And I said I thought having cancer had made me re-evaluate my life and become a better parent, more tolerant and a better wife. I thought that my relationship with Rhodri was stronger; although we have issues, we certainly don’t argue as much.
And I told her that I thought I was to blame for my cancer because I drank wine, and didn’t breast feed and had children late in life and that was partly why I had really half-expected my diagnosis; and for years I had just been waiting for that day to arrive.
And I told her that I was afraid of dying and that even though I thought I couldn’t live without my children, I knew that my children could live without me, but the thought of that was really more than I could bear, and then I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I said that they were my entire life, and the thought of leaving them was the most painful thing of all: not the dying, or the cancer, but my children having to grow up without their mummy.
And I realised that being a jolly cancer victim is bloody hard work and sometimes you do need to talk to someone to tell them the things you are frightened to confront yourself, no matter how clued up you think you are, or how positive you are about everything in life.
My name is Michelle and I have cancer and I wish I didn’t have it and I wish it was a bad dream and I wish it would go away.
And we talked about Rhodri and I told her that when I was diagnosed I wanted him to look after me, but he didn’t really adopt that role. She said that if I acted all the time as if it wasn’t a big deal (not her exact words but this is the gist) then how was he ever to know that I felt vulnerable and needed looking after?
And she asked me what he thought about my cancer, and I realised that in six months I had never once asked him, never once talked to him about it, not really, and that was a really major revelation for me.
How can I expect him to be this person I want him to be if I never tell him how I feel or ask his opinion? Although he can be a selfish bastard, Rhodri can also be insightful and supportive and a really good husband, and maybe I just don’t give him the chance to be that. I realised that this had to change, it has to be different; this woman is giving me the tools and I need to use them. We have to talk about this.
Went to Clare’s house for the office Christmas party. I had to be there by seven so I thought it might be a bit of a roll-on roll-off affair, processing us as quickly as possible, but it wasn’t like that at all, it was really lovely. Clare and her partner Kevin are so welcoming and have such a gorgeous house.
I was very pissed by the end of it, despite my resolve not to drink much and was having a full-blown debate with Kevin over parenting programmes on television. They all said I looked great and it was really nice to see them all, and not at all daunting as I thought it might be. I’m hoping I wasn’t too loud or overbearing and conversation-hogging, but suspect I might have been.
December 7, Thursday
We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas . . .
I have the hangover from hell. I am so not used to drinking now (hurrah, I love writing that) that, when I do, it really takes its toll.
Kerry came over and I said that every time I have a hangover she comes over so she must have a false impression of me, that I am always drinking. She has a goitre on her thyroid again and needs to have it drained. I am trying to convince her to go to an acupuncturist as the thyroid is tied into the immune system.
Sat down with Rhodri for supper tonight (still had a terrible headache) and I said that Deborah had pointed out that I never showed my vulnerability to him. I said I thought she was right and that we never really talked about my cancer and I asked him what he thought about my illness. I felt quite awkward asking him, bizarrely, and this is what he said: ‘Do you want me to tell you what I think you want to hear, or what I actually think?’ Hm, OK, will deal with that later.
I said, ‘I want you to tell me what you really think.’ So he said, ‘I think it is unfair that something like this happens to such a lovely person. I think there is a positive side to it though, that you have matured as a person and are very focused on the family, and my concern is that you will go back to your old ways,’ meaning being a party girl who never actually goes to parties but drinks in the house, ‘and you should try to hold on to all the positive things that have happened to you.’
So from his opening statement I am wondering if he edits the truth for me on a regular basis. He probably does. I felt uncomfortable with the bit about going back to my old ways, but he is only verbalising what I think in my own head: that I want to stay healthy and avoid alcohol as I know it’s not good for me and it will definitely be ‘high days and holidays only’ drinking for me in the future.
I was glad I had asked him because it never occurred to me that he thought it was unfair that I should get it, and I thought that was a lovely thing to say as it came from the heart. It’s not fair for anyone to get cancer, but I have it and I personally can’t think that it’s unfair because it’s a fact and I have to deal with it. But it was nice to hear that from him, and I felt that maybe this was the start of something new between us.
December 8, Friday
Picked Elis up from school with Osh. We’re going up to the farm tomorrow for the day to see Sarah, Fin and Diarmuid who are over from Ireland. Elis is very excited about seeing them. Managed to get them to bed early as they need lots of sleep to play with their cousins. Rhodri is still working horribly late; I’m really fed up with being on my own all the time.
December 9, Saturday
Took Osh for a walk to the Post Office to send a birthday present to baby Nancy, Ben and Brees’ baby in Brighton. I’m hoping we can go and visit them in February, when Rhodri will have two weeks off. I went up to the farm to see Sarah. Julia was in bed all day with a hangover from her works party and Sarah, who is training to be a homeopath, had given her a remedy which gave her the runs. To which Sarah said, ‘Yes, it does that sometimes, it’s clearing out your system.’ Julia looked like death when she got up.
Lloyd, Fin, Elis, Osh and Diarmuid were all running around the house like maniacs; God knows how she managed to sleep. As long as you can stay in bed though, when you feel like that, it’s all that matters really.
