I let my eyes travel down his body and an appreciative sigh hums in my throat. I shake my head. No, Brooke! One of his arms is draped over his face but I can tell he’s still asleep. I look at the empty-beer-can-covered coffee table and shake my head. Must’ve been a rough night? No wonder he called me so many times. Clearly he was trashed. I pick up a few cans off his table and take them to the trash. “C’mon Bruno. You gotta go out, buddy?” I grab his leash and he pulls me out the back door into the yard.
I come back in minutes later. Conner is still asleep on the couch. He’s gonna want coffee when he wakes up.
****
Conner
A floral coffee smell fills my nose and jolts me awake. Brooke. She’s here. She’s got to be here. I sit up quickly and hear humming coming from the kitchen. A warm, soothing feeling washes over me. She’s okay. I smile to myself and let out a sigh of relief. I follow the smell to the kitchen and find her sitting at my table looking at her phone. There’s a fresh pot of coffee brewing and by the looks of it she’s already gotten herself a cup. I smile at how at home and comfortable she looks sitting there. Her long blonde curls are tied up in a large bun on top of her head but there are a few loose trindles that have escaped from the knot and frame her round face. She’s got her feet propped up on the chair beside her.
“I knew it was you. I could smell you as soon as I woke up.” She looks up from her phone and smiles at me before her expression quickly changes to disgust.
“Yeah, I can smell you too. You take down a case by yourself last night or what?” She asks, looking me up and down. I’m a little annoyed by her judgy comment but I’m so glad she’s here and safe that I let it go.
“Just about,” I respond, rubbing my hand through my hair. I make my way to the cupboard, pull out a mug and pour a cup of coffee. It tastes different from my usual coffee. It tastes… better. I look into my mug.
“What did you put in this?”
“Cinnamon,” she replies casually. “Sorry, I like to mix cinnamon into my coffee grounds. I think it tastes better.”
“Yeah, it’s good. Really good actually. I didn’t even know I had cinnamon,” I admit, taking another sip. She smiles up at me shaking her head and rolls her eyes. I love her what-would-you-do-without-me look.
“You also have soap. And running water,” she teases. Do I really smell that bad? Lifting my arm I take a whiff. Whew. Yeah, I could definitely use a shower. I smell like I’ve been sweating stale beer all night. And I probably have been.
“So what’s the big emergency? You really scared me, yano? I thought you were hurt,” she says looking at me. I feel a ping of anger start to rise inside of me. She thought I was hurt and didn’t even bother to pick up the phone or text me back?
“I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t. Thanks for calling me back by the way. I’m glad I wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere bleeding out and using my last moments to call you for help,” I snip at her. Wow. That came out a bit more dramatic than it sounded in my head. Brooke stares back at me. She looks a little guilty at first then looks angry. She narrows her eyes at me and is about to say something, but I interrupt her, “I’m sorry. That was a bit of an overreaction.” Her mouth closes. She seems satisfied with my apology.
“So what is it then? You said in your text that it was important.”
“Yeah…” I rub the back of my neck and take a seat across from her at the table. “Well I’ve gotta tell you something.”
“Okay…” she raises her eyebrows. Why was this so hard? I thought it would be easy to expose Ian for the scumbag he is but for some reason I am holding back. I know she cares for him and I don’t want to hurt her. I’ve got to choose my words wisely or this conversation is going to go to shit.
“Well first I have a confession to make but please don’t be mad.” I take her hand and she almost pulls away but lets me hold it as she eyes me suspiciously.
“Conner,” she says slowly. “What did you do?”
I exhale deeply. Here it goes. “Yesterday after my shift I drove to the city.”
“New York City?”
“Yes. New York City.”
“Okay…” she continues staring at me as if she is waiting for a bomb to drop.
“Well, we met up with this guy Mark to have some drinks.”
“We?” She stops me. Shit. I wasn’t planning to tell her that Gabe went with me. I didn’t want to throw him under the bus but it was too late now.
“Gabe and I. Mark is an old friend of Gabe’s,” I explain.
