But it wasn’t alright. What Raina had just shown me would never be alright. Merle carried me into the bathroom, and I didn’t protest. Caleb wet a cloth and put it on my forehead without a word of teasing. A small miracle, but not the one we needed.
31
RAINA HAD GONE , fled laughing, pleased with herself. God, I hated that woman. I’d already killed her; it wasn’t like I could do anything else to her, but I wanted to. I wanted her to hurt like she’d hurt so many others, but I guess it was a little late for that.
Dr. Lillian was shining a tiny light in my eyes and trying to get me to follow her fingers. I wasn’t doing a good enough job apparently, because she wasn’t happy. “You are in shock, Anita, and so is Gregory. He was a little shocky before you began, but damn it.”
I blinked and tried to focus on her. My eyes just couldn’t settle on anything, as if the world were trembling, but that made no sense. Maybe I was the one that was trembling? I couldn’t tell. I clutched the cover they’d put around me, huddling on my white couch amid the multicolored pillows, and couldn’t get warm. “What are you saying, doc?”
“I’m saying that Gregory’s chances are worse than fifty-fifty now.”
I blinked and fought to look at her, meet her eyes, to think. “How bad?”
“Seventy-thirty, maybe. He’s curled on the deck in a blanket, shivering worse than you are.”
I shook my head, and couldn’t seem to stop. I closed my eyes, forced myself to be still for a second, a heartbeat. I spoke without opening my eyes. “I saw . . . how did Gregory heal . . .” I stopped, tried again. “How did he survive . . . what she did to him?”
“We can regrow any body part short of decapitation, unless fire is added to the wound to close it. We can’t heal burns, unless the burned flesh is completely removed, in effect making a new wound.” Her voice was bitter, fierce. I’d never heard her so angry.
I looked up at her. “What’s wrong with you?”
Lillian looked down, wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I was the doctor on call the night she did that to Gregory. I saw the reality, not just a memory.”
I shook my head, and had to bury my chin on my knees to stop the movement. “It isn’t a memory with the munin, doc, it’s real. It’s like . . . it’s like a live-action movie, but with me in the movie.” I hugged my knees and tried desperately not to think, not to revisit what I’d experienced. I was actually having some luck being absolutely blank. Even my mind had finally found something so terrible it couldn’t cope with it. In a bizarre way, it was comforting. I’d finally found a line that I could not cross.
“If I try to force Gregory into animal form now, it’ll probably kill him,” Dr. Lillian said.
I buried my face into my knees, hiding. I spoke with my mouth buried against the thick covers. “I can’t try again.”
“No one is asking you to call that bitch again.”
“Anita.” It was Nathaniel.
It wasn’t his voice that made me look up, it was the rich, bitter smell of coffee. I found him holding my baby penguin mug full of fresh coffee. It was very pale, lots of sugar, lots of cream; good for shock. Hell, good for everything.
He helped me rescue my hands from the blanket and wrap them around the mug. I held the mug tight, and it took several seconds to realize I was burning my hands. I didn’t panic, just handed the mug back to Nathaniel. He took it, and I stared at my pink, red hands. I had first-degree burns, and I hadn’t felt the heat until it was too late.
“Damn,” I said, softly.
Lillian sighed. “I’ll get some ice.” She left us alone.
Nathaniel knelt in front of me, being careful not to spill the coffee. Merle and Cherry glided into the living room while I was still staring at my reddened hands. Cherry sat beside me on the couch. She was still nude, but it didn’t matter. Nothing seemed to matter. Merle stayed standing, and I didn’t even bother trying to look up at him. All I could see were the silver toes of his boots.
“Nathaniel said that you touched his beast when you marked his back,” Cherry said.
I blinked at her, meeting her pale eyes. I nodded. I remembered a shining moment, after I’d marked his back actually, where I’d felt his beast roiling under the touch of my power, and I’d been sure I could call that part of him, make him shapeshift for me. I was still nodding, and made myself stop, saying, “I remember.”
