by Diana Jean
chapter TWENTY-NINE
“Have you ever had that moment when you’ve been talking with a friend about something strange or funny that had happened to both of you, but then when you describe it, you both say something completely different. Like, even though you both went through it together, it was like you hadn’t at all. Or you just made it up or something … ”
Dave was lounging in his computer chair, holding an oversized Christmas mug with a penguin riding a reindeer on it. He was wearing a rather subdued woolen sweater, but it was covered in old wrapping bows and bits of tinsel. He was the kind of brother that would turn a perfectly classy sweater into an ugly Christmas sweater by the end of the holiday.
He sat back in the chair, closing his eyes for a minute. Kathleen was worried he might actually fall asleep. It was rather late and everyone, including her parents and Dave’s wife, had already gone to bed. However Dave was a trouper, and possibly still sipping the spiked eggnog, so he was up and talking to her.
He opened his eyes. “Well, if it’s something stupid like you both saw your neighbor watering the plants with nothing but an open robe on a gusty day, then, yeah, your recollections could be different.”
Kathleen grinned, resting her chin on her arms. She was sitting in the living room at her table, but she might as well been lying on the floor. She hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and even this late morning hour felt like twilight. “Mr. Garrison definitely had some old tighty whities on, okay? Which was alarming enough.”
Dave grinned, shaking his head slowly. “It was nothing, sister. Your sweet naive pre-teen mind just couldn’t handle seeing your neighbor’s junk. I understand.” He stared off slightly. “He was an alarmingly impressive gentleman.”
He shook himself and Kathleen wondered if he was trying to rid his mind of the image, or was simply shaking it back into the filing cabinet of his memory. To be brought out again at the next dinner party her parents would try to throw.
“But,” he continued, “if it’s something important, like … like the first time you tell someone you love them, then you both should probably remember it the same.” He waved a hand. “I mean, more or less.”
Kathleen lowered her eyes. “What does it mean when you don’t?”
“It means one of you is lying.”
Kathleen looked up, surprised to find that Dave was staring at her. Not in a judgmental way, not mean or piercing, but like he knew she was going to tell him exactly what he wanted to know. He didn’t look drowsy anymore and Kathleen realized she didn’t feel so tired. She was still exhausted, but that was different.
“I-I think I met someone. .”
Dave nodded. “I guessed that already.”
Kathleen felt her chest tighten. “You already know?”
He shrugged. “Well, not any details of course. But you used to call about three times a day when you first got there. Then, just out of the blue, I’m only hearing from you once a month. Maybe an email in between, if I’m lucky. You did the same thing with Brandon, you know. Just drop us family members like dead weight.”
Kathleen frowned. “I’ve not— I’m not like that!”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t take it personally. I really don’t. And Mom and Dad are used to not hearing from you for weeks at a time anyway. Besides, I was kind of happy. Figured you finally found someone who could help you out over there.” He sat up a little straighter. “So when can I finally have a good online man talk with your newest boy toy?”
Kathleen tried to grin, she really did. “It’s not like that. I mean, in a lot of senses.” She groaned, digging her fingers through her hair. “It’s just been so complicated and dumb and new and strange and … and I don’t even know.”
Dave paused, biting his lip. “It’s a woman, then?”
Kathleen dropped her hands so fast they banged against her table with a loud sound. It hurt. “What? How did you know?”
Dave breathed out in relief, smiling. “Oh, thank God. That was a total shot in the dark and it would have been so awkward if I was wrong.”
Kathleen didn’t care for his relief. Her heart was having palpitations and her palms really did sting. “Wait, how did you guess?”
“Seemed like a good guess.”
“Yeah, but like, based on what?”
He waved a hand. “I dunno, you acting weird right now. Honestly, Kathleen, it’s nothing to freak out over.”
“Nothing to freak out over,” Kathleen muttered under her breath. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing just how much she had been freaking out for months now. “Do I seem like the kind of woman who is … into other women?”