“Okay, Conner can you just get to the point.” I can tell she’s getting annoyed.
“Yeah, uh anyway. So we met with Mark for drinks and it turns out he is part of the same company that Ian transferred from.” I watch her body tense up and she starts to pull her hand away from me. Shit. She’s getting pissed already. I put my hands up at her in a calm-down manner but she doesn’t seem to be calming down. She crosses her arms in front of her chest and narrows her eyes at me.
“Listen, Mark told us that Ian has a history.” She rolls her eyes and laughs sarcastically, shaking her head.
“Everyone has a history. And what exactly was in Ian’s history that doesn’t meet the standards of the perfect Conner Smoak?” She didn’t even try to hide the attitude dripping from her words. She’s upset. And rightfully so. Maybe I crossed a line by tracking down Ian’s old company and asking questions about him but now I’m damn glad I did.
“Does he have an ex-girlfriend? Did he get a speeding ticket? Did he not earn a purple heart? What? What is it, Conner?!” She screams at me in a patronizing tone, rising higher off of her chair with every question. I can feel my anger building with hers.
Until finally, I slam my fists on the table and stand up. “He’s a woman beater, Brooke!” I finally scream back and she slides back down into her seat. Silent. Her large green eyes grow wide as she stares down at the table. “Mark said he has a long history of aggression towards women, a mean jealous streak, and his last two girlfriends have filed charges against him. That’s why he got a transfer. He was given a choice to either resign from their company with his dignity intact or he could transfer to another company. That’s what we were told.” I shake my head, “I’m sorry, Brooke.”
Her tear filled eyes gaze up at me through her long, dark lashes. She looks furious. What the hell? Is she mad at me?
“You’re sorry?” She growls, rising from her chair again and leaning over the table at me. “You’re sorry? You’re not sorry, Conner! Who the hell are you trying to fool? You hate Ian! You’ve hated him since the minute he got here. You hate that I’m dating Ian. You hate that he likes me and that he makes me happy.”
I stand too and move toward her. I want to calm her down but when I reach for her she jerks away from me. “Listen, Brooke. That’s not true at all. I just…”
“It is true!” She shouts over me, “I know you, Conner. Better than most. I know what it looks like when you’re jealous and you are. You are so jealous of Ian that you can’t stand it. You don’t even know what to do with yourself. And why? What do you possibly have to be jealous of him for? Because he was given the Captain position? Because I like him? Because I want to be with him? Don’t you see that he makes me so happy?” Her eyes fill with tears and they begin overflowing, streaming one by one down her cheeks. I want to take her in my arms. I know she’s hurting and I want to make it better. I want to squeeze the pain away.
“I don’t need you to protect me from him, Conner.” She steps closer to me, pointing her finger and backing me up against the counter. “You are the one I need protection from!” What? How could I…? “And you are so self-absorbed that you have never realized how completely twisted up you make me because I fucking love you.” Her tears flow faster and she turns away from me to hide her face. Wait… She loves me?
Her words hit me like a blow to the stomach. All the signs now make sense to me, all the dots start connecting at once as if I’m seeing everything for the first
time through some high-tech decoder lens. I’m left breathless. Speechless. I don’t know what to say to her. She loves me. A tingling warmth washes through me and I want to take her in my arms again.
“You have been tearing me apart inside, Conner,” she says. Her voice calmer now, but she still won’t look at me. “I have loved you for as long as I can remember but you, our friendship, it's so important to me. I couldn’t jeopardize it. And… I’ve seen how women are disposable to you… If you were to dispose of me like that…” She pauses and finally looks into my eyes. Her expression knocks the air from my lungs. It's that look. The pleading look that makes my entire body feel vulnerable. The look that would bring me to my knees if I wasn’t bracing myself on the counter top. And now I finally know what she has been telling me with that look. I’m breaking her heart.
“It has been absolute torture being your friend, Conner. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to be this close to you all the time feeling the way I feel about you and knowing I can’t do anything about it? To watch you night after night with different women.” Her eyes start to fill with tears again.
