by Marty Klein
Fortunately, laws regulating sexting have already been changed in over a dozen states, often dramatically reducing the negative consequences of teen sexting and giving prosecutors some discretion. But even these states still fail to distinguish between consensual sexting and deliberate attempts to harm and humiliate. They still criminalize private, consensual sexting between teens, which is unfortunate—and focuses blame on the sexting rather than violations of consent.
Those who say we need draconian laws to discourage kids from sexting need a reality check—they simply don’t work. Both science and everyday experience tell us that the Abstinence Model (“just say no, because we say so”) does not work with teens. Demanding that they stop sexting hasn’t prevented them from sexting, and it won’t. Do you remember the laws of the ’60s and ’70s that made felons of pot smokers? They didn’t reduce pot smoking, they just destroyed tens of thousands of lives. Many of those people still languish in jail.18
So what should parents do?
Just like you don’t want the first sex talk you have with your kids to be about pornography, you also don’t want it to be about sexting. So put this book down and go talk with each of your kids about sexuality. Any aspect of it. Make the subject the newest part of the family’s ongoing vocabulary. You can return to the topic of sexting soon after.
So what do you say to kids about sexting?
Start by asking questions. What are kids around school doing with their devices? Have them show you their phone and their latest apps. Are they using Kik Messenger (texting for free, with no record)? Instagram (enables public photos and private chat)? Tumblr? Vine (homemade six-second video clips—maybe of you)? Because they live on their phones, you want their mobile activity acknowledged and discussed as part of the family’s life.
And then the complex part begins: the larger, long-term conversation about gender, consent, and the power of sexuality in young peoples’ lives. Because without this context, your conversation about sexting will soon come down to “don’t do it, it’s dangerous.” And they’ll say OK, and that will be the end of the conversation. Net influence on your kid: close to zero. The Abstinence Model doesn’t work with sex, and it won’t work with sexting.
The common advice parents get about sexting is to persuade kids about its dangers: how it supposedly invites predators into their lives, how it can ruin their reputation, how college reps or potential employers will see the images, how you can’t control what happens to the pictures once you hit “send”—because the Internet, unlike love, is forever.19
The predator part is extremely rare, and the rest of it contains some truth—but that’s only part of the story. And to an adolescent, it isn’t the most interesting part of the story. Because for teens, sexting is part of an intricate dance of courtship, peer pressure, popularity measurement, and expressions of passion, autonomy, body ownership, intimacy, competitiveness, and impulsivity.
What do you tell your son who wants to collect as many nude selfies as his buddies? What do you tell your daughter who wants to prove she loves her boyfriend? What do you tell your teen who calls a classmate a slut or a player? “Just say no” doesn’t work—and doesn’t prepare them for the complicated situations they’re in or soon will be.
And what about the ethics of consent—why not pass along a nude selfie of someone when it will get you prestige with your pals? And besides, didn’t she ask for it by taking and sending the picture? That’s when you talk about consent, about ownership, and about violating someone’s privacy or trust. Teens are capable of moral reasoning at a higher level than “Don’t do it because I’ll kill you” or “Don’t do it because you could get in a lot of trouble.” Talking about how you want your teen to see other human beings is what this is mostly about. Talking about how sexuality is the coin of the realm in adolescence is the rest of what it’s about. If you don’t talk about these, you can’t talk about sexting effectively.
So here are some topics that form the context for teen sexting. Yes, any reasonable parent would have trouble discussing these with their teen—and yet if you want to influence your kids’ sexting behavior, this is what you need to talk about:
The excitement of being desired
The excitement of being attractive, and fear that you’re not
How to express yourself erotically without genital involvement; how to express yourself sexually without intercourse
Sexual pleasure
The fact that masturbation is OK
What to do if you’re in love and you feel pressured
What to do if you’re in love and can’t decide what to do
What to do if you’re dying to see what girls look like nude
What to do if you’re looking at adult porn and feeling troubled
Why being respectful to others is a good way to live
“Let’s face it, some boys (or girls) think you’re hot”
Under what circumstances would someone like you sext?
Most parents don’t like to have their kids’ sexuality pushed in their face. And yet in the 21st century, that’s pretty much where it is. That’s our problem as parents, not theirs as kids.
Discovering a nude selfie on your kid’s phone can be extremely upsetting. Online safety websites contradict each other with their advice on this, from “destroy the pictures” to “save the pictures,” from “contact the school” to “contact the authorities” to “contact other parents.”
If you’re suddenly in this situation, the specific circumstances matter greatly. They may involve state or federal laws, possible “Romeo and Juliet” exemptions, various levels of mandatory reporting requirements, and possible formal investigations.20 Naively trying to do the right thing can still get you or your child in a lot of trouble; there’s serious tension between deleting potential evidence in a criminal case and preserving evidence that can be, itself, illegal. Even contacting another parent may have unintended consequences for you or your child.
