“With the ability to transport, witches don’t have to care about their base location. Besides, I’m always willing to come to take you shopping in Paris for those stupidly expensive clothes you insist on buying.”
“They’re not expensive. They’re high quality. Where do you get your clothes these days?”
Carol huffed and fisted a hand on her hip. “Ahmed finds them for me. Fashion keeps changing in the human world. Sometimes it’s quite the hunt for spandex body suits and leg warmers.”
“You’re letting your familiar dress you? Ahmed thinks leg warmers are high fashion.”
“For me, leg warmers are high fashion, but we’re getting off topic. There’s no time for chit-chat. Let’s get back to the shifter problem.”
Hildy held up a hand and shook her head. “Give it up, Carol. I’m not going back to West-effing-Virginia. If Assley residents need me, I’ll pop over to them, or they can come to me. My brother, Fabio…”
Carol shuddered. “Goddess, even his name still creeps me out. Do you know that he applied to be in my warlock posse? I turned him down of course.”
Hildy snorted. “Why? You’ve slept with far worse characters than my brother.”
“Perhaps… but I do not sleep with my posse.”
“Right,” Hildy said, her mouth quirking at the edges. Carol slept with whoever she wanted to sleep with. “Anyway… like I was saying… Fabio came to visit last year and helped me learn to magically transport without getting sick. Now I can go shopping in Paris whenever I want without anyone’s help.”
“Except that you haven’t gone anywhere in nearly two effing years. You’re too busy hiding in this cave,” Carol yelled as she narrowed her gaze.
One of Hildy’s shoulders lifted. “That will all change in three months.”
Carol sighed in resignation. “You’re a witch, Carol—and a premier magical. I can order you to do what I need to be done. Keep this up and you’re going to make me play the Baba Yaga Says So card.”
“Do it. I’d respond to that order by reminding you that I belong to Gaia now. I even have the very painful tattoos to prove it. And last time I checked the Great Mother trumps the Baba Yaga.”
Carol glared at Hildy for winning their verbal sparring. Gaia’s wishes did trump but that fact sucked. She needed Hildy’s help.
“Look… Morgana said Assley is where the shifting problem originated. Her opinion is that the solution has to start there as well. It’s just like in the human world when they have to develop a vaccination for a virus. Half-shifts and mis-shifts are becoming a global pandemic. As the premiere Shifter Ass-Kisser in the entire world, even Gaia will have to admit that it’s your freaking job to find a Goddess-damn solution to this problem.”
“Whisperer,” Hildy said loudly. “It’s Shifter Whisperer, Carol. Not Shifter Ass-Kisser. I warned you not to call me that anymore.”
Carol lifted her naked shoulder. Goddess, she loved the bare shoulder, drooping shirt look. It made her feel sexy and chic. “You called yourself that just minutes ago, but whatever. I’ll call you anything you want if you agree to help me.”
“Don’t look now, Great One, but your boob just fell out of your shirt. I see you’re still sitting in the first chair of the itty bitty titty committee,” Hildy said with a laugh while pointing.
Carol looked down and then pushed her perfectly adequate breast back inside her shirt. Hildy was over-endowed and didn’t realize it. Not a single male had ever complained about her ample enough breast size, and she’d been kind enough never to comment on the size of anything her lovers owned. “Showing boob is sexy… and I love this shirt.”
Hildy snorted. “A flash of side boob is sexy. Showing the whole boob is skanky. Goddess, are you never going to learn the difference?” She tried not to laugh, but couldn’t help it.
Chuckling over their fashion debate, Hildy reached out to tug Carol’s oversized shirt into a more modest position. “Remember our dedication day in school? I barely stopped you from wearing that long purple dress you used to shove tissues inside your bra to fill out. You wanted so bad to look like the Jezibaba. That woman has great boobs.”
“She still does,” Carol admitted as she sighed. Of course, the Jezibaba was also six feet tall and built like the Goddess Morgana. Neither she nor Hildy was ever going to walk in the shoes of their two role models. “Unfortunately, I do remember that day, and now I remember it better thanks to you. Remind me to dig up some fresh dirt on you before I visit next time.”
