“Damn it, I’m not bailing. Will you just—” Sloane tried to reach out to him, but Dex pushed him away.
“You’re fucking leaving! If that’s not bailing, then what the hell is it?”
“I killed my mother!” Sloane snapped. “Your parents’ murder was fucked-up, but it was carried out by criminals. My father killed himself because of me, because of what I became, because of what I did. I killed my mother, Dex. Do you have any idea the kind of guilt I carry, knowing she died by my claws? It’s a stain on my soul. One I’ll carry for the rest of my life. If your mother had said something, my parents might still be alive.”
“I’m sorry about your mom. You know I am. I understand what you’re saying. What I don’t understand is what it has to do with us. Why you’re leaving me because of something I had no control over, something none of us had any control over.”
“Except for your mom.” Sloane threw some clothes into his bag, along with his toiletry bag from the bathroom.
“We don’t know that. We’re going on the words of a fucking maniac! If she did have a choice, don’t you think she would have done something?”
“I’m just asking for some time.”
Dex threw his hands up. “And then what, Sloane? Face me and tell me the next time you look at me you won’t keep wondering ‘what-if?”
Sloane couldn’t look at him. If he did, he might not have the courage to leave, and he had to. For both their sakes. For their future. “That won’t happen.”
“Really? Because I’m losing count of your broken promises.”
That stung. “Now hold on a second—”
“No. I’m done.” The blazing anger and heartache in Dex’s blue eyes hurt, but the damage had been done. Dex gave a sniff and shook his head. “I’m not going to ask you to stay. I won’t beg you to be with me. Go do whatever it is you gotta do, but one of these days, the pieces you leave behind will be so broken I won’t be able to put them back together, and when that happens, I can’t promise you I’ll be here when you get back.”
Sloane swallowed hard. If that happened, Sloane would have no one to blame but himself. There’d be nothing left of him. He deserved whatever hell he found himself in. Dex was right about everything, but it didn’t change how torn up inside Sloane was.
Despite his anger and heartache, Sloane worried about Dex. “Please, be safe out there.”
“I can take care of myself. I was doing it way before you came along.”
Sloane flinched at Dex’s icy tone. “But it’s different now. You know that.”
“Yeah, well, not much I can do about it, huh? My mate’s fucking off and leaving me.”
“That’s not fair,” Sloane growled.
“You’re walking away, leaving me with your mark burning me down to my bones, and then you tell me to be safe out there? Just go.”
“Don’t be like that.”
Dex’s eyebrows shot up. “Did you just say don’t be like that?”
Sloane held his hands up. “Sorry.”
“No, you’re not fucking sorry. Don’t be like that? You have no fucking idea what you do to me when you walk out that door! No fucking clue.”
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” Jesus, he was just digging himself into a deeper hole.
Dex sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hand. “Just go before one of us says something we’ll regret.”
Sloane did as asked. He snatched his bag off the bed and hurried downstairs, slamming the door on the way out. His Impala was parked across the street, giving him a perfect view of the house and Dex standing upstairs at the bedroom window, because Sloane wasn’t feeling shitty enough. He popped the trunk, threw his bag in, then slammed it shut before he got in his car and burned rubber driving away. Was what he was asking so unreasonable? It was a lot to take in. Was he just supposed to accept it and move on? He turned on the radio, forgetting it was tuned into that fucking Retro Radio. He turned it off, spewing every curse word he knew. At the red light, he sat there trying to calm down.
Dex had never been that pissed at him. He was always so understanding. Had Sloane taken that for granted? Had he expected Dex to smile and agree? To swallow down his own pain and hurt, all for Sloane? Is that what he wanted?
“Fuck! Motherfucking son of a bitch!” Sloane slammed his hand against the steering wheel several times before a car horn bellowed at him to move his ass. He hit the accelerator, his tires screeching in protest as he took off. His heart was killing him, and his vision was blurred. What the fuck had he just done?