Given the culturally radioactive response to teen nudity and sexuality, any institution you deal with (school, law enforcement, child protective services, etc.) regarding actual sexting will care much more about protecting its own bureaucratic butt than anything else (such as your family’s welfare). Thus, the only reasonable thing to do if you find nude selfies on your child’s phone is to contact an experienced lawyer immediately, and to take the phone out of circulation.
By all means, tell your child that if he or she receives a nude selfie, regardless of who it’s from,
S/he should tell you immediately; and
S/he must not forward it to anyone else. Really.
And then you and your child need to have a series of talks about the issue—what s/he thinks has happened, how s/he feels, what s/he needs now.
America’s problem isn’t sexting—it’s how we raise kids, marginalize sexuality, teach boys to disrespect girls, teach girls to use sex to attract boys, and then hesitate to talk with them about the results. We then have very few tools left—and they’re basically all nuclear weapons. And so in America, we destroy teens’ lives in order to save them.
Chapter Six
COUPLES’ CONFLICTS ABOUT PORN—INNOVATIVE APPROACHES
Marco looks at porn. His wife Lila knows this and hates it. In fact, she has withdrawn from him sexually because of her resentment—or, as she puts it, because of “his porn-whores.”
Travis looks at porn. His wife Mona accuses him of infidelity. She says he needs to “choose” between her and “your other girlfriends.”
James looks at porn. His girlfriend Petra says she knows he thinks about beautiful young porn actresses while they have sex, and that now she feels self-conscious about undressing in front of him or having sex with the lights on.
Sam looks at porn. He wants his wife Yuko to do oral, to let him ejaculate in her mouth, and then dribble it down her chin. She’s willing to do oral, but he thrusts too deeply. She’s not wild about him ejaculating in her mouth. She certainly doesn’t
want jiz on her chin, or anywhere else. So they don’t do oral.
Aaron looks at porn. He and his wife Esther have sex only three or four times a year. He watches porn. She doesn’t. She’s resentful that he has an almost-daily sex life and she doesn’t.
Jason looks at porn. He’s lost interest in LaKayla sexually. He looks forward to masturbating with porn in the mornings, when she leaves for work before he does.
As a therapist, it’s difficult to sit through these porn-related cases week after week. The level of shame, guilt, anger, and suffering people go through is heartbreaking. I believe a lot of the suffering is completely unnecessary, which in some ways makes this work even harder.
This is a difficult chapter to write for the same reason: the level of pain and unnecessary suffering I need to address.
* * *
There are two fundamental arguments couples have about porn:
“Watching porn is not OK.” “Yes it is.”
“Watching porn leads to consequences that are not OK: a) for you; b) for me; c) for our couple; d) for our kids.” “Maybe when other guys watch, but not me.”
Across America, the conversation has shifted substantially from argument #1 to argument #2. And so when couples are in conflict about porn, the non-consumer who 40 years ago used to say, “I don’t want you watching porn because I think it’s garbage, it’s wrong, and it’s bad,” now more typically says, “I don’t want you watching porn because it has results I don’t want—and you shouldn’t, either.”
* * *
When I train therapists to deal with this subject, I say, “How would you handle the cases involving porn if you dealt with them the same way you deal with every other couples conflict? Or to put it a different way, if you handle couples differently when the subject is porn, why?”
Many therapists find these questions disturbing. And if therapists are treating conflicts about porn differently than they treat other cases, it should. Because it’s treating porn conflicts differently than other marital conflicts that sucks a couple into trouble in the first place. If therapists duplicate that mistake in their treatment there’s a limit to how helpful they can be.
* * *
When couples argue about whether someone did or didn’t do something wrong by watching porn, I have to ask about the couple’s contract. Did the porn consumer break an agreement he made to not watch porn? Does the non-consumer have the right to invoke an agreement that she thinks should exist, but the couple didn’t create? Does the non-consumer have the right to demand an agreement covering future behavior?
When people say “let’s live together” or “let’s get married,” they generally don’t discuss enough of the details. Maybe they know they’ll have a dog, or that they definitely won’t have a dog. Maybe they’ve discussed whether and how many kids they’ll have (although a shocking number of couples don’t, and then spend years in heartbreaking conflict about it).
Couples usually (though not always) tell each other that they expect monogamy—but they rarely discuss what this includes. Ex-boyfriend via Facebook? Masturbating with a stranger in a chatroom? Skype sex with someone you pay? Sending (or receiving) a topless photo? A massage with a happy ending?
Pornography is part of that vague undiscussed arena. OK to watch? OK to watch and masturbate? OK to pay someone who strips or masturbates on a webcam? OK to watch and masturbate an hour before or after we have sex? Do romance novels count as porn? What about “erotica” like Fifty Shades of Grey?
* * *
Many women are troubled about their mate watching porn. They variously insist it means:
He doesn’t love me
He doesn’t care about my feelings
He wishes he were with someone else
He’s going to have an affair, or is having an affair (or watching porn is an affair)
Of course, it’s fairly easy to check on these very upsetting assumptions. Unfortunately, many women don’t. Some don’t bother because they won’t believe the answers they get. Understandably, their mates feel angry that they’re being told how they feel without their input. This contributes to the distance both partners soon feel. And the assumptions remain in place, hurting both of them.
