My mind whirled with this new information. Lois and I had never met in person in the ten years I’ve known her, but she was like a sister to me, truly. Her parents were out of the picture, having disowned her when she had gotten pregnant and married a man of color. He lived in Europe now and didn’t always send back child support regularly, and I worried what would happen to her if she did lose her job. From what I understood, it barely provided enough for them to get by. I couldn’t believe I was so wrapped up in my own self that I didn’t know how she was feeling about the city and her tenuous situation at work. A seed of an idea formed in my brain, and then sprouted. I thought of my mom, alone in that big house, with three spare bedrooms.
“So Lois,” I said, leaning closer to the laptop. “It sounds like you want to make some changes too, especially if you lose your job. Ever consider moving?”
“Where?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at me. I grinned wide and raised my eyebrows a few times suggestively. If Mom wouldn’t welcome the company—which I was sure she would—then we could always convert my gaming room into a space for Lois and Elsa. It would be cramped in the cottage with a child, but all we had to do was open up the back door and she’d have all the room she could want to run and play in.
“Well, we do have plenty of lightning bugs,” I said.
Thursday melted into Friday, and I had another Skype video call with Jonathan after work. He seemed calmer, more focused, but something was still a little off. He was probably anxious, waiting on me to figure out my own heart. Hell, I was anxious waiting on me to figure it out. I kept waiting for some kind of signal to whack me upside the head and tell me what to do. Barring that, I was going to have to plow along with my life and wait for my heart to quietly reveal itself. I dismissed that drafted email as a flight of fancy during a lonely moment and decided not to send it, at least until I knew for sure that was how I really felt.
The cupcakes I baked after my Skype call were still a bit warm when I dropped them off at the dessert table at the jam session. A lot of folks nodded at me, or smiled, and asked about my mom; the predictable, everyday type of conversations. But what I didn’t expect was the keen interest from the good citizens of Green Valley in my gentleman visitor from last week. I should have known I was wading into shark-infested waters, and the town gossips could smell blood. I made it out and back home relatively unscathed, with a few comments on how nice it was to finally see me with a man, and how much Mom would love a grandchild before I was too old to have them. I couldn't decide which irked me more, being written off as a spinster or this new and overeager interest in my theoretical love life.
The weekend dawned bright and sunny, full of the glory of autumn in the Great Smoky Mountains. Days like this were why I’d agreed to host the gathering here in the first place. The trees were like various shades of fire, and the wind blew softly but cool and crisp. I couldn’t stay inside and game all day like I would on a typical weekend. It was too nice outside, and a walk across town to Mom’s sounded perfect. After breakfast, I tossed on a Doctor Who T-shirt, a light hoodie, and faded jeans, then pulled my backpack from the closet and loaded up a few games. I laced up my running shoes and stifled a yawn, resisting the teeny part of me that longed to climb inside some cozy yoga pants and take a seat in my comfy gaming chair at the computer. As I was leaving my cottage, I caught a glance at my reflection in the mirror by the front door and realized I should go to Knoxville and visit some plus-size clothing stores. I couldn’t keep wearing my old, worn out college clothes, and frumpy, oversized business casual wasn’t going to cut it anymore either. I resolved to do that before going back to work on Monday.
My mind cleared in the fresh autumn air, thoughts of Jonathan bubbled up. I shook my head, almost like a wet dog, and instead thought about Lois and her situation. The Green Valley job market wasn’t exactly booming, but she could probably find something in the region. And it’s not like I would charge her rent on a house that was already paid for, thanks to what was left to me by my grandparents, were she to move in with me. I was sure Mom would feel the same about her house.
This morning, mom and I would hopefully have a nice, long talk about it, and about my situation with Jonathan. I had a therapy appointment next week in light of what I had gone through at the sheriff’s office, but there was something special about my mother. She always had this way of putting things into perspective for me. Her neighborhood crept up on me faster than I though. I checked my watch and realized I made some good time. Go me!
Chapter 23
Jonathan
“I looked down into the cavern and all I saw was chaos. I wasn’t going in without backup.”
― Wrath
I awoke with a start when Olivia heaved opened my door, crossed to the window, and pulled back the curtains, letting in an instant headache-inducing amount of brightness. She then flung the window open and set about picking up discarded clothing and heaping them into a laundry basket she carried.
“Ugh, what time is it?” I asked, my mouth dry and tasting like a used gym sock probably would.
“It’s 3:00 p.m. On Sunday, in case you were wondering about that too.” She sounded cross as she made her way around the room, loading up the basket, then setting it down to pick up discarded cans of Red Bull.
“I wasn’t, but thanks,” I replied, feeling almost more tired than when I fell asleep sometime around 4:00 a.m.
I had been formally welcomed onto the senior council of officers in the guild and had celebrated by raiding, talking, and gaming into the wee hours. The only problem was that we still didn’t have a female officer with Max stepping back, so we decided late last night to split the tactics and member-at-large positions. That would allow me to focus on strategy and they could recruit a woman to take the newly created post. Everyone missed Max, but they got why she wanted to step away from the game for a time.
