“I’m so fucking lost. I appreciate everything she has done for Grey and me, but I haven’t been able to immerse myself into those emotions for her yet. They’re there, but I just can’t.”
“Do you realize she’s in love with you?”
His eyes widened. “She is?”
“Yes. Very much so.”
“She has never told me that before. She tells Grey, which I can understand. I tell her kids I love them all the time…”
“I know you still love Quinn.”
He swallowed and looked down again, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Elaina took his hand again, rubbing her thumb over the back in attempt to comfort him.
His lips trembled. “I can’t help it. Every time I look at Grey…” He stopped and took a breath. “I see her and what we had. He looks just like her. And he’s so kind, much like her.” He let go of her hand to wipe the tears off his cheeks. “It makes my chest ache, but I just can’t let go,” he said hoarsely. “Not yet.”
“Gunther, no one said you had to let her go. You can still love her and love what you shared, but if you want a relationship with Cora, you have to make room in your heart for her.”
“I’m not certain I can do that yet. I’m not ready. I don’t want to dive in, then have to end it.”
“Do you care about her at all?”
“God, yes. She’s an amazing woman. She was pivotal in bringing me out of my grim state.”
“Just not enough to take it a step further?” He shrugged. “It’s obvious you have feelings for Cora. The way you look at her, care about her and the kids… You may not realize it, but you two fit together. She may not be Quinn, but she is just as perfect.”
“I just can’t…”
“Gunther, you can. Do you want a relationship with her and to raise this baby together?”
He thought for a long moment, deeply searching inside himself for the answer. “I’m not ready, Elaina. I can’t believe I allowed this to happen. I’m such a fucking prat.” His face screwed up into a silent cry. She scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m scared, Elaina. I’m so fucking scared.”
His admission stunned her. “What are you so afraid of?”
“Love. I opened myself up one fucking time and it was stolen from me in the most devastating way. I’m so afraid to feel it again just to watch it disappear right in front of my eyes. The hardest thing I have ever been through was watching Quinn and my unborn die in my arms, and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do to fix it,” he sobbed. “When I close my eyes, it’s all I see. Her body covered in blood, gasping for air, trying to reach for me… Her eyes pleading, then fixing on the sky… Knowing it’s my fault they died… There are still times I wake up in the middle of the night and reach for her.”
Elaina held him tighter. She hadn’t realized he was still struggling so much. “Why didn’t you come to me about this? I would have tried to help.”
“I know you would. I’m sorry. I should have. After Henry talked to me before I moved in with Cora, I tried. I tried to be more available emotionally for Grey, and I really tried with Cora. But I kept stepping back. I don’t want to lose another love because I won’t be able to handle it. It would be the death of me.”
“Well, you really had me fooled. I thought you were happy.”
He shrugged and looked up at Elaina. “I act happy and together for my son. He deserves all the happiness in the world and I want to give him that, but I’m failing him. Inside, I’m one touch away from shattering into a million tainted pieces. How can I raise another child if I feel like this?”
The despondency in his emerald eyes pierced through her heart, a lump rising in her throat. She swallowed it back. “Let’s start with this. You are not failing Grey. Look at how happy he is. You’re an amazing father and will do well by this next one, too.” She stared at him for a moment while he tried to collect himself. “Listen, I can see how painful this is for you now. Hear me when I say you don’t have to let go of Quinn. You just have to make room for Cora. Wouldn’t Quinn would want you to be happy and enjoy your life? Wouldn’t she would want you to move on? You know she’d want to punch you in the balls for acting like this.”
Gunther chuckled through his tears. “Yeah. You’re right about that.”
“You really have to deal with this and stop pushing it away. You have another baby coming. Cora doesn’t think you want this baby at all. She needs you.”
“I know,” he whispered. “But I can’t. I can’t love anyone just yet. I need to keep those feelings tucked away.”
“Is that why you declined Henry’s offer to come with us?”
“Yeah. I can’t. My child…”
Elaina thought for a moment. “Why not ask Cora to come to New York? We can provide a home for all of you until you can get a place for you and her. Or just a place for Cora.”
“I don’t know if she will. She hasn’t been exactly pleased with me as of late.”
“Do you want to go with us?”
“Yeah, actually, I do. We’re a family and I don’t want to be separated from you.”
“Then ask her. You can buy her a home near wherever you settle so you can raise your baby together and have friends close by.”
“Maybe she’ll like that idea.” He stood and paced, obviously fretting over something more. “Elaina, I do have something else. Something only Quinn knew about.”
“What?”
“Shit.” He scrubbed his face, then threw his arms down at his side. “While I was there, I got a woman pregnant. God, I’m such a fucking arse. How will it work? I don’t even know if Carly and my child are alive.”
Elaina’s jaw sagged open, closed, open again. “Well… I think you need to find out. You can talk to the sergeant and see if there’s a list of survivors.”
“I’m not looking forward to this conversation with Cora, but I should probably get it over with.”
“Yep. When I left her, she was crying.”
“Thanks… I think,” he mumbled, walking to the door.
“Any time,” Elaina whispered.
