Sitting in the tub, he pulled her down into his lap. He lathered the soap and touched his wife everywhere he could reach. The sensations of his calloused palm against Grace’s soft breasts almost unmanned him. He ground his erection into her bottom. He wanted her to feel his need for her. To know what lay in store for them.
But when his fingers slipped beneath the water and found her heated core, he almost lost rational thought. He slipped his work worn fingers in and out of her warm folds, reveling in the gasps coming from her swollen and kissable lips. He wanted this woman and he wanted her now.
He stood, pulling Grace with him. He turned her and grabbed her wet bottom pressing her core against his erection. It took every ounce of restraint not to take her here in the tub filled with tepid water and suds. But he wanted more than just wild sex. He wanted a connection with her in spite of his grieving heart’s objections.
Picking up the quilt lying on the floor, he wrapped them both in it, drying their bodies. With his naked Grace cradled in his arms, he carried her to the bed. Covering her with the bed covers, he crawled between the sheets and lay beside her, pulling her close, reveling in the feel of her warmth.
He made a silent vow, as soon as the snow storm ebbed, he would take her to his real home. Give her a warm bed full of goose down feathers and soft sheets. She would love the wide porch full of rocking chairs where she could sit and enjoy the world from her very own porch. He would keep her safe. He would protect her. He would find a way to make peace with his ghosts from the past.
13
Grace watched her husband’s face in the firelight. He wrapped her gently in the quilt and carried her to the bed. Their bed. Could this really be happening? Somewhere during their time together today, John had changed his mind. He wanted to stay married. To her.
She was nervous. She heard Rosie’s girls talk about what went on behind closed doors. But wouldn’t it be better, more special, to share something so tender with someone you cared about?
He lay her in the bed and followed her down. Pulling the covers over them both, his large frame provided a wall of warmth. She hadn’t the slightest notion what to do and so she lay there. Still. Quiet. Waiting. Her husband was obviously not a patient man. He didn’t make her wait long before he began his ministrations to her body.
His large, work-roughened hands lay flat on her stomach. She tensed. “Grace, you know I will not hurt you, don’t you?”
She nodded in the dark and realized he could not see her nod. “Yes, I know that.” She whispered.
His hand moved from her stomach, up across her ribs, then up, to her breasts. She did her best not to hold her breath but it seemed involuntary. Like a hiccup. John turned toward her. She felt his hair brush her face. He suckled her breasts and his warm hand continued to circle and caress her body.
“Breathe, Grace. Just relax and breathe.”
She felt her need growing and she wanted more. Hesitant to move for fear of stopping his suckles at her breast, she touched his arms, his shoulders, his back. His physical strength was something to behold. With each move of his head, his arms held his weight from her, muscles flexed and bunched under his skin. She pulled his head closer.
“Are you greedy, Grace?”
She heard the humor in his voice. A blush heated her skin.
“Perhaps. A little. My problem is I’m not exactly certain what I’m greedy for.”
“Let me show you.” John breathed against her neck sending delicious chills down her body. His lips trailed gentle kisses across her neck and up her cheek to the corner of her mouth. She held her breath knowing there was more to come but hadn’t the slightest idea what her husband would do next. Or where.
John covered her lips with his, nipping at her top lip. Then the bottom. Suddenly, it wasn’t enough. She opened her mouth against his and was rewarded with deep, sultry kisses that made her weak. Her core heated to simmering. She wanted to explore. Her embarrassment was diminished by the darkness quashing her inhibitions.
She ran her hands over his chest, stopping to touch the stiff peaks of his nipples. Fascinated with the feel of his body, she moved across the large expanse of chest. The dips and curves of his muscles beneath her fingertips gave her a sense of power. And that power gave her courage. She moved down his belly, following the trail of hair until it fanned out encircling his male member rising upward, full and impressive.
