,” she murmured before heading out herself.
Josie paced the floor, waiting for Jake to come back. When he opened the door, she leapt at him. He let out a sigh of relief, but judging by the shaking in his grip, he had some unresolved tension. He needed a little time to himself to air it out.
“What happened?” Josie pried.
“Henry let me speak my peace, Chris freaked on me and, as of right now, we’re to stay away from one another. You are to stay away from him, as well. He said if we fight, he would have to hand out consequences…whatever that means.”
“Are you okay with not being able to interact with him?”
“Well, he hates me right now, so…” His jaw trembled while valiantly fighting his emotions. Already embarrassed enough, he didn’t want to fall apart in front of Josie again.
“I’m sorry, Jake.”
“Nothing you did,” he mumbled into her neck.
“I encouraged you to speak to him about it.”
“Well, I had to tell him at some point.”
She reached up to his face. “You want to go for a walk or something? Maybe a little sex? Get rid of some of your stress?”
“You know, that sounds amazing, but I need a little time to myself to work out a few things up here.” Jake pointed to his head.
Josie was a little alarmed as she stepped away from him. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No. I just need to sort out my thoughts…lay down for a while.” He touched her cheek and headed toward the bed.
“Jake?” she questioned with trepidation.
“It’s fine, Jos. Please, just give me some time to myself. I’ve spent most of my life alone, dealing with everything on my own. I’m not used to this ‘us’ thing yet. Just…” He rubbed his face and eyes as his voice trailed off.
“I’ll leave you alone then.” She headed for the door.
“Josie…”
“What?!”
“Look at me.” She turned around, eyes welling with tears. “Thank you, and just so we’re clear… I love you.”
“Then why are you pushing me away?”
“I’m not. Ugh… Fuck me.” He rubbed his face again.
“It feels that way, Jake. It really does.”
The tears and the shake in Josie’s voice told him she was hurt. He wanted to make her pain go away, but he had no clue how. “That’s not my intention. You have to understand. I’ve never had a relationship before, and I just need some time to work through things. I’m only asking for a couple hours. My brain is fried.”
Josie walked over to the desk and grabbed the guitar. “I’ll be in the cafeteria when you’re ready to see me again.”
“Josie… Please. I’m sorry if I’m not explaining it right. Don’t be upset with me.”
“I’m fine. You need some space, so I’m giving you space.”
With a sinking feeling in her heart, she hastily left. Jake was depressed, and she wanted to be there for him. Moreover, with all the issues rising from the past, she worried he was rethinking their relationship. Josie decided to stop and get Kate for more guitar lessons to keep her mind off things.
Jake lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. He contemplated everything that had happened over the week. One positive thing was feeling
so much closer to Josie. His heart warmed thinking about her. The sex was unreal. He never knew it could feel that way. He always read when you loved someone, it was so much more than a physical feeling and he had hoped to discover that someday, which was exactly how he felt—connected and loved. When they were together as one, they were linked in mind, body, and soul.
The twenty-six year friendship with Chris was over. It hurt at a deep level, but he felt deserving of everything Chris threw at him. He swallowed hard and choked back the lump, letting out a loud exhale before cursing at himself.
Josie thought he was pushing her away, but that was not his intention at all. He decided to stop thinking and just enjoy the time with Josie. She made him open up and feel things he never felt before. Things he purposely blocked out of his life because he didn’t feel he deserved them.
Good god, he loved her for what she did for him.
He hopped out of bed and headed to the cafeteria. Stopping in the doorway, Jake watched Josie teaching Kate how to play the guitar. He smiled over the patience she exhibited.
How was it possible I fell in love so fast?
Why hadn’t I really noticed her before?
Because he was too busy avoiding life and wallowing in his own misery, trying to look like the hard-shelled asshole with a “fuck off” vibe. He shook his head and went inside.
Josie glanced over her shoulder at Jake when he sat at the table near them. “All right, Miss Kate. Work on the chords I just showed you. I need to talk to Mr. Jake for a second.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Sticking the tip of her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, Kate picked away at the strings.
“Hey,” Jake said with a soft smile as Josie approached.
“Hey.”
He stood, took Josie’s hands and pulled her aside, wrapping his arms around her. It was a warm and comfortable place to be. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I just needed a minute to decompress.”
“I understand. I was too reactive and paranoid. I apologize.”
Jake furrowed his eyebrows. “Why would you be paranoid?”
Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four) Page 18