When Gunther pushed through the door, blowing past me and stalking off, I was a little confused.
“All is well?” I asked upon entering the tent.
Elaina sighed. “No. Broken hearts all around.”
“Excellent. That’s exactly what we need,” I muttered.
“Don’t say anything to anyone, but Cora’s pregnant. That’s why he refused your offer to come with us.”
“Wow… I don’t know what to say.”
“Has he ever mentioned he knocked up someone in New York, as well?”
Eyes wide, I said, “Uhh, no. Christ…”
“I know. It’s catching up to him.”
“You can say that again,” I mumbled. “That recruit on the ship had to be his. It was like looking right at him. Freaked me out a bit.”
Elaina nodded. “Yeah, I know. Well, he’s off to chat with Cora now.”
I let out a sigh and shook my head. “You look exhausted. Let’s get you back to bed.”
“Potty break first.”
I held out my arm so she could wrap hers around it. “I will escort you wherever you need to go, m’lady.”
“Why, thank you, kind sir,” she said with a smile.
“As always, my pleasure.”
When Gunther peeked into the tent, he saw Cora weeping on her cot. He really wanted to run in the other direction, but it was time to be a man. Silently, he slipped in, sat across from her, rested his elbows on his knees, and held his face in his hands. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he was going to break her heart more than he already had, worried she wouldn’t want to go to New York because of that.
When he heard Cora move, he looked up. She was hugging her knees into her chest. “Cora…” He gulped. “Shit. I’m really sorry.” Her hands shook as they wiped the tears off her cheeks. “I should never have let this happen when I wasn’t ready. This is all on me. None of this
is your fault. You’ve been amazing to us.”
“So now what?” she whispered.
“I don’t know. I’ll still help with the kids, just like I have been. And when our little one comes, I will be there one hundred percent. That’s my promise to you. It is my responsibility, and I won’t let you go through it alone. If you want me to be, I’ll even be there for the birth.”
She rocked on the cot. He wanted to reach for her, but he knew she would push him away.
“I’m dying on the inside,” she whispered.
“Cora…” He felt horrible to see her in so much anguish. “I’m so sorry.” He stood, then knelt in front of her.
“Just leave me be. I’m sorry I fell for such an insufferable asshole. If you would allow yourself, we could have something.”
He felt he deserved her angry words. “I know and I’m sorry. I’m just not ready and don’t know when I will be.”
“Don’t expect me to be waiting when you finally make a decision.”
“I understand and don’t expect you to be. I do want to ask you something, though.”
“What could you possibly need?” she hissed.
“I want to go to New York with Henry.”
“You’re going to leave Grey with me so you can fuck your way up the eastern seaboard?”
“No! Christ!” he yelled. “For the record, you and Quinn have been the only two I’ve been with these past couple years.”
“So sorry,” she muttered.
“Cora, please listen.” She looked up at Gunther. “I want you to come with us. If my bank account was untouched, I have enough money to live off for the rest of my life and then some. I will buy a home for you and the kids. I will live elsewhere if it pleases you. You don’t have anywhere to go here.”
“I will find a way to make money and stay in the provided housing. I’m not living off your dirty money.”
“Regardless of what you think, I care about my child and I’m not leaving his or her side. If you stay, I will stay. Or we all go to New York. Either way, you’re stuck with me. You decide. I need to go check on something.” He stood and strode off.
“Whatever, asshole,” she mumbled into her knees.
All she wanted from Gunther was for him to admit he had some feelings for her because she knew that was the case. If he had done so, she would have felt a little hope. Instead, the sobbing began again.
Gunther pulled back the flap to Sergeant Cane’s tent. He was sitting at his desk, staring intently at his monitor.
“Do you have a minute?”
The sergeant looked up. “Sure. What do you need, Mr. Erikkson?”
“Is there a survivor list for New York?”
“Yes, but it may not be absolutely accurate.” Gunther stepped into the tent and up to the desk, the sergeant motioning to a metal chair. “Have a seat. Whom are you looking for?”
As he lowered himself into the chair, he cleared his throat, feeling like a vice tightened around it. The spat he just had with Cora heavily weighed on his mind, but he had to know if Carly and his child were alive.
“Her name is Carly. Carly Reede.”
“Is that her full name?”
“Uhh… To be honest, I have no idea.”
The sergeant clicked the mouse a few times, then typed on the keyboard. Leaning in, he ran his finger down the screen, then stopped. “Carly Reede…,” he murmured.
“You have one there?”
“I do.”
Gunther leaned forward, gripping the edge of the desk. “Is there anyone else with her?”
The sergeant’s eyes moved to Gunther’s while he still had his finger pointed at the screen. “I assume you know this person?”
“Yeah. An ex. Is there anyone else with her?” he asked impatiently.
“Should I be looking for an Erikkson?” Sergeant Cane replied with a lifted brow.
“Maybe.”
He typed again and pursed his lips. “Not finding anything. No other Reedes and no Erikksons.”
“Right. Okay.” Gunther pressed his palms to his thighs and pushed himself to his feet. “Thank you.”