Grace’s heart kicked against her ribs and her core wept with need. She wanted whatever he was offering. And she wanted it now. She sat up and pushed at the massive wall of warmth. He gave under the pressure of her hands and lay back against the sheets, his head resting on his pillow.
“What are you up to, my little city girl?” She didn’t answer because she wasn’t certain herself. She was operating by instincts.
She straddled his body with hers placing her need against his arousal. Pressing against him, she lay on top of him, her breasts flattened against his hard chest. His hands cupped her buttocks pulling her closer, grinding their longing for each other into a need so intense, there was nothing to do but consummate their union.
John rolled in the bed tucking her beneath him. She could hear his ragged breath of desire. She wrapped her legs around his big frame and centered her core beneath him, urging him forward with her hips.
He slipped his hand between their bodies and guided his erection to her entrance. The pressure built until she thought she could not take it. A sharp pain ripped through the curtain of her desire. She tried to pull away but her husband held her in place, not moving, letting her grow accustomed to the feel of him inside her.
“That’s the worst of it, Grace. I promise. Give it a minute. I’ll make it much better for you.”
She didn’t move and soon she learned he was right. In a moment or less, her body adjusted to his size and she relished the feel of him inside her. Then, he began to move. Slowly at first, then deeper. Soon, he moved with a delicious rhythm that promised something she had yet to experience.
He kissed her, delving into her mouth with his tongue as he mimicked his movements between their most intimate parts. Soon, a tingling sensation hit her low. She reached for it, needing it and yet not knowing what would come. Suddenly, a burst of exquisite sensation hit her in the deepest part of her core. Her hands dug into John’s muscled back as she climbed higher and higher. Just when she thought she could stand it no more, she crested and began the slow descent of her release. She lay quivering as the sensations subsided and marveled at the connection of body and soul between a husband and wife.
A moment later, she felt John’s release as he voiced his emotions. “God, Lizzie. I’ve missed you so much.”
Grace froze under her husband’s body where moments ago she thought she had found heaven. Now, she knew it had been the prelude to discovering her own kind of hell.
John knew the minute the words were out of his mouth but it was too late to take them back. He lay motionless holding his weight off Grace, pressing her into the mattress. Grace lay under him, her hair surrounding them like a heavenly cloud of gold, shining in the moonlight seeping through the window. His senses began to clear and he realized what he had just done. He cared about Grace. He cared enough to protect her but it was obvious the only way he could guarantee her safety was to see her settled in town.
“Grace, let me explain.”
She pushed him off of her pulled away. Her movements stilted. He could see her eyes misting in the bright light of the moon reflecting off the snow. Her eyes misted but no tears fell.
“I need to wash up if you don’t mind.” She gathered her nightgown and left the bedroom.
“Grace. Wait. Please. Let me explain.”
She didn’t stop. He could see her through the open bedroom door, the cabin’s stove a backdrop, embers sparking in the grate.
This was all his fault. He should never have let things get so out of hand. He couldn’t imagine what she must be feeling knowing he had called out another woman’s name wh
ile making love to her. He raked nervous fingers through his hair. This was a mess and it was up to him to fix it.
He lay alone in the bed gathering his courage. He heard the sound of a coyote off in the distance howling to its mate. His thoughts returned to the woman in the next room. The cabin, safe and warm, made him long for things he had lost.
Throwing the covers back and rummaged through the closet for a shirt and pants.
He dressed and followed her into the main room of the cabin. She was sitting in a chair by the fire, wrapped in her robe, staring into the flames.
His heart ached for this young woman. She was strong. And brave. Hardworking to a fault. She would make a wonderful wife. He could see that now.
"So, I think an annulment is out of the question.” He tried to diffuse the tension between them with humor. She refused to meet his eyes and would not return his banter.
“Grace,” he pulled a chair next to her and waited.
She still refused to look at him. “Tell me about this Lizzie. Was she your wife?”