I need to hold her. I reach out for her again and she tries to pull away but this time I don’t let her. I easily overpower her and press her against me. As soon as her face hits my chest she starts to sob. I hold her tightly against me and rub the back of her head with my hand. I feel sick to my stomach. Tears start to build in my eyes as well surprising me but I hold them in. I don’t know what to do with this information. I just hold her still against me and let her cry.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Brooke,” I whisper into her hair. My voice is shaky and I think I’m shaking too but I can’t quite tell. “I had know idea. I never meant to hurt you.” I hear her sniffle as she pulls her head away from my chest. I feel a cold breeze run across it as the air hits the wetness her tears have left behind.
“I didn’t want to tell you.” She finally said, “I didn’t want to ruin what we have but it is killing me inside. And now that I have Ian I think I can finally get over you.” Her hands are flat against my chest and I feel her start to push herself away from me. I want to hold onto her tightly. I don’t want to let her go but I release my grip slightly.
“But Ian. His history. You know what he’s capable of Brooke. Don’t be stupid.”
“He’s never hurt me, Conner. And if he ever tries I can handle it. I’m a big girl. I need you to stop trying to protect me all the time and let me take care of myself. I don’t know how to move on from you and keep our friendship intact if you keep interfering like this.”
I let out a sigh of frustration. I don’t want to stop protecting her. Especially not now when there’s a real threat.
“It’s not going to be easy for you but please try to keep in mind. I fought my urges for the sake of our friendship for years. And now I’m asking you to please do the same for me. I just want to be happy too, Conner. Please don’t jeopardize that for me.”
I pull her tightly back into my chest and hug her. This time she wraps her arms around me and hugs me back. I inhale her floral scented shampoo deeply as if she’s saying goodbye to me. As if this is the last time I’ll be able to breath in that sweet smell. I kiss the top of her head and breathe, “Okay, Brooke. I’ll try.”
Two
Brooke
Part of me hoped that he wouldn’t agree to it. That he was going to fight for me and tell me he wanted to be the one to make me happy. Part of me wanted him to tell me he was in love with me too. And yet, another part of me feared that response more than anything else and is glad that he didn’t. In these last few minutes I’ve experienced a range of emotions so broad I’m still trying to figure out how it is even possible. You’re a fucking mess, Brooke.
I keep my arms wrapped tightly around him. Even when it’s mixed with a morning-after-hangover smell, his scent is still my favorite thing in the world. I press my face against his bare chest and breathe him in. Somehow, it feels like this embrace has the ability to freeze time. Like if I don’t let go I never have to move beyond this moment. I want to let go. I want to put some distance between us so I can start to process everything but at this moment I’m terrified. I’m terrified to know what our relationship will look like after I’ve actually let him go. I don’t know if I’m ready to face a world where I’m not completely obsessed with Conner Smoak.
I feel my breathing grow faster and his grip on me grows tighter. I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I just told Conner that I love him. And his reaction is to hold me. It feels like the weight of a mountain has just been lifted off of my shoulders. I’ve never realized how heavily that secret had been weighing on my body. But suddenly it has all been lifted away and strangely enough, I feel almost too light. Empty. Like a void has now been created. Like I’m missing a part of me. My heart is pounding. My hands are shaking. But reluctantly I loosen my hold on him and put both my hands flat against his chest. He seems just as reluctant to loosen his arms from around me.
This confession has just stirred up a whole new feeling in my body. As if saying it out loud to him for the first time or the fear of having to really let him go has somehow made my feelings more real. At this moment they’re almost tangible. I can’t pinpoint where it came from but my desire for him is mounting by the second and seems to grow more rapidly with his breathing. Is he feeling this too? The passion and tension that has just built up between us is engaging every one of my senses. I can feel goosebumps spreading all over. I feel his grip on my arms tighten. My heart seems like it’s about to pound straight out of my chest and I wonder for a moment if he can feel my heart beating against him. But with my hand now resting on his bare chest, I can feel his heart beating as hard as mine.