“That surprises me. You’ve been in this cave since after work on Friday. There’s a smell emanating from this room. And have you even eaten anything lately, or just lived off the sugar in these?” She held up a can in an accusatory fashion.
“Hey, I had food,” I replied, sitting up in bed and yawning wide. Shit, I’d missed my morning pills. Again. I was supposed to take them around the same time every morning, but my pill schedule was becoming erratic.
Olivia held up an empty package that once contained turkey jerky. “This,” she proclaimed, “is not food. When Mom or I go to the trouble to cook a meal, the least you can do is drag your tail down the hallway, in some clean clothes, and sit at the table to eat it. You just have to show up and plunk yourself in a chair. How hard is that? You know you need to be careful, Jonathan.”
“Olivia, please don’t start with me, not when I’ve just woken up.”
“And that’s another thing! Why are you—”
“Olivia!” I interrupted her. “Do you think you’re helping the situation right now by getting in my face over it? I know, I screwed up. I let my routine go. I’ll be more careful, okay? I’ll hop in the shower and then put on my own laundry. You’re not my maid.”
“Well, you’re damn right about that,” she said with a soft smile and affection in her voice. “I worry, you know. You’ve been different since you got home.” She put the laundry basket down on my chair and sat down on the bed next to me. “Is there anything you need to talk about? I’m always here. And that reminds me, when is your next appointment with Tom?”
I thought for a minute before eventually grabbing my cell off the bedside table and checking my schedule. “It’s next Thursday,” I replied, knowing what would happen next. The pursed lips.
Olivia let out a puff of air, then turned to me, pursing her lips like they’ve never been pursed before. “I think that’s too far away. You should call in the morning and try to get in tomorrow. Whatever work you have to do isn’t as important as your mental health,” she said, sounding so sensible and yet so irritating.
Everything was irritating me, from the sun
light, to the mess that was my room, to Olivia preaching to me. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe in and out for relaxation like I’d been taught, but it wasn’t helping the low-level hum buzzing through my brain.
“Liv, I love you, but I think I need you to go before I say something I don’t want to,” I managed, noticing my hands shaking.
She must have noticed too. “I’ll leave you alone after I watch you eat a sandwich.”
I flopped back down on my bed. “Fine. Sandwich, shower, garbage, laundry. In that order. Will that make you happy?” I snapped at her.
“Yes,” she replied simply, then rose and headed out my door, calling back to me, “And don’t you dare fall back asleep!”
The sandwich and the shower did chirk me up, and I conceded that Olivia was right to pull me from the chaotic squalor my room had descended into. I picked up Red Bull cans and dirty socks, then vacuumed the room. That hum of energy was still buzzing through me, like ants were crawling under my skin. I needed to run, despite the heat. I had the presence of mind to grab a water bottle and my earbuds for my cell so I could turn up my music and drown out my brain, which was whirling, whirling. Max was still on my mind—of course she was—and I needed to burn off some of my frustration.
I laced on my bedraggled running shoes and headed out into the humidity. I stretched for a minute, then ran like hell for Norman’s house.
Norman handed me a can of Coke, took a beer for himself, and we sat down in his air-conditioned living room. Unlike me, Norman lived alone, his mother having passed about five years ago. He never knew his father. The trailer looked like it did when she still lived here; in other words, it was neat as a pin. No stray beer cans, no sink heaped with dishes. I thought the discipline Norman learned in the military had a lot to do with that since he’d been a total slob before. Or maybe he didn’t want to dishonor his mother’s memory by trashing her house. I lifted my can of Coke to the back of my neck for a moment and closed my eyes, relishing in the coolness after the humidity outside.
“Not that I don’t appreciate this unexpected visit, but what’s up? You looked like you ran as if hellhounds were at your heels. It’s boiling out there today. Why didn’t you drive?” he asked, opening his beer and taking a long drink.
“I had to work off some of this energy,” I replied, popping the tab on my can and drinking half of it in one long gulp.
“Energy?” Norman asked, sounding confused. “I hate to break it to you, but you look like something I hauled out of the swamp. I bet you a twenty you could lie down right now and be comatose until morning.”
Well, maybe he wasn’t wrong. I didn’t know how I felt, exactly, other than unsettled.
“Drink up, there’s more where that came from. And whenever you’re ready, I’ll drive you home. I’d say just crash here, but you’ve got to go back for your pills, right?”
My pills. Damn. I tried to remember the last day I’d taken my morning meds. Thursday? It was Sunday, right? Which made me also wonder, when was the last time I had talked to Max?
As I was reaching for my phone, Norman asked, “So, have you talked to Max lately? I haven’t seen her online, and I was getting a bit concerned.”
“About?” I asked, putting my Coke down on the coffee table and turning toward Norman, the phone in my hand.
“Her, man. I saw some of the posts on the general forums. It hasn’t all been a lovefest for Maximus_Damage. She’s been called names like bitch, slut, ugly, and even asked when she was going to get her surgery so she’d really be a guy. All kinds of stuff that was various shades of offensive, unnecessary, and dickish.”
