But at the same time, I want to keep talking for as long as Dr. Venn can take it. More, more, more, please.
“Here you go.” I pour out some hot tea into the cup sitting next to the thermos. Dr. Venn’s hands shake as he tries to bring it to his lips. I do my best to help him.
“That’s fine,” he tells me after a few sips. “Thank you.” He lowers the cup and motions for me to return to my chair. “I’m afraid I’ll need to nap soon, so let me tell you just a few more things for now.
“What we discovered, Edgar and I in our travels, is that there are three ways of observing. And you’ve discovered a fourth.
“The first way,” he says, “is to inject ourselves into a time and place through bilocation. The second—your method, which I admire since Edgar and I could never accomplish it—was to send yourself somewhere in your full physical form.”
“But not all of it,” I correct him. “Some things never came over. Like my CD player and my headphones. And even though my clothes came with me, I could never wear Halli’s clothes coming back—they stayed behind. I could never figure it out.”
“Ghost clothes,” Dr. Venn. “I’ll tell you about them some other time.”
He’s looking a little droopy. He’s right, I can’t waste time.
But I do need to correct him on one last thing. “Also, even though my whole body came over, I saw an outline of the wave form of me on the monitors at Professor Whitfield’s lab. Halli’s wave form was in the room, too, even though she’d never physically been there.”
“Do you know why?” Dr. Venn asks.
“It was just a guess,” I say, “but the professor and I thought it might mean Halli and I were entangled somehow, the way some particles are.”
Dr. Venn nods. “Interesting.”
“But go on,” I say. “What are the other two ways?”
“The third you know,” Dr. Venn answers. “It’s what you and Edgar did, inserting yourselves into the body and mind of another person. I understand the temptation—especially in your case, Audie, since the body used to be yours—but I think we can both agree that that method should never be attempted again.”
“No,” I agree. “Never.”
Dr. Venn gives a tired sigh. “So that brings us to the the fourth way: you send your mind to the moment, but you leave your body behind.”
“You mean like the kind of thing Professor Whitfield had me do?” I ask. “Remote sensing?”
“Yes, but with an added feature,” Dr. Venn says. “What Edgar and I learned was that even when we were watching from outside ourselves, we could still communicate. It wasn’t a conversation so much as it was giving ourselves suggestions. Does that sound familiar?”
“You mean … what you were saying before about time loops?” I ask. “About your future self passing along information to your present self?”
“Exactly,” Dr. Venn says. “That method is safe. Edgar and I spent a great deal of time—maybe too much time, now that I look back on it—visiting our younger selves. Trying to nudge us in more positive directions. ‘Don’t say that to your wife, go apologize,’ ‘Don’t let that person get to you—he doesn’t matter in the long run.’ Small adjustments like that. But once you realize you have the power to go back, it’s very hard to resist trying to achieve some kind of perfection in the way you’ve been living your life. If we’d known we had limited time, I think we would have spent it exploring outward more, instead of always going back. Who knows how many more versions of ourselves we might have found?”
“So … wait a minute,” I say. “Do you mean you don’t do it anymore? You don’t travel?”
“No. Not for years.”
“But why?” I can’t imagine giving up such a huge discovery and just walking away from it.
Dr. Venn smiles sadly. “Too many memories. Too many thrilling discoveries. And no one to share them with. The truth is, Audie, I’ve been very alone for the past eighteen years. Even with my family all around me. I’ve missed the intellectual friendship. It feels very hollow to carry on all by myself. Can you understand that?”
“I think so, sir. But … don’t you have other friends? Professor Lacksmith, or … somebody?”
“No one who has seen what I’ve seen,” Dr. Venn answers. “No one who has experienced what you and I have, Audie. We’ve traveled farther than anyone we’ve known. Even if we try to describe it to other people, we’re the only ones who really know. So you must understand why I was so grateful to meet you yesterday.”
“Yes, sir, I do.”
