“As I’ll ever be.”
She started to pull herself to her feet but Harry kept hold of her hand, stopping her from going anywhere. “Listen, Quinn, I don’t… Maybe I shouldn’t even be saying this; shouldn’t even be putting this idea in your head, but… I honestly believe you’re in some kind of denial here, kiddo, and until you say it out loud, I don’t think you’re ever gonna realize just how dangerous that could become.”
“Harry…”
“You need him – Aaron. You need him, you’ve always needed him and I am begging you, Quinn, don’t push him away. Don’t do that, because if you do, this is gonna destroy you all over again.”
“I’ve got no intention of pushing Aaron away. I love him, Jesus, he’s my whole world and I…” She looked at Harry, and he began to wonder if saying what he’d just said – had he made things worse? “I can handle Lukas, OK?” She wrenched her arm free of his grip, but what Harry had just said – his words were slowly sinking in. Everything he was saying, he was right. She was in some kind of denial. So if any of this was going to work she was going to have to find the kind of strength she’d never had to find before to fight every demon inside of her. She’d taken this role to see if she was strong enough to face him, to carry on without him, and she could still do that. Despite what had happened last night, she could still prove to herself that Lukas Drake was a part of her past she didn’t need anymore. If she could make this movie, and still feel like that by the end of it, then she could do this. Last night was nothing but a blip, a bump she was over now. That initial first meeting she’d been dreading, it was done. Over. She could move on now and just concentrate on making this movie. Alongside her husband. “I hear you, Harry, OK? I hear what you’re saying.”
He looked at her, right into her eyes, and what he saw there, it gave him hope. “I just don’t want to see you hurt again, Quinn, that’s all. What you went through… I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“I won’t be.” She smiled and leaned in to quickly kiss his cheek. “I love you, Harry.”
“Yeah. Right back at ya, kiddo.”
He let her go, waiting until she was back inside the trailer before he stood up and headed down the steps, out on to the studio lot.
“Hey, Harry. Is Quinn in there?”
Harry looked up as Lukas approached. No longer the cocky kid he’d once been, this second chance Hollywood had given him meant he was back to being movie star royalty. But Harry was never going to treat him with anything other than an element of wariness. Because of Quinn? What other reason did he have?
“Don’t do anything stupid, Lukas. Please. Keep it professional; give her a chance to play this her way because she needs to know – she needs to know if she can survive without you, so please, just be careful.”
“I can’t do that, Harry.”
Harry breathed in deep. He wasn’t going to let his frustration get the better of him. “Listen to me, OK? I’m one of the few people on this planet who knows what she really went through, because of you, and I… Did you ever love her, Lukas? I mean, really love her? The way she loved you? Did you cry yourself to sleep at night because everything was so fucked up? Did you work yourself into the ground just so you could have an almost permanent distraction from something – someone that was killing you? You’d call her at two in the morning, from Christ knows where, and she came running. You needed her, in some fucking hotel room in the middle of the night and I – I made sure she got to you because she loved you, so fucking much. And all she wanted to do was help you, although, God knows I did everything in my power to try and stop her from doing that because you were slowly killing her, did you know that? Were you ever really aware of that? I was a part of that twisted relationship, Lukas, and some of the shit I did, because she needed my help to try and help you – that’s not something I’m proud of. But I did it, I did everything, for her. For Quinn. Never for you. And yes, I spent almost every day for ten fucking years telling her to walk away because what it did to her…” Harry looked away for a second, pushing a hand through his hair. “Did you love her, Lukas?”
“I would’ve killed for her.”
Harry’s eyes locked with Lukas’s. “Then don’t do anything stupid. Keep it professional. Keep a distance. Let her and Aaron get on with their lives because he is good for her. He saved her, from all the crap you put her through. She loves him. And no matter what she says, she is gonna find it hard enough to cope with you all working together without you getting inside her head, filling it with shit that doesn’t matter, so I am begging you, Lukas, don’t do anything stupid. Make this easy for her. If you really do love her then make it easy for her. She walked away, she got herself a life and she lived it, without you, and that needs to be the life she goes back to. I didn’t want her to do this movie, because I didn’t want her anywhere near you again but she’s stubborn, and for some reason I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fathom she still feels like she’s got something to prove to herself; that she can live her life without you invading every single fucking thing she does, so let her win. Let her win this fight.”
Lukas dropped his gaze, his hands in his pockets, an uneasy silence falling between the two men. “What you did for us, Harry…” He looked back up, his eyes once more meeting the other man’s.
“You don’t know the fucking half of it. She deserved so much better than you.”
“I know.”
“Then let her win, Lukas. For Christ’s sake, please, just let her win.”