Lillian came back out and applied bags of ice wrapped in a small towel to my hands. “Try not to hurt yourself for a few minutes. I’m going back to check on Gregory.” She left me with the three leopards and my ice.
“If you touched Nathaniel’s beast, there’s a chance you could call Gregory’s now.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
Cherry gripped my arm. “Don’t fall apart on us now, Anita, Gregory needs you.”
The first flare of anger pushed through the shock. “I have done my fucking best for him tonight.”
She dropped her hand away from my arm, but didn’t look away. “Anita, please, Merle thinks you may be strong enough to call Gregory’s beast, even before your first full moon.”
I clutched the towel-covered ice to my chest. The sudden cold across my nearly naked chest helped clear my head. “I thought that wasn’t possible before I shifted for the first time.”
“With you, Anita,” Merle said, “I would be a fool to say what you can and can’t do.”
I let the ice fall on the coverlet in my lap and looked up at the big man. “Why the change of heart? I failed Gregory out there on the deck.”
“You risked yourself for one of your cats. It is the very best a Nimira-Ra, or -Raj, has in them, to take great risks for their people.”
I touched the towel, found one corner wet, and knew the plastic bag hadn’t sealed completely. I moved the bag rightside up so it wouldn’t spill anymore. “What do you want from me?” My voice sounded as tired as I felt.
Merle knelt in front of me, and I met his eyes. There was a look in them that I didn’t want right now. He seemed to trust me, and I didn’t feel trustworthy. I felt scared.
“Call Gregory’s beast.”
“I don’t know how. When I was with Nathaniel, it was . . .” I sighed.
“It was sexual,” Cherry finished for me.
I nodded. “I am not trying for that kind of mood with Gregory again tonight. I don’t think either he, or I, could handle it if it went wrong again.”
“Calling the beast doesn’t have to be sexual,” Merle said.
I met his strangely trusting gaze. I was beyond tired. I just didn’t have anything left tonight, not for Gregory. I did not want to touch him again tonight. Part of me was afraid that Raina would make an unplanned appearance, though I knew that was almost impossible for her now. I did have better control than that. But . . . “How can I ever touch Gregory again and not remember that?”
“I don’t know,” Cherry said, “but please, Anita, please help him.”
“How do I call his beast without getting in the mood?” I asked.
“You need to talk to someone who can call the beast from their people,” Merle said.
I looked at him. “You got someone in mind?”
“I am told your Ulfric can call the beast from his wolves.”
I nodded. “So I hear.”
“If he called a wolf into form, while you watched, then he might be able to show you how to do it.”
“You really think it will work?” I asked him.
“I don’t know,” he said, “but isn’t it worth trying?”
I handed him the leaking bag of ice. “Sure, if Richard will come.”
Nathaniel answered that one. “Richard blames himself for Gregory’s injuries. If we offer him a chance to heal him, he’ll come.”
I stared at Nathaniel, watched the intelligence in those flower-colored eyes. It was one of the most insightful things I’d ever heard him say. It gave me just a little hope, that indeed Nathaniel could be made whole—that he was getting better
. I needed some hope just then, but it was still unnerving for Nathaniel to know Richard so well, to be that observant. It meant that I’d underestimated Nathaniel. I kept equating submissiveness with being inferior, and that wasn’t really the case. Some people choose to be bottoms, to serve; it doesn’t make them less, just different. I looked into his face and wondered what else I’d missed, or what else he’d show me? It was a night for revelations, so why the hell not have Richard join us? How much worse could it get? Please, no one answer that.
32
I BRUSHED MY teeth and sat at the kitchen table in the dark, drinking coffee while we waited. Nathaniel padded barefoot into the room, his hair swinging loose around his bare chest and the jean shorts he’d put on.
“How’s Gregory?” I asked.
“Dr. Lillian put an IV in him, to help with the shock, she said.” He stopped beside the table, not quite in front of me.