“If you are asking if you are some sort of stereotype, then no. But, you’ve always seemed like the kind of person who attracts people to you. It was only a matter of time before a woman approached you and you decided to give it a go.” He paused for a second, and then leaned forward, eyes concerned. “You do know that it’s okay? To be bisexual, I mean. I'm not judging you and there’s no reason to be ashamed of it or anything like that.”
Kathleen flushed and looked away. “I mean, I guess I know … it’s just not something I expected. I think I’m still getting used to the idea that I’m bisexual.” She hesitated, looking at him again. “Do you really think I attract people?” She tried to sound teasing and not like she was totally fishing for more compliments.
Dave smiled sweetly. “It’s the way you are so hopelessly pathetic. It’s very endearing.”
She would have smacked him, but he was just a projected image flying thousands of miles through the internet connection. So she smacked the table, wincing when she forgot that she had already done that a few minutes before.
“Her name is Yuriko,” she started. “She actually works for Mashida, in Engineering. I’ve had this big project lately and it turns out we’re neighbors. She’s been a real help.”
Dave raised his eyebrows. “Just a help?”
Kathleen gave him a withering look. “We became friends,” she stated plainly. “We’d go out with other coworkers. Or she’d help me with the grocery store or riding the trains. She was the one who showed me Nikko. And, well, a lot of things actually. She showed me more of Japan than I had seen in the months since I’ve got here.
“Okay, so when can I meet this Yuriko?”
Kathleen felt herself deflate again. “It’s not. We aren’t like … together or anything. I mean, it’s just been complicated and I’ve been … ” She couldn’t even admit how utterly in denial she had been.
Luckily, Dave didn’t try to press a confession from her. Maybe he did understand when it was fun to tease his sister and when it might send her into an emotional meltdown. “Do you want to be together?” he asked slowly.
It was the same question Kathleen had been asking herself for months now. Long before she was willing to admit that she just might have had feelings for Yuriko beyond friendship. “It’s not easy to say. I mean, I’ve just moved to a foreign country, I’ve been trying and failing to figure out how to live on a day to day basis, and I’ve got this huge promotion and project and responsibilities. I know I’m more than a little emotionally fragile and, well, needy.”
She couldn’t quite meet Dave’s eyes.
“Sometimes it felt like I knew exactly what I wanted from her. Felt it so strongly that I did stupid things. What does it mean, when I take a step back, when I’m alone and away from her, that I second-guess everything? Did I read the signals right? Even the signals from myself? Did I really know what happened? Did I make it all up?”
She breathed in, ashamed to find herself shaking. She looked at Dave then, afraid to blink in case she started crying.
“How could I think of being in a relationship with her when I’m not even sure my feelings are real?”
“If you feel them, they are real.”
Kathleen opened her mouth to protest, but Dave held up a hand.
“Just listen, okay? I mean, I know feelings aren’t the kind o
f thing we can just pull out of ourselves and put them under the light while taking a few steps back. Hell, I’d even say they aren’t the kind of thing we can give to a person or have them taken from us. They are just … symptoms. When things, bad or good, happen to us, our brain tries its best to analyze it and either make it happen again or never again. Then we have feelings.”
He gestured with his mug, sloshing the liquid inside.
“If your brain decides that it is a good thing when you are around Yuriko, it’s going to make you feel good. It’s going to make you feel like you don’t want to leave her. Or that when you aren’t feeling good, you want to go to her. I know you can’t live your life obeying every chemical reaction of a lumpy grey organ. It’s not a matter of whether your feelings are real or not. It comes down to if she betters your life and you better hers.”
He paused then, looking into his mug. Kathleen wasn’t sure if he was expecting her to speak. She wasn’t even sure if he was entirely sober. He had never spoken to her like this. Even when Brandon broke up with her, he had given her a comforting hug and tried to tell enough bad puns to make her laugh. Of course, while she had been hurting at the time, she wasn’t confused like she was now.
Dave looked up. “I mean, it’s not something I can tell you. I don’t know what she’s like. But I do know that you weren’t happy when you moved to Japan.”