Ten minutes later, he stood outside Ash’s apartment door feeling like a complete and utter disaster. He should have called Ash and explained what was going on rather than just show up, but his drive had only resulted in him growing more frustrated. Yet whatever his thoughts told him, his heart berated him, telling him he’d fucked up royally. He’d done what he’d promised Dex he wouldn’t do. Break his heart. Again. They were supposed to be able to get through these things together, but how could they? Sloane was at a loss.
The door opened, and his best friend appeared, his expression going from surprise to concern.
“What happened?”
“I might have messed up, Ash.”
Ash stepped aside, allowing Sloane into the apartment. “How bad?”
Sloane ran his fingers through his hair. “As in ‘can I sleep on your couch for a few nights’ bad.”
“Shit.” Ash closed the door and walked with him into the living room. Sloane cursed under his breath when Cael waved at him from the couch where he was curled up with a fluffy blanket. Of course Cael would be here.
“Hi, Sloane,” Cael greeted cheerfully.
“I’m sorry. I’m interrupting.”
Sloane made to turn when Ash caught his arm.
“Don’t be an ass. Give me your jacket.”
Sloane handed over his jacket. This was a bad idea.
When Ash returned, he dropped down onto the couch beside Cael, giving his hair a playful tug and chuckling at Cael’s poke before he settled against Ash. It was odd seeing him so at ease in his relationship.
“Sweetheart, Sloane’s gonna be crashing here for a few nights.”
Cael studied Sloane, his head cocked to one side, the worry written all over his boyish face. “What happened? Is everything okay with Dex?”
“No,” Sloane said with a sigh. This was going to be so much worse than he thought. Cael was just as protective of his brother as Dex was about him. Maybe Sloane was overreacting. Maybe Cael might understand where Sloane was coming from and could talk to Dex.
Sloane took a deep breath and told them everything that had happened with Shultzon, leaving nothing out, including his argument with Dex. Ash opened his mouth to reply, but Cael beat him to it.
“So you walked out on him? You accused his mom of walking away, and then you turned around and did the same?”
“Cael, it’s not the same. You don’t understand the history here. Everything Ash and I went through. My parents, this whole First Gen anomaly thing…. It’s complicated.”
Cael jumped to his feet, his anger coming off him in waves. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s complicated! It’s not, Sloane. Do you have any idea how this must all be killing him? Finding out about his parents, about what Shultzon did? It sounds like Gina was trying to help, and she was killed for it. How could you walk out on him?”
“I didn’t walk out,” Sloane insisted. Was he really so surprised that Cael would take his brother’s side in this? “I told him I needed some space, some time to think.”
“Away from him. You promised him you would both work through things together, and then you tell him you’re leaving him.”
“I can’t sort this all out around him. My God, Cael. He looks just like her. When I look at him, I think of the day I met her at the CDC Registration Office. I think about how she could have said something to my parents and said nothing!”
“Have you thought that maybe she couldn’t? Jesu
s, Sloane, they killed her! If she was gathering evidence, secretly investigating, don’t you think she knew the kind of people she was dealing with? Have you considered that Shultzon might be lying? Picking and choosing which truths to feed you?”
“Sweetheart, come here,” Ash said gently.
Cael shook his head. He grabbed his shoes off the floor before hurriedly putting them on. “I need to be with Dex. He shouldn’t be alone.” He gazed at Sloane, his gray eyes filled with hurt. “I’m disappointed in you, Sloane. He’s always been there for you, always. He’s risked his life, his reputation, his career, his future for you, and now, when he needs you the most, when he’s asked you for nothing more than to have faith in him, you bailed.”
“Cael—”
“If you weren’t ready to be serious about the two of you, you shouldn’t have marked him.”
The words were like a slap to the face, especially since the same thought had shamefully crossed his mind. He’d been so sure…. No. He was sure.