He rested his forearms on his thighs and stared at the floor. “Yes, her name was Elizabeth. But everyone around here called her Lizzie. We’ve known each other since—forever. Grammar school, I think. Everyone said we would end up together. And we did." He paused to gather his thoughts. He needed to get this right.
"Go on.”
"Lizzie and I got married four years ago, this November. The whole town turned out for the wedding. My five brothers and their families. Only two of them were married at that time. Lizzie's family. People from Wagon Wheel Gap. Creede. We were so happy.”
“What happened?”
He shrugged. “Everything was wonderful at first. Lizzie and I moved into our dream home. I built it for her just like she wanted. Big open kitchen and lots of bedrooms. She wanted lots of children.”
He could tell Grace was taking it all in. Her fingers shook and he reached out to hold her hand. She didn’t pull away.
“It wasn’t long, maybe a few months, we found out we were having a baby.”
“Were you happy about that? Having a baby, I mean.”
He hesitated. “I was scared. Terrified actually. My mother died in childbirth with my baby sister when I was a teenager. All that baby and birthing stuff was a mystery to me but I knew enough to know it could cost me the people I loved. I was happy but I was really nervous.”
He wanted to get up and pace but he continued to sit and hold Grace’s hand. He felt it was the least he could do to try and comfort her as best he could.
She nodded encouragement “Go on. What happened next?”
“Months passed and she grew with our child. We had fun picking up things for the baby. I had plenty of work and the money was rolling in. Lizzie stayed busy readying the nursery for our baby boy. Her sisters came to stay with her during the day while I worked and they cooked and sewed baby clothes and diapers. It was a good time. A happy time.”
“A baby boy?”
His pain stabbed deep in his chest, sharp and searing, at the memory of his little boy. He needed time to gather his emotions so he stared into the flames in the stove. After a few moments, he nodded. “Yes, a baby boy. A tiny, perfect, dark-haired baby boy.”
“But what happened to him? If he was perfect, what went wrong?”
“I guess I’ll never know since I wasn’t there.” John couldn’t contain his grief any longer. He stood and paced the floor. This was a lot harder than he thought it would be.
“But you loved them. You must have loved them very much.”
He looked out the window. The gray clouds were gone, leaving a clear night sky dotted with a million twinkling stars. The moonlight glittering off the snow creating fractals of light as far as the eye could see. He looked heavenward knowing his wife and child were there somewhere among those stars.
“John?’ He felt Grace touch his back and then put her arms around his waist. He needed the comfort she offered. He began again.
“I did. I loved them so much I wanted to give them everything I could so I worked. Hard. Every morning at dawn, I hitched up my team to the wagon and I hauled freight until well after dark. The money was good. So good, I got greedy. I thought if I could work as hard as I could before the baby was born, Lizzie and I would be set and I wouldn’t have to be gone so much after our baby was born.
About a month before the baby was due, I got an offer to haul ties for the railroad. The Denver and Rio Grande Railroad was expanding. It was too long a run to make in one day so I told Lizzie I would be gone overnight. She said she had a bad feeling about being alone. She begged me not to go. But I laughed off her concerns. Chocked it up to emotions because of the baby. Women do that sort of thing, you know. They cry and eat strange foods. Lizzie had never been afraid before so I just assumed…”
He struggled to continue. A tear slipped down his cheek. He didn’t bother to wipe it away. He wasn’t certain how long he stood staring out the window seeing images of Lizzie, happy and healthy, but, a gentle squeeze from Grace brought him back to the present.
“So I left Lizzie crying, begging me not to go all the time me trying to reassure her everything would be fine. I stopped by her sister’s place and asked her to stay with Lizzie until I got back. She said she would as soon as her husband came home from the mill to watch over their kids. I didn’t know until after I found Lizzie—, that her sister’s husband was badly injured at the mill that day. She took her kids and stayed in town until her husband was out of danger. It never occurred to her that Lizzie wouldn’t be fine.
