by Keary Taylor
Kale needs you, Kaylee texts me back a few seconds later. And just cause you’re not blood or married doesn’t mean that you aren’t family.
I take a deep breath, letting it out slow and hard.
“He needs someone he loves right now,” Tony says from behind the wheel. “That’s you, Whitney.”
Emotion pricks at the back of my eyes. I give a little nod as they well. “Yeah,” I whisper.
So, I open the door. I walk up the sidewalk. I knock on the door. And I wait.
It’s Sage who opens the door. I’ve never seen her looking so un-put together. Her hair is in a crazy mess on top of her head. She wears loose black silk pants and a flowy white shirt that looks like she’s been wearing for a few days. No more make up remains on her face, and her eyes are swollen and red.
“Hey,” she says and surprises me by enveloping me in a hug. “Thank you for coming.”
“Of course,” I say as my eyes well again. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t come sooner.”
“You’re here now, and that’s what matters,” Sage says and her voice breaks just a bit. “Come on in. Everyone is here.”
Sage lets me go and steps aside so I can walk in.
I’ve never been in the McCain home before. As I look around, see the pictures on the walls, see height measurements in the doorway to the kitchen, see the worn-out carpet and the sagging couch, I can imagine all the happy memories that must have taken place within these walls.
But right now, everything is drowning in sadness.
Julian stands in the living room, his hands in his pockets.
“Hey,” he says, crossing over to pull me into a hug. “Glad you could make it.”
With every hug, with every member of this amazing family that I’m reunited with, my eyes grow more and more red.
I can’t even say anything, there’s too much emotion in my throat. I just nod and try to offer him a tiny smile.
I see Lake through the kitchen off to the side in the dining area. I walk in and see Riley with her forehead on the table, her arms crossed over her head like a crown.
“Hi,” I finally manage. What do you say in this situation?
“Thanks for coming,” Lake says without getting up. He has a hand on Riley’s back and rubs it gentle and slow. “We’ve been hoping you’d get here in time.”
“I’m really sorry it took me so long,” I say, awkwardly standing in the doorway. “How are you feeling, Riley?” It’s a dumb question, but, it’s something.
She just sniffs and shakes her head without lifting it.
“The morning sickness has been really bad lately,” Lake offers instead. “Plus all the emotion of what’s been going on. It’s been a rough week.”
“I’m sure.”
And then someone else is hugging me. I turn around to find Kaylee.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she says, looking up at me with red eyes. “Thank you so much for coming.”
I hug her back, not saying much. Drake follows next and hugs the both of us, kissing my temple like I’m his little sister, even though I’m an inch taller than him.
“You should go see Kale,” Drake says as his eyes well. But he’s trying really hard to hold it all in. “It would do him some good to see you.”
“Okay,” I say as one tear leaks out onto my cheek. I brush it away as we all let go of each other.
I’m not familiar with this house, but I can follow the wake of grief toward the back of the house. To the master bedroom. Where I find Robert, sleeping on the bed, hooked up to all kinds of medical devices. Where there’s Robin, sleeping in a chair in the corner, her head slumped over onto her shoulder. She looks like she’s aged fifteen years since I last saw her.
And there I find Kale. He sits in a chair next to Robert. He holds his father’s hand in his, rubbing a thumb back and forth over his wrinkled skin.
I watch them for a moment, standing here silently. They look so much alike. With those lips and those deep eyes. The strong jawline. Father and youngest son.
It’s enough to break my heart.
I cross to Kale’s side and crouch next to him.
His eyes slowly shift over to me. He blinks once.
And then his composure is lost.
“Whitney,” he breathes as his face crumples, his eyes well, and the sobs come. He lets go of his dad’s hand and falls into my arms. He sobs, big breathy pulls for air. “My dad. He’s not allowed to die. He’s supposed to be the strong one who always has the answers to everything. He’s not supposed to die.”
“I know,” I say, running a hand through Kale’s hair. “It’s not fair. It’ll never be fair.”
And I hold Kale as he breaks all over again.
About three and a half years ago, Robert McCain went in for a checkup. Once men get to a certain age, they start checking for certain things. And things were found. Six non-cancerous polyps were removed. They knew to watch things closely. So he was checked every year. And there was nothing. Until this last checkup.
According to Robin, Robert hadn’t been feeling well since before Lake and Riley’s wedding. But he never said a word. He thought he could wait until his appointment. But by then, it was too late. The cancer had been growing for months, and it spread everywhere.
Life slips away so fast.
Even a grown man is allowed to cry himself to sleep when his father is dying.
Kale and I go to his room, and we don’t say anything and I just let him hold me so hard I know I’ll be bruised all over. But it doesn’t matter. Cause he needs me and I can help hold his pain if that’s what he needs.
Eventually somewhere around two in the afternoon, he falls asleep. And I just lie there with him, until Sage opens the door and waves me out into the hall. If she was a mess before, it’s nothing compared to what she is right now.
“Dad’s awake,” she says as she hugs herself tight. “He’s been having everyone come in. He’s been saying goodbye to everyone. I think he knows it’s going to be tonight. But,” she sniffs hard. She pulls a tissue from her pocket and wipes at her nose. “But he’s asking to talk to you.”