***
Lukas watched Harry walk away before heading straight into the wardrobe trailer. Harry Franks loved Quinn like a daughter, he’d never made any secret about that, and Lukas knew the reason why Quinn had forged such a close relationship with her agent. It was completely understandable, given the circumstances. She needed that father figure, that close attachment to someone. And Lukas understood why Harry was so keen to protect her, it all made sense. But Harry had no idea what was going on inside his head, or Quinn’s. He would never understand what they’d had together, what they’d shared. The things they’d done, they were beautiful and special and crazy, but Lukas had lived on those memories for long enough. He wanted to make new ones, with the woman he’d never forgotten; the woman he regretted losing every day of his life. Which was why he was making this movie. Why he’d hoped it would bring him and Quinn closer again. And her signing on to take the female lead, that hadn’t been something he’d expected, he’d just hoped. And prayed. But in his eyes, the fact she’d agreed to do this, that was a sign he just couldn’t ignore. Fate, it was working its magic here. So, keeping Quinn at arm’s length – he wasn’t sure that was an option anymore.
Closing the door behind him he walked into the trailer, spotting Quinn as she chatted happily to one of the costume designers, her laugh ringing out, rising up above everything. A beautiful sound. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a pony tail, her face sporting only minimal make-up, and Lukas knew right there and then that what he’d silently wondered just a second ago, it really wasn’t an option anymore. Keeping her at arm’s length was going to be impossible.
“Hey, Lukas!” Sharon, the costume designer Quinn was talking to, shot a wide smile in his direction, that lifelong crush she’d had on him – even when he’d been at his lowest point – showing no signs of abating. “Something I can do for you? I thought Yolanda had sorted everything your end.”
“She has. She has, everything’s fine, I was looking for Quinn, that’s all.” His eyes suddenly locked with Quinn’s, but her expression gave nothing away. “I need a quick word. Just a brief chat, about the script.”
“OK, well, I can take a break, if you like? Or would you rather…?”
“No, we’ll be fine here,” Quinn said, her voice just as stoic as her expression. “You go grab a coffee, Sharon. I’m sure that whatever Lukas needs me for, it won’t take long. Give us half an hour, OK? Then I’ll need you back here, to help me get ready for the press call.”
Sharon left them to it, closing the trailer door behind her. Quinn crossed her arms against herself, an almost defensive action, her expression impassive as she stared at Lukas.
“I thought my script meeting was with Eddie and Malcolm this afternoon?”
“It is…”
“So, what do you want?”
“I just… Are you OK?” he asked, keeping his distance, despite the overwhelming urge to touch her.
“Shouldn’t I be?”
“Quinn…”
“I’m fine, Lukas. But you shouldn’t be here. If Harry…”
“Harry isn’t your bodyguard, Quinn.”
“What if I don’t want you here?”
“Then I’ll leave.”
Their gaze remained locked, and Lukas felt a shiver tear right through him, followed by a wave of sadness so strong it almost knocked him off his feet. All that time he’d wasted, when he could have been with her. But instead he’d acted like an idiot; a first-rate prick. Which meant that, ultimately, he’d all but given her to Aaron Rogers. He’d handed her to him on a fucking plate because he hadn’t been able to control himself.
“Do you want me to leave, Quinn?” She didn’t answer him, so he moved a little closer, not missing the fact she’d taken a small step back from him. And that in itself killed him. There’d once been a time when they could barely stand even an inch of space between them. “We craved fear, Quinn, remember? We got high on danger…”
“Before you decided you needed something a little more ‘real’ to get you high, huh?”
He couldn’t blame her for feeling like this. He’d fucked up big style, turned her life to crap in a very public way so she had every right to be angry. “We thrived on taking risks…”
“That was then. We’ve changed, Lukas. We grew up. We’ve moved on…”
“No, baby, we haven’t…”
“Don’t do this, Lukas. Please.”
“We lived for the excitement, we craved fear; we thrived on the danger and the pain and we hit the kind of heights we will never reach again.” He was right in front of her now, which meant she hadn’t moved any further away from him. She’d stopped backing off.
“So why wasn’t that enough for you, huh?”
Her voice was barely a whisper now, and her words cut through his heart with a pain so sharp it physically hurt. Because he couldn’t answer that question. It should’ve been more than enough. He’d had a beautiful wife and a crazy-wonderful life, yet, that hadn’t been enough. But it should’ve been.
“I need you, Quinn. I need you to breathe life back into me because I’ve been dead without you.”
“You killed us, Lukas. You did that.”
“And I’m sorry, I am so, so sorry…”
“Please don’t do this…”
She stopped talking, a wave of pain almost knocking the breath out of her as more long-hidden memories pushed their way forward. Had she really been that naïve to think they wouldn’t surface again? Especially now.
“Quinn?”
She swallowed hard, because he was way too close to her now and she needed him to step back; to give her some space. But he wasn’t doing that, so she turned away from him, closing her eyes as though that would suddenly stop the memories dead in their tracks. Nothing could do that, because they were still there now, as painful as the day they’d happened for real. And from the second she’d agreed to do this movie she’d known, deep down inside, that she was going to have to tell him something she should have told him a long time ago. He needed to know. The truth. She just didn’t know how to tell him. She didn’t know. But she was going to have to find a way.
“Quinn? Baby, please…”
He was behind her now, his body touching hers, sending danger signals straight to every single nerve-ending. “Don’t do this, Lukas.” Her voice was still quiet, still barely raised above a whisper. “Please.”