I asked Diarmuid if he wanted a sleep-over and he did, so he and Elis watched Star Wars (the first movie). Osh was in bed. I had to keep telling them to be quiet because I wanted to watch it too; it’s my favourite Star Wars film. Diarmuid wanted the light left on, which I did and then shut it off when I went to bed.
In the morning Elis came in and said Diarmuid was sick and had thrown up everywhere. He said, ‘You didn’t leave the light on, Shelley,’ so I have probably traumatised him about sleeping at our house for evermore. Had to throw all the sheets, pillows and duvet out on the patio to deal with later, as I had to leave at nine to take them to the airport.
We were playing I Spy in the car on the way up to the farm; it was Diarmuid’s turn and as he was about to I Spy he wound the window down, threw up, wound it back up again and said, ‘I spy with my little eye something beginning with a.’ I love children: when they are sick it is so perfunctory. Wind the window down, throw up, get on with life whereas us adults are groaning and moaning and have to go to bed immediately. Children have not grasped the concept of feeling sorry for themselves. I’m not sure when it comes.
I took them to the airport, had a Burger King and waved them off and came back. Elis got in the car and said, ‘Ah, just me and you together. What shall we do? Have a chat?’ I said, ‘Yes, we’ll have a chat.’ I realised that I don’t spend as much one-to-one time with him as I used to. Either Osh is about or we’re in different rooms and I’m usually with Osh as he is the one you need to keep an eye on.
It’s just with everything that has gone on over the last few months, life has been a bit chaotic. I will resolve to do more stuff with him, as what tends to happen is Osh stays with me and Rhodri does stuff with Elis.
Came home from the airport and did a mammoth washing of duv
ets and sheets. Osh was being a little devil and tipped two cups of orange juice on the sofa. I tapped him on the hand and said, ‘Time out,’ which is what they have in nursery if they are naughty, and he hit me back and said, ‘No, you time out.’ Obviously taking Top Tips in behaviour from his brother. So then I had to deal with the sofa, and by the time the boys went to bed there was bedding and cushions and sheets and duvets drying all over the house; the place was a mess and I didn’t have the energy to do any more.
So I sat down feeling totally fed up that Rhodri was always working and I have to do everything, and I felt really angry with him and wanted to shout at him when he came in at nine. I was expecting him at eleven but he didn’t go out with the presenters on the show, the main presenter broke his leg at the last minute so they have to get another one a short notice. They have been working late to get up to speed on scripts etcetera. He brought some wine, so I had a glass.
He sat on the sofa and, instead of shouting that I was fed up with being on my own and him always working, I just started crying and said in a rational voice that I was fed up with being on my own all the time. It was hard work and I felt like a single parent, and the children were always asking where he was. He sat by me and put his arm around me but then I felt bad because I laid all that shit on him and there is nothing he can do about it, as that’s his job.
So even though Deborah says to show I’m vulnerable, it sort of means you pass your shit on to someone else in some cases, and I didn’t know if that was really going to make me better.
December 11, Monday
I mislaid my diary, which has my entire life in it, and thought I was due to see Deborah at 11.30, but was due at 10.15 so now I need a counsellor to counsel me for pissing off the counsellor. I turned up and said, ‘Sorry if I’m early, I can come back,’ to which she replied: ‘No, you were due an hour ago.’ So I had to trundle up to her room as if I was going to see the Headmistress and get her number for another appointment. I came back and still can’t find my diary, despite tidying the house. I’m wondering if Osh has something to do with its disappearance.
I came back from Penarth and was looking out the window when a florist’s van pulled up with a big bouquet of red roses for me. They were from Rhodri. Ah, complaining is now the new black.
I rang Kerry later and told her I had roses and that complaining was horrible as he couldn’t do much about working late, and she said it was his job to listen to me moan and, even if he can’t do much about it, he can show his support for me.
I will thank Deborah for pointing me in a direction I thought I didn’t need to go in, namely opening up to my husband, and instead of thinking he’s only interested in his own head, try to find out a little bit more about what is actually going on in it, rather than closing myself down to him.
December 12, Tuesday
Went to the hospital for a blood test. I only just scraped through, but the main thing was I can have chemo tomorrow. I was reading a breast helpline leaflet in the waiting room; it was rather fatalistic with regards to the possibility of having breast cancer twice, and more or less assumed it would happen. So I asked Gill about it, as I know of a few people who have had it twice and I’m now getting more paranoid than usual.
She said it was difficult to tell but there was a slightly higher risk in someone who had already had it than the average woman in the street: one in eight as opposed to one in nine. She then told me about her friend who had breast cancer ten years ago when she was younger than me.
I mentioned living twenty years – I would be very happy with that. She said, ‘Ah, but when you’ve got twenty, you’ll want another twenty.’ Too bloody right, I will. Her friend’s grandmother also had breast cancer and lived to her nineties. Bring it on!
I am more and more convinced that I should live my healthy life and, as Alison K said, I must be absolutely convinced if it did come back again that I have done what I can to stay healthy.