His gut ached as memories long buried came rising to the surface. He needed to pace but Grace’s arms around his waist held him in place. She gave him a little squeeze of encouragement. “Go on, John. Tell me the rest of it.”
He nodded and pulled her around so he could drape his arm around her shoulders.
“For some reason, I still don’t understand, Lizzie went into early labor. She was all alone. She gave birth to our son but he was too small. I don’t know if he was alive when he was born. Only Lizzie knew that. And Lizzie. My poor Lizzie.” John’s words were barely above a whisper as he spoke of his wife’s death.
“When I returned mid-morning the next day, I didn’t even bother to unhitch my team. I just ran up the steps to the house looking for Lizzie to show her the biggest paycheck of my life. I was so proud. Now, I could stay home with her and our child for months to come without worries about money. But the house was quiet. I didn’t realize anything was wrong at first. After five minutes of calling for her and she didn’t answer, thoughts of Lizzie’s premonition hit me hard in the gut. I kept trying to tell myself everything was okay and that Lizzie’s sister probably came to get her and they were taking a walk close by. But then I opened the door to our bedroom and I saw Lizzie lying on our bed. Something was very wrong.”
He heard Grace sniff. He looked down at her to see her wipe at her own tears. He pulled her close and they stared out the window together side by side, holding each other tight.
“I ran to her side but it was obvious I was too late. Our son was wrapped in a blanket and lay beside Lizzie, the sheets soaked in her blood. Both of them were pale as a winter’s moon. Cold. No sign of life.”
“Oh, John. I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry. That must have been so horrible for you to see.”
“Yeah, it was something I will never forget as long as I live. But even worse is the guilt I feel for ignoring Lizzie’s pleas to stay. If I hadn’t gone—if I had stayed with her, none of this would have happened. She would be alive and my son would be running around with perhaps another sister or brother by now.”
“You don’t know that, John. You don’t know the outcome would be any different. You can’t blame yourself.”
“At least I would have been there for her. I could have held her hand and comforted her. I could have helped her deal with our son’s death if he had been stillborn. I could have helped staunch her bleeding. I could have done something. But
I wasn’t there.”
“We can be here for each other. I can help you grieve for your wife and child. What happened was a horrible accident. But time has passed. It’s time you moved forward with your life. Let me help you start a new life. I promise you can be happy again if you will just let me in.”
Grace wrapped her arms around him, her chin pressed into his chest. She pleaded for a future together. He looked down at her. He wanted to give them a chance. But then he remembered any happiness he enjoyed was at the expense of Lizzie and his son.
"Grace. You are a hardworking, smart, courageous, beautiful woman who would make any man proud to have you as his wife..." He couldn't meet her gaze. He let his arms drop and stepped away from her, putting distance between them.
"But not you." She finished for him.
"But not me. The truth of the matter is, I..."
"Say it. Say you don't want me as your wife. Say I'll always be a poor imitation of the wife you loved and lost. Say we can never have a future together because Lizzie’s ghost is between us. Not because she stayed but because you won’t let her go.
You are using her memory to keep me and every other chance at happiness away. You inflict the pain of the guilt upon yourself. You refuse to move on because you won’t turn loose of the memory of a ghost. She’s gone. You aren’t responsible for what happened any more than you are responsible for what happened to your mother and little sister. You have a right to happiness if you will let it happen. Give us some time to make a new life together. Please.”
He shook his head. “I just can’t do this with you, Grace.”
He watched her eyes rounding in shock. He reached out to touch her sleeve but she recoiled from his touch.
“Oh, now I see, you can’t do this with me. It’s not Lizzie. It’s me. How could I have been so dim-witted. It’s not that you don’t want to start a new life, it’s that you don’t want to start a new life with a woman like me. Someone who made her living in a saloon dealing cards. Someone who lived in the dregs of society. Someone who would give herself to a total stranger.”
Grace Page 10