I want to say me? What could he have to say to me? I’m not family, and he barely knows me. But I don’t. Because that’s not okay. And I’m honored that he has anything to say to me. “Okay.”
She follows me down the hall to the bedroom. And she surprises me once again when she pulls me into a hug. She offers a small smile when she lets go, and I walk into the bedroom and close the door.
“Hey there, little star,” Robert says with a weak smile. “Why don’t you have a seat right here?” He pats the bed next to him.
“Okay,” I say quietly. My heart is racing. What am I going to say? What will he say?
“You don’t have to look so scared,” he chuckles. “I promise I’m not going to bite you. I may have had plenty of bark out on the football field, but I’m really a bit of a pushover.”
I laugh quietly with him. “Sorry. I just…”
“Just thought you’d have a more casual go of eventually getting to know Kale’s father,” he fills in when I don’t know how to.
“Something like that,” I say as there’s that bite, once again, at the back of my eyes.
“Your life has been going by at an accelerated rate lately,” he says with a bit of a wheeze. “Why should this part be any different?”
“Because it’s not fair,” I say with a shake of my head. “Not to your family.”
“Life isn’t meant to be fair,” he says. “It is meant to be lived to the fullest, and I’ve done just that.”
I give a small smile. “I like that.”
He reaches over with a shaky hand and takes mine in his. Lake got his hands. They’re large and well weathered. Meant for hard work and comfort.
“My son has been on a huge roller coaster up and down for the past five years of his life. He’s had friends who tried to drag him down into their pit of bad mistakes. He’s had parents who just wanted the best for him,
but didn’t understand how to support him in his dreams. Then he rocketed to the top and everyone wanted a piece of him.”
He coughs, and I am ready to have to call for help, but it’s just twice and he settles back down. “Kale has always looked happy on the outside. He’s got that confidence like nothing can ever touch him. He loves life and he makes the most of it. But a father knows when there’s something hollow inside your child. When there’s a void where true happiness should be.”
He squeezes my hand and I’m surprised at the strength there. “You came and filled that void in him, Whitney. He’s hurting right now, and if I had to guess, he’s going to be hurting for a while after I go. But you filled something in him that was missing. And I wasn’t sure he’d ever find something real like that. So even if he doesn’t seem like himself for a while, don’t let him go. Because he’s going to come out of it all sometime, and he needs you there waiting for him.”
My eyes have welled hard and a few tears leak out onto my cheeks. “Thank you, Robert.” Another tear falls to my face and I absentmindedly brush it away. “I love your son. I haven’t been able to tell him yet, but I know that now. I love him with more than I thought I was capable of. And I’m going to be there as long as he needs me.”
Robert smiles and squeezes my hand once again. “And that’s all a father can ask for his baby son. Take care of him. He just needs love. That’s all he’s ever wanted his whole life.”
“I can do that,” I promise him.
“Thank you.” He coughs once more and I know this is as much time as I’m going to get. And I am ever so grateful for it. I stand from the bed, lean over, and press a kiss to his forehead.
“I hear he finally got some sleep, but would you mind going and getting him for me?” Robert asks with no regrets in his eyes.
“Of course,” I say as I open the door.
“Remember,” he calls. “He just needs love.”
“I will.”
Kale goes in to talk with his father for a long time. Longer than anyone else got.
Robin goes in last. She’s in there for twenty minutes is all. Everyone waits in the living or dining room, like we’re collectively holding our breath before one final giant sob at the end.
The mother of this amazing family comes out at ten in the evening. She informs everyone that Robert is still somewhat coherent, but he’s fading fast. She wants everyone to come in for a big family prayer.
The look she gives me when she says everyone tells me I’m expected there, too. And I’m so grateful for that.
We all stand around his bed and Robert gives us a weak smile. Sage holds one of his hands, Robin the other. And we all hold each other’s hands. Kale to one side of me, Paisley on the other. There’s Julian, and Lake, Riley, and Drake. Lucian, Quinn and Afton. And Kaylee offers a prayer.
It’s beautiful. It’s simple. It’s full of gratitude and love.
At twelve-forty-one, Robert McCain passes into the next life.
CHAPTER TWENTY
“Do you think he’s watching us up there?” Kale asks.
I look up at those stars above us and pull myself tighter into Kale’s side. It’s freezing cold out here. We lie on an extremely outdated trampoline in the back yard. We’ve got a nest of pillows and blankets wrapped around us, but it’s still the latter half of October and this is Washington, after all.
“I don’t know if he’s up there,” I say quietly as I gaze at the stars. “But I think our loved ones stay with us. Somehow.”
“Yeah,” he says. He rubs a hand up and down my back absentmindedly. “I think so. I didn’t think about it much before now. But I think that somehow he still knows what we’re doing.”
“I think so, too.”
The funeral was yesterday evening. Friday. The attendance was huge. Largely staff from Woodinville High School. He’d been there so long, he made a lot of connections and friends. And there were so many of his past football team members. And, of course, all the family.