Osh went up to the farm today with Julia so that I could be free of him tomorrow when I have the chemo. He was hysterical when he left and I thought how traumatising it must be for Julia. Then I remembered she takes children off people for a living, so is probably used to it – plus I would actually be getting Osh back.
December 13, Wednesday
Richard and John the builders came when I was at chemo and fitted the multi-fuel burners. Hurrah, at last we will not freeze to death, although the temperature is currently about 13 degrees so I’m not sure if I will ever use them. Plus I have to assemble the bloody things inside which will take another week, no doubt, so I’m not even sure they will get lit before Christmas. I’ll get Rhodri on the case next week.
Chemo day was less anxious this time although I still feel physically sick going there and even writing about it makes me feel sick. I usually have the constitution of an ox.
Thank God there are only two more treatments. I should thank my lucky stars they are so straightforward, I know.
Rachel was there again. I’m not sure exactly what she is doing, she’s going to ask her supervisor for a little bit more guidance. I just rattled on about Christmas and stuff and said she could visit me at home if she liked but other than that, unless she has some questions, I don’t know what her function is, nice as she is.
Felt tired and slept in the afternoon. Rhodri picked Elis up and took him to a screening of one of his programmes, so I was in the house on my own until seven and slept for a bit until Elis came home with sausage and chips. I had to nick a small bowl of chips for quality control even though I’ve just spent twenty minutes sending an email to Rhodri’s mother on the perils of fried food! Do as I say, not as I do.
December 14, Thursday
I am very tired;, have been sleeping on and off all day. Can’t really do much but definitely do not feel as bad as the last time, when I had a job to get out of bed at all because of the sickness. Acupuncture definitely works. Apart from feeling sleepy, I am very well, and to be honest it won’t hurt to just do nothing for a few days. Also, it helps that I don’t have Osh, much as I love him. I don’t know what I would do without my wonderful mother. She looks like she needs a good holiday herself. I was wondering what I could get her for Christmas, so bought two tickets for us to go to see Lord of the Dance in March together.
December 15, Friday
I had a wonderful night last night, took two herbal sleeping tablets and was out for the count. What a difference it makes to how you feel, when you’ve had a good night’s sleep. Went to Tescos this afternoon, not for anything major, spent £133, bloody hell, and that was a small shop. Granted, I had a few Christmas nibbles in there, plus stuff for Elis’s party bags which cost about twenty quid. His party is on 7 February and I want to get it organised before Christmas so that I don’t have to think about it then. Later, I took Elis up to the farm with Rhodri, as he is going away with Julia and Martin and Lloyd for the weekend in the Nant Ddu lodge near Brecon. Good old Julia and Martin – their reward will be in heaven. It’s beautiful up there; it’s near a lake and you can go walking and there’s a pool for the children.
Rhodri and I went up there for a night once, it was really lovely. Actually, thinking about it, we had a big row BUT we did have a bit of nookie in a fisherman’s hut the next morning, so it couldn’t have been that big a row in the end.
December 16, Saturday
Ah, I have so tempted fate with the good night’s sleep. Didn’t sleep a bloody wink last night. I have been reading about melatonin. There is a link between it and breast cancer. Melatonin is the chemical released when you sleep, so basically the upshot of it is, you need to get lots of sleep. I am getting myself and Rhodri to bed early so our melatonin can do good things to our bodies while we sleep.
Anyway, it was about twelve o’clock and so as not to disturb Rhodri I went to the bunks, which is usually fine. But I didn’t sleep. I was too hot, too cold, the bed was too small, everything was wrong and by 7.30 I was glad to get up.
The up-side of my sl
eeplessness was that I was like a zombie on acid and made copious amounts of red, amber and green vegetarian foods for the freezer. Now I won’t have to cook much next week. After all that health-food cooking I went to Charlie Chalks with Rhodri and Osh and had scampi and chips. Osh ran about a bit, but wanted to come home so we came back and Osh fell asleep on the sofa. Rhodri and I had a half-hour sleep in bed and we had a bit of sex for old times’ sake. Sex is surprisingly not at the forefront of my mind these days and I keep saying to Rhodri, ‘In sickness and in health,’ because I stupidly think that if I do not have sex with my husband he will leave me for another woman. Which he will not, and if he did he wouldn’t have deserved such a wonderful wife and mother as me in the first place, so there.
I cleaned the goldfish out. I wonder if I stopped feeding them and cleaning their tank, whether anyone would notice (apart from Fishy and Rods, of course).
December 17, Sunday
I had an amazing dream about marriage. Yes, I know it sounds crazy but it was spiritually uplifting. I must be thinking about the things Deborah has said about being vulnerable and not talking to Rhodri about my illness and basically burying my head in the sand. I was in a really plush hotel and there was this young woman, I have no idea who she was, but she was beautiful with long blonde hair and newly married and she said that she wasn’t sure if her marriage would work. She asked me what I thought marriage was and I said, as if I was a prophet or something, this:
My Mummy Wears a Wig - Does Yours? A true and heart warming account of a journey through breast cancer Page 15
