The chapel had been decorated, and the boys stood in their places in front of the neat rows of pews that would soon be filled with family and friends. Music floated through the air as people filtered in, sorting themselves on either the bride or groom’s side.
“You ready?” Paul asked, though he’d never seen anyone so ready to get married before.
“One hundred percent.” Des grinned. “I wish Mum would stop the water works, though.”
“Not going to happen.” Noah shook his head. “Not a hope in hell.”
Paul chuckled and adjusted his cuffs. “She’s already naming her grandchildren, you know that, right?”
“Hopefully she won’t have to wait too long.” Des clasped his hands behind his back and surveyed the chapel. “Then it’s your turn.”
“We’re focusing on you today,” Paul reminded him.
“I’m happy for you. You deserve it.”
Paul swallowed and pretended to fix a cufflink. Did he, really? Libby was this incredible creature, creative, a risk taker. She blew him away every time they made love.
Made love.
He hadn’t thought about sex in such a way since…forever. The collar on his shirt felt too tight, like hands closing in on his windpipe. He bounced on the balls of his feet and kept his eyes straight ahead.
Then Libby walked through the door, and the rest of the room fell away. Black fabric swished against her skin, the modest hem length and sleeves contrasted by the flash of bare back she exposed when she turned to greet the usher and grab a copy of the program.
Red hair gleamed as it tumbled over one shoulder, tied loosely with a black ribbon. She caught his eye and broke into a bright smile. Following the line of people heading down the aisle she slipped into a pew on the groom’s side.
How would he pay attention during the ceremony with her sitting right there?
“Paul?” Des tapped him on the shoulder. “I asked if you had the rings. Don’t freak me out, man.”
“Right here.” He patted his breast pocket. “I wouldn’t forget the most important part of the show.”
“Second most important,” Des said, turning to look down the aisle as the organ music started.
Chapter Fifteen
The wedding sped by, time seemed to zoom ahead as his brother took the biggest leap of his life. A twinge of envy had replaced the disdain that colored Paul’s life almost two months ago when Gracie and Des first announced their date.
He didn’t have the opportunity to talk to Libby as they were whisked away for photos right after the ceremony—to catch the right light, according to the photographer. Then the guests were ushered into the reception area in time for the emcee to announce the bridal party and newly married couple.
He milled around outside, enjoying the afternoon sunlight and cool breeze carrying the scents of greenery and wine. Laughter and conversation floated from within the venue—an old barn that had been converted into a luxury ballroom—and Paul shoved his hands into his pockets. He’d been anxious to talk to Libby from the moment she’d stepped into the chapel, and the itching feeling to be near her grew stronger with each moment that passed.
“Paul?” A feminine voice caught his attention and made the hairs on his neck stand up.
He’d know her voice anywhere. Sadie. He turned slowly, drawing back his shoulders and unclenching his hands.
“I think all the wedding guests should be inside by now,” he said coolly. “Are you lost?”
She shook her head, neat blond hair swishing about her face. Her hand rested over a small bump at her belly, floral fabric skimming over her new shape, almost concealing it. As always, she looked elegant and put-together. Sadie never had a hair out of place, never looked flustered or overwhelmed or stressed.
“I’m not lost. I hoped to catch you for a moment so we could talk in private.” Dark smudges under her eyes were barely concealed with makeup.
He forced himself not to have any sympathy for her. “I have nothing to say.”
“But I do.” She shifted her weight and, when he didn’t respond, she continued. “I realized that I never apologized for walking out on you.”
“Or for cheating on me,” he pointed out, looking around to make sure he hadn’t missed the call for the introductions.
“I’m truly sorry,” she said, her eyes bright. “You never deserved that.”
A bird chirped overhead. Sunlight filtered down through tall trees. This was far too picturesque a place to be opening up old wounds.
“No one deserves that.”
“I feel like I should explain,” she pressed on. “We never talked about it, and I know you must hate me, but I had my reasons.”
“Why do you feel the need to say something now, in the middle of a bloody wedding of all times?”
“I don’t want to become a mother with something like this hanging over me, and I know that you’d never talk to me unless we were forced to be in the same room.” She looked down at her stomach. “How can I teach my children to be good people when I did something like that and never apologized or explained myself?”
Her fine brows knitted, and she looked at him with such despair that he couldn’t help but soften. “Boy or girl?”
“One of each.” She nodded slowly, as if convincing herself. “Talk about jumping in with two feet.”
He shook his head. “I hope you’re catching up on sleep now.”
“You know I always loved my sleep.” She glanced over at Paul’s mother who quickly turned her head away as if she hadn’t been trying to listen.
“You’ve got a few minutes before we get called in,” he said, bracing himself. “Say what you need to say, because I don’t ever want to talk about this again.”
“Thank you.” She wrung her hands in front of her. “I wanted you to know I never set out to cheat on you. I didn’t plan it, it just…happened. I was lonely.”
“Lonely?” He fought back the urge to argue. How could she have ever felt lonely?