“An IV. Richard will be here within an hour or less. If she put an IV in then . . .” I let my voice trail off.
Nathaniel finished for me. “Gregory’s very hurt.”
I looked up at him in the darkened kitchen. The only light was the small one over the sink. It left most of the room in thick shadows. “You don’t mean the injuries he got from the wolves, do you?”
He shook his head, all that hair sliding around his body. A long heavy strand slid over one shoulder, and he tossed his head to flip it back behind him. I’d never been around a man that had such long hair, who was so comfortable with it.
“He kept talking about Raina,” Nathaniel said, “kept swearing under his breath.” His voice had dropped low, almost a whisper. He was staring over my head at things I couldn’t see, and probably didn’t want to.
I touched his arm. “You alright?”
He looked down at me, smiled, but not like he was happy. He moved his hand so he was holding mine. His grip was tight like he needed the comfort.
“Talk to me, Nathaniel.”
“I gave you copies of three of my movies.” He smiled, wide this time, before I could say anything. “I know you’ve never watched them. When I gave them to you, I still thought you were like Gabriel and Raina, that it had to be sex, that you would like that they were porn. I understand now that you’ll take care of us no matter what, not because you lust after us or because you love one of us, but just—because.” He went to his knees, still holding my hand, pressing it against his chest with both his own. He laid his head on my lap, his face turned away from me. I moved a thick line of hair away from his face, so I could see his profile as he leaned against me.
We sat there for a few moments, me waiting for him to continue, him maybe waiting for me to prompt him, but the silence wasn’t strained. One of us would fill it when we were ready, and we both knew that. He was the one who sighed, keeping one hand on my hand, pressed to him, his other hand curling around my leg. I could feel the beat of his heart against the back of my hand.
“I did more movies than just those three. Most of them with Raina. Gabriel wouldn’t let her have me as a lover, or a slave. I think he knew she’d kill me, but on film where things could be controlled . . .” He hugged his body against mine, clinging.
“What happened?” I said, softly.
“She did that to Gregory on her own, as a kind of . . . fun. But when he survived it, she wanted to do a version of it on film.”
I went very still for a second or two. I think I stopped breathing, because when my breath finally did come out, it shook. “You?” I made it a question.
He nodded his head, cheek still pressed to my thigh. “Me.”
I stroked his hair, stared down into that young face. He was six years younger than me, almost seven, but it seemed like there should have been decades between us. He was so much a victim, so much anyone’s meat.
“Gregory wouldn’t do it again, said he’d kill himself first, and Gabriel must have believed him.”
I kept petting his hair because I didn’t know what else to do. What do you say while someone whispers horrors in your ear, tells you their most intimate, nightmarish secrets? You sit and you listen. And you give them the only thing you can—the silence and the safety to talk and to be heard.
His voice dropped soft, softer, until I had to lean my face over his to hear him. “They chained me down, and I knew the script. I knew what was about to happen, and I was excited. The fear made the anticipation almost unbearable.”
I laid my cheek against his, felt his mouth move as he spoke, and I kept very, very quiet. I had nothing to offer but my silence, and my touch.
He whispered, “I like teeth, biting, I like a lot of damage. It was wonderful until . . .” He closed his eyes, turned his face into my jeans, as if even now he couldn’t look at the memory. I had lifted my head up when he moved, but laid a gentle kiss on the back of his head. “It’s okay, Nathaniel, it’s okay.”
He said something, but I couldn’t understand it.
“What?”
He moved his head just enough so that his mouth wasn’t buried against my leg. “God, it hurt. She took it in pieces, wanted it to last longer than it had with Gregory.”
His whole body gave one great shiver, and I leaned over him, my free hand across his back, smoothing the hair away so I could reach his skin. I stroked over his back, and found all the little bite marks I’d left in his skin. I hadn’t felt bad for marking him, until now. Now I felt like I’d used him like everyone else had.