“Good, good …” He closes his eyes for a moment. I wait and hope he’ll open them again.
When he finally does, he gazes at me very directly. “I want you to continue my work,” he says. “Continue my travels. Discover everything you can. I’ll show you my machine. I’ll show you how to use it. If you’re willing and you’re not afraid.”
It’s not an easy thing, staring into this old man’s eyes and seeing all the pain and hope and exhaustion there.
And wondering how much of that I’ll feel, too.
But for the first time since I showed up in this life, I’m not worried about dying anymore. That’s not the issue at all.
The issue is what’s possible.
And Dr. Venn knows more about that than anyone I’ve ever met. How could I possibly say no?
“I am afraid, Dr. Venn. I won’t lie. This whole thing is …” I let out a breath. “Yeah. But I’m also very willing—I won’t lie about that, either. Except …”
“Except?”
I’m not sure if I should ask, or if this is the right time, but since we’re being honest—
“Sir, how did Dr. Sands die? Was it in the machine?”
Dr. Venn hesitates. Then answers, “Unfortunately, yes.”
35
“It wasn’t a heart attack,” Dr. Venn says. “That was a convenient lie. Not so convenient that there wasn’t an inquiry, but in the end, heart attack was the easier reason for everyone to believe.”
“What was the real reason?” I ask.
Dr. Venn sighs. “You have to understand how to operate the machine.” His words are coming more slowly now. He’s definitely starting to fade. “There’s a skill to learning to focus and defocus while you’re in it. Dr. Sands … did not have that skill. I tried to instruct him, but he was in too much of a hurry.”
“So what happened?” I ask.
“The short answer, Audie, is that he went somewhere and forgot how to come back.”
I have to sit quietly for a moment to let that sink in. Even though I’m running out of time.
“But you can show me,” I say. “How to go and come back. You’re sure about that?”
“I’m sure about you,” he says. “You don’t seem reckless or foolish. Algerson Sands was both.”
Dr. Venn’s eyes are doing that slow, ever-slower blink.
“Dr. Venn? Sir?”
“Yes, Audie. I’m listening.”
But his eyes stay closed.
“Will I be able to find Halli using your machine? Do you think that’s possible?”
“Yes … you’ll find her …” Then a soft snore takes over.
I’m not ready to leave. I have eight thousand more questions. Every answer today feels like it bred a whole galaxy of new mysteries. I need hours and hours of Dr. Venn’s time.
But I’m simply not going to get it.
I unplug the mic and then gently remove the earphones from Dr. Venn’s head. I make sure he’s adequately covered with his blanket.
I kneel down beside Red and scratch him behind both ears. I kiss the top of his head. I’m feeling lost and sentimental and frustrated and afraid and lonely all at the same time.
I wish Daniel were here.
The clock above Dr. Venn’s desk shows it’s almost 3:30. I can either fill the extra half hour on my own or page Jake to come get me early.
I decide the best use of my time right now is to borrow some of the paper from Dr. Venn’s desk
and make myself a list. Of everything I think I understand, and all the things I still don’t.
The door to Dr. Venn’s office opens an hour later. I’ve filled five sheets of paper, and I’m not even done yet.
“Oh, I didn’t realize you’d still be here,” Madeline says.
“I lost track,” I say, rising to my feet. “I didn’t realize how late it is. Is there someone out there waiting for me?”
“A young man, dark hair, quite handsome?” she answers with a smile.
“I have to go.” I don’t care about keeping Jake waiting, but I need to get back to London to talk to Daniel. I have so much to tell him, and I hope he has a lot to tell me. I put on his coat and then fold up my notes and shove them deep into one of the pockets.
“How is he?” Madeline asks, gesturing toward her grandfather.
“He’s amazing,” I answer before realizing that’s not what she was talking about. “I mean, he’s fine. He’s been sleeping for the last hour or so. But up until then he was really alert.”