They were in a relationship. Wasn’t that the very opposite of being alone?
“Maybe that’s the wrong word.” She tucked her pale hair behind one ear. “Maybe isolated is a better choice.”
“Doesn’t sound much better to me,” he said, his shoulders stiff and bunched beneath the tuxedo jacket.
“I wanted all these things out of life that you didn’t. It frustrated me because I felt like I either had to forgo what I wanted or had to try and change you, which wasn’t fair, either.”
“What things?”
“Babies,” she patted her stomach. “Marriage, career ambitions. I wanted a partner who could reach for the stars with me. I wasn’t satisfied being alone at night while you worked in the bar, knowing that girls were hitting on you left, right, and center. How could we have ever raised a family like that?”
“I would have gotten a different job.” He’d never actively thought about changing careers, since he felt so at home in the bar. But he knew if she’d given him a chance he would have traded it to have a family. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“I tried to talk to you about it but you said I was worrying over nothing. My life was slipping away, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.”
He’d done that to her by not listening, by not being ambitious enough. It didn’t excuse the cheating, nothing would excuse that. But he’d been a crappy boyfriend to her, apparently…and he hadn’t even known it.
“I’m sorry I acted without breaking things off with you first.” Tears swam in her eyes. “I wanted more, Paul. But I understood that you didn’t. Sometimes I wish I’d been able to be happy with what we had…but I couldn’t.”
He sucked in a breath. “You didn’t allow me a chance to give you more.”
“I didn’t want to change you, it’s not who you are…and that’s okay. Not everyone has to set the world alight.”
The words cut him to the bone. Sadie had seen that she wouldn’t be happy with him and so she’d jumped ship when somethin
g better came along. Her explanation not only didn’t make him feel better about the way things ended, it made the pain worse. Before, he’d been able to blame her for doing the wrong thing but now he saw that she’d felt ignored, isolated. Uninspired…the very thing he’d cited in his speech as a key element to any relationship.
All because of him.
“Paul!” Des called out. “They’re calling us in.”
“Go.” He motioned for Sadie to slip into the reception room before the bridal party entered.
“I wish I could take back what I did.” She gathered the lengths of her dress in one hand and walked carefully along the cobblestone path. “I wish I’d ended things the right way. You deserved better than that. I really am sorry.”
He nodded, a lump lodged so hard in his throat no words could pass. Sadie hovered for a moment, as though she wanted to say something else but then she ducked her head and entered the room without another word.
The emcee’s booming voice announced that it was time to bring in the bridal party.
Time to put his game face on.
Libby stood by the side of the room, watching as the bridal party were called into the room. Paul walked with his head held high, Gracie’s sister, Emmaline, on his arm. They looked every bit the glamorous couple with his dark looks and her shimmering silver gown.
Her belly twinged. Libby had never been the jealous sort, but seeing them together made her realize how much she wanted to be the one standing next to him. The thought of him ever being with another woman tore her up inside.
The room erupted in a raucous cheer when the bride and groom walked through the doors. Gracie’s floor-length gown swirled around her legs. Her grin was only outdone by Des, who looked so happy he could take flight at any moment.
“Don’t you love weddings?” Another wedding guest said to Libby as she settled against the wall next to her.
“They’re very happy occasions.” Libby nodded, smiling as Gracie and Des started doing the rounds with bridesmaids and groomsmen in tow.
“Are you from the groom’s side or the bride’s?” the blonde asked.
“The groom’s. You?”
“Bride’s. My mother and Gracie’s mother go way back; they were determined for us to be friends ever since we were in kindergarten.” She smiled. “I’m glad Gracie found someone like Des—he’s good for her.”
Libby nodded. “They make a great couple.”
“I hear the brother is a bit of a wild one. A friend of mine always goes to their bar, and apparently he leaves with a different girl each week.” She waggled her brows. “Maybe I’ll get lucky.”
Libby sucked in a breath and didn’t say anything. She knew Paul had been that way once. The question was, had he changed? He felt something for her, she was sure of it…but whether or not he’d be able to admit it was something else.
“Lovely chatting with you,” Libby said, with an overbright smile. “I must go and find my boyf—fiancé.”
The music had started, and waiters emerged from the kitchen carrying trays of smoked salmon hors d’oeuvres, tiny spoons of goat cheese and beet puree and, mercifully, large flutes of champagne.
Libby flagged down a waiter and grabbed a glass, taking a hearty sip before she went in search of Paul. She found him talking with Noah and another wedding guest.
“Hey,” she said, smiling as she made her way up to him. “You did well in the ceremony.”
“You mean I stood in my place and didn’t say a word.” He smirked. “Not exactly high brain-power activities there.”
“You didn’t roll your eyes at any point,” she joked. “That would have taken a bit of effort.”
Instead of making him laugh, which was the desired effect, he frowned. His jaw worked, the muscles tightening as though he were grinding his teeth. “What can I say, I’m a disciplined guy.”
Libby sipped her champagne. “It was a beautiful wedding. I’m so happy for Gracie and Des.”