But he’d made sure she had no choice now, and she was weak. He made her weak, which was why it had taken her so long to walk away from him in the first place. He made her weak. And she was letting him in all over again.
She reached back, letting his hand slip into hers and she clung onto him, despite herself. Like she should have clung on to him back then? Could she have tried a little harder to help him? Was there something she’d missed, something more she could’ve done? Nothing was clear anymore. Everything was blurred and that scared her, more than anything. It terrified her. Maybe if she’d stayed she really could have changed him sooner. Maybe if she’d done that they need never have lost each other.
“I should’ve told you, Lukas. I really should have told you, it was just… it was too real. We’d lived inside that bubble we’d created for so long, too long, and this – it was too real.”
His mouth brushed the back of her neck, pulling her under, dragging her down, but she really was stronger than she thought she was, pushing him away before she could give in. Because that’s what she wanted to do. She wanted to fall against him; she wanted that bubble to wrap back around them and she wanted to keep it from bursting this time.
“It was too real, and it scared me, but I…” She took a deep breath, letting go of him and leaning back against the wall. All of a sudden she felt faint, like the memories were becoming way too vivid now, forcing her to relive every heartbreaking second of something she really had tried to forget. But you couldn’t forget something like that. It was impossible. All she’d really done was push it aside; lock it away. Try to live with it. She’d never forgotten it. She never would. “I should’ve told you.”
He frowned, keeping his distance for a second, but the look on her face was almost inviting him to come closer. Just a step or two, but he sensed she needed him nearer. Or was he just reading something into a situation because he wanted it to happen?
“I should’ve told you.”
“Told me what, Quinn?”
She turned her head away, pressing her hand to her forehead, closing her eyes for a second before she faced him again. Now wasn’t the time. Not here. Not now. But, yeah, she should’ve told him. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
Lukas’s frown deepened, and he moved another step closer. “You should’ve told me what, Quinn?”
Her eyes locked with his, and she felt her heart break all over again, the pain so much more intense than it had been before; this time she also had the guilt to contend with. Because she really should have told him. “It doesn’t matter, Lukas.”
But it did. It mattered then, and it still mattered now.
And she really should’ve told him…
Eighteen Years Earlier
Lukas swung the bike to a standstill, putting his feet down to help bring it to a halt as sand kicked up all around them.
Quinn pulled off her helmet, shaking out her hair, throwing her head back to let the cool sea breeze wash over her face.
“And we’ve come here, why?” she asked, resting her chin on Lukas’s shoulder, staring out at the deserted beach, the sound of the waves crashing gently against the shoreline the only noise piercing the silence. She was ridiculously happy, married to one of Hollywood’s hottest actors, and famous in her own right for being a kick-ass action hero. The past she’d run from, she was managing to deal with it all so much better now; managing to stop the guilt from dragging her down and she had Lukas to thank for that. And Harry. Definitely Harry, because without him she wouldn’t be here, living her dream with a man she was crazy in love with.
Lukas climbed off the bike, holding out his hand and Quinn took it, swinging her leg over the seat of his red and black Ducati, allowing herself to be pulled into his arms. “This place, it’s my secret.” He smiled, tucking a strand of Quinn’s hair back behind her ear. “Nobody ever comes here after dark, trust me. And even if they did, no one’ll know it’s us. We’ll just be two people making out on the beach.”
She returned his smile, running her fingertips over the light stubble covering his jaw line, lingering on his super-sexy mouth.
She ached to kiss that mouth. She kissed that mouth a lot, probably too much, but she still ached to kiss it more. “Sex on the beach, huh?”
He grinned. “Literally.”
She reached out to touch his face again, leaning forward to kiss him gently, closing her eyes and falling against him, his arm holding her tight.
“I love you, Mrs. Drake.”
He kissed the top of her head and Quinn smiled, clenching the leather of his jacket between her fingers as her stomach continued it’s almost constant round of flips and dips that happened whenever she was near this man. She couldn’t think of a life without him in it now. They’d started this whole crazy journey together, watched their individual stars rise to A-list status so fast it still made Quinn’s head spin, and that felt like fate, for both of them. They were meant to be together.
“Promise me this bubble won’t burst, Lukas.”
“You have my word, beautiful.”
And that was good enough for her. That was all she needed to hear. They’d been together almost two years now, married for just over one. And their wedding day, it had been a day that had taken her breath away, because she could never have expected anything so perfect. So beautiful. A sunset wedding on Santa Monica Beach, just them and Harry and a handful of close friends, and security, of course, but they’d managed to stay very much in the background. And now Quinn Baxter and Lukas Drake were Hollywood’s hottest property, and the fact they were a couple – the fact they’d met on the set of that movie – that just made them all the more perfect. And whilst living in the spotlight wasn’t always something Quinn found ideal, she was used to it. Now. Besides, Lukas craved it, he loved the attention, and with him by her side she could get through anything.
Breathe Into Me Page 10