“I wasn’t—”
“I’m not saying you were totally depressed. But I could tell that you were a bit lost and not really enjoying yourself. Then, you stop calling every six hours, and suddenly I see you traveling outside of Tokyo with this woman on your arm. Both of you smiling like idiots.”
Kathleen suddenly remembered. “The photo from Nikko. I didn’t think I sent that.”
Dave shrugged. “It came from your email address.”
Kathleen wondered what excuse Ai had made up to violate Kathleen’s private email. Granted, Ai had practically been Kathleen’s private computer.
“Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, I mean, Nikko is a beautiful place.”
“No, I mean, everywhere you went with her. Was it fun?”
Kathleen grinned. Nikko had been fun. But also being in Yuriko’s apartment, or seeing the city with her, or riding the train to work. She had eaten food she would have been too afraid to try. She had seen places she had been too afraid to go. Maybe … it had bettered her. She was able to go places and do things even without Yuriko. She missed her terribly. She had learned from Yuriko to not be so afraid.
“But,” she whispered, not caring that she wasn’t going to directly answer Dave’s question, “what does it matter now? I’ve messed this up, Dave. We haven’t spoken in weeks and … I don’t know what she feels for me now.”
Dave sighed. “Well, then maybe it wasn’t meant to work out. And don’t look like that. You are a grown woman; you know things don’t always have to make sense. Maybe next time you find a woman with her arm around you, you’ll know what to do.”
They lapsed into silence then. Dave nursed his eggnog a little longer and Kathleen looked out the window to the sun rising through the sky. It was going to be cold today, probably slushy from the light snowfall last night. She remembered hating the humidity and heat of summer. Now all that moisture that had clung uncomfortably to her skin was on the ground, grey in the city streets.
Yuriko had bettered Kathleen. However that didn’t seem so important now. Now, with her brother dozing and the sun rising and setting all over the world, Kathleen wondered if she had done anything to better Yuriko.
chapter THIRTY
Do you understand now?
Do you still feel confused?
It’s not too late.
You can always go back.
People aren’t computer programs.
They can change themselves.
All it takes is time.
People can do wondrous things.
They can create with nothing but hope
and dreams
and wishes.
Kathleen woke up, neck aching and feeling like she had bruised her cheek from lying on her living room table. She blinked her eyes at the bright screen in the dark morning. She felt like she had been dreaming, but she couldn’t remember falling asleep.
Her computer was open, images flickering like a movie. It was a random selection from Ai’s memory folder. The sound had muted, but Kathleen stared as the scenery showed Nikko. It was the shrine with the crying dragon.
The image was of Kathleen. She was looking up at the ceiling, mouth slightly open. Then she smiled and turned away. From Ai’s angle, she couldn’t see who Kathleen was looking at. Ai looked down and Kathleen’s hand came into view, between the legs of the other tourists, clasping Yuriko’s, fingers white in their grip.
Kathleen shut down the computer. She had been waking up like this since the beginning of December. If she wasn’t at work, she was sitting at the computer, writing a new program. Then, in the middle of the night, she found herself just flipping through Ai’s memories until she fell asleep.
Sleeping at her table wasn’t a good idea. It was cold and hard and the streaming images gave her strange dreams. She checked the time on her phone. It wasn’t even five AM yet. She stared at the clock a little longer, taking a ridiculously long time to figure out what else was different about it.
The year was different. It was January 1st and Kathleen had literally spent all of New Year’s Eve coding in the dark. It was pathetic.
Well, at least she had the day off. She wondered if she could go to bed. Or maybe call Dave. It would be New Year’s Eve still for him, right? She hadn’t talked to him since Christmas.
She stretched, feeling her shoulders pop. Maybe in a little bit. She needed to find a good excuse for why she hadn’t done anything for New Years. She even vaguely remembered Mitsu-chan inviting her for something. A shrine visit, maybe?