Everyone spoke of Robert McCain’s quiet strength. Of his wise words. Of his firm and helping hand. There were so many tears, but there was also laughter and smiles.
It’s hard to only cry at the goodbye of a well-loved, wonderful man.
And now here we are. Saturday night. Everyone has gone home. Drake and Kaylee took the kids back to their beds. Sage and Julian back to Bellevue. Riley and Lake to the ranch. So now it’s just Kale and I here with Robin. She went to bed an hour ago. We checked on her before we came outside. She was fast asleep.
“I wish I could have gotten to know him better,” I sigh, still staring at the stars.
“Yeah,” Kale breathes out. He runs his hand over my back again.
Kale is right here with me, holding me and keeping the chill away. But it feels as if he’s a million miles away.
And that’s okay. I’ll just be waiting here, for when he comes back.
“If I get a chance, I’ll be back,” I say as Kale drives Tony and I back to the airport the next morning. “I don’t know if Elysium will let me, but I’ll try.”
“Okay,” Kale says as he stares out the front window, at the light traffic ahead.
I wait for him to say anything else. To say that he’s still planning on going on that first week of the tour with me. To say that he’ll meet me back down in LA, maybe a few days after the album releases.
But he doesn’t say anything. And I feel selfish that it scares me that he doesn’t.
I have to go back to LA. With the release of the album only nine days away, Elysium is freaking out about my being out of touch. There aren’t even serious repercussions if I don’t come back now. It isn’t a feasible option to not come back. It’s down to do or die.
This is my life now, and they own me.
I don’t want to go. I want to be here, helping Kale, helping the McCains in any way that I possibly can. But it’s becoming clear that there isn’t much good I’m doing.
Kale is just quiet and stoic. He doesn’t talk much, and I don’t have the right abilities to pry anything out of him.
So maybe what he needs right now is just some space. At least, I’m going to hope that will help. That and time.
“I’ll call you when I land?” I ask. And I hate that I form it as a question, like I’m unsure if he wants me to call him or not. Cause I’m not.
“Yeah,” he says as we pull up to the curb at the drop off area. “Do that.”
“Okay,” I say, trying to feel relieved. I lean over the center console, and he does give me a quick kiss. Not the kind I want, but it’s his lips on mine.
There’s a million more words I feel I should offer. I write songs at the drop of the hat. The words just come out like turning on a valve. But right now? How do I express my grief and my fears and every uncertainty I’m feeling right now? There just aren’t the right words.
So, when Tony calls for me, because he’s unloaded our bags, I just climb out of the car. I wave goodbye. And just like that, Kale drives away.
“Do you think he’s going to come back to me from this?” I don’t mean to say the words out loud. But there they are, put out for all the world to hear how scared I am.
And it’s like a knife to the heart when Tony doesn’t say anything. Not a single word of reassurement.
Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday.
I shut off everything that normally makes me Whitney. The silly nature. The search for something beautiful and different. The awkward charm. I turn it all off. And I’m just get-it-all-done Whitney.
I am a model of an employee. My bosses tell me what to do. Hadley. Matt. Veronica. The executives. Elysium. The whole freaking world. I do what they want. I smile. I talk. I greet people. I stand in front of a camera. I go to an awards show to show my face.
Cause I don’t want to think about anything.
Anything.
Because the second I start being me again, I start feeling sick.
So this is just easier.
“Are you okay?” Hadley
asks as Tony drives us home Wednesday night. “You don’t seem like yourself.”
“I’m fine,” I say without looking at her. I put on that fake smile I’ve been practicing, but I don’t turn to face her.
“Are you sure?” she asks. The concern rolls off her in thick, suffocating waves. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re not okay. That was a pretty hard blow. How’s Kale, by the way?”
My heart skips a beat or two before giving a painful twist. “He’s good.”
But it’s a total lie.
Because he picked up the phone when I landed and called him. It was about like talking to a wall. A really flat one.
But that’s the only time he’s answered this entire time.
I try to tell myself that he just needs that space everyone talks about. He just needs some time to deal. That in a few more days, he’ll call me out of the blue and he’ll say he just couldn’t cope but now he’s ready to come back to LA and be with me.
But it’s been a long stretch of silence.
And…
And just…
“I’m fine,” I say to the car’s window. “We’re fine.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The gray morning follows the orange-haze night. Shadows creep across the ceiling. Every once in a while, there’s the sound of a car whizzing by. The sound of footsteps down the hall as someone heads to a destination this morning.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here for. After tossing and turning for so long, I finally grabbed my phone and plugged in the earbuds. So here I lie, staring at the ceiling, listening to the soundtrack from Moulin Rouge, and thinking of molecular biology. Of how cells split and I wonder if that’s a painful process, and then think how stupid that is. Cells can’t feel pain.
I jump hard when my phone, which is lying on my chest, starts vibrating. Once my heart calms down that it’s just a call, I look down to see Drake’s name on the screen.
“Drake?” I answer. My voice reflects all the shock I feel inside.
“Thank Zeus almighty you answered,” he spills out all in a rush. There’s emergency and emotion in his voice. “I’m sorry, I know it’s early, but I just… I thought you would want to know.”