“Is dickish even a word?” I muttered as I fumbled furiously with the phone, unlocking it and searching for new texts or emails from her. There was one, stamped yesterday late afternoon that I hadn’t read. “I should have been keeping an eye out for that kind of behavior, but since our guildies were keeping in line, I assumed that people in general were being cool. I haven't checked the game's general forums since Wednesday’s raid. There’s an email from her. I better read it.”
“You do that,” he said, getting up and crossing over the trailer to his fridge. “I’m going to throw together some sandwiches for us. You look like you could use the fuel.”
I batted away the wayward thought that it was strange how everyone kept wanting me to eat sandwiches, and clicked on Max’s name in my app.
* * *
From: Max Peters
To: Jonathan Owen
Subject: An Epic Day, Part Deux
* * *
Jonathan:
I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to Skype or connect, but hopefully you’ll get this before bed, and I’ll hear back from you. Today was amazing! Another giant leap for Max-kind. I set up a pull-and-hold order for my comics at the gaming shop in town, so I’ll have a reason to visit without feeling like a fool. And they are ordering in a manga version of my favorite anime movie, Wolf Children. Have you seen it? I also played a fun game of Ticket to Ride with some teens who were finishing up their game of Magic. And what do you know, they play League of Magecraft! We talked about the game, and I didn’t feel too much like the frumpy old outsider.
Before the gaming shop I walked to my mom’s place, where she and I had a long talk about my best friend, Lois, from New York. You may remember her from Guilds of the Ages, she played as Peily way back in the day. Anyway, she’s up against it with money, work, and general life dissatisfaction. We put our heads together and agreed that if she wanted to, Lois and her daughter, Elsa, could move in with Mom. It’s a big house with one woman living in it, who happens to love kids. Mom has a huge yard, and if Elsa wants to play in the woods, she can always come to my side of town and play where we did. I really hope Lois decides to bring Elsa here and relocate permanently to Green Valley.
Tomorrow, I’m road-tripping to the malls in Knoxville to update my wardrobe. I’m always nervous about spending money unless it’s on something I’m passionate about, and while I’m not very passionate about clothes shopping, I am about looking both my age and having things that fit properly. So I’ll be running around again tomorrow, and likely won’t be online, but please write back when you get this so I know everything is cool with us. I miss you.
* * *
Hugs,
Max
* * *
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. She wrote this email to check up on me, to see if she and I were still simpatico. And I screwed up by not even bothering to check my emails. I opened my texting app and messaged her.
Me: Max! I just got your email. I’m sorry, I hope you weren’t worried. Everything’s fine with us, as far as I’m concerned.
I got up and started pacing as I waited for her to text me back. She might still be on the road and not have gotten it, or … PING!
Max: Hey, stranger! Don’t sweat it. I had a stitch ’n bitch fest with Lois and a fresh box of wine last night, and today was busy, busy. I’m home now with a small mountain of clothing and nary a single piece of corduroy in sight.
Me: That sounds most excellent. I hope you had fun!
Max: I did. How are you?
There it was. She said she wanted honesty between us. But I didn’t know how to answer that question without worrying her, and I had enough people who fussed over me. And still, despite everything, I didn’t want to look weak in front of her.
Me: I’m great. I’m at Deathdrop’s place, and we’re talking about our work schedule for the coming week. So, busy too. Hey, I gotta run. We’re about to have dinner.
I could feel my pants on fire.
Max: Okay, enjoy! xo
Then I remembered what Norman had said about the treatment she was getting on the forums. Goddammit. Did she know what was being said? If she didn’t, should I bring it up? But if she did and I didn’t mention it, that would make me an even bigger ass, wouldn’t it? I considered it for a moment, and then typed out another message.
Me
: Hold up! I know you’ve been getting blowback on the general forums. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve any of it.
Max: I was wondering if you’d seen it. Thank you. Just insecure people who would rather tear someone they don’t know down than cope with whatever is making them uncomfortable in their own lives, I think. Well, that and a pervading culture of toxic masculinity. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ve got a thick skin. They aren’t keeping me from the game. I am, for now. I’ve liked how it’s felt, being out and about. But I won’t leave Magecraft forever. Ttyl?
Me: Sure.
I tossed my phone onto the coffee table and felt oddly dejected, like maybe Max didn’t need me in her life anymore. I mean, was I even relevant without League of Magecraft to bind us through common interest?
I was living on coffee, energy drinks, and mood stabilizers—when I remembered to take them—with the odd snack here and there, the days and nights blurring together. Olivia was swamped at work and didn’t press me about calling Tom, so I didn’t. I was gaming into the early mornings some nights, and others I would pace around, go for a run, or pass out right after dinner and sleep until Norman woke me for work. I could feel myself slipping, and I didn’t know what to do.
What I did know was that I missed Maxine like crazy. The ache was how I imagined a phantom limb would feel, like she was supposed to be here and a part of me, but she was cut off. I couldn’t touch her, hold her, taste her. I would lie in bed at night and try to sleep, taunted by thoughts of her lying next to me, whispering secrets in the dark and talking about a future where we built a life and even a family together.
Dewey Belong Together Page 19