Cael turned, gave Ash a quick kiss, then stormed off. He snatched his jacket from the hook by the door and left, slamming the door behind him. Wow. So it was possible to feel worse than he’d been feeling before. Peachy.
“I’m sorry, Ash. The last thing I wanted was to mess things up for you.”
“You haven’t,” Ash assured him. “It’s not me he’s pissed at. I gotta say, bro, you managed to piss off both brothers. That takes skill.”
“Why can’t they understand? Everything we went through? What if it could have been avoided? What if she could have done something?”
Ash frowned at him and shook his head. “Are you really going to risk everything you have, everything you’ve worked so hard for, for something that could have been?”
“The facility—”
“Is where I met you.”
Sloane swallowed hard. He hadn’t thought about that. “Yeah, it is.”
“It’s where we became brothers. Where we decided to become THIRDS agents so shit like that wouldn’t happen to anyone else. So assholes like Shultzon would pay for their crimes.” Ash sat forward, his hands clasped between his knees and his intense amber eyes moving from the floor to Sloane. “What happened was fucked, and yeah, I wish it had never happened, but that got me on this path. It brought me to you, Cael, our family. I wouldn’t change that for anything.”
“What about my parents? My mom? You know what I did.”
“I’ll tell you the same thing you told me about Arlo. You were just a kid. It wasn’t your fault. After a lifetime of carrying that guilt, I finally let it go, because you were right. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t fucked-up. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss him every day or wish he was here, but I know now that I can’t change what happened, and what happened wasn’t my fault. Just like what happened with your mom wasn’t your fault. You were a terrified little kid. Who the hell knows what would have happened if Gina Daley had said something. Maybe it would have saved your mom. Maybe the universe would have found some other way to fuck us both over. My point is, are you going to make Dex pay for the fucked-up shit that happened in your past?”
“I’m not trying to make him pay for anything, Ash. I just don’t know how to move past this mess with his mom.”
“Everything that’s happened has brought you two together. I might not believe in any of that fate shit, but you two are good together. Without you he’s like a fucking excitable puppy, pissing all over the carpet because he can’t help it, and without him, your head takes you to dark places, and you wallow there, letting it consume you. How many times did I have to drag you out of your shadows, kicking and screaming?”
Sloane swallowed hard. “Too many,” he admitted quietly.
“With Dex, you’re like the guy you were always meant to be before any of that fucked-up shit happened to us. This here, you how you are now, without the fucking running, is who you were meant to be, Sloane, and a lot of that is down to Dex.”
Sloane didn’t know what to say. What could he say? Ash was right. Sloane remembered what his days had been like after Gabe died. He’d been spiraling deeper into his anguish, letting it consume him.
“You said that this with Dex was it. A future together, a family. Is that really what you want?”
Sloane didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“You love him?”
“You know I do.”
“Is that enough?” Ash held his gaze. “How much does he mean to you? What are you willing to give, Sloane?”
Sloane took a moment to think about what Ash was saying. It wasn’t enough for him to love Dex. It wouldn’t sustain them, wouldn’t get them through the tough times, not if Sloane kept reverting to his old ways. He’d believed everything would right itself after he confessed his love to Dex, but now was when the real work started, when their love would be tested. When he would be tested. Dex would never falter. Sloane knew that much. After everything they’d been through, Dex remained true to his heart and his love for Sloane. He fearlessly charged ahead, confident in them. He had faith in them. In Sloane.
“He told me one of these days, he might not be there when I get back.”
Ash pursed his lips in thought. “Well, then I guess you better stop fucking up.”
“Really? That’s your answer? Thanks, pal. I appreciate the support.”
“What do you want me to say? He’s right, man. How many times do you think he’s just gonna stand there and let you crush him? If I’d been Daley, I would have sent your ass packing months ago.”
Sloane stared at him. Not what he’d expected, but okay.