Hildy winced at the pink rising in Carol’s face. She hadn’t meant to truly embarrass her friend. It was time to cut the Baba Yaga a break.
“Do yourself a favor, Carol. Get one of those convertible bras that hold your boobs in place no matter what kind of top you’re wearing. Or get a smaller top. Geez, you need to learn to dress yourself properly. The Baba Yaga can’t be running around with one boob hanging out. The Jezibaba would kill you for not dressing like a proper witch protectress.”
Carol put a hand to her stomach and laughed. “True. The Jezibaba would kill me, but Zenos would think it was hysterical. They’d be arguing about my boobs more than we do.”
Hildy burst into laughter which brought a genuine smile to Carol’s face. It had taken her hours, but she’d finally worn Hildy down. It relieved her to know the real Hildy hadn’t faded away completely.
“Tell you what… I’ll conjure up a smaller top, and get one of those convertible boulder holders, but only if you return to Assley.”
“Emphasis on the ass,” Hildy reminded her.
“Of course…. Assssssssley.”
Hildy chuckled but shook her head as she went to check on a cauldron where she was brewing the potion for the poultice. “I’m sure the one and only Baba Yaga witch can figure out the problem without me.”
Carol crossed her arms. She would not blast her friend. She would not. “Hildy, you are my way of figuring it out. Now stop being stubborn. The problem jumps from shifter to shifter. It’s physical and eluding magical detection. It’s even affecting the little ones. Chuck’s beside himself with worry over the cubs.”
Hildy held up a hand. “Don’t want to know. Don’t care. They’re not my cubs.”
Carol sighed. She should have known the bear was the real problem. The big blond adorable goofball was always driving Hildy crazy.
“I don’t for a single minute believe Chuck strayed. Morgana doesn’t believe it either. He’s your mate, Hildegard. That bear adores you more than honey. He has since he was a cub himself. And I think deep inside you know I’m right.”
“The babies were delivered to me for a medical check along with a very convincing note. I believe they’re his. Chuck believes they’re his. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have kept them. His action in doing so made the situation a pretty done deal, Carol. If I returned to Assley—or Assssssley—to help, it would not be because of Chuck and his cubs.”
“Okay,” Carol conceded, going over to peer into the cauldron. “Did you ever think maybe he was tricked into fathering children? Wouldn’t that change how you felt?”
“Nope. Still wouldn’t care,” Hildy said firmly, looking at what she was doing.
“You’re being a hard-ass about this.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Hildy replied as she frowned. What had she just been doing? Healing work became dangerous if your intentions weren’t in a good place. Sighing at her mind-wandering, Hildy gathered up her experiment and took it to the hearth.
She chanted over the flames, made them more substantial, then threw the herbs and poultice pack into the fire before turning back to her nagging friend. “Chuck deserves to find himself a bear mate and have all the cubs he wants.”
“If I thought Chuck was interested in other females, I wouldn’t be here demanding your help.”
“You mean you wouldn’t be here begging for my help… and the answer is still no,” Hildy corrected.
Carol crossed her arms. “No, I meant demanding—because the Ba
ba Yaga does not beg. And if I thought you’d get hurt again, I’d be out looking for another healer witch to help, instead of bothering to argue with you. The only healer the shifters trust is you.”
Hildy closed her eyes and groaned in frustration before she opened them again. “You’re not going to stop bugging me until I say yes, are you?”
“Nope. I can’t stop,” Carol admitted, staring at her friend. “I’d spare you anything painful I could, but all the shifters in the world are in danger because of a problem that originated among the shifters in Assssssley. Pretty much everyone believes you’re the best hope any shifter has of surviving this.”
Rolling her eyes at Carol’s ass-kissing, Hildy fisted her hands on her hips. “Bloody toad balls, I don’t want to go back there.”
“Oh, come on. How in Morgana’s name can you pass up any chance to leave this horrible cave? What do you eat here—twigs and berries?”
Hildy chuckled, enjoying Carol’s disgust. “I’m completely vegetarian. It was a requirement of shifter healing work.”
“A pox on that, I say. Bring on the demons and the ineffective warlocks. Your food story makes me glad to be the Baba Yaga.”