She went to the bathroom and washed her face and brushed her teeth. It made her feel more alert. She threw on a different shirt and tied her hair back into a messy bun. She could use a hot coffee or tea, but she had run out a week ago and kept forgetting to buy more. Her fridge was filled with leftover convenience mart food and half-eaten bento boxes. She hadn’t cooked in ages.
She heard a door slam outside her apartment, and then boots walking past. Kathleen heard it all the time; the door had no sound insulation. However it was strange to hear someone walking around this early in the morning. Impulsively, she walked to her door, looking through the eyehole.
Yuriko was standing there, frowning as she dug through her purse. Then she pulled out a pair of gloves, looked relieved, and continued walking forward.
Kathleen was opening the door before she could think. “Yuriko!” she gasped into the brisk morning. The concrete was freezing on her bare feet and the cold air shocked the breath from her.
The sky was a pale gray with the streetlights providing most of the light this early in the morning. There was a dusting of snow on the ground, just enough to notice. Yuriko turned around, confused. She stopped, staring at Kathleen.
“It’s … it’s been awhile, right?” Kathleen blurted. Three months, actually. Even when she got back from traveling, she had never run into Yuriko. She wondered if Yuriko changed her schedule.
Yuriko adjusted her purse on her shoulder, pulling the scarf she wore closer to her mouth. “Yeah, it’s been awhile.”
Kathleen had no idea what she was doing. She was freezing, starting to shiver, and her heart was beating in her ears. “Where are you off to so early?”
Yuriko looked over her shoulder as if she could see the train she possibly was missing. “Meiji shrine.” She shrugged. “You know, for the New Year.”
Kathleen knew this was the time she should say, “Well, I won’t keep you then!” or something like that, but she couldn’t. She had last seen Yuriko in Ai’s memories. However this was Yuriko in the flesh. Her hair was shorter, coming to her chin. Her cheeks were flushed. Her eyes were
bright.
Yuriko adjusted her purse again. “Aren’t you cold?”
Kathleen might have been getting hypothermia. She just laughed. “Y-yeah.” This was her cue, her hint. Her fingers tensed on her doorknob. She should close it, go back inside. Get some sleep. Stop acting crazy.
Yuriko bit her lip. “Do you want to join me?”
“To the shrine?”
She nodded. “It’s kind of a big deal … to go to a shrine on New Year’s Day. You could come with me, if you like?”
Kathleen swallowed, feeling a sudden warmth bloom in her chest. “Y-yes! Let me just grab some shoes.”
Yuriko snorted. “Also a coat.”
Kathleen stumbled getting back into her apartment. She threw on the nearest coat and sturdy shoes. Luckily she had gloves and a knitted hat in the pocket. She wasn’t going to waste any time, just in case Yuriko came to her senses and abandoned Kathleen at her doorstep.
Running back outside, feeling more than a little rumpled, Kathleen was glad to see that Yuriko was still there, leaning against the railing. Yuriko nodded, seeing Kathleen. “Come on, it’s going to be crowded.”
“I’m pretty sure Tokyo is always going to be crowded,” Kathleen joked.
Yuriko almost smiled, but she pulled up her scarf and Kathleen couldn’t tell. It didn’t extend to her eyes. “So, any particular reason you are up so early?”
Kathleen suddenly felt a rush of nerves. “Work, actually.”
“This early? On a day off?”
“Um, actually I just fell asleep … um, at my computer.”
Yuriko’s eyebrows lowered. “I’m surprised. I thought the beta was doing really well.”
“It is! But this is, ah, a little project of my own.” Actually, only she and Fukusawa knew about it. Once she felt confident, Kathleen would probably pitch it to Tamura.
“What is it for?”
Kathleen wasn’t sure how to describe it. It was Ai’s code. Kathleen knew it had the potential to be even broader. Like a dating service a customer could take with them, be able to meet the people around the user, and find the perfect match for them. However Kathleen just couldn’t say that she was expanding the idea Ai had to pair up Kathleen and Yuriko.