I curled my body over his, hugging him into my lap, holding him as close as I could. “I am sorry, Nathaniel, so sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Anita. You’ve never hurt me.”
“Yes, I have.”
He raised up enough to meet my eyes. He looked so young, eyes wide. “I love that you’ve marked me, don’t be sorry about that.” He gave a small smile. “If you start feeling guilty about it, you won’t do it again, and I want you to, I want that very much.”
“If I feed on you, Nathaniel, for the ardeur, or the flesh, or whatever, I’m using you. I don’t use people.”
He held my hand so tight that it almost hurt. “Don’t do this to me.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t punish me for telling you about how Raina hurt me.”
“I’m not punishing you.”
“I tell you this horrible thing, and you start feeling protective of me, and guilty. I know you, Anita, you’ll let your head get in the way of what we both need.”
“And what exactly is that?” And even I could hear the impatience, almost anger, in my voice.
He raised up farther, bringing his face close to mine, because I’d sat up, distancing myself from him. “You need to feed the ardeur, and I need to have a place to belong.”
“You are welcome in my house as long as you need it, Nathaniel.”
He shook his head, pushing the hair back impatiently, letting go of my hand, putting his hands on my knees, half-crawling under the table so that he was kneeling between my legs, though only his hands touched the tops of my knees. He stared up at me. “No, you tolerate me. I do some housework, errands, but I don’t belong. You don’t go through your day thinking about me. I’m here, but I’m not part of your life, I know that. If I am your pomme de sang, then I will be. I’ll finally belong to you in a way that both of us can live with.”
I shook my head. “No, Nathaniel, no.”
He grabbed the legs of the chair and picked the entire thing up with me on it from a kneeling position and moved it backwards with a bump, so he could fit under the table better. He hadn’t even strained when he did it. He put his hands on the chair arms, slid his lower body against the chair, putting my knees on either side of his hips.
“And who else are you going to feed off of every day? Richard? Jean-Claude? Micah?”
“The ardeur may be temporary,” I said.
He put a hand on either side of my waist. “If it’s temporary, then feed on me until it goes away. If it’s permanent . . .”
“I don’t want to feed on anyone.”
His hands slid around my waist, his head going to my lap, and I realized he was crying. “Please, don’t do this, Anita, please don’t do this.”
I stroked his hair, his face, and didn’t know what to say. What was I going to do if the ardeur was permanent? Richard didn’t let anyone feed off of him for any reason—same rule I had. Jean-Claude would be literally dead to the world when I most needed to feed. Micah was still a question mark. But in some ways, feeding off of Nathaniel because he was the only one that would let me, was almost worse.
I lifted his face from my lap, a hand on either side. Tears glittered on his cheeks in the faint light. I kissed his forehead, kissed his closed eyes, the way you would a child’s.
“Did I get here just in time, or am I interrupting?” It was Richard standing in the doorway. Perfect fucking timing, as always.
33
I FROZE WITH Nathaniel’s face cradled in my hands, him kneeling between my legs with the table hiding most of him, having just risen from kissing him, and knew how it looked. I wasn’t sure I could explain it to Richard’s satisfaction. To my knowledge Richard didn’t know about the ardeur yet, and right then I didn’t want to tell him.
I laid another gentle kiss on Nathaniel’s forehead and leaned back. I wasn’t going to act like I’d done something wrong when I hadn’t. Nathaniel took his cue from me, laying his head back in my lap, which I realized meant he was invisible from the doorway, the table hiding what he was doing.
Richard strode into the kitchen like an angry wind, his power biting along my skin. He came to stand where he could see that Nathaniel had his cheek against my thigh, gazing up at the larger man, as he towered over both of us.
Jamil and Shang-Da were hanging back by the doorway. They were good bodyguards, but some things bodyguards can’t keep you safe from.
I felt my face go neutral, empty, vaguely pleasant. “I was comforting one of my leopards, something wrong with that?”
Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter Collection 6-10 Page 236