With a consistently negative narrative, the PornPanic encourages women to believe things about their partner’s porn use like:
It’s about me personally
It causes our problems, and is therefore (1) my business, and (2) irresponsible behavior
I know what my partner thinks/feels about porn, and I know how it affects him
I know I’m not desirable enough to compete with porn images
These interpretations make his porn-watching her business. She decides she has the moral high ground from which to dictate what his problem is, the fact that he must get it fixed, and what the treatment needs to be.
In addition, her narrative, supported by today’s anti-porn, Public Danger culture, is:
Interest in porn is not normal
Use of porn is selfish
I have a right to ban it from our life and my home
Like pouring gasoline on a destructive fire, today’s PornPanic delegitimizes men’s interest in porn, and legitimizes women’s pain about their partner’s porn use, no matter how unreasonable her feelings are. That’s how moral panics work—like the satanic abuse scare of the 1980s, in which adults believed things that couldn’t possibly have happened, sending innocent people to jail and destroying the lives of thousands of children. The therapy profession, unfortunately, is mostly under the same PornPanic spell as the general public.
SOLVING THE PROBLEM TOO SOON? SOLVING THE WRONG PROBLEM?
“I want you to stop watching porn” is a solution to a problem.
The question is, what is the problem that this solution is designed to address?
Some people do think that porn, or watching porn, is disgusting or wrong. If so, “less porn” definitely sounds like the solution. In couples, this can set up a confrontation of needs: B wants A watching less porn (frequently no porn), while A likes to watch porn (and doesn’t like being told what to do). What will they do? Couples rarely approach this situation as a collaborative team, so things usually degenerate into emotional pushing and shoving. I often see these power struggles in my office—either when he refuses to stop watching, or when he agrees to stop watching, and then gets caught watching. Again.
(Memo to besieged men—do not promise to stop watching porn unless you’re 100 percent certain that you will. Not 99 percent; 100 percent. Can’t be that sure? Then don’t promise. If necessary, quarrel instead—in the long run, that’s better.)
So if she wants distance from porn and he wants it in his life, how are they going to reconcile this? I now deal with this situation every week. It’s interesting just how much of a sense of entitlement these aggrieved wives and girlfriends have—as if porn is somehow different than anything else they’d quarrel over as equals.
I don’t tell couples that porn is good, and I don’t even say watching it is OK. But I do ask what kind of relationship they want—one in which people make demands and tell each other how it’s going to be, or a more collaborative arrangement in which two people work together to resolve their difficulties.
That said, “I want you to stop watching porn” can be an imagined solution to specific (though unspoken) grievances:
I’m upset that we don’t have sex anymore (or hardly ever)
I don’t feel desired
I don’t like my body
I’m afraid you don’t like my body
I’m afraid you’re having an affair or might have an affair
I’m uncomfortable with our kids’ budding sexuality
I feel out of control of my life or our marriage
I don’t want you having sexual pleasure without me
I’m afraid you might start looking at our kids’ friends in a creepy way
If someone is struggling with any of these feelings, she (or he) deserves to be hear
d and comforted and should have their feelings addressed.
However, someone demanding that her (or his) mate stop watching porn may or may not even be aware of these feelings, as they can be very uncomfortable. A good marital citizen is committed to understanding his or her feelings so they can advocate for what they actually need, rather than settle for quarrelling that can’t get them what they need.
So when someone says they want their partner to stop watching porn, I ask if they have a specific complaint about how their partner treats them (for example, calling them the wrong name during sex, or continually teasing them about the size of their breasts). If they do, I suggest we discuss the complaint without assuming we know the cause; while it might be related to porn, it might not be.
Whether a behavior under discussion is about sex or not, starting the discussion by arguing over a solution is a mistake—negotiating solutions is the last step a couple should take, not the first. If your complaint is phrased as, “I hate the way you’re always telling me my butt is too big, so I want you to stop watching porn,” you and your mate will predictably argue about porn, and the issue of you feeling disrespected and pushed away will get lost—along with any sympathy he may have about you feeling hurt.
So how does this work in real life?
She complains he’s a porn addict. He says he’s not. She says anyone who watches that much must be addicted. He says he’s not. She says, “I want you to get treatment for your porn addiction”; she may threaten consequences such as humiliation or even divorce if he refuses. He doesn’t want to get treated for something he doesn’t consider a problem. She says, “If you won’t address my anguish it just proves that porn is more important to you than I am; in fact, since you say you love me but won’t stop, you must be addicted.”
He feels cornered, and like anyone who feels cornered about anything, he fights back, maybe gets nasty, and certainly isn’t cooperative. And he definitely doesn’t address the pain she must be in if she’s making statements and demands like these.