“Well, I’m glad you got to be the Baba Yaga too. Alright,” Hildy said, running a hand through her messy hair. It hadn’t been cut and styled in two years. “Give me a few hours to pack up my things and let Gaia know what I’m doing. I suppose I need to find a place to stay in Assley.”
Carol held up a hand. “You focus on packing up and talking to Gaia. I’ll take care of your accommodations. I know the perfect place. It’s on the edge of town. You’ll have privacy for your work and the space you need to do it. I’ll scry the coordinates to you once I get everything arranged.”
Hildy nodded and then Carol blinked out of sight.
2
Still wearing the blanket and nothing else, Hildy transported to the place where Carol had indicated. She patted her slightly queasy stomach as she looked around. The land was nice. It did seem to be on the edge of town. And as Carol had said, the nearest neighbors were not in direct line of sight. She wondered how far away from the town of Assley they were.
Then her gaze landed on the house. Hildy didn’t know whether to laugh or head back to the cave. “Great Gaia in a hula dress. If Carol wasn’t the freaking Baba Yaga, I’d kick her sneaky witch ass. This dump looks exactly like a place a Shifter Ass-Kisser would live and one no self-respecting Shifter Whisperer would go near.”
Hildy considered herself an optimist, but the house belonged on a horror movie set, not in a picturesque forest setting. What once had been a beautiful white Victorian with red painted shutters and a large welcoming porch was now a grungy gray, run-down, lopsided mess.
But then who was she to judge? Her body was practically in the same condition after nearly two years of living in a cave. Her hand went to her hair again. It needed a cut and about six days of deep conditioning.
Sighing because her reality was sucking even more than usual, Hildy chanted over the bags and ordered them to follow her up the dilapidated sidewalk. Three loud meows ripped through the air as she reached the bottom of the steps. Three gigantic cats ran out the door and flung themselves down the steps at her feet.
Hildy laughed and stooped to pet them all. “Hi, guys. I see you haven’t been staying on your diets. You all look like butterballs.”
“Holy crap! Youse is back, Hildy. Weeze thought youse was never comin’ home,” Fat Bastard said in a choked kitty voice, throwing his body at Hildy’s again and this time knocking her down.
Under the cat’s massive weight Hildy fell on her butt and in losing her focus the bags fell behind her. “Damn it, Fat Bastard. There are breakables in those bags. I brought my spell vials with me.”
“Sorry, doll face. Weeze all missed you, but I think I missed youse most of all.”
“I know. I missed you too,” Hildy said, as she nodded and buried her face in each cat’s fur as she gave out hugs. Eventually, she untangled her blanket and got to her feet. Her tattoos still hurt, but she was managing to deal with the pain. “How bad is this creepy place on the inside?”
The cats turned and looked guiltily at each other. Fat Bastard hacked up a hairball, spat it out, and then turned to explain. “Well… weeze did what we could to make the shithole homey, but youse know we’ve been short on the magic sauce with youse gone from us so much. A familiar needs his witch to have his full power of bad-assery.”
Hildy nodded again and sighed heavily. “I hated being away from you all, but it couldn’t be helped. That’s all in the past though. I’m back for good. Gaia told me my training was over enough to move on to my work.”
“Dat’s great news, sweet cheeks. Weeze gots yer bags. Youse go on inside the crap hole. Might as well get it over with. I gots no idea why the Baba Yo-baggin-on-us put us here.”
Hildy chuckled in resignation. “I know. This place is awful. Is there at least water, electric, and some kind of bed?”
Fat Bastard nodded and twitched his whispers. “Yep. Dat I can safely confirm, but nothing else. The inside matches the out—total pile of crapola.”
“Fine. Okay. We won’t be staying long,” Hildy said firmly, lifting her chin as she started up the steps.
The porch creaked under her feet. Hildy winced as the screen door creaked too. The house door was pushed back and fully open. Hopefully, it would close and lock tonight.
Hildy laughed at the awfulness of everything and turned to the cats. “If flies start coming out of the walls in swarms, we’re leaving this shithole post-haste. Baba Badass can stay here if she wants. We’re not going to.”