“Good.” Madeline gently shakes Dr. Venn awake. “GRANDDAD, IT’S RAINING OUT. I’M GOING TO BUNDLE YOU UP A LITTLE MORE AND THEN TAKE YOU HOME.”
I help her cover him in a wool coat and then a raincoat, both laid over his front like a haircutter’s smock. Madeline fits a brimmed hat over his head. “READY?” She presses the console on Dr. Venn’s chair and it begins to move toward the door.
I open the door for them, and as he passes me, Dr. Venn removes his hand from the cuff and reaches out to grip my arm. He pulls me closer so he can whisper.
“You’re a brave girl.” Then he smiles at me, a wide smile that makes his tired eyes crinkle behind their thick glasses. He looks like a grandfather now, not like a rebel or a pioneer or like that wary, crabby man who first spoke to me on the comm. And not like the angry scientist yelling at his colleagues at that conference. You wouldn’t know looking at that kindly, gentle face that behind it rests a mind that holds more wonders of the universe than anyone could imagine.
I’m tempted to kiss him on the cheek the way I would have my own grandpa. But I resist. It would be too weird.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I tell him.
He nods, and then Madeline holds her umbrella over him while the two of them venture out into the cold rain.
Jake is sitting on the closest bench. Red yawns and stretches his legs out long in front of him. Then he resumes his post at my side as soon as Jake stands up.
“Good news and bad news,” Jake says.
“Nope, I’m only accepting good news this evening,” I say as I start off across the courtyard. I’m tired and I’m wired and I don’t really feel like talking.
“Okay, then the good news first,” Jake answers. “Your father was able to reschedule all those appointments for tomorrow.”
I stop and look at him. “Not funny.”
“Sorry,” Jake says, “but at least that’s better than the next news: he wants to see you. We’re going there next.”
“That’s a no,” I say. “Anything else?”
“Okay ….” Jake has to hurry to keep up with us. Red and I have purpose in our step. “How about this, then? Bryan says he’s meeting you at my inn at seven o’clock tonight for an interview you agreed to?”
“Yes, because even though I specifically asked you to keep him away from me, he showed up at lunch today. So I’m giving him his interview to get rid of him once and for all.”
Jake seems stung by the criticism, but too bad. Everything I just said is true. Plus I’m still waiting for him to confess that he saw Halli’s father already today and for whatever reason showed him Sarah’s invitation. Until I hear some explanation for that, I’m not exactly feeling all warm and fuzzy toward Jake.
“Anything else?” I ask.
“No, Miss Markham.” All the playfulness has left his voice. “What should I tell your father?”
“I’ll tell him myself. You can call him on the comm as soon as we’re in the car.”
You’re a brave girl.
I didn’t used to be, Dr. Venn, but I’m getting there.
36
We’re rolling toward London when Jake is able to make contact. Halli’s father’s head appears on the screen between the front and back seats.
I get right to the point.
“I understand there was some confusion about how I was spending my time today.”
“Confusion?” Halli’s father says.
“Yes. I should have been clearer before: I have meetings with Dr. Venn all the rest of this week. Maybe even into next week. I won’t be able to meet with any of your people until after that.”
That last part is a lie—I have no intention of meeting with any of them—but I don’t feel like having a fight unless I need to. If Dr. Venn’s machine can really bring me into contact with Halli, then maybe there’s a chance to change this whole situation. I won’t know until I try.
“I told you to stay away from Venn,” Halli’s father says.
“That’s not your decision,” I tell him.
It’s amazing how much easier it is to be brave when you’re tired. Right now I don’t care if the man yells and screams at me. I have much bigger issues to deal with than disappointing Halli’s father.
“What are you talking to that lunatic about?” he demands.
“Physics. And Ginny. We’ve been talking a lot about Ginny. I assume it’s all right if I miss my grandmother?”