“Don’t look at me like that. You fucking marked him, Sloane. You offered him a link to your fucking soul. It wasn’t just your word or a promise that you’d be there for him. You fucking offered him everything you are, and what did he give you? His life, man. Daley’s marked for life. He’s told you that you’re all he wants for the rest of his life, and you pissed on it. You were there at the bar that night, right? Both nights? Every time he walks out the door, he knows what he’s risking, and he’s doing it for you.”
“I—”
“I love you. You’re like a brother to me, but sometimes I just wanna kick your ass.” Ash got to his feet and headed for the stairs that led to his bedroom. “I’ll grab you some pillows and blankets. Think about what you stand to lose for something that was out of his control. We’ve wasted enough time living in the past. Don’t waste any more.”
Sloane sat forward, elbows on his knees as he dropped his head onto his hands. Ash was right. Of course he was right. Everyone was right except Sloane. Had he really needed time to think about things, or was that just another one of his pathetic excuses so he wouldn’t have to face his insecurities again? Every time he thought he’d conquered his fears, he was made painfully aware of how laughably wrong he was. Sloane’s insides twisted when he thought of Dex, of his beautiful smile, of the love he had in his heart for Sloane.
“Here.” Ash tossed some blankets and pillows onto the couch. He was about to turn away when he let out a sigh. Instead, he took a seat on the coffee table facing Sloane. “You need to ask yourself why you’re sabotaging your relationship.”
Sloane frowned. “You think I’m doing this on purpose? I love him, Ash. More than anything.”
“I don’t doubt that. But it’s pretty obvious a pattern is emerging here, Sloane. Everything was going smooth. You told him you loved him, suggested you move in with him, marked him, and you’ve been genuinely happy for the first time in your life, and then out of the blue, bam, you do something to royally fuck things up. You take one step forward only to take five steps back. Each time you do it, it’s worse than the last. Why? The second you’re comfortable and really happy, you do something to push him away and hurt him. What are you scared of? The other night you were talking about kids, for fuck’s sake, and now this.”
Sloane opened his mouth to argue, then closed it. He had nothing. Was he really sabotaging his own relationship? “Do you really thin
k that’s what I’m doing?”
Ash didn’t reply, but his expression said it all. If the shoe fits. Fuck. It was worse than he thought. “Thanks,” Sloane murmured, taking one of the pillows. “Thanks for letting me stay too.”
“No problem. And I say this in the most loving way possible. Work out your shit and go home to your boyfriend.”
Sloane nodded. He set up his makeshift bed on Ash’s couch and lay down. He doubted he’d be getting any sleep. After tossing and turning, he grabbed his phone. Tapping the screen brought it out of sleep mode. A selfie Dex had taken with him greeted him. They were squished together, Dex kissing Sloane on the cheek, Sloane laughing. Ash had teased him about the picture, telling him he was turning into a teenage girl. Sloane hadn’t cared. He loved the impromptu photograph. Loved the sweetness of it. Sloane had been happy.
Sloane lost count of how many times he almost called or texted Dex that night. Instead he turned off his phone and tried to sleep. Tomorrow he could lose himself in work.
Chapter 8
SLOANE HADN’T slept a wink the night before, and when he got to work, he was surprised by the looks he got from his fellow Therian agents. A few wouldn’t meet his gaze, while others shook their heads at him. What the hell was going on? Heading for Ash’s office, he opened his mouth to say something when Letty glared at him, purposefully bumping into him as she swept by.
“What the hell is up with everyone? What did I do?” Sloane asked, walking into the office.
Ash typed away at his desk’s interface. “What’s going on is that Daley showed up to work this morning looking like shit and without your scent all over him. We can sense shit, Sloane. Everyone likes Dex. You marked him, and now you’re not with him. They’re wondering if you were just fucking with him and now abandoning him.”
“What? Since when is my relationship everyone’s business? And what about what I feel? That doesn’t matter?”
Smoke & Mirrors Page 17