“Dere are no flies, doll face,” Fat Bastard assured her. “And weeze got rid of all dem frogs, mice, and snakes. Now weeze did leave a big old bat in the attic. The flyin’ freak promised to help keep dem other squatters out. Figured dat was a good deal for me and the boys since it was cutting down on our work.”
Hildy nodded at Fat Bastard’s reassurances as she peered into the gloomy darkness. Was the house truly worse than Gaia’s cave? The answer was yes because Gaia’s energy was nowhere to be found in the house.
Hildy held the screen door for the cats who were squalling as they dragged her bags up the steps. “Put those in my bedroom—I guess.”
She fought a giggle as the cats struggled to drag the heavy bags down the dark hallway. They eventually disappeared into a room. There was no light down the hallway to see where they’d gone and Hildy dreaded having to sleep there later.
If there was electricity in the house, why in Gaia’s name didn’t it work?
Hildy stared at the place in disgust. “Damn it, Carol, you can’t expect me to stay in this dump.” As if she’d conjured her, Carol’s voice wafted to her.
“Oh, it’s not that bad. Just needs a little fixing up,” Carol called from the sidewalk before jogging up the porch steps. She pulled open the screen door and entered the hallway. “You’re a freaking witch, Hildy. Use your magic and fix this place up.”
“My magic is dedicated to a much higher purpose now. I can’t be wasting it fixing up this horror movie set you’re so cheerful about.”
Carol rolled her eyes. “Look, I’ll fix some of it, but I can’t do it all. I need my magic for other things too. I’ll improve the kitchen and make you a nice living room. How about that? Oh, and also the bathroom because phew, sister, you need a good dunking. You are all kinds of cave rank, and it may take days to soak all that ancient dirt off you.”
“Screw you. I don’t smell that bad. I smell like the forest.”
“No, thanks. Hate to turn you down, but I still prefer to be screwed by guys,” Carol said with a giggle. She outright laughed when Hildy punched her arm hard and sent her staggering. She rubbed the area and grinned. “I see you’ve gotten stronger. Nice punch there. The Amazons would be proud of you.”
“Healing requires extraordinary strength. If you’re not strong enough, taking on the pain of others can kill you. I’ve be
en weight-lifting with boulders and fallen trees.”
Carol sobered and nodded. “Wow. Sounds utterly horrible. Guess neither of us ended up with a cushy life, did we?”
“Guess not,” Hildy answered, suddenly feeling drained.
Carol put her arm around Hildy’s shoulders and then promptly withdrew it. “Nope. Still can’t hug you yet. You’re seriously too ripe.”
Hildy growled low in her throat. “Just fix up this dump and leave.”
The cats meowed as they returned to the hallway. “Bags are stashed, cupcake. Weeze is gonna draw you a lovely lavender salts bath now,” Fat Bastard called from down the hall.
The offer instantly brought tears to Hildy’s eyes. No one had taken care of her in a long, long time. “Thanks, guys. You’re the best familiars a witch could ever have,” she called gruffly down the hall.
Carol ignored the brimming tears in Hildy’s eyes and headed to the kitchen. Just how bad had the training with Gaia been? “I’m putting several cans of tuna in the cabinets. The cats deserve a treat today.”
At the door of the room, Carol stopped and held out her hands.
“Ancients of Earth and Goddess afar,
Lend me the power you get from the stars,
Fix this space to nourish my healer friend,
A modern kitchen with good food—please send.”
“Not a very elegant chant for the Great Baba Yaga,” Hildy teased.
“The words don’t matter as much as the intention, but it's the finish that really counts. Watch what Zenos taught me,” Carol ordered.
She loudly shouted a word in the language of the Ancients which echoed through the space like a shockwave. The kitchen instantly transformed into something that belonged in a decorating magazine. The giant wooden table in the center of it would seat at least twelve.
“Wow. Sorry, I ever doubted you,” Hildy whispered in awe.
Carol turned a beaming smile to her truest friend. “They don’t call me the Great One for nothing.”
Whole Lot Of Shiftin' Going On: Magic and Mayhem Universe (Baba Yaga Adventures) Page 2