He does feel this too. I want to kiss him. I want him to kiss me. I want him to claim me, own me, body and soul. I watch my fingertips begin to curl into his chest as if trying to hold on or pull him in closer. I allow my eyes to fall shut and lean further into his embrace. His arms wrap tightly around me again. I rest my forehead on his chest and begin gently rubbing my lips back and forth across it. I hear him inhale sharply and feel his fingers press firmly into my back. He wants me too. Everything below my waist tingles and clenches at his touch, his smell.
Where did this come from? How did this moment turn so hot? He slips one of his hands to the side of my neck and with his thumb he lifts my chin toward his face but I keep my eyes cast down. I feel a chill run up my spine at his touch. I take a deep breath in then feel his soft warm lips pressing firmly against mine. An explosion of sensations escape throughout my body and a small moan escapes my mouth as he leans deeper into the kiss, bending me backwards slightly as he does. I feel his hand ball a fist full of my shirt behind me as he grips it tightly, using his grasp to hold me close against him. My hands travel to either side of his face, running my fingers through the scruff on his cheeks. Everything about this feels right. Feels amazing. Feels perfect. Oh, my God this is happening. This isn’t some fantasy or dream. This is real. This is happening. I want to stay here in this place of perfection and bliss forever… but I know I can’t. This isn’t right. As much as I want it to be. It’s not. I just started seeing Ian.
I need to leave. I need to process what I just said to Conner. I need to process what he just said to me. I can’t think things through when my adrenaline is beating through me like this. I can’t even begin to try and think straight when I’m trying so hard to suppress these raw emotions I have for him. I pull away from his embrace and try not to look at him. If I look at him I’ll get lost in those bedroom blues and melt into his arms again. And who knows what else.
I abruptly turn toward the door. He doesn’t say anything else as I leave. Instead he just stands there and watches me. Breathless. Once I’m in my car I feel like I can breathe again. I start my car and drive. The further away from him I get the more relaxed I begin to feel. I’m not even sure where I’m going. I just know I need to keep putting distance between us. Before I
know it I’m on the highway. No particular destination in mind. Just driving.
I have a strong need to feel completely free. Not tied down by anything. I pull my hair free from my tie, shake it loose, and put my window down. The warm breeze feels amazing against my face. My long hair whips around as the wind rushes through it. It’s going to be a mess to try to brush through later but I don’t care. Right now I’m riding out a high brought on by confessing my love to Conner and relieving myself of the weight I’ve been carrying around with me for close to ten years.
****
I drive for over an hour before deciding on where I want to go. I spot a sign for the Central Park Zoo then pull the directions up on my GPS. It takes me another hour to get there but I don’t care. It’s refreshing to be so far away from my little town. To be so far away from Conner. I wander around and watch the different animals. I find myself admiring the simplicity of their lives. I haven’t been here since I was a little girl. It seems smaller than I remember but still very peaceful. I make my way past the Tropic Zone into the Temperate Territory. Finally after about an hour of moseying I make it to the Sea Birds.
I can’t hide my smile as I find a spot next to their exhibit and watch them wide eyed. I didn’t realize there were so many different kinds of penguins here and I feel like a bit of a lousy penguin fanatic when I realize I don’t know the different species. I make mental notes of the ones I do know as my eyes scan the scene. King penguins. I know these because of the yellow on their chest. These were the penguins that were in the documentary Conner and I watched together. My eyes keep scanning until they stop on the small species with yellow, spiked feathers on top of their heads. Rockhoppers. My smile grows wide. I used to joke with Conner that if he were a penguin he would be a rockhopper because he had the matching spiky hair. I turn back toward the king penguins again. A small grin forms as I watch them. I want to be reminded of Ian. They seem big and tough and sophisticated. I watch them closely and try to find characteristics that I can relate back to Ian. I love their little tuxedos. No, countershading is what Conner had called it before.
There's Heat: A Friends to Lovers Romance Page 2