He nodded, his eyes glancing over her shoulder. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, and not the good kind. Something wasn’t right, she could feel it in her bones.
“Why don’t we have a dance?” She grabbed his hand and tugged him toward the dance floor where everyone had already congregated.
Since Gracie and Des had decided to skip the formal “first dance” and instead had wanted everyone to share the moment with them, the emcee had called everyone to the floor. Gracie and Des danced hand-in-hand with the flower girl.
“Come on, it’ll be fun,” she cajoled, setting her champagne flute down on a high table.
“I would hate to disappoint my fiancée.” Paul’s face was hard as a mask of stone, his eyes closed off. Inaccessible.
They found a spot within the throng, and Libby pulled him close, wrapping her arms around his waist. He felt stiff in her grip, his hands landing lightly on her without any of his usual possessiveness. It was almost as if he didn’t want to touch her.
“What’s wrong? You seem a little…distracted.”
“I guess I am. I also didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.” He looked at her properly for the first time since she’d walked over to him.
“Are you prepared for round two?” She ran her hands up and down his back, feeling the muscles tense beneath her touch.
“We’ll see…I don’t know when my best man duties finish up today.”
His response couldn’t have been more lukewarm if he’d tried. Had he gotten his fill and become bored? She pushed the worry away. She knew Paul; he wasn’t the guy that others made him out to be.
“I was hoping we could talk,” she said, mustering the courage she wished she had.
Fake it till you make it, right?
“Talk?” His eyes darted across her face. “What’s there to talk about?”
“Us.” The word came out shakier than she’d hoped, but she had to know how he felt. If he had any feelings for her beyond what they’d shared in bed.
“What about us?” His jaw tightened again. “What’s wrong with what’s going on now?”
“I didn’t say anything was wrong.” She shook her head, unsure what prompted his question. “Actually, I thought things were going pretty well.”
“Yeah?” He glanced over her shoulder again as they danced.
“Don’t you?” She cupped his jaw and gently turned his face back to hers.
“It’s fine. I appreciate you holding up your end of the deal. I’m sure this is boring as hell for you.”
She blinked. Where was the passionate man who’d made her see stars last night? Where was the man who had given her courage when her own father cut her down? He wasn’t in her arms. That much was certain.
“Paul, I’m trying to tell you something.” She sighed, tension coiling her body tight like a spring.
“Then spit it out.”
She closed her eyes. “I love you.”
“What?” He jerked in her arms, reeling back as if she’d slapped him.
The three words swirled in her mind as loud as a raging storm, but her heart couldn’t put them out there again, not when he looked at her like that. “I had to say it. I need to know if…if you feel the same.”
He stood stock-still in the middle of the bustling dance floor. Only when curious stares came from the other wedding guests did he step back into her arms, though she may as well have been holding a plank of wood.
“Libby, we agreed not to go down that path.” He shook his head as if trying to shake her words away. “No emotions, right?”
“We said no sex, too, but you didn’t seem to have a problem with that.” Pain spiraled through her uncontrollably, her breath caught in her throat.
“Neither did you, if memory serves me correctly.” His mouth set into a firm line, and he avoided her gaze. “I didn’t force you into anything.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel anything for me,” she said. “I know I take risks, but they’re not on a whim. I’ve thought about this, I’ve analyzed
it.”
Silence. They moved awkwardly to the music as she waited for his response.
“Answer me, Paul. Is this relationship totally fake?”
He let out a breath. “Yes.”
Libby’s eyes lowered, and she nodded slowly. The disappointment on her face scythed through him like a blade. He should never have crossed the line with her knowing he wouldn’t be able to be the man she wanted.
Lying to her was torture, but it was for the best. She was a brilliant, intelligent, and passionate woman who deserved more than a bartender who failed so badly at relationships that he drove people away. Drove them toward other people. Deep down he knew Libby would never cheat on him the way Sadie had, but she would become unhappy and eventually leave. Knowing how much he felt for her now, before they’d even fully explored the potential of each other, would mean her leaving would kill him. Whether it happened in six months, a year, five years…he couldn’t take it.
“Here I was thinking that your speech last night was about me. How naive is that?” She steeled herself, tilting her face up to his and setting her shoulders back.
“It’s not naive.”
“Yes, clearly it is. Because if it wasn’t you’d be telling me the truth right now.”
“The truth?”
“You do feel something for me, I know I didn’t imagine it. But for some reason you’re too frightened to admit it.” Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes glimmering. “Or do you think you’ll get bored only being with one woman?”
“You want the truth?” He struggled to stay calm amid the melange of emotions battling inside him. “I was ready to propose to Sadie. I’d picked out the ring, and I was going to lay myself on the line for her.”
She didn’t say anything, but he saw the flicker of her eyes, the softening of her lips. Pity. Empathy. Two things he neither wanted nor deserved.
“I would have given her everything, and it wouldn’t have been enough. Now I know not to go down that path in the first place. I’m not cut out for relationships.”
“But you are,” she said, her eyes wide and pleading.
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