“Mr. Erikkson, if you’re looking for a child, they may not be registered, especially if they were born after census. This also doesn’t guarantee the listed person is alive today.”
“Understood. Thank you.”
“Will you and your son be traveling with Mr. Daniels and his family?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“I need to know ASAP.”
“Right. Thanks again.” Gunther lightly rapped on the desk with his knuckles and left the tent.
As he headed back, a completely new set of worries disabled him.
What if, because of my actions, Carly lost the baby. What if the baby was…?
Shaking his head, he couldn’t think about it. He couldn’t handle knowing he may have been responsible for yet another one of his child’s deaths.
Chapter 25
It had been a few days since Gunther had come to terms with Cora being pregnant. He spent most of his time quietly playing with Grey away from everyone. It worried me a bit, watching him withdraw. I would hate to have to confront him again.
Just as I lay down, Elaina clutched her belly and moaned. I glanced over and her face was twisted in pain. Hopping up, I grabbed her hand.
“Your dinner not settle? Or is it time?”
“I think it’s time,” she growled. “Oh shit. This is bad, Henry. Very bad.”
“Okay.” I looked down the tent and waved at Cora, who quickly ran down to us. “I think she’s in labor.”
Then it hit me and I staggered back.
I am about to be a father.
“You okay?” Cora asked me as she helped Elaina stand.
“Yeah, yeah. Just a little…nervous,” I whispered.
Elaina belted out a loud groan and her knees buckled. “Henry, snap out of it. I need you to help me walk her to the medics.”
I hooked my arm under Elaina’s and helped stabilize her. “All right, love.” I took a deep breath. “One step at a time.”
We made it outside the tent before she had another contraction, turning to me and moaning into my chest. “Henry, if it’s this bad now…,” she whimpered.
“I’m sorry, love. I would take away the pain if I could.”
Cora ran ahead of us to alert the medics, but it took us another ten minutes to get there. I ended up picking her up and carrying her the last twenty paces.
The medics were waiting at the door. “How far apart are they?” one asked.
“Just a few minutes,” I said, helping Elaina lay on a cot.
Cora rested a hand on both our shoulders. “I’m going to go back to my kids. I’ll come back and check in.”
“Okay. Thanks for your help,” I breathed out, watching Elaina’s face scrunch up as another contraction hit.
Cora smiled and patted Elaina on the belly. “You’ll do great, sweetie. Just remember your breathing and positioning.” Elaina nodded, and Cora jogged out of the tent.
My mum rushed in a second later. “I just passed Cora. She said we’re having a baby tonight!”
“Definitely looks that way.” I was so worried, my hands were shaking.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered with a smile. I nodded and stepped back when the flurry of activity started. Three medics started stripping Elaina’s clothes off, then hooked her up to machines.
“Henry… Hold my hand.” Elaina reached for me. Tears were streaming from her eyes and her blotchy red face alarmed me.
“Whatever you need me to do, you tell me.”
“Just be here for me,” she said, grimacing.
“That I am, love. Always.” I kissed her forehead, then watched the lines and numbers on the monitors…which meant nothing to me.
After several hours, the moon had started to set. Elaina was trying to be a trooper, but she was exhausted. She screamed a few times, surely announcing to the entire camp we were about to have a baby. She
kept saying she was certain the pain was going to kill her. I straddled the cot, sitting behind her for support.
“Tell me when you feel like you have to push, okay?” The medic talked to Elaina from the end of the cot.
“Yes!” she yelled. “Ugh!” I stroked her hair and rubbed her belly as it contracted.
My mum held one of her hands, murmuring reassuring words. She was past the point of thrilled to be witnessing her grandchild being born.
“You’re doing great, love,” I whispered in her ear. “You are amazing. Breathe.”
“Shut the fuck up, Henry, before I deck you!” My mum and I chuckled. “I think I have to push,” she moaned.
“Next contraction, take a deep breath and focus it. Give me everything you’ve got.”
She screamed as the contraction wracked her body. It killed me seeing her in so much pain.
Listening to the soft, tender voice of my mother, Elaina followed her encouragement and pushed, pushed, pushed some more.
After what felt like a couple hours, she cried, “I’m so tired.” I wrapped my arms around her as she sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore.”
I wiped her face down. “Yes, you can, love. You are doing brilliantly. You can do this. You are so strong and amazing. I hope our baby is the same.” She took a deep breath and let it out, then leaned forward. “That’s my girl. Come on, love. Push hard.” I kissed her on the top of her head as the next contraction stormed through her body.
“Push, Elaina, push!” the medic shouted. “That’s it! Come on. More! Give me one more push like that!” She screamed as she pushed out the head. “Stop!” the medic shouted, then glanced up at me. “You want to watch?” Elaina was screaming in agony. I felt torn leaving her to watch our baby being born.
“Go, son. You need to see this.”
I hopped off the cot, my mum taking over for me.
“All right. Give me one last push. Make it big,” the medic encouraged.
She bore down and out came a screaming baby.
“It’s a boy!” we yelled in unison. Elaina fell back on the cot and sobbed.
Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four) Page 23