Halli’s father grumbles, but he actually seems to accept that answer. Maybe I need to stick to the Ginny excuse with everybody. No one can claim that I’m lying.
“So you’re still interested in Oxford?” he asks.
“Nothing has changed.”
Everything has changed.
Halli’s father pauses to take a sip of his drink. He swirls an ice cube around in his mouth and then spits it back into his glass. “And you’ll meet with the faculty your mother and I selected?”
“When I’m done with Dr. Venn, yes.” It feels like a harmless concession. Especially since I won’t be honoring it.
The lights on the screen swirl around, then the divider between the seats is clear again.
Halli’s father just hung up on me. Pleasant man.
“I need to rest now,” I tell Jake. “Please see that I’m not disturbed.”
“Yes, Miss Markham.”
It’s weird to have him being so formal again, but I don’t try to fix it. Maybe it’s better to re-establish some distance.
I remove the ear button, then settle into a comfortable position and close my eyes. Red nestles further onto my lap, and I rest my hand on top of his head.
Now. Finally. I can process.
I slip my free hand into the pocket of Daniel’s coat and grip the folded pieces of paper. Five sheets of questions and theories and even some answers.
What a day.
But for right now, one particular answer is still echoing in my head.
“Yes … you’ll find her …”
Halli.
And if I find her, then that means I’ve found my old universe again.
And this time I’ll have a time machine.
How did Dr. Venn put it? That once he and Edgar realized they had the power to go back in time to their younger selves, it was hard to resist trying to give them advice. Nudge them in certain directions. Achieve some kind of perfection for how they’d been living their lives.
So … what if?
What if I can go all the way back to myself earlier this year, when I first came up with the idea of looking for parallel universes?
What if I try to convince myself that’s a really bad idea?
What if I give myself some other idea for a project to do to impress Professor Hawkins and the admissions people at Columbia University?
What if I can make none of this ever happen?
My eyes pop back open. And I know without a doubt that I’ll do nothing of the kind.
Yes, things have gotten out of co
ntrol. Yes, I miss my old life and most of all my mother, and yes, I wish I could just wake up in my own bed in my own body in my own universe tomorrow morning and find that everything has just worked out perfectly and I never have to worry again.
But there are too many other things I don’t wish.
I don’t wish I’d never saved Halli.
I don’t wish I’d never found her in the first place.
And I don’t wish I’d skipped all the adventures I’ve had in the past month. Even when they’ve been hard, the truth is, they’ve been INCREDIBLE. I’ve seen things and done things and met people I never would have if I were still my same old Audie sitting in my room reading physics books all the time, never really going out and living in the world.
Halli has shown me a better way. I’ve shown me a better way. So no, I’m not under any circumstances going to visit my earlier self and whisper in my own ear, “Don’t do it!” Never going to happen.
But is there some point in time that I could go back to that would make some kind of difference? Help me avoid some of the bad stuff without erasing any of the good?
I feel a cold flash of electricity up my spine. Along with the certainty of an idea that has just popped into my head fully formed. I lean forward and cradle that head right now, because the thought is so huge, so right and true, it feels totally overwhelming.
Because all at once, I get it.
I’ve already had this conversation with myself.
I’ve already looked at my whole history. I’ve already analyzed everything that’s happened and where things went right and where they went wrong.
I’ve already made a choice.
Because what did I need most this time? To get to London. To talk to Daniel. To find out what he and his parents learned from some Oxford professor about why my head was splitting in two.
And when was I in London last time? When did I see Daniel?
Two days ago. In the lobby of Halli’s parents’ London headquarters. Exactly when and where I returned this time.
I’ve already thought this through.
I’m exactly where I need to be. I’m exactly who I need to be. If Dr. Venn is right, and I’ve gathered certain strands of Halli and me together to form this particular version of us both, then I must have known what I was doing. Just as I must have known what I was doing in picking that specific time and place Monday afternoon to start over here.
Parallelogram Omnibus Edition Page 84